If you have ever answered this question, (1) you are man! (2) you need help!

That's why We have opened the: Institute For Advice In Love. (otherwise known as "I FAIL").

We Are here to help!!!

Our Mission Statement: "HAPPY WIFE .....HAPPY LIFE"

So simple. Yet so effective.

Membership requirements: Do you have a Y chromesome? If you answered yes, you need help!

Our simple 12 step program will teach you all you need in dealing w/ those unnerving times when the spouse turns to you and asks......"Do these jeans make my butt look big"? Typical answer Before I FAIL: "Heck no, your butt makes them jeans look big"! After I FAIL: "No dear. your curvaciousness accents the lines of those jeans"

See, it's simple!!! You'll also learn......How to become a deaf mute!! That's Right!! The single most effective way to show your spouse you care is to NOD YOUR HEAD AND GRUNT!!!! When performed at the appropriate times, She will think you're a "good listener" and "really care".

And we'll explain why these and other valuble techniques work!!!! For a limited time we're offering this valuble tool for only $49.95. How can you go wrong? Wait, don't answer there's more!!! If you order by midnight, we'll throw in our special laminated business card you can keep w/ you at no extra charge!!! This simple card outlines the 12 steps to "Happy Wife.......Happy Life"! Keep it w/ you for those times when you need to be fast on your feet!!! That's right, you look at your card......AND KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!!! She doesn't really want your opinion, Idiot!!!

Everyone knows there's 2 methods to argueing w/ your Wife.....and neither one works!!!

Hurry, quantities are limited. Operators are standing by!!!!

P.S. Our mission statement:"Happy Wife.....Happy Life" plagerized from a comic heard on Christian radio. John

-- John in S. IN (jsmengel@hotmail.com), December 22, 2000

Answers

Suggestion for Chapter 1:

What's her's is her's, and what's your's is her's.

-- Cindy in Ky (solidrockranch@msn.com), December 22, 2000.

Cindy, Yes Dear.

-- John (jsmengel@hotmail.com), December 22, 2000.

John-just nod that head & grunt.

What are the computer geek symbols for that,anyway?

Come to think of it even that can get you in trouble.Get accused of not paying attention just after the 25 question quiz that you must answer in 15 seconds or less comes up.Probably better try nod & GRIN. That way the WORST you'll be accused of is being a goofy moron.

Hey,don't bother shelling out bucks for any program.Just give us wives your money and start taking notes. We wrote the book.

You don't watch Red Green,do you?

Laughing hard! Excellent post.

-- sharon wt (wildflower@ekyol.com), December 22, 2000.

I love it....I think I will print out and distribute copies of this to members of the less fortunate sex. By the way guys there is no way around this...lol we train our daughters young.

-- Amanda in Mo (aseley@townsqr.com), December 22, 2000.

One time, I had a man tell me that he knew how to get along great with women: " If a women is smiling and talking -he smiled and nodded his head up and down! If she was frowning and talking -he frowned and shook his head back and forth! He was 86 and had been married for 66 years!!!! See there are some of them who know how to handle women!!! LOL

Merry Christmas!!!!

-- Debbie T in N.C. (rdtyner@mindspring.com), December 22, 2000.

Sharon, He IS Red Green

-- queen (queenbuffness@hotmail.com), December 23, 2000.

Amanda, That's why we are all sooooo behind the power curve? Thanks, and Yes Dear.

Debbie, Someones gotta get lucky sometime! Law of averages you know. Oh, and Yes Dear.

Sharon, You are right of course! What could I have been thinking? Grin not Grunt. And Yes, Red Green is one of my heros. "If the ladies can't find you handsome, at least they can can find you're handy!" And of course, Yes Dear. P.S. What would be the computer Geek symbols for groveling? John

-- John inS. IN (jsmengel@hotmail.com), December 23, 2000.

Wow John, what a quick study you are!! You have it down pat.... Now, go and say no more...

-- Wendy@GraceAcres (wjl7@hotmail.com), December 23, 2000.

Chapter 2 Answers to any other questions you may have. REFER to chapter one

-- Anthony J. DiDonato (didonato@vvm.com), December 23, 2000.

I remember getting my wifes copy of "the book" once, it was already outdated and down revisioned (It appears that since the discovery of the internet, the darn thing is updated online hourly).

-- Jay Blair in N. AL (jayblair678@yahoo.com), December 23, 2000.

John Hey there,Red Green. Man,I've been wanting to meet you.I just love your show!

I usually have to watch Victory Garden,but I can miss a segment now & again,and not mind too much.

Used to be obsessed with This Old House,but they up and went Yuppie,and now if I see it only half the time, it's no big deal.

But since you came on the air,guy,well I just have to have my Green fix.

So see you at 7 tonight. Take care.

Pssssssst....Might want to whisper around to some of the batchelor farmers on the forum. You maybe can sell them some of that program,there,eh.Might help em out even,maybe, they could learn enough from it to finally get them a Honey for Christmas. Hey,throw in a roll of duct tape with the offer,eh.You can make a little money off the clueless,right? No harm there. Later,Red,buddy.

Queen-so I take it you had to relocate a whole storehouse of Duct Tape recently? You have my sympathy..oops I mean congragulations! Fine dude, that Red fella.I had an uncle-in-law that looked, talked and yes, acted, just like that.Uncanny.

-- sharon wt (wildflower@ekyol.com), December 23, 2000.

My throat is sore from all the grunting.

-- hillbilly (internethillbilly@hotmail.com), December 24, 2000.

Sharon:

Duct tape wouldn't do it. However, if it includes a full-sized, late-model, diesel 4x4 pickup with a 20' Featherlight aluminum stock trailer, well, I might be interested. Have them send pictures of pickup and trailer.

-- Ken S. in WC TN (scharabo@aol.com), December 28, 2000.

Sorry,can't help you there, Ken. Tall order.

Cindy in KY is already taken.

But I'll ask around and see what we can turn up!

-- sharon wt (wildflower@ekyol.com), December 28, 2000.

Hey john-annie in se oh is a redman fan too! Sat. segment was soooo apropo,to what's been going on here.Red trying out "sensitivity". I kept looking over at Nick and bursting out laughing.Oh,my,hope he doen't read this!Ha!

Annie-I like old Red bc he reminds me of a lot of my neighbors!And,I liked Jeff Foxworthy, too!

My one friend and I were talking about that one day.Some people around here took offense to how Foxworthy portrayed us.Well, I said, even tho it was an exageration,I still thought it was funny.

She said "What exageration. I've lived here my whole life, and that IS how MY neighbors are." She even got a t-shirt for her husband.She had a hard time deciding on just one, there were so many that "fit".

And she's just the sweetest person immagineable.Some people just have a sense of humor,others are humor challenged.Tell that to the old codgers,eh. If that don't work,duct tape their mouths shut.Just kidding, there!! Or maybe not.

-- sharon wt (wildflower@ekyol.com), December 29, 2000.

I must admit reading about the truck and trailor got me a little weak at the knees! One of the best parts of the Livestock Show is walking around the parking lot outside the barns! None of the chickies around here wear cowboy boots much less drive trucks. Go to the livestock auctions, like in that country video where the guy meets the girl bidding on cows! I can't think of the name of it. "going once, going twice, SOLD to the lady in the long black dress, she's an 8, she's a 9, she's a 10 I guess" I love that video!

-- Cindy in Ky (solidrockranch@msn.com), December 30, 2000.

Cindy-All I have is a truck.It's practical.I'm always hauling things.I do have to admit,it's pink.That's right-hot pink.The color is called'raspberry' but it's hot pink.People either love it or hate it.I saw two more like it around town! Guys in them,too.

I went back home with it,and was not well received.Very conservative area.No pink trucks there! So that made me like it,even better.

Truthfully,got it because it was a good buy.I could care less what color it is.

Like that video, too.

Are your radio stations giving air time to the guy calling up the hardware store to get the money for having his mom's pet pekinese taxidermied? First time I heard it,I about pee'd myself.'Course, being a little older,that's easier to do than it used to be.Ha!

-- sharon wt (wildflower@ekyol.com), December 30, 2000.

My truck is all primer light yellow. Buttercup. I did all the body work, new cab corners, ripped off all the plastic molding and emblems and filled all the holes before it was primered. I had someone do the actual welding for me, and then I ground it down and filled and sanded. Used to be two colors, now it is one. But I never had her painted! Too busy I quess, never stop long enough. The visor, hand rails and running boards light up. Pink would be hard! I don't look good in pink!

-- Cindy in Ky (solidrockranch@msn.com), December 30, 2000.