Now that background radiation levels have dropped to tolerable levels, archaeologists from the Institute For Ancient Studies on Ceta IV are beginning to examine the ruins of Old Earth for new pieces to the puzzle of man's origin. Typical of such research, what they're finding is raising as many new questions as it is providing answers.

"This is the most exciting thing in my lifetime. We're all descended from the Ancient Americans, but we know so little about them," Institute director Ha'th B'Naidun said. "We knew from previous studies and from the fragmentary colony ship records that the Americans were a very religious people. But we're now seeing just how religious they were. It permeated everything in their daily lives.

"For example, we now know that one common ceremony was called the barbecue, where raw meat would be charred over a flame or red-hot coals. A blessing, a special prayer to various deities would usually be said, then special elixirs in decorative bottles would be used to anoint the meat prior to eating.

"There were apparently any number of different elixirs used and each had its adherents." He shook his head. "The barbecue was a very complex ceremony and like everything else, we've having to piece this together from very fragmentary records. It's frustrating at times," he added. The nuclear war that nearly destroyed man's birth planet didn't leave much intact. Even worse, the records in the slowships were badly damaged by the crash landing on Tau Ceti IV, he explained. "It's really like piecing a puzzle together.

"But this latest research has already uncovered a bunch of new information." The biggest surprise? "We're seeing regional variations. For example, in the area of the Carolinas, preparing the meat for the ceremony often involved boiling it in the anointing sauce, sometimes for many hours, prior to the Blessing and Consumption. In other areas, such as Kansas, the anointing sauce was brushed onto the meat while it cooked.

"The barbecue was such an important ritual," he pointed out, "that the ancient Americans even built public houses of worship in which citizens could buy the meat already charred and properly anointed. Each of these had its own adherents."

He grinned and added, "it's terribly confusing. We'll be sorting this one out for years."

Then B'Naidun showed us the most spectacular find of all. "This one is different; it doesn't appear to be a public barbecuetorium; we believe that it's a burial sarcophagus, devoted to members of the MOTEL 6 cult."

Barely able to contain his enthusiasm, he took us into one of the rooms which, miraculously, had survived the nuclear devastation virtually intact.

"From what we can determine," he said, "most of the burial crypts were identical; some were mirror-images of the others, but the layout was basically the same. What you see here is typical of all the others. The uniformity is surprising.

"As you first walk into the door of crypt, you see the remains of one or two soft tables, upon which the deceased was prepared for burial. This shows the American's great reverence for the recently-dead; the tables were covered with cloth and soft cushions. As you'll see in a moment, the use of plastic polymers, themselves made from priceless hydrocarbon deposits, was profligate. The Americans were obviously a very wealthy people.

"We've been unable to determine the names of most American deities, but we have been able to identify the American god of Life and Death: he was called 'WATT' in the ancient Anglish that was spoken by the Americans." He tapped one of the pictures excitedly. "Here you see a statue to the deity, again made of priceless hydrocarbon-based polymers.

"The Americans were technically advanced; after all, they did launch the slowships that founded our colony! So, we shouldn't be surprised that there is high technical skill evidenced in the images of their gods and deities. WATT is a perfect example.

"The image of the god himself was a glass bulb with a practical screw-in base," he said, pointing to the image. "Not only was it considered sacrilege to drop the bulb -- hence the secure base mounting -- it was obviously impolite to stare at WATT directly: the bulb was usually shrouded with a priceless hydrocarbon shield or skirt of some type.

"We've dissected one of the WATT bulbs. Here you see the outer layer, representing the god's interface with American humanity, consisting of fine frosted glass imprinted with hydrocarbon ink. Inside the bulb was a collection of precious metals, including the priceless copper and tungsten, in varying patterns." He shook his head. "Adding to the confusion is that some WATTs had a single tungsten filament, while others had more complex zig-zag patterns. We haven't figured out the significance of that yet."

Then he showed us a separate small room to the rear of the main crypt. "This is the actual burial place," he said reverently. "First, look at the ceiling: another WATT. The WATTs out front obviously protected the crypt from defilement; the one in here, of course, watched over the departed in the afterlife, guiding him to the place of enlightenment."

He tapped the wall. "Look at the wall tiles! More priceless hydrocarbons! The Americans spared no expense for the departed! And the burial vault itself is solid plastic! We checked!

The burial vault was shaped like a large tray on the floor, completely filling one wall. A skeletal body, completely uncovered but for a shriveled head covering, lay semi-prone in the tray. He pointed to the head. "The cap is another plastic covering, perhaps signifying wealth of wisdom. Maybe this indicated to the denizens of the afterworld that the deceased was wise enough to deserve entry. We just don't know," he admitted.

"Some of these things, of course, had obvious uses. This basin -- also solid plastic! -- with valves on it, for example, obviously produced water for ceremonial washing. What's less-understood is this stool. It, too, was apparently filled with water. One of our technicians fiddled with one of these and discovered that, by pulling the handle, you could cause the water to leave the bowl violently. Perhaps it was used to clean the instruments used in preparing the body for burial."

He grinned. "Then again, it could have been a special symbolic barbecue altar. It's not hard to imagine a ceremonial barbecue being prepared, but in this case, the meat would be fed to the stool itself. When the handle was pulled, it would "eat" the sacrifice for the departed."

The grin turned to a wide smile and a chuckle. "The Americans were very clever..."

-- Anonymous, December 21, 2000

Answers

I'm curious, when they excavated the Motel 6....was the light still on?

-- Anonymous, December 21, 2000

You make me wonder if our archeaologists are as clueless as the Ceta IV-ites (or is it Ceta IV-ians).

-- Anonymous, December 21, 2000

You make me wonder if our archeaologists are as clueless as the Ceta IV-ites (or is it Ceta IV-ians).

Probably. Check out Motel of the Mysteries by David Macauley.

-- Anonymous, December 21, 2000

I've always had nagging doubts of my own. :)

-- Anonymous, December 21, 2000

Just wait 'til they study the medicine cabinet.

-- Anonymous, December 22, 2000