Rules of Holiday Shopping



Rule No. 1: When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road,
don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.



Rule No. 2: Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible.
Diagonal parking is preferred.



Rule No. 3: In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the
opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up halfway and stop on
the line, taking both.



Rule No. 4: As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you
is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and
take it from him.



Rule No. 5: Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other
driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car.



Rule No. 6: When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your
door really hard.



Rule No. 7: When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes
and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.



Rule No. 8: When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a
friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the
middle of the road. The same rule applies to picking up and discharging
passengers.



Rule No. 9: When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and
waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and
let the car behind you take it.



Rule No. 10: If you have handicapped license plates, use up a regular parking
spot.



Rule No. 11: If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent,
wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the
aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like
"Mr. Good Guy," and park somewhere else.



Rule No. 12: If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross
or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt
to pass him.



Rule No. 13: When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through
the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and
wait.



Rule No. 14: When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way
aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a
parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.



Rule No. 15: Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked
vehicles.



Rule No. 16: Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking
lots. While you're at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that
Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.



Rule No. 17: If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot,
leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.



Rule No. 18: When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in
a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the
radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel
free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.



Rule No. 19: When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in
the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into another
car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down
the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn
around and walk toward the stores.



Rule No. 20: When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture
to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting
in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do
it again.



Rule No. 21: When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags
into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who
is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.



Rule No. 22: When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers
walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain
remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares
the crap out of them.



Rule No. 23: If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the mall's parking
lot, there isn't any!



Rule No. 24: If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it,
take out a piece of paper and start writing. This is especially effective if
there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were ___
witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name, address, and
phone number."




			Submitted by: Moody Fan 77 @ aol.com



                \\|//
                (o o)                ORACLE SERVICE HUMOR MAILING LIST
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo-----------------------------------------------



HOW DO I SUBSCRIBE?                  
It's free! Just send a message to 
oracle-humor-subscribe@lyris.oraclehumor.com

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2000

Answers

A recent issue's real-life tech support marvel (
http://www.langa.com/newsletters/2000/2000-12-04.htm#9 ) was one 
thing;
reader Al Girard's fictitious (and expurgated) item is another:



     YOUR DELETE KEY



     Thank you for using the Delete Key. The Delete Key is an
     amazing new technology available to all computer users. It is
     simple, effective, and very user-friendly. If this is your
     first time using the Delete Key, we urge you to read the
     entire contents of this manual. Please do not delete this
     manual. This may cause you to use the delete key in a reckless
     or insufficient manner.



     INTRODUCTION



     The Delete Key provides a keyboard based, fully manual method
     for the removal of information. Furthermore, use of the Delete
     Key in conjunction with the small amount of brain matter you
     have left may induce a tingling sensation of pleasure.



     Failure to use the Delete Key may result in aggravation,
     humiliation, and knee-jerk reactionism. This manual will help
     you locate and implement a full Delete Key pressing method to
     ensure your peace of mind remains unaltered.



     LOCATING THE DELETE KEY
     1. Lift your hands off the key board.
     2. Scan the keys for a key labeled "Delete"
     3. Make note of this location as it will come in handy later.



     USING THE DELETE KEY
     1. Locate something on your computer you wish to delete.
     Files, text, e-mail messages, and vital operating system
     components are all "delete-enabled" items.
     2. Select the item using your mouse or other selection device.
     3. Lift you hands off the keyboard and using one of you
     fingers, depress the key labeled Delete.
     4. The offending material has now been removed from your
     sight.



     WARNING Some systems may require confirmation of your Delete-
     based system. If this is the case, make sure to agree to the
     deletion. Otherwise you may become reburdened with the
     offensive or unwanted material.



     WHAT SHOULD I DELETE
     Anything that might bring you unhappiness. In this New
     Economy, semi-lucid hyper-cyber-superhighway world, you need
     the unending power of a Delete key. Not only is is easy to
     implement, it offers tremendous Return On Investment (ROI).
     Consider this scenario:



     Helga Gumpwetter has three text files. In the first file are
     instructions for making a nuclear bomb. The other two contain
     funny jokes about pumpkins. Because Helga deleted the nuclear
     bomb message and read the pumpkin jokes, she lacked the
     ability to nuke her ex-boyfriend, thus saving all of King
     County Washington. Talk about some serious ROI!



                                    Click to email this item to a 
friend
                                         
http://www.langa.com/sendit.htm
                                                                      
  

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2000

ROTFLMAO!!!!! Those Holiday Parking Rules seem to have been written from a Las Vegas "mall" perspective :-) (Of course, I do seem to remember them applying equally in NY and NJ and PA malls.)

I am particularly fond of number 22; I just might do this if I had one of those alarms on my car (it has been done to me a couple of times).

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2000

I watched a No.14 but instead of a 12 point she tried to back in twixt her new neighbors to be. Actually managed to hit both of them.

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2000