OK, it was my idea, so I'll start.

=================================================

In the beginning.....

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2000

Answers

OK, I don't mind adding to the thread.

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The History of the Christmas Angel/b>

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2000

off?!?!?!

Now I know how Santa feels.....

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2000

:
:December 30, 2004 (AP)
:
: WASHINGTON DC-After four years of legal wrangling, George W.
: Bush was finally declared the winner of the 2000 presidential 
election
: yesterday.
:
: Bush, a Republican, will take the oath of office at noon
: today and serve until Jan. 20, 2005, a term of about three weeks. 
Then
: he gives way to the winner of the 2004 presidential election, New 
York
: Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton.
:
: Facing a drastically shortened presidency, Bush attempted to
: strike an optimistic tone last night. "We have a lot to accomplish 
in
: the next three weeks," Bush said. "Reforming Social Security alone 
is
: probably going to eat up four to five hours. Let's get to work!" 
Aides
: yesterday were calling temporary employment agencies in a
:frantic effort
: to fill Cabinet posts.
:
: Bush's victory ends a four-year court battle between him and
: Democratic candidate Al Gore over the results of the 2000 election.
:
: While the dispute raged on, the nation installed an interim
: president: New York Yankees Manager Joe Torre. Torre admitted that
: running a country and a baseball team simultaneously has been
:a strain.
: "At times, it's been difficult to keep the two things straight.
: Although, in retrospect, trading Jesse Helms to the Red Sox turned 
out
: OK."
:
: Torre's four years in office were marked by continued
: prosperity at home and relative calm abroad.
:
: His most controversial move was appointing Yankees bench
: coach Don Zimmer to th Supreme Court. Critics charged that Zimmer
: lacked experience. He also spit tobacco juice on Antonin
:Scalia's shoes,
: angering conservatives.
:
: Torre's boldest foreign policy initiative was making Cuba
: the 51st state in an effort to improve U.S. pitching.
:
: Torre was planning to vacate the White House by midnight
: tonight, with Bush moving in immediately. Eager to give an aura of
: permanency to his three-week administration, Bush rebuffed 
suggestions
: that he sleep on a bare mattress on the floor and live out of
:suitcases.
:
: Gore, meanwhile, has yet to concede defeat. The former vice
: president issued a statement today saying, "It would be improper and
: disrespectful to the democratic process to act hastily before all 
the
: facts are known."
:
: The legal tangle over the 2000 election began with a Gore
: lawsuit over the confusing design of ballots in Florida. When
:the courts
: sided with Gore, Bush filed suit, arguing that the Oregon results 
were
: invalid because some ballots were yellow and others pink. Gore
: countersued, charging that the West Virginia results should be 
thrown
: out because some people failed to receive "I Voted Today" stickers.
:
: Through the years, various officials proposed compromises to
: resolve the impasse. All were rejected, including:
:
: * Establishing a co-presidency, with the two men sharing
: duties and splitting the White House. Although never implemented, 
the
: idea gave rise to a hit TV show, East Wing, West Wing.
:
: * Establishing temporarily separate nations, with each
: candidate ruling the states he won in the 2000 election. Gore, who
: failed to carry his native Tennessee, balked at the idea because it
: would mean showing a passport every time he went home.
:
: * Letting Jimmy Carter sort it all out.
:
: Observers said the biggest challenge for the Bush
: administration will be working with Congress, which adjourns 
tomorrow
: and isn't expected back until after Bushs term ends. "One day may 
not
: be quite enough time to overhaul the tax system," a Bush aide
:admitted.
: "But maybe we can get started and then finish it later with a big
: conference call or something."
:
: Meanwhile, Bush also must work on his legacy and prepare to
: transfer power to President-elect Clinton. Clinton yesterday
:wished Bush
: well and asked if she could start moving some boxes into the
:White House
: basement.
:

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2000

another guest appearance from Dr. Science: -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- Dear Doctor Science, My parents keep telling me that dollars don't grow on trees. Can you tell me what sort of life form produces dollars? -- Terri New from Los Angeles, CA

Dollars are produced by a form of bacteria that reproduces only in a dark, damp, tomblike environment. This is why our national mints are such thick-walled, sarcophagal affairs. It's the U.S. Treasury's job to make sure that the bacteria don't reproduce too quickly, because that would cause inflation. If they thrive poorly, that causes a depression. If they mutate, we end up with counterfeit currency that must be eliminated before it infects the whole money supply. So you see, managing the nation's currency is mainly a job for microbiologists, not botanists. Your parents were right.

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2000

Thou Shalt Not Skim Flavor From the Holidays

by Craig Wilson (USA Today columnist)

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.

You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings, high calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.

Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph.

I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to NewYear's? Your pants don't fit anymore, anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single- malt Scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt Scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with Gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between Christmas and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

Re-read tips.

Start over.

But hurry! Cookie-less January is just around the corner.

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2000

Hey, there's fruitcake and then there's FRUITCAKE, homemade and soaked in brandy. My grandmother died in 1980, so its been awhile, but I have memories, like when milk was unpasteurized and it was safe to eat raw beef sandwiches.

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2000

I have memories, like when milk was unpasteurized and it was safe to eat raw beef sandwiches.

I don't recall doing the unpasteurized milk (we had the kind that the cream floated to the top...um...unshook I believe ;)..lol...it came in glass bottles and was delivered every day by the milkman.

I remember eating raw hamburg and not contracting e-coli...unless I did and I'm really dead or something :)

Never really tried fruitcake and have no plans to.

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2000

Wow Peg,

Are you sure you're not my sister? Same here on the milk and the meat. LOL-still love raw ground beef-nothing like a fine steak tartar! And the milkman was my best friend's father. Ecoli is a foreigner to me as well-if the meat is fresh you won't get sick! You can taste the difference... And I know I am not dead!!

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2000