hi, my name is annie and i'm doing this project which i haven't really found much info on. my topic is how does an abusive relationship affect both partner? like in physical and emotional abuse. can you help me please????

annie her ps thanks for taking your time to read my message.

-- Anonymous, December 05, 2000

Answers

Hi Annie,

Domestic Violence puts a strain on both parties in a relationship. The man who beats on his wife is very lost and doesn't know what to do. Maybe he doesn't want to hit her but for some odd reason he does. Usually when males hit their wives it stems from early times as a child. His father most likely beat his mother and so therefore he learned that that behavior was ok. He himself, most likely, was at the hands of abuse. He learned that "IF you don't do what I want or say I will hit you." Growing up like this seems very normal and natural to him. Just like us growing up with parents who loved each other very much and loved us as well. Many times a mother can help her sons over come this behavior by explaining situations to him and telling him that what daddy does is wrong. Also something that I have learned is that when you see young men and boys hit their sisters they have the characteristics of hitting his wife. Sometimes they can get over this but it is very slim. He knows now as an adult that he is wrong, but something that is branded to you as a child is hard to lose. It is an enviromental trait that he acquired as a child. He also knows what to say to get the woman to stay put up with his crap. He is a manipulator and will stop at nothing to get what he so desires. If that means killing her.

IF you need anything else please feel free to write me. This may not have helped but I hope that it did. Finding stuff on men that abuse is really hard. So good luck with your paper!

Kingslee Anderson Corpus Christi Texas

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2000

One thing I'd like to point out, Annie, is that violence in relationships is not always a man beating up a woman. Just as likely, it is the woman beating up the man, or them both beating up each other.

If you look in the library, you'll find a lot of research that shows this. You can find this on our website as well: http:// www.safe4all.org has a great bibliography.

Kingslee's message is right on many accounts, but be wary of anythink you read which always refers to the abuser as a man, because it could be either way. I think if you read the research in the library, you'll be amazed how many studies show this.

-- Anonymous, December 09, 2000

Kingslee, Where did you come from? What you are spouting off sounds like it is from a male-hating brute. Men do not just start to hit women. Women are taught from a very early age that it is ok to hit any one or anything. They carry that into relationships. 4 out of 5 women (in my view of the world) like to beat men and consider it their right. I have been hit with a car, shaed with a chain saw, stabbed with a knife and a serving fork, beat with shoes, remotes, a rolling pin, and probaly anything else you can name. All because I would not just do whatever she told me, from lying to judges for her and her son, to washing the dishes in the order that she told me. She told me it would end if I would just learn to obey her Let me tell you, it never ends. And for you to say that it is the man that does this is means that either you are very naive, or you really do not care what the truth is. Since you seem to believe that men are the beaters and women are the inocent victums, I will continue to believe that women are brutal and vicious and are corrupting the system to their own end.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Bill, I certainly understand your frustration, as I've been through my own version of hell.

One thing I try to remind myself, though, when I get frustrated with people who don't see that women can be abusive (especially those that ignore the OVERWHELMING amount of research out there), is that I used to have the exact same perspective they did. It is kind of the default in our culture -- it's the attitude we're given, and straying from that only comes if you've been exposed to the abuse yourself or have read the research, thought a great deal about it, or watched others go through abusive situations.

I understand your anger, but try to focus on changing their minds, and what will be most effective in doing so. I've done it both ways (anger and rational presentation of facts) and I almost always see the second way as being more effective.

Thank you for being so outspoken about this issue though. We need more people like you willing to speak up!

-- Anonymous, December 16, 2000

Jade Her mind is as closed as a trap. She already said that men only know how to abuse women. That men are unable to change ( evidently to her likeing). That men who witness one attack of a woman by a man, he is unable to change unless he goes and listens to women tell him what he hasdone wrong. According to her letter, Only women are able to overcome this conditioning. Oh yes that is right women can not attack a man. they are incapable of harming someone. I will just go a tell my doctor that the 17 sticheson my arm and the other stiches in my neck, the broken rib and cracked rib, the twisted knee from being hit by a car, Were all just figments of my imagination. That the bruise on my and my baby's head, never happened. Because, how could a woman, that only cares for and has love for every one in her life could do that. That woman has made up her mind and you could not change it with 100,000 accounts that were certified by a judge and said anyhting different. I know because I am married to one now!!!

-- Anonymous, December 16, 2000

Bill, I need to ask you something. Me & somebody I love more than comprehension are just now on a break. He's a great guy. He can be verbally sarcastic to the pt. of attacking. Knowing he doesn't intend to hurt me by what he says at times temporarily appeased me I suppose, but after awhile, I began striki, ng out at him in a physical way. I'm so against this kind of behavior. Not believing I did that, I'm having difficult in forgiving myself. He says he's forgiven me, for which I'm very grateful, yet even though it hurts, I don't it's wise for us to see each other right now as friends. I guess we can talk over the internet, Instant Messaging Services, e- mail & telephone. However, I don't see us ever getting back together, though I hope otherwise, I love him. We still love 1 another in which is the reason I'm getting help & I hope he does, too: Individually; maybe, then, together...I don't know....Me!? @#.......Attacking another human being, not to mention a person I'm madly in love w/........I speak for Community Awareness against Domestic Violence for goodness sake..You see, I'm a Survivor of Domestic Violence myself. 1st, from my mother & 2nd, from my husband, which now is my x. Only now, I find myself on the other end. Bill, what would you like your wife to say to you to try & begin making restitution for whats she done to you. Granted, Ive NEVER went to the xtreme w/my love your wife is doing to you & I'm sorry you're in a rough situation. I don't want to just only say I'm sorry cuz it's the oldest line in the book. I don't want to just only promise I'll change cuz it, too, is the oldest line in the book. I know what I want my x to do when I was praying for my marriage, yet I don't know how to do w/my love. I can't get over I did anything remotely related to violence no matter how attacking he got to me verbally. Please help me. His heart & my heart are so so very very broken-hearted.

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001