i was married to a mentally and physically abusive woman for six years. we have two children and i am seeking custody. the only problem is the day after i filed for divorce, custody of my kids, and had a protection order put in place against her for me and the kids, she called the police and cried domestic. not once did i hit this woman. the times i touched her were to get her off of or away from me so i could leave. she would purposefully throw herself against the front door and hit her back on the doorknob to leave bruises. she only weighs about 80-85 lbs so anytime i did grab her she would bruise. i have already been thru the arrest, sentencing, and completing a domestic violence program, and am on probation for about another six months for this. all the lawyers know that this woman has serious problems. she had been sexually abused by a stepfather, had an abortion, and claims she was raped and beat all before i even knew her. my first mistake was hooking up with her after knowing all of this. my second was marrying her and not listening to my family. now i have two children who are my life and MY family and whom the courts do nothing to get them out of an abusive mothers home. she has threatened suicide and was taken away by the police to the hospital for help. she remains bitter to this day for me "letting" them take her when i had no choice. she has threatened to kill me and kill the children before ever letting me have custody of them. the guardian ad litem or attorney for the kids has seen and dealt with her behavior first hand and still nothing is done. i understand she can't ignore the DV charge, but don't people have any common sense? they know the kids continue to be mentally and physically abused, yet they are left with her. why? because she is the mother? that makes one the best for the kids, because of gender? i have encountered too many similar situations in the past 9 months. i am in debt for not only me, but her too. i have to pay her spousal support on top of the child support because she is too lazy to hold a job. is there anything fathers in this situation can do? i have run into walls everywhere i turn. the "justice system" has got to change regarding fathers. there are too many good men being falsely accused of domestic who have been abused themselves by these kind of women and are just too afraid to speak out. whether it is for fear of embarrasement or just the plain fact that no one will believe you. looking for any info or help or guidance

-- Anonymous, November 20, 2000

Answers

Pete,

Unfortunately, your situation is fairly common. I recommend the following. Please bear in mind that I am not qualified to give "official" advice; these are just suggestions:

- join the safe-support mailing list. There are people on the list who have been through similar experiences, and will help guide you through the process.

- read the book, "Abused Men", by Phil Cook. It has some practical advice and useful information in it.

- I think the website http://www.dvmen.com has a section on custody. Also, look through our website: http://www.safe4all.org

- There is a dire need for people who can rationally persuade people how crazy the system is, and help them see how badly it needs to be changed. Please do everything you can for your situation; after you've done so, please join in and help others in your situation out. Contact us, or other organizations, and see how you can help out.

- Please share what you find here, so others can benefit from what you find. Let me know also if you can't find anything out from the sources I listed here.

-- Anonymous, November 21, 2000

Wow Pete you are in a tough situation. I personally know a family member with whom I am very close too that went through your same thing. His wife was a cocain addict and physically beat him and the two little girls. When he left her she filed DV one after the other. Like you he touched her to get her off of him or the little girls. He left their home and was ordered to leave the girls behind. His attorney then went and appealed the judges decision and won. After 2 years of battling custody he has all rights to the girls and their mother has none. All I am saying is that there is light at the end of the tunnel and God will help you. Good Luck and I am sorry for your misfortune.

Kingslee

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2000

Pete, Your situation is almost identical to what my brother is going thru he tried to get a restraining order aginst his wife about 10months ago and they would not give him one but 7months ago they gave one to her!!! my brother will be going to court this monday on it and I have no confidence in the system at all at this point.What are we supposed to do??????

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

I'm a devorced fater and started a new family with a wonderful woman. And she has a son I take care of, she receves no child support. I recived a letter saying I have a daugter and I need to pay, she is 3 years old I have no bond with her but I have to pay... This dose not make sence to me If the mother can't handle the responsability she should give the child to the father or addoption. I NEED HELP 3 years of back child support for what~ A letter, someone Ive never seen...This is stupid There are no non profit org for fathers that I can find. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

-- Anonymous, October 23, 2001

Custody for the Father has to be attached to affirmative action. We are a minority and deserve "extra" consideration to make-up for the losses experienced by so many before us. No "rights" for "women" should be considered without "rights" for "men."

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2002

Dear Pete:

Pete this is so common. I am an adult who barely survived a childhood with a mom like that. What you may want to do is record all evidence of her behavior physical and verbal. If you still have contact with your children, observe any behavior in them that may indicate depression or abuse. She sounds like a really messed up woman who needs intensive psychiatric care. When I was growing up the Children's Aid Society, police and school totally ignored my complaints even thought they were severe. The worst thing she did was encourage my older brother to punch and kick me, for telling a school guidance counselor I was depressed. My brother's violent behavior continued in the home, as well as into his personal dating life. I think the typical stereotype of abusive men coming from homes where the father was abusive is overplayed. Many abusive mothers produce abusive sons and daughters. I will probably never marry or have children as a result of this. Abusive mothers getting away with it is a silent epidemic that needs to be stopped.

-- Anonymous, November 03, 2002

Pete, i know exactly what you are going through. I am an 18 year old high school student trying to make ends meet. My father married a head case years ago and she ruined his life and is still trying to recover. He was stung with a court order he can't shake off and had to quit his job. I've been living with my father for 7 years now and i've never been happier. My mother still holds custody of my younger brother, whom i fear for his life. My father is a very respectable man who has never raised his hands in anger toward me, my brother, or my mother. She was, and probably still is a heavy drug addict and is using her support payments to supply her own habit. If it wasn't for my father, i don't even know if i would still be alive. I owe him my life. So, if there is any advice you could give me regarding this matter, i would appreciate it very much. Thanx alot. Chris Kelly

-- Anonymous, December 05, 2002

I really do feel for you. I did not grow up in abusive home so i can't say i know what you are going through. what i can say is that you and your children will be in my prayers and thought. I know your future seems grim now with many prayers and patience you will get through this.

-- Anonymous, December 20, 2002