What are some of your favorite country sayings, such as: "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer" and "As independent as a hog on ice"?

-- Ken S. in WC TN (scharabo@aol.com), November 18, 2000

Answers

"Watch him. He'll slip a baby copperhead in your pocket, then ask you for a light.". This was my grandfathers favorite description of shifty characters.

-- Jay Blair in N. AL (jayblair678@yahoo.com), November 18, 2000.

"some people would complain if you hung 'em with a new rope."

-- sheepish (rborgo@gte.net), November 18, 2000.

My favorite is: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

-- Liz Rhein (merhein@shentel.net), November 18, 2000.

You're cuter than a speckled puppy in a little red wagon.

-- Cindy (atilrthehony_1@yahoo.com), November 18, 2000.

My husband of 14 years is quite the redneck now.

When we met, he was pure "slicker" (as in city-slicker).

One night before we were married, he was trying to make a point to my family and not being very successful. Trying to give up gracefully and also to fit in, he sighed and said, "Well you know what they say, don't throw water on the cow."

My family and I looked at one another for a split second before we were rolling on the floor laughing!

Needless to say, that is now our favourite saying!

-- Mona in OK (jascamp@ipa.net), November 18, 2000.

"Finer'n a frogs hair"- "worthless as t---on a boar hog"- He's so tight he wouldn't give a nickel to see a gnats butt streched over a rain barrell"--"Just tha chekers"-"good ole ax--3 new heads and 7 new handles"-"can't make a silk purse outta sows ear"----! Could go on but I'm tard. Matt. 24:44

-- hoot gibson (hoot@pcinetwork.com), November 18, 2000.

not the brightest light on the christmas tree

-- ronda (thejohnsons@localaccess.com), November 18, 2000.

"You can't hunt with the big dogs if you don't get off the porch." "Meant to don't pick no cotton". "I'm older 'n dirt"

-- sharon wt (wildflower@ekyol.com), November 18, 2000.

"I told 'em how the cow ate the cabbage" "That's the truth, with the bark still on it" "Dumber'n a stump" "Ugly as a mud fence" "Runnin' around like a chicken with it's head cut off" "Sh** fire and spare the matches" "God willing and the creek don't rise"

-- Hannah Maria Holly (hannahholly@hotmail.com), November 18, 2000.

neat'er than beans

-- grant (organicgrange@yahoo.com), November 18, 2000.

If If If "If frogs had pockets, they would carry pistols to shoot the snakes with." And my FAVORITE= If brains were made of prunes, he would'nt have enough to physic a Bluejay! Also, you know you live in a small town when you get the wrong number and talk for twenty minutes.

-- Terri Perry (stuperry@stargate.net), November 18, 2000.

Not strictly "country", but the most used saying/battle cry around the Haphazard Homestead is "Gettin' old ain't fer sissies".

-- Jorja Hernandez (jorja@color-country.net), November 18, 2000.

Hey, Hoot! I had an elderly friend, now deceased, whose youngest son was a professor of animal science with an emphasis on hogs. When I used the "useless as mammary equipment on a boar hog" expression once in her presence, she informed me that they were of some value as it's the boar who determines the number of spigots on his daughters and consequently the number of piglets she can feed. I still use the phrase but always look upwards because I think this lady is in Heaven, and say, "Yes, Karleen, I know." So maybe being useless as that isn't so useless after all.

"Raining so hard, the frogs are drowning." "Three days older than dirt."

-- marilyn (rainbow@ktis.net), November 19, 2000.

He was 'neck-eid' as a bluejay! Uglier than the backside of a dog!

-- Debbie T in N.C. (rdtyner@mindspring.com), November 19, 2000.

My old first class in the Navy used to tell me I was........."Messed up as a soup sandwich"

-- Laura Leek (LauraLeekis@home.com), November 19, 2000.

"Tighter than Davy's hat band", "Casters on a crutch", "Screen doors on a submarine" and yes, "Teats on a boar-hog."

-- Hendo (redgate@echoweb.net), November 19, 2000.

like my neighbor says about anyone he doesn't think is too smart, "that boy ain't the sharpest tool in the shed, is he?"

-- Joe (Threearrs@AOL.com), November 19, 2000.

"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree."

-- Kathleen Sanderson (stonycft@worldpath.net), November 19, 2000.

I forgot my mom's favorites: He thinks he's sooo rich and he ain't got a pot to pee in mus less, a 'windder' to throw it out of! And -- I'm gonna slap you into the middle of next week!!!

-- Debbie T in N.C. (rdtyner@mindspring.com), November 19, 2000.

Our version of Deb's is "Gonna knock you right inta tamarra". From my mother and grandmother before her: "A new broom sweeps clean, let's see how he does when his bristles are worn." Former father-in-law's favourite was "it was so close, if it was a snake it woulda bit ya."

Worked with a crusty, tough little gal from Georgia when I was in FL, wish I could remember half of her sayings, she had such a dry wit, always had me bustin' out laughing. One in particular I remember was "so tight, he squeezes the nickel til the buffalo s***s. Then scoops it up and saves it for fertilizer." My mother's Austrian version was a lit less graphic, "he squeezes his pennies til you can't see the print."

Some of these sayings just evoke such hilarious mental imagery. Remember one from our rural part of Ontario..."runnin' like a wild man with his a** afire".

One of my all-time favourites is the one mentioned a few times already...as useless as teats on a boar.

-- Chelsea (rmbehr@istar.ca), November 19, 2000.

Remembered a couple more:

"If Aunt Sally had balls she'd be Uncle Bill" (this from a doctor friend of mine from Indiana)

"If brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose." (another rural Ontario saying.)

-- Chelsea (rmbehr@istar.ca), November 19, 2000.

"That dog won't hunt" So,ok I like dog ones! " He'll give you the shirt off his back, but don't cross him" "I'm jus an ole country boy with dirt btween my toes" "Don't get in a pissin' contest with a skunk" "Dumb as a post" or "dummer n dirt" or "dumb as a doorknob" or "he ain't the brightest bulb in the pack" "I didn't just fall off the cabbage truck" "I didn't just get into town with a little egg money" "crazy like a fox"

Are these going to be part of an article? Might I suggest it would be an entertaining one!

-- sharon wt (wildflower@ekyol.com), November 19, 2000.

That wasn't the original idea, but tell ya' what. Keep 'em coming and I'll consolidate and submit them to Annie-Marie.

"Meaner than an Arkansas razorback and twice as ugly." "Built like a brick outhouse." "Not playing with a full deck." "A couple of bricks short of a full load." "When God gave out brains he must have played hookie that day."

Ken Scharabok

-- Ken S. in WC TN (scharabo@aol.com), November 19, 2000.

Here are a few of my favorites

Dumber'n box of rocks with the smart ones thrown out.
Dumber'n empty tin can.
He/she aint the sharpest crayon in the box.
As sharp as the leading edge of a bowling ball.
He/she's a sixpack short of a case.


-- Dave (AK) (daveh@ecosse.net), November 19, 2000.

Useless as: Knots on a board Hip pockets on a frog lipstick on a pig

-- melina b. (goatgalmjb1@hotmail.com), November 19, 2000.

I like "Dumb as a bag o'hammers." Recently in the Sunday paper I saw someone, when asked hypothetically if they would give up some IQ points if they could be "model beautiful." A man wrote in that why, he'd be dumb as a bag o'hammers before he was even halfway good-looking!

-- snoozy (allen@oz.net), November 19, 2000.

One I forgot, one of my personal favorites--"raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock". Picturesque.

-- Hannah Maria Holly (hannahholly@hotmail.com), November 19, 2000.

Here is a sorta nasty one that I love. "If she had one pokin' out for every one poked in, she would look like a thorn bush." My granddaddies response to dog training questions-"You gotta be smarter than the dog." Also , a friends grandma always told us when we were teenagers - "Tell me about your friends and I will tell you about yourself." How true!! I love old sayings!

-- Terri Perry (stuperry@stargate.net), November 19, 2000.

OOPS, forgot, "Ornier than cat s#&t and stinks twice as bad."

-- Terri Perry (stuperry@stargate.net), November 19, 2000.

I am on a roll! "Waller with hogs and smell like s#@t." "If you walk thru a thorn bush you don't know which prick stuck you."

-- Terri Perry (stuperry@stargate.net), November 19, 2000.

Ken, My wife wants me to give you this one for times when we feel like the sucker in those Geico Insurance commercials and do something REALLY STUPID. " My thought light was lit, but I thought I had to poot when I really had to S***!

-- Jay Blair in N. AL (jayblair678@yahoo.com), November 19, 2000.

DJs contribution is "Worthless as hen crap on a pump handle."

-- Jay Blair in N. AL (jayblair678@yahoo.com), November 19, 2000.

How about " If you lay with dogs, you gonna get fleas "

" He's so tight , he squeeks when he walks "

"He/ she is One fry short of a happy meal "

" We're so poor, we can't even pay attention "

" I'll smack you so hard, your kids will be born dizzy "

" you're so ugly, they had to tie a pork chop around your neck to get the dogs to play with you"

" if that had been a snake, it would have bit you"

-- Bonnie (josabo1@juno.com), November 19, 2000.

I must use a lot of these since my husband calls them Texasisms. "She was so tight she squeeked when she walked" "Happier en a tick on a hound dog" "If'n aunt Mary had balls she'd be uncle Bill" " built like a brick sh** house" "Weird as snake feet" "That dog won't hunt" "3 days older than dirt" "Hotter n the devils back pocket" "comin a turd floater(rain)" "It's rainin like a cow pissin on a flat rock" "slicker n snot" "dark as a mouse hole at midnight" "like water rollin off a ducks back" "slow as molasses in January" "mad as an old wet hen" A person can durn near have a conversation and not say anything other n these. :o))

-- Amanda S (aseley@townsqr.com), November 20, 2000.

"I was at the train station the day my ship came in."

"Age difference is just mind over matter......If you don't mind, it dosen't matter."

"He's more nervous than a long tail cat in a rocking chair factory"

-- Cindy in Ky (solidrockranch@msn.com), November 20, 2000.

This reminds me of my childhood. My folks milked cows and the guy who picked up the cans of milk, I was in love with him at the age of 7, laced his conversation with so many sayings I can't begin to remember them. I do remember that Dale could swear, not allowed by anyone else and I'd come running from anywhere when the milk truck came in the yard just to listen. Dale was about 18 when he started coming to the farm, tall, and very good looking, even to a seven year old and could pick up two milk cans at a time and lift them into the truck. My dad really like him too. I remember being so crushed the day he came to pick up the milk and a really pretty red hair gal got out of the milk truck. Not to long later she appeared with a tiny bundle. A couple of his I remember (will take time to get that brain cell working)

Happy as a frog in God's pocket (Whatever was) bad enough to drive a dog from a gut wagon Not enough power to pull a setting hen off her nest Crooked as a pan of guts Nervous as a fart in a mitten Tighter than bark to a tree been around since Ceasar was a pup

Gosh, there were so many more I can't recall. Thanks Ken for the trip down memory lane. I'll be back if I remember more this morning.

-- Betsy Koehnlein (betsyk@pathwaynet.com), November 20, 2000.

"He looks like someone set his face afire and tried to put it out with an ax."

"Meaner than a two headed rattlesnake."

"Hotter than demon dung on a summer sidewalk"

-- Soni (thomkilroy@hotmail.com), November 20, 2000.

"I'd rather tie a pork chop to my forehead and stick my face in a tankful of pirhanna!" (than spend the holidays with my in-laws)

-- Tie A. (Knot@endofrope.com), November 20, 2000.

I'm likin' this one more and more: "What's good for the goose is good for the gander."

-- sheepish (rborgo@gt.e.net), November 20, 2000.

Well, these postings just make me "happier 'n a pig in sh*t" !

How about some colloquilisms or however it's spelled - "It's untellin" "I don't care a bit to do that", meaning of course that you'd be happy to oblige. "Same difference" "Your hair"s all struebly,go comb it." "It's spritzin'" that is it's raining very lightly. "don't be a greedy grut"

-- sharon wt (wildflower@ekyol.com), November 20, 2000.

Lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut. (an untrustworthy fellow)

-- Julie Froelich (firefly1@nnex.net), November 20, 2000.

"He dosen't have both oars in the water"

"His elevator dosen't go to the top floor"

-- Cindy in Ky (solidrockranch@msn.com), November 20, 2000.

Keep 'em coming. Have about a week or so before I need to whisper in sweet Annie-Marie's ear about possibly running them in the Feb/Mar issue. May have to clean up a couple though.

-- Ken S. in WC TN (scharabo@aol.com), November 20, 2000.

he is walking the dogs but they are not on the leash. Prettier then a blue ribbon hog on fair day, more fun to wrestle with then a warm litter of pups. If "a" holes could fly this place would be an airport. Its hard to soar with eagles when your hanging with turkeys. Crazier then an outhouse rat. Sh-- in one hand, wish in the other guess which one comes first. If I was smart I would not be here. Never argue with an idiot, he will drag you down to his level and beat you on experince. Like a turd in a punchbowl. Sexier then a set of chicken lips. Ignorance is the excuse of the rich . SH-- on shinola If there is a bar I have not been to they built it yesterday.

-- renee oneill{md.} (oneillsr@home.com), November 20, 2000.

My dad talking about my garden soil when I moved to this location"richer than ten foot up a bull's a**, slicker than owl sh**, he's a brick short of a load,& his elevator don't stop on every floor.

-- Don (dessertmaker2000@hotmail.com), November 20, 2000.

"I got the flu and went to the doctor.He cleared it up for me in 7 days. If I hadn't gone to see him,why I'd a been sick for a week!"- heard in local bank.

-- sharon wt (wildflower@ekyol.com), November 21, 2000.

Well I'll be wrapped in ham fat and pickled for the holidays!

-- Julie Froelich (firefly1@nnex.net), November 21, 2000.

Oh I forgot this -"I got it made in the shade, if the tree don't fall."

and a current favorite -"Big hat.....no cattle."

-- sharon wt (wildflower@ekyol.com), November 21, 2000.

"hungrier than a misquito at a nudist colony" "if you can't play in the yard with the big dogs; then get under the porch with the pups"

-- Beth Weber (talmidim88@hotmail.com), November 21, 2000.

He couldn't find his butt with both hands and a map. Slicker n goose stuff through a tin horn (no I have no clue what a tin horn is :o). Sweatin like a whore in church. Sweatin like a virgin at a prison rodeo. Believe it or not those last 2 were my mom's.

-- Amanda S (aseley@townsqr.com), November 21, 2000.

My mother-in-law always says tough titty said the kitty when the cow went dry. And I have a client that when I ask how he is (i'm a nurse) He always says finer than frogs hair, I have to admit it took me a minute to get it. This isn't a country one butI was there when my neice was born and I always told her when she was misbehaving that I helped bring her into this world and could help take her out, it had always been a running joke in the family and now that she was with me when I had my baby she can't wait for her to be old enough to tell her that. It sounds terrible but we have a great relationship and I tell everyone if we were nice to each other we would wonder fi the other one is sick.

-- Cynthia (Cynthiahemenway@hotmail.com), November 21, 2000.

Just though of another I had someone tell me. Horses sweat, men perspire, and ladies feel the heat.

-- Cynthia (cynthiahemenway@hotmail.com), November 21, 2000.

Pretty well all my life I have heard the saying, "young whipper- snapper." What the heck is a whipper-snapper?

-- Ken S. in WC TN (scharabo@aol.com), November 21, 2000.

"Even a blind hog finds an acorn once in a while"

"Don't squat with your spurs on"

"As awkward as 2 one legged men in a butt kicking contest"

"Can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear"

-- Cindy in Ky (solidrockranch@msn.com), November 21, 2000.

"A watched pot never boils"

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" (you know)

"Birds of a feather flock together"

-- Cindy in Ky (solidrockranch@msn.com), November 21, 2000.

So ugly she'd turn milk sour.

Grinning like a mule eating briars

You are the raspberry seed between my teeth.

Talks like his tongue is tied in the middle and loose on both ends.

Doesn't have the brains that God gave a goose.

He walks like he's got a corncob up his a**.

If I had some ham, I would have some ham and eggs, if I had some eggs.

And here is what I tell my dog when she comes in after rolling in something dead: If you are going to roll with the dead, you have to bathe with living.

-- R. (thor610@yahoo.com), November 21, 2000.

"Drier than a popcorn fart"

-- Anne (HT@HM.com), November 21, 2000.

That went over "like a popcorn fart in church"

-- sharon wt (wildflower@ekyol.com), November 21, 2000.

I have a friend that always says "Well, he can get over it or die p***ed off!" And one I made up on the spot one time when I was trying to describe someone, "He's got the personality of a brick." Also, in Texas we say we're "fixin to" do something. I didn't know until recently that other people didn't use that phrase. I guess they say they're "getting ready to" do something. When we bought our property, I asked one of the local men if the soil in the area was fertile. His answer was "the watermelons grow so big here they won't even roll down hill." I do not understand that to this day. It's a lot of fun reading all these saying!

-- Beverly Benitez (bdh2403@aol.com), November 21, 2000.

As useless as tits on a bull. Colder than a witches tit. Snappin' a**holes! Ain't worth a pich of 'coon s**t. Never pee on an electric fence. Never eat yellow snow and never swim in lumpy water.

-- Alison in Nova Scotia (aproteau@istar.ca), November 22, 2000.

Whenever I get rushed I say "Hold yer taters!" ...When irritated by my buddies at work I say " I'm gonna hit you so hard it'll make yer dawg bleed!

Jason

-- Jason (AJAMA5@netscape.net), November 22, 2000.

"He couldn't pour piss out of a boot with a hole in the toe and instructions on the heel."

-- Soni (thomkilroy@hotmail.com), November 22, 2000.

That bit of snow we just got reminded me of...."cold enough to freeze the snot right outta yer nose".

-Chelsea

-- Chelsea (rmbehr@istar.ca), November 22, 2000.

Put her/his mouth in gear and went off and left it, mouth running like a whipperwills a**, Crazy as a koot.

I was wondering, where are our European, Canadian and Australian friends. Got to be some really interesting sayings, especially in Australia.

-- Betsy K (betsyk@pathwaynet.com), November 23, 2000.

Hi,

I was in a department store one day and was standing next to an escalator, when I overheard a mother tell her kid that if "you don't git on this escalator I'm gonna snatch you bald-headed". Should have seen the look on the kid's face....

On another note, one of my favorites is "you ain't the brightest crayon in the box", (describes my daughter's ex..); and "she's so poor she washes the paperplates and hangs em out to dry.."

Too dumb to come in outa the rain is another one...

-- Cindy (colawson@mindspring.com), November 23, 2000.

"Ain't had so much fun since the pigs et my lil brother"

"Dumber'n a box a rocks"

"If I felt any better I'd have to be twins!"

"Neater'n sliced bread."

"I'm sick in bed with three nurses...How you doin'?"

"I'm gonna beat you like a red headed step child!"

"She's so tight she can swallow a dime and s*** out eleven cents."

-- Doreen (animalwaitress@excite.com), November 23, 2000.

If you feel froggy... jump his cheese has slippid off the cracker (from the movie The Green Mile) dummer than a door knob three sheets to the wind

This thread was fun, and I needed a laugh today. Thanks!

-- Tina (clia88@newmexico.com), November 23, 2000.

Ok- I've quit laughing enouph to add some things I grew up hearing from my dad- he had more sayings than anyone I knew, and I don't think I ever did hear them all due to content(not suitable for daddy's little girl) *Tighter on the back band lighter on the wheel, the hotter it is the better I feel. *If frogs had wings they wouldn't bump their hind ends when they jump *Horse high, bull strong and pig tight(in reference to how a fence should be) *tighter than Dick's hatband *every once in a while a blind hog finds an acern What a great thread:) Joy

-- Joy (JNews1223@hotmail.com), November 24, 2000.

When we would get hurt, my Dad would tell us, "It's a long way from your heart." The one I still use is, "It'll feel better when it quits hurtin'."

Growing up in a small town, my mother's advice was to, "Don't do anything you don't want your mother to know about, because I'll be the last one to find out, after everyone else in town tells me." In referenc to the dubious character who was the town constable, "If you kids get in trouble and have to go to jail, you WALK to the jail, do NOT get in the car with that man."

The one that absolutely cracked me up, and my kids still remember, was an 80 year old lady in S.E. Kansas, when taken completely by suprise by a coment, blurted out in that perfect country twang, "When monkeys fly out my butt!" I guess that old woman was ringier than a pet coon. One day when we were visiting her, she was eating canned cat food with corn chips and going on about how "This bean dip tastes like sh**." We were laughing so hard she couldn't really understand what we were trying to tell her. Visiting the elderly for the church is so rewarding!

-- Laura (gsend@hotmail.com), November 25, 2000.

The lights are on but nobody's home.

-- diane (gardiacaprines@yahoo.com), December 01, 2000.

colder than a grave diggers (or hookers) heart , cold enough to freeze the b*lls off a brass monkey, he's so low he can walk under a belly of a snake, snug as a bug in a rug, when they were handing out brains he thought they said trains so he went home, well i'm off like a brides pants later folks

-- Martin (martinh@wcl.on.ca), December 17, 2000.

"That's like sellin' the calf before the cow goes dry."

-- Cindy in Ky (solidrockranch@msn.com), December 19, 2000.

You left out one Brady short of a bunch.

-- mitch hearn (moopups1@aol.com), March 29, 2001.

I read these in a book & I can't hardly type, I'm laughing so hard!

He runs like a chicken pulling a wagon. She looks like she got hit in the face with a wet squirrel.

-- Laura (lucky1s@mcmsys.com), November 16, 2001.

One of my 102 year old Gram's favorite. "Blessed is he that tooteth his own horn, for it shall be well tooted". My husband's favorite: "I brought you into this world and can take you out and make another one just like you!" How about "What in the tarnation....."? Mary

-- Mary (Mary@home.com), November 16, 2001.

My almost 90 year old uncle says "I've met a lot of squirrels in my time but he's at the top of the tree".

-- Anna in Iowa (countryanna54@hotmail.com), November 16, 2001.

"He's so low he could walk under a snake without bending his knees or taking off his top-hat".

"As much charisma as a slug in a salad"

"As much use as an ashtray on a motor-bike".

"As much use as tits on a bull"

"As slick as a rat with a gold tooth" (usually of overdressed lowlives like the lower sorts of second-hand car salesmen, real- estate agents, politicians or lawyers).

"He's got kangaroos in the top paddock" (there's a lot of activity up there, but to no useful purpose)

"Bats in the belfry"

"He's a few bricks short of a load"

"He's a tinny short of a sixpack"

"Couldn't organise a p**s-up in a brewery"

"You look like you lost a pound and found a penny" (that one dates me, since Australia has had decimal currency since 1966)

"He DESERVES to be a politician" (said scathingly of some particularly prime example of our elected representatives)

"Her nose is so far in the air she'd drown if she got caught in the rain without her umbrella" (of a snobbish woman) (or just "she'd drown ....")

"He's so far up himself that he's nibbling on his tonsils" (of a snobbish man)

Or nicknames (I can't remember a lot of these - many of them came from wharf labourers):

"Aspirin" (a slow-working dope)

"The Judge" (always sitting on a case"

"Needle" (also "Knife" or "Colonel Bowie") (but not REALLY sharp)

"The Colonel" (actually chicken - known to run from a fight)

-- Don Armstrong (from Australia) (darmst@yahoo.com.au), November 16, 2001.

"Lower than a gnat's ankle"

"He could talk a dog off a meat wagon"

"Ugly as dishwater"

"Funny as a crocheted bathtub"

"Cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table"

"If it was raining soup, I'd be out in the yard with a fork"

"'Think' thought he had a roof over his head, but when it rained, he got wet" This usually preceed me telling my father "But, Daddy, I thought..."

"Good breeding shows"

"Remember who you are and where you are"

"Don't show your tail" (Mother telling us to behave ourselves)

Wishing you enough.

-- Trevilians (aka Dianne in Mass) (Trevilians@mediaone.net), November 16, 2001.

my dads favorite at 5a.m. in the morning " get up out of those beds you bunch of lazy, worthless, retarded, good-for-nothing nummies" Of course dad made that one up. My mothers always said to me, "you can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the boy"

-- george (bngcrview@aol.com), November 16, 2001.

Hey George, my husband loves yelling up the stairs in the morning "Get up, you bunch of welfare recipients.....you're checks are in! Mary

-- Mary (Mary@home.com), November 16, 2001.

Mary, that one really made me laugh. Another one my father use to say "you can't boil water without burning it" makes my dad sound awful but he really is great and only said these things to get a chuckle, and he did.

-- george (bngcrview@aol.com), November 16, 2001.

I'd ask a country coworker where someone was... "Went to s#*t and the hogs ate him".

-- Susan (smtroxel@socket.net), November 16, 2001.

"tighter'n the skin on a bean"

"cold enough no freeze the balls off of a billiard table"

"fixin' to commence" as in getting ready to start.

Many folks respond to a comment by saying "Well, I declare!" My old neighbor has shortened it over the years to, "I 'clare!"

"So ugly he'd/she'd stop a clock"

"He's/she's been beat with an ugly stick"

"Slicker'n owl s*** on a pump handle"

"That beats all I ever helt, smelt, felt or dealt"

"Can't afford to pay attention"

"I'm so ugly, when I's born my momma carried me upside down fer three days. She couldn't tell the top from the bottom - in fact, she thought I just had one eye"

-- Paul (hoyt@egyptian.net), November 17, 2001.