I thought this one fitting after all the grumbling about the elderly voting in Florida.

A State Police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at 22 mph. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!"

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error.

Before letting her go, the officer asked, "Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

-- Anonymous, November 16, 2000

Answers

Heh, heh...good one!

Here's one the hubby sent me yesterday...

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight? WIFE: That's a good idea. Why don't you stand at the sink and do dishes and I'll sit on the sofa and fart.

-- Anonymous, November 16, 2000

OK, I'll add one to this bunch (and this one hits home for me).

Mets demand another inning

NEW YORK (AP) --The New York Mets announced today that they are going to court to get an additional inning added to the end of Game 5 of the World Series. The batting, pitching, and bench coaches for the Mets held a press conference earlier today. They were joined by members of the Major League Players Union. "We meant to hit those pitches from the Yankee pitchers," said the Mets batting coach. "We were confused by the irregularities of the pitches we received and believe we have been denied our right to hit."

One claim specifically noted that a small percentage of the Mets batters had intended to swing at fast balls, but actually swung at curve balls. It was clear that these batters never intended to swing at curve balls, though a much higher percentage were not confused by the pitches. Reporters at the press conference pointed out that the Mets had extensively reviewed film of the Yankees pitchers prior to the World Series and had in fact faced the Yankees in inter-league play earlier in the year. "The fact remains that some of the pitches confused us and denied us of our right to hit," said the Mets batting coach. "The World Series is not over yet and the Yankees are celebrating prematurely."

Major League Baseball has reviewed the telecast of all the World Series games and recounted the balls and strikes called by the umpires of each game. "While some of the strikes called against the Mets were, in fact, balls, there were not enough of them to change the outcome of the World Series," the commissioner said. Another portion of the Mets legal claim stated that, based on on-base percentage, the Mets had actually won the World Series, regardless of the final scores of the games. "It's clear that we were slightly on-base more often than the Yankees," said a Mets spokesman. "The World Series crown is rightly ours." The manager of the Mets has remained in relative seclusion, engaging in some light jogging for exercise. He has stated that he believes "we need to let the process run its course without a rush to judgment."

-- Anonymous, November 16, 2000

Who said that Florida ballot wasn't confusing?

Florida Ballot

-- Anonymous, November 16, 2000

I definitely think this one qualifies for the humor thread.

Cory Hamasaki is stating that the manual recount is being "fixed" by card sharks and magicians. Do some folks stay up nights dreaming this stuff up, or do you suppose it just comes to them?

Card sharks and Magicians

-- Anonymous, November 16, 2000

Yeah, right...it comes to them..

Ralphing on the floor.

-- Anonymous, November 16, 2000

Apparently, only us wimmuns have a sense of 'yumor, so here goes another one:

A True Friend

For those that are tired of the usual "friend" poems, a touch of the truth!

When you are sad........................
I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.

When you are scared..................
I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried................
I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining.

When you are confused.............
I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick........................
I will hold your hair while you pray homage to the porcelain God.

When you fall.......................
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath..................
I pledge til the end.

Why you may ask?..................
Because you are my friend.

Send this to ten of your closest friends and you will win the lottery.

Yeah right, when pigs fly!

-- Anonymous, November 16, 2000

Now I REALLY liked that friend one (Big Evil grin)

-- Anonymous, November 17, 2000

A friend with weed IS a friend, in deed. :-)

said Gore to Lieberman

-- Anonymous, November 17, 2000

Transcript of the First Presidential Ballot Counting Session, Nov. 8, 2000

JIM LEHRER (MODERATOR): Good evening from the Miami Beach Convention Center. I'm Jim Lehrer of the News Hour on PBS. On this stage tonight I am joined by the two major presidential candidates, Vice President Al Gore and Texas Gov. George W. Bush, and by these 17 plastic bins of Florida election ballots.

An eighteenth bin, containing 3,472 ballots, has been disallowed due to the discovery that every ballot was signed with the name "Hyram J. Spinkster." Still under discussion is whether to count a large sack of ballots that mysteriously descended by parachute this morning over the city of West Palm Beach. Both campaigns have agreed that any absentee ballots cast by a citizen who then expired prior to Election Day will be counted as one-half of a vote.

Under the rules established by the Emergency Presidential Commission on Counting, each candidate will be given 90 seconds to count ballots, at which time his opponent will be given 30 seconds for rebuttal. Each candidate has scratch paper and two sharpened pencils.

I alone control the pencil sharpener.

When all the ballots are counted, I will review the tabulations. The candidate with the fewest votes must bring me his tribal torch. I will then extinguish the torch and send him into the Everglades. The winner receives the presidency and one million dollars. We begin with Vice President Gore.

GORE: Thank you, Jim. Before I begin counting, I would like to remind the American people that my opponent has promised one trillion dollars of Social Security money to two different groups of people. Now, I can add one and one. One and one is two. I invite the American people to double-check my math on that. My opponent seems to disagree on this very important point, and I invite him to share with the American people his own perverse theory of mathematics. I would also—

BUSH: Stop campaigning! You know you lost! Just once say the words, "President George Walker Bush."

GORE: I won. I won the popular vote. I am more popular than you are and I'm not conceding until you admit it.

BUSH: Crybaby. Loser. Loooooooozzzeeerrrrr.

LEHRER: Gentlemen, this is all contrary to the rules. Mr. Vice President, please commence with the counting.

GORE: All right. Here's a Gore. Here's a Gore. That's two Gores. Here's one that's not clearly marked. Here's a—

BUSH: Not clearly marked? Jim! He's cheating already. Let me see that ballot.

GORE: You don't have to be so snippy. Look for yourself. There's just a sort of … blemish on the paper. A very minor indentation. There ought to be a little square hole from the ballot puncher.

BUSH: That's a hole! That's a—

GORE: That's not a hole. There's no penetration of the fiber. I don't think there's a controlling legal authority that can determine in the affirmative or negative whether that's truly a hole.

LEHRER: Gentlemen, let's put that in the 'indeterminate' pile, and proceed.

GORE: Here's a Gore. Another Gore. And here's one that has something written on it. It just says, "I've fallen and I can't get up." That's clearly a Gore. That's code for "Gore."

BUSH: I help people who fall down, too! I believe in compassion for people who can't get up.

LEHRER: Indeterminate. Governor Bush, you have 30 seconds for a rebuttal, and then it is your turn to count.

BUSH: Well, look. He's a cheater. Couldn't be more obvious. This election's over. Networks called it, then they get nervous, the liberal media, can't stand to see their boy lose. You know this bozo called me on the phone and conceded, gave it up, admitted he lost, then an hour later he calls back, says he had his fingers crossed the whole time. Well, I had my fingers crossed, too, and that CANCELS his crossed-finger lie. So he's lost.

GORE: That was before I was told about the absentee ballots of soldiers stationed in Antarctica. My people say Antarctica is a Democratic stronghold.

BUSH: Give me those damn ballots.

GORE: He's grabbing!

LEHRER: Governor Bush, I think if you ask politely he will hand them over.

BUSH: All right then. Bush. Gore. Bush. Gore. Gore. This is nuts. Gonna give Jeb so many noogies he'll want a head transplant. Bush, another Bush. One for the jerk. Another Bush. One for the liar. One for the big dork who invented the Internet. Bush. Bush. Hah! What's that, a bunch for me already. Bush! Lookie here. Bush everywhere. I think I'm opening up a big can of whup-ass here, Jim!

GORE: Excuse me, but I don't think such language is presidential.

BUSH: Nine for me, ten for me, six for you. Eleven for me. See I can go up higher than most people think. Twelve for me. Thirteen. Um, Jim, didn't you say we'd get calculators?

LEHRER: That was not stipulated in the rules. Mr. Vice President, you have 30 seconds.

GORE: Jim, if you look closely you will see that he is counting many of those ballots twice. Watch his hands. This is precisely like his Social Security plan and echoes all too strikingly his propensity for you-know-what – fuzzy math.

BUSH: Look, I have advisers I trust. I have good people around me. Dick Cheney is incredible with addition and subtraction. He's memorized the entire multiplication table, including the nines.

VOICE IN BACKGROUND: On behalf of the Green Party and my 96,000 Florida supporters and of all people who care about democracy and the rights of the ordinary citizen in an age dominated by craven politicians in the thrall of their corporate paymasters I—

LEHRER: Will the security guards please escort Mr. Nader to the exit.

GORE: Let me just interject that Mr. Nader will not be getting a Christmas card from the Gore family.

LEHRER: I'm afraid we are out of time and must continue with the process tomorrow night and for additional nights thereafter until we get this settled, even if that means that Campaign 2000 turns into Campaign 2001. Good night from Miami Beach.

Join Rough Draft at 1 p.m. today, right here, for a live online marathon discussion of the campaign that refused to end. Joel will take questions for as long as you want to chat.

© 2000 The Washington Post Company

-- Anonymous, November 17, 2000

Patricia, dear heart, you're reminding me of why I like batchelorhood.

-- Anonymous, November 17, 2000

Carlos, I can assure you that was not my intent.

Besides, perhaps you can't live with us, but you certainly can't live without us.

We make everything so.....so.....interesting.

(Yeah, that's the ticket..........interesting.)

Anita, that was a scream. The tears are rolling down my face!!

-- Anonymous, November 17, 2000

Patricia, I work with three ladies without whom my life would be REALLY boring. Ages 23 to 39 and they keep me on my toes. God luv 'em. But. Well, just BUT.

-- Anonymous, November 17, 2000

(Yeah, yeah...I know it's Saturday. But I just got this one in email.....)

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"I'm sorry I ever invented the Electoral College."

Al Gore 11/08/00

-- Anonymous, November 18, 2000