All right, you ladies had a go at us men a couple of weeks ago...

TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH... (Author unknown)

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. Any sane man will refuse to answer.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down before sitting down. If it is dark, use the braille technique.

3. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secrets girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

4. A man can go through life with the same hair length and style. Why do you have to change yours every so often?

5. Birthdays, valentines and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

6. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

7. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

8. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.

9. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

10. If you are going to give birth, schedule it for a day my alma mata isn't playing on national TV.

11. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.

12. Why would it take more than ten seconds, much less one-half hour, to choose a greeting card?

13. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!

14. You have enough clothes.

15. You have too many shoes.

16. Crying is blackmail.

17. Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hits don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!

18. No, we really don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries, etc. on our calendars. Men just don't put the importance of these occasions women do. To most men it's just another day.

19. Peeing standing up is far more difficult that sitting down. We're bound to get distracted and miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and No are prefectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

22. If you use me as an excuse not to do something, like babysitting your sister's bratty kids for a weekend, at least coordinate it with me first. This works very well: "You really wouldn't want me to ... would you?"

23. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

24. Why are women's bathroom functions so complicated it takes a pair to do them?

25. A headache which lasts for more than a couple of days is a problem. See a doctor.

26. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

27. Check your own oil. It's easy.

28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

29. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

30. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

31. Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

32. You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.

33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

34. All men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

35. If it itches, it will be scratched.

36. Beer is as exciting to us as handbags are for you.

37. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

38. Don't be disappointed if you married us thinking you could change something and you can't. For the most part we are not 'works in progress.'

39. If you say you really don't care what restaurant or movie we choose, don't complain about it afterwards.

40. What is hell is a doily?

-- Ken S. in WC TN (scharabo@aol.com), October 29, 2000

Answers

Ken, I love it! I think my husband adopted this as his guide to relationships. He has been using some of these quotes quite a bit lately.

-- Laura (gsend@hotmail.com), October 29, 2000.

That's great Ken. I'll be printing this up for my husband. I'm sure he'll take it to work for all those macho plumbers. Amber

-- Amber (mikeandamberq@hotmail.com), October 29, 2000.

Good one Ken! Here's another

Three guys are standing around, just bs'n. One guy says my wife is so mad at me we haven't talked to each other in over a week. The second guy says, "Thats nothing. My wife and I haven't spoken in close to a month." The third guy, silent up till now says, "jeez, you guys have got it good. I haven't talked to my wife in twenty years."

The others ask "Man, thats a long time. What did you do?"

Third guy responds "Not a thing. She just hates to be interrupted."

-- john leake (natlivent@pcpros.net), October 29, 2000.

Okay Ken! This is our "gotcha" I guess!

I like No. 31! At our house, the saying is: "So what if I'm on a diet? I still like to look at the menu!" That goes for BOTH of us. (actually kind of an incentive to still try and look half-way appealing to the other partner!)

Pretty amusing.

-- sheepish (rborgo@gte.net), October 29, 2000.

Ken, I'm really lucky. Only 3 of your listed items apply to Lynn and she flipped me the "finger" when we got to those. Our solution to the toilet seat: everyone puts everything down, lid included. This way everyone is inconvienenced, no favorites.

-- Jay Blair (jayblair678@yahoo.com), October 29, 2000.

I truely believe that all men have automatic volume controls put into their ears during their bacholor parties so they can turn their wives out.

-- Dee (gdgtur@goes.com), October 30, 2000.

Really cute! But Number 27 is what I tell my HUSBAND all the time!!

-- Cindy in Ky (solidrockranch@msn.com), October 30, 2000.

Good One Ken! Very Funny, thanks for the laugh! God Bless! Wendy

-- Wendy@GraceAcres (wjl7@hotmail.com), October 30, 2000.

Thanks Ken, you are a jewel. I'm glad we can laugh at each other, some people take life much to seriously. Men and women ARE different, thank god.

-- Tina (clia88@newmexico.com), October 30, 2000.

Cute, Ken! Most of them don't apply to me -- and why on earth do men insist on peeing standing up and splattering contaminated water all over every surface within three feet of the toilet!?! It's not the drips that bother me so much as the unavoidable mist of droplets that make washing the walls necessary every time you clean the bathroom, or the whole place smells. (I cleaned nineteen bathrooms last night at work, if you want to know why I get so irate about this topic!) Personally, I think men should only stand up to pee if they are out in the woods. Indoors, SIT DOWN!!!

-- Kathleen Sanderson (stonycft@worldpath.net), October 30, 2000.

Kathleen, this is the second thread that has come around to men standing and peeing, perhaps if you have a urinal in your home this would be fine! This has been a huge topic of conversation recently with lots of new babies around. The concensus is, we are going to teach our sons and grandsons to sit down to pee. They will have plenty of time to learn to stand and pee at urinals or out in the woods. You figure we have tried to teach our boys to aim for decades and this is simply not happening, than we are expected to touch this seat/lid each time we are to use the bathroom that has been sprayed/splashed. Our thoughts are to teach them to sit on a standard toilet for politeness sake, then to "just say yes" to standing and peeing outdoors and in public urinals. Just like circumcision, the time really has come to rethink this. Guess to my no smoking sign I will add no standing to pee :) Vicki

-- Vicki McGaugh TX (vickilonesomedoe@hotmail.com), October 30, 2000.

Good for you, Vicki!! I've talked to a couple of friends (who holp clean our church, so they are also aware od the problem), and they are also, with the approval of their hubbies, teaching their little boys to sit down!! We have a new crusade!! First, the vote for women (though I'm not really sure what we gained with that! LOL!!), now teach your sons to sit!

-- Kathleen Sanderson (stonycft@worldpath.net), November 01, 2000.

Oh, and I don't think urinals solve the problem -- they aren't very nice to clean, either. Not to mention the lack of modesty in public places -- I know people are more concerned about modesty for girls than for boys, but for the life of me, I can't figure out why. It ought to be the same for both. (Well, and then there are those who aren't concerned about modesty for either, but we won't go there -- not on this thread, at least!)

-- Kathleen Sanderson (stonycft@worldpath.net), November 01, 2000.

Vicki and Kathleen, I'm so glad that I'm not the only one who thinks this way, for 15 years I cleaned other people's houses for a living (where we used to live, it paid 60-65 dollars a day-cash) and always wondered, there has to be a better way, there you go! Annie in SE OH.

-- Annie Miller (annie@1st.net), November 01, 2000.

Thanks Ken that was terrific and i hope you keep at it. Though I myself have wondered wahat a doiley is

-- David Cripe (cripeland@aol.com), April 25, 2001.

It's true then....men really are from Mars :)

-- Marcia (HrMr@webtv.net), April 26, 2001.