The Goose County Gazette

Bow Peep, Staff Writer

In a move sure to shock the local community This Old Man was arrested yesterday on a charge of sexual abuse of a child for inappropriate touching. A local ten year old girl accused Mr. Man of playing nick nack on her knee on several occasions. It was only after undergoing good touch/bad touch training she came forward. Her name is not being printed to protect her identify.

Mr. Jack Sprat, attorney for Mr. Man, said this action is the result of an overzealous district attorney seeking publicity prior to next month's elections. He went on to say Mr. Man has been a well-respected member of the local community for as long as anyone can remember and has played nick nack on the knees of generations of children.

Mr. Sprat said he will take the case to the Supreme Court if necessary.

Mr. Man remains free on $1,000,000 bail pending the court date.

Mr. Sprat is also the attorney handling the appeal of An Old Woman, recently convicted on multiple counts of child physical abuse. She was found guilty of spanking her numerous children soundly before putting them to bed. Mrs. Woman's appeal is based on temporary insanity due to being a single parent raising many children, while having no job and being forced to live in sub-standard housing.

Mrs. Woman is released on $1,000 so she can continue to care for her children pending the outcome of the appeal. Her care is under the direct monitoring of the local Social Services Agency which has stipulated absolutely no physical contact between her and her children. Mrs. Mary Contary, director of the agency, said this arrangements was entered into to prevent the children from being split up into many foster care homes.

No date has been set for her appeal hearing.

-- Ken S. in WC TN (scharabo@aol.com), October 12, 2000

Answers

It's worse than you think, Ken...

Jack was not nimble enough when trying to jump over the candle and was admitted to Emergency with 3rd degree burns on his, ah...posterior.

The cow jumping over the moon caper was not preceded by an environmental impact statement as to the effect of cow pies deposited on the lunar surface. The EPA is livid.

Little Boy Blue was suspended without pay from his lookout duties for not blowing his horn in a timely manner when the cows got in the corn.

Jack and Jill have filed suit against Well-on-the-Hill Inc. for not providing safe access to their water supply, causing Jack to fall down and break his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

...and Jack Horner was charged by local health officials for unsanitary practices when was observed to stick his thumb in a pie to pull out a plum.

Mother Goose is really having a hard day!

(:raig

-- Craig Miller (CMiller@ssd.com), October 12, 2000.

Peter, a pumpkin eater is awaiting trial on charges of domestic abuse, neglect and unlawful imprisonment. He is trying to present an infidelity defense.

-- Jay Blair (jayblair678@yahoo.com), October 13, 2000.

Little Miss Muffet has filed a motion in civil court bringing suit against Mr. A. Spider, claiming emotional distress, after an assault during which Mr. Spider interupted Miss Muffet while she was dining on her tuffet and frightened her so badly that she was forced to flee from what she believed to be an imminent threat to her person. A doctor on the case is quoted as saying that "Miss Muffet suffers from post traumatic stress disorder and cannot now bear the sight of curds and whey (previously her favorite meal) and has been forced to rearrange her entire range of eating habits so as to avoid any accidental sightings of such." Also involved in the suit is a Mr. Humpty Dumpty, and authorities are looking into the possiblilty that Mr. Spider may have been involved with Dumpty's unfortunate accident.

-- Soni (thomkilroy@hotmail.com), October 13, 2000.