Has it ever hurt too much to be someone's friend? What did you do about it?

I'm torn between sticking around and supporting something I don't agree with. And doing what I feel is the "right" thing and standing by my friend... for better or worse.

But am I just being a shmuck? At what point do you cut your losses and just give up?

I really want my friend to be happy and have a great life, but I sincerely feel that they're selling themselves way short.

-A

-- Amanda (amanda@nonsequitur.net), August 17, 2000

Answers

All I can say is Wow.

As far as I'm concerned... a) it's not THAT bad... and b) it's VERY important to me.

I don't think that I could give up. Not really. Maybe I care too much about things I shouldn't. But it's really not in my nature to give up on others.

My list of real "friends" is very short. In fact, there are about 4 people on it. But there's almost nothing I wouldn't do for my family or those four people.

I just don't think that I could feel good about myself if I gave up. So I won't. Not until it will cost me my own health or sanity.

But I know you understand, it's still hard. I tend to be fairly cynical and realistic about things but there's a small part of me that holds onto some foolish dreamy notions, and that spark carries me through most of the bullshit.

Fact is, I have faith in my friend and I would be doing both of us a disservice if I were to deny that and not do all that I can.

Sigh, I wish life were easier sometimes. :)

-- Amanda (amanda@nonsequitur.net), August 18, 2000.

Hmm...yes and no. (Gee, thanks, Raphael.) Really, it depends on (a) what it is and (b) how important it is to you. I remember a very good friend I knew, who was thoughtful and great to spend time with, whom I found was spraying swastikas and uttering anti-semitic words at people, including me behind my back. Even if I wasn't jewish and wasn't the target of his hatred, I'd have dropped him like a stone, which is what I did. Racism, and hate in general, are things that I won't put up with, not for anyone.

But I've suffered through questionable behavior for family and friends, too. Like a dear friend who took my friendship for granted. He was using, and getting worse and worse. I got together with a bunch of friends eventually, and we confronted him, which only made him angrier, more verbally abusive, and generally more scary (go figure). But we stuck together, and helped him get into, and out of, rehab. A year is a long time to be someone's crutch, especially when that person, leans on, jumps on and throws that crutch repeatedly.

I guess it depends on whether or not there's a light at the end of the tunnel. (Which in turn depends on your sense of vision.) So, yeah, I guess my little rant hasn't shed much light. Bottom line: no matter what anyone tells you, the decision is and should be yours alone. Good luck, you'll need it.

-Raphael

-- Raphael F. (grebq@yahoo.com), August 18, 2000.

Well, I believe in friendship through thick and thin, know what I mean? Regardless of what my friends do or believe in, even if I disagree, I will still be their friend. I don't have to do what they do or follow their way of life, but I will not cut them out of my life or discontinue their friendships. Like I have friends that smoke (ewww, gross!), but they are still my friends. And I have friends that like to party all night, drink and listen to loud obnoxious music (rave parties; booooriiiing!), not my thing either, but they are still my friends. I have friends that believe in weird religions (such as Christianity), but they are still my friends. Now, I don't have any friends that are currently engaging in totally distructive behaviour (ie. drugs, doing someone's wife, quiting college to to be a bum, etc), but if I did, I might advise them a bit, but ultimatly it is their life and their choice and no one can change their mind but them. I have no right to demand that they follow my way and it really wouldn't be like fair if I cut them off, know what I mean?

-- Shira (eviljewessss@yahoo.com), August 20, 2000.

Yeah... I keep my list of friends VERY short... because I do pretty much believe in sticking by them through almost anything.

Of course, I have lots of acquaintances though. And that's good... they're people who's company I enjoy and that I'm friendly with. But it's definitely a different type of thing. There isn't the same level of commitment.

I do understand what you mean and I agree that you DON'T always have to agree on things or have the same outlook on issues.

-A

-- Amanda (nonny@nonsequitur.net), August 20, 2000.

Yes, I live with my best friend right now and she uses. I thought she had decided to stop one of her new things, but I was away for a few days and judging by how she was when I came back I was mistaken. I hate when that happens. She is sooooo miserable and its to the point where I cant sit and watch her self distruct anymore, but I cant sit and keep helping her and pretend like nothing is wrong. I love her more than anyone else in the world and i am SOOOOO confused. She and my other roomate say they wont let me get started, and I dont want to, so thats not a worry, but I just wish I knew if it was better to walk away or stick it out a while longer.

-- Karen Kennelly (Karenk0610@yahoo.com), August 27, 2000.