Match Number 10

21 October 1995, Wimbledon at SJP, 6-1 to the Toon. Sir Les scored a memorable hattrick and Vinnie Jones received a standing ovation for some incredible saves when he took over in goal after the Wombles had their keeper sent off. The pick of our goals came from Lee Clark, however with a venemous long range effort. Gayle pulled one pack for the visitors. Albert scored 4 minutes after coming off the bench to mark his return from an extended absence through injury. 364 days later, 2 centre halves would score for NUFC again...

Points Hislop 7 Barton 2 Peacock 2 Howey 6 (goal) Albert 5 (sub and goal) Beresford 2 Lee 2 Sellars 5 (sub but Joker) Clark 5 (goal) Hottiger 5 (sub but Joker) Ginola 2 Gillespie 2 Beardsley 2 Ferdinand 8 (3 goals!)

Results: Match 10

BBS Premier Corinthian League

Athletico Backworth	1-3	Borussia Canwehaveourballbach
Beardo United	5-0	Barton's Samba
Brewery Droopers United	4-0	MacBeth's Marauders
Duncan's Disorderlies	1-0	Dabizas Pleazas
MinesaS&N Academicals	4-0	Steph's Superstars
Proper Lard Unathletic	0-1	Pilgrim's Converts
Toon Goons	4-3	Yelli's Yobs
Woodstock County	2-0	Wallsend Old Boys

BBS Notionless League Division 1

Baxter Basics	1-0	Chevy's Choppers
Carlisle United Revisited	3-1	Blaydon Racers
Corinthian Smart-Casuals	0-0	ITK Heaton World Beaters
Howdon Harriers	5-0	Dudley Boys
Jessie's High Pants	3-0	Real Zaragossy
Quantum Mechanicals	2-0	Pete's Porkie Pies
Screacher's Creatures	4-3	The Stellar Warriors
The Gallowgate	1-2	Spayne

BBS Notionless League Division 2

Bewildered De Builders	5-4	Douglas All Boys (B) Team
Doomed United	2-0	Ceptic
FC Forget-Me-Nots	0-1	Preston Big End
Gallowgateaserai	0-4	FC Jumpers for Goal Posts
Real Seghill	1-1	SS Enterprise
Shilbottle WMC	1-0	Sexy Boys
Superstitious FC	6-0	Unaccountable Wild-elf Bottles
Toon Gutter Snipes	0-9	The Entertainers

The Entertainers chalk up the League scoring record for a single game with an incredible 42 out of 55...Toon Gutter Snipes acting as unfortunate whipping boys on their home ground, just to add insult to injury: ouch!

BBS Premier Corinthian League Table

Position	Team	Manager	Won	Dwn	Lst	G/F	G/A	G/Dif	Points
1	Pilgrim's Converts	Pilgrim	8	1	1	32	11	21	25
2	Brewery Droopers United	Windy	7	0	3	23	11	12	21
3	Yelli's Yobs	Yelli	6	2	2	27	18	9	20
4	Steph's Superstars	Steph	6	2	2	20	13	7	20
5	MinesaS&N Academicals	muzzainoz	6	1	3	28	14	14	19
6	Beardo United	Beardo	5	2	3	28	22	6	17
7	Athletico Backworth	Jonno	4	3	3	21	18	3	15
8	Woodstock County	Cliff	4	2	4	17	14	3	14
9	Toon Goons	Ciara	3	3	4	17	20	-3	12
10	Borussia Canwehaveourballbach	SMB	3	2	5	24	25	-1	11
11	Proper Lard Unathletic	Tony Green jnr	3	1	6	14	18	-4	10
12	Duncan's Disorderlies	Dunx	3	1	6	9	19	-10	10
13	Dabizas Pleazas	PeteT	3	1	6	10	22	-12	10
14	Barton's Samba	Barton	3	0	7	4	23	-19	9
15	MacBeth's Marauders	MacBeth	2	2	6	9	21	-12	8
16	Wallsend Old Boys	Hiro	2	1	7	12	25	-13	7

BBS Notionless League Division 1 Table

Position	Team	Manager	Won	Dwn	Lst	G/F	G/A	G/Dif	Points
1	Quantum Mechanicals	True	7	2	1	23	9	14	23
2	Howdon Harriers	Softie	6	3	1	34	13	21	21
3	Screacher's Creatures	Screacher	5	4	1	23	16	7	19
4	The Stellar Warriors	Galaxy	5	3	2	29	17	12	18
5	Carlisle United Revisited	Scratchy	5	3	2	19	16	3	18
6	Spayne	Kevin Koogan (Garcie)	5	2	3	17	15	2	17
7	Jessie's High Pants	Loony Toon	5	2	3	15	13	2	17
8	Baxter Basics	Baxter	4	2	4	12	15	-3	14
9	Blaydon Racers	Geordie	3	3	4	22	17	5	12
10	Dudley Boys	Hayley	3	3	4	13	18	-5	12
11	ITK Heaton World Beaters	ITK	3	2	5	9	15	-6	11
12	Real Zaragossy	Dr Bill	3	1	6	14	24	-10	10
13	Corinthian Smart-Casuals	The Geordie Jew	2	3	5	10	21	-11	9
14	Pete's Porkie Pies	Pete in Canada	2	2	6	7	13	-6	8
15	The Gallowgate	Kegsy	1	3	6	14	30	-16	6
16	Chevy's Choppers	Chevy	0	4	6	9	17	-8	4

BBS Notionless League Division 2 Table

Position	Team	Manager	Won	Dwn	Lst	G/F	G/A	G/Dif	Points
1	Preston Big End	clarky	7	2	1	24	12	12	23
2	FC Jumpers for Goal Posts	Tom	6	3	1	27	9	18	21
3	The Entertainers	Kevin Keegan	5	3	2	34	22	12	18
4	Shilbottle WMC	Gus	5	3	2	19	14	5	18
5	Bewildered De Builders	De Builder	4	5	1	27	20	7	17
6	Real Seghill	Juano	4	4	2	21	11	10	16
7	FC Forget-Me-Nots	Robby Bobson	5	1	4	14	15	-1	16
8	Unaccountable Wild-elf Bottles	Josh	5	1	4	17	19	-2	16
9	Douglas All Boys (B) Team	Gibbo	5	1	4	26	30	-4	16
10	Superstitious FC	Gav	3	4	3	29	30	-1	13
11	SS Enterprise	Elliot	2	4	4	18	18	0	10
12	Gallowgateaserai	Pit Bill	2	3	5	11	16	-5	9
13	Doomed United	Dougal	2	2	6	11	21	-10	8
14	Toon Gutter Snipes	Tre	2	2	6	13	24	-11	8
15	Sexy Boys	Ruud Gullit	2	0	8	8	25	-17	6
16	Ceptic	TSM	2	0	8	8	31	-23	6

Fixtures: Match 11

BBS Premier Corinthian League

Barton's Samba	Vs	Duncan's Disorderlies
Borussia Canwehaveourballbach	Vs	Brewery Droopers United
Dabizas Pleazas	Vs	Beardo United
MacBeth's Marauders	Vs	Athletico Backworth
Pilgrim's Converts	Vs	Woodstock County
Steph's Superstars	Vs	Toon Goons
Wallsend Old Boys	Vs	Proper Lard Unathletic
Yelli's Yobs	Vs	MinesaS&N Academicals

BBS Notionless League Division 1

Blaydon Racers	Vs	Howdon Harriers
Chevy's Choppers	Vs	Corinthian Smart-Casuals
Dudley Boys	Vs	Carlisle United Revisited
ITK Heaton World Beaters	Vs	Baxter Basics
Pete's Porkie Pies	Vs	The Gallowgate
Real Zaragossy	Vs	Screacher's Creatures
Spayne	Vs	Quantum Mechanicals
The Stellar Warriors	Vs	Jessie's High Pants

BBS Notionless League Division 2

Ceptic	Vs	Gallowgateaserai
Douglas All Boys (B) Team	Vs	FC Forget-Me-Nots
FC Jumpers for Goal Posts	Vs	Doomed United
Preston Big End	Vs	Bewildered De Builders
Sexy Boys	Vs	Toon Gutter Snipes
SS Enterprise	Vs	Superstitious FC
The Entertainers	Vs	Shilbottle WMC
Unaccountable Wild-elf Bottles	Vs	Real Seghill

-- Anonymous, July 08, 2000

Answers

Nice match to pick Softie. :o))

-- Anonymous, July 08, 2000

Well, I knew it was going to be tough and I thought we did pretty well against a side in form. To be fair, we did better than I might have expected. Only three players turned up this time so I can look on the bright side of life. I always do that. I like to whistle too. If only I could get all 11 players to turn up for a few matches. I think that would make some difference. Or am I just living in Fantasy land?

So its the cup next? I know its a lottery but sadly I didn't win the lottery tonight. I had the right numbers but I forgot to buy a ticket. I think I will appeal. I've got video evidence - I taled the show and my numbers were on the bottom of the screen. Perhaps if I win I can buy some decent players. Then we'll be OK. Of only I could remember the rules. If only I could remember. If only.

-- Anonymous, July 08, 2000

Softie. I've just read that I have got Shearer in my squad! Well we won today and he didn't play! My certain relegation, must indeed be down to p!$$ poor management!

-- Anonymous, July 08, 2000

This is more like it! More cervezas for my sexy lads! :-D

-- Anonymous, July 08, 2000

Hohoho ;)) sorry Josh :))

Looks like my season is starting to turn around after those first flukey results and amazing high scoring draws...My mirroring of NUFC last season is amazing...disgracefully mid table but being the second highest scorer in the league....(KK is using Pheromones!!)

-- Anonymous, July 09, 2000

Ironic, with all those Keegan players, we produce a KD-esque 0-0 bore draw.

-- Anonymous, July 09, 2000

Hey Dan.....I thought that was a well earned point on our behalf.... just goes to show haw two managers can see the same game in different ways!

-- Anonymous, July 09, 2000

I like that - my joker plays and we still get beaten!

-- Anonymous, July 09, 2000

Cornetto 'licked' shock

Real Zaragossy coach Juan Cornetto admitted last night that he has run out of ideas and is is "finally licked".

"I mean", he continued, brokenly, "we treat the league president to lavish entertainments days before we're due to play his club's biggest rivals, and what happens? We lose, and lose again. I don't know what to try next I tell you".

Rumours that Cornetto's nubile daughter has been summoned back from France are said to be "entirely unconnected" with the installation of video surveillance equipment at 'Walls', the Cornetto residence, in time for El Presidente's next visit.

Meanwhile, experts are linking Belgian former real star Phillippe Nheck with the forthcoming vacancy.

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

Dear fixture secretary,

We seem to have had several away games on the trot. Please don't forget to let us have some home games every now and then.

Yours grumpily,

Geordie
(Manager, Blaydon Racers)

PS Why not show a proper league table with home/away w,d,l,f,a ??

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

In a rare press interview, Droopers manager, Windbag, gave a rousing but ultimately unconvincing account of this season's prospects. 'I'd prefer to be second at this stage' slurred Windsock. 'We've played all the challengers away from home already. Although we've lost those games, we're relishing the prospect of meeting them at Trophyless Park. We have had some difficulty performing whilst playing away this season, but no such compliants could be made about our home form. Make no mistake, we'll crucify the Converts, belittle the Superstars and send the Yobs scurrying back to their mothers. Our days of the nearly men are drawing to a close, when we will take our rightful place, proud and defiant, as the true champions... What do you mean I'm full of shit..oy..come back here when I'm talking to you'

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

In a typically dour post-match conference, the manager of Dommed United said that the recent run of relatively good results were no reason for the supporters to go out and celebrate and imagine that the team had turned the corner. "We'll be fighting relegation on the last day of the season", she said, "and our supporters should get used to the very real possibility that the club will be playing in the Utterly Crap Conference next season".

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

Real Zaragossy fans call for changes

After yet another defeat, the remaining two fans of Real Zaragossy were heard chanting the name of the person they hold responsible. Clearly they lay the blame firmly at the door of coach Signor Netto indicating he may be losing his grip. When asked who was to blame, the echoed:

"Just W@nker Netto"

The next game against Screature's Creatures could be his last stand.

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

Geordie,

"We seem to have had several away games on the trot. Please don't forget to let us have some home games every now and then."
You have a home fixture tonight....against me....:-)

"PS Why not show a proper league table with home/away w,d,l,f,a ??"

'proper', eh? I don't think you're going to like tonight's results very much...

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000