Shock, horror! League Chairman, Soft Southerner has called off tonight's round of matches in order to pay Juan Cornetto of Real Zaragossy a visit. Relations have been cool since Real Zaragossy's unexpected win over the Howdon Harriers. Remarks were overheard to the effect that since this victory was neither cleared by the Chairman nor paid for at the time, Dr Bill would be advised to take a break from football management....the choice of leg was entirely his own.

As a result, Dr Bill and Softie are expected to be having a business supper with a group of lap dancers as they discuss the return fixture with a Mr Ladbrooke.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Answers

I think I might take the opportunity given by this break to have a few beers with Pilgrim and see if I can nick a copy of his spreadsheet. Mind you, I bet the owd bugger will be gutted. It's 18:50 right now and I can just imagine him sitting down at the 'puter working out all the permutations (yes, again) trying to work out how many points he'll have and how many goals he's scored.

THanks for the warning Softie. At least some good might come of it. We might just get Pilgrim oot fer a night. Some chance, eh?

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Take no notice of the daft old coot! He's just sick 'cos I've won a few more games than him. Anyway it's 8 pm and he's picking me up at 8:30 for a pint. I think he's going to try to get me drunk, hoping I'll tell him my team. No problems - it'll only make him sick! As for the spreadsheet, it's really complicated. It adds up all the player scores game by game and tells me who's scored the most points. Science fiction stuff!

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Can I borrow it? I just throw darts to allocate the score at the moment and throw dice for the goals...

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

Softie, Pilgrim had far to much to drink last night and confessed to some things he's rather we didn't know. I think he's bugged your PC. Did you get any e-mails with the title I hate you? He said he sent one last season when you got his points wrong.

When is the next game being played? I hope there are no more extenuating circumstances - my highly trained Creatures are champing at the bit and raring to be let loose but I've told them they'll have to play football instead.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

I'll let them have a double header (ooer!) tonight if you like...and also the draw for the first round of the Stottie Cup.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

Softie, we don't need the double headers. We'd miss the pre-match build up 'n' all that!

These breaks for internationals are something we have to live with.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

Interesting night with the Creature's Manager. He took me on a pub crawl - well drive -round some of his old haunts in Cheshire. First pub had to be abandoned 'cos it smelled so badly (I thought rancid fat, Screacher, who ought to know, though vomit). Screach did point out Pete Waterman's Jeep in the car park on the way out, though I doubt if he was responsible for the nasty niff. Second pub abandoned 'cos a few locals were pissed out of their brains and insisted on singing "Leaving on a Jetplane" every few minutes at the top of their voices. I wouldn't have minded if Screach didn't keep joining in! The third pub was ok 'til these two blokes sat at the table in front of us, one in an expensive suit, the other in a rugby shirt. The bloke in the suit was obviously a salesman and the other chap the client. The salesman had obviously been taught to speak in a loud, confident voice, which meant that any further hope of conversation with Screach was abandoned. He did hovwever manage to suggest that if the Converts were to throw a few matches, a large amount of money would be deposited in my bank account. Of course I was outraged, being a man of high moral principles and British to boot! This I'm afraaid didn't discourage the sad man who then resorted to various blackmail threats, one of which I see he has made a paltry attempt to carry out! Bugged your PC indeed - as if it hasn't got enough bugs in it with that damned random number generator - no doubt an offspring of that B@stard Ernie! As for the emails - no comment as I don't want to incriminate myself. Put it down to a childish prank.

I'll say this for Screach, he's not shy at putting his hand in his pocket, particularly when he's trying to pry the mysterious secrets of Microsoft Excel from my complex mind. It's just a shame that all the pubs he knows only sell cats piss, so sadly his mission failed. Still I had a good night overall and Screacher can be entertaining company, when he finally stops whining, pleading, crying and sulking

Oh yes' I almost forgot. In a moment of weakness (after his first pint) he did confess that he was the inspiration to Thomas Harris for Hannibal Lecter

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

Dandara homes are pleased to announce that work on the 75 seater stadium 'The Gooseneck' has now been completed. Turf has been laid in time for Doulas All Boys next home fixture, expected some time in September.

The management team of Douglas All Boys would like to thank MacDonalds Drive Thru Restruants for permitting us the use of their carpark during the opening stages of this season.

-- Anonymous, July 08, 2000

Nice try Pilgrim. But you don't get away with it that lightly. Shall I tell them about your reaction when you found out where Pete Waterman lives? No. OK, we'll let that rest for a while. BTW - I'm sorry to have dragged you out when you were obviously not feeling very well. How selfish of me. I hope the landlord manages to clear the mess off the back of that seat in the first pub we went to.

I agree about the second. I was very impressed with your self control. Beats abuse any day and that guy wouldn't have taken to abuse very lightly.

The third is best forgotten. But not PW eh? Nice to see your guitar collection ("Wanna come up and see my Fender?" he said). I wasn't too impressed tho by your redition of I should be so lucky. Maybe you should try a Rick Astley number instead. Or was that you in a previous life?

Next time, eh? North Seaton WMC?

-- Anonymous, July 08, 2000