Match Number 5

1 October 1995, Everton away, we won 3-1 (again). In the 11th minute Big Les took control of the ball in the centre of the park and turned his marker inside out before cutting right and walloping a low shot in at the far post, leaving Neville Southall stranded. It was Les's 100th goal in League Football which is what happens when you're a late starter. In the second half Ginola was brought down for a pen (not a dive, either) and Rob Lee tucked it away. The third was a bit special as Gillespie took control and jinked his way through into the edge of the 18 yard box, his run forcing Everton to double up on him, which left Barton with space to run into. Dizzie rolled the ball out to him and Center Parting whipped it in on the volley, a low, dipping cross that beat first defender and met the head of Paul Kitson who had only just come on for Ginola. 3-0. Limpar pulled one back from an offside position at the second attempt.

Points Hislop 4 Barton 2 Peacock 2 Howey 2 Beresford 2 Gillespie 2 Watson 1 (sub) Lee 5 (goal) Clark 2 Sellars 5 (Joker!) Ferdinand 4 (goal) Ginola 2 Kitson 3 (sub and goal)

Results: Match 5

BBS Premier Corinthian League

Athletico Backworth	3-1	Toon Goons
Barton's Samba	1-0	Wallsend Old Boys
Beardo United	2-2	Woodstock County
Borussia Canwehaveourballbach	3-5	Yelli's Yobs
Brewery Droopers United	3-1	MinesaS&N Academicals
Dabizas Pleazas	0-3	Pilgrim's Converts
Duncan's Disorderlies	1-0	Proper Lard Unathletic
MacBeth's Marauders	1-2	Steph's Superstars

Barton's Samba break their duck!!!

BBS Notionless League Division 1

Baxter Basics	1-4	Screacher's Creatures
Blaydon Racers	1-3	Spayne
Carlisle United Revisited	4-1	The Gallowgate
Chevy's Choppers	1-2	The Stellar Warriors
Corinthian Smart-Casuals	0-1	Jessie's High Pants
Dudley Boys	0-0	Pete's Porkie Pies
Howdon Harriers	3-2	Quantum Mechanicals
ITK Heaton World Beaters	1-0	Real Zaragossy

BBS Notionless League Division 2

Bewildered De Builders	4-4	Superstitious FC
Ceptic	0-5	The Entertainers
Doomed United	2-0	Toon Gutter Snipes
Douglas All Boys (B) Team	3-0	Unaccountable Wild-elf Bottles
FC Forget-Me-Nots	1-0	Real Seghill
FC Jumpers for Goal Posts	5-0	Sexy Boys
Gallowgateaserai	0-0	Shilbottle WMC
Preston Big End	3-1	SS Enterprise

BBS Premier Corinthian League Table

Position	Team	Won	Dwn	Lst	G/F	G/A	G/Dif	Points
1	Pilgrim's Converts	5	0	0	21	2	19	15
2	Yelli's Yobs	4	1	0	17	9	8	13
3	Steph's Superstars	4	1	0	13	5	8	13
4	Brewery Droopers United	4	0	1	12	5	7	12
5	MinesaS&N Academicals	3	1	1	14	6	8	10
6	Beardo United	2	2	1	13	11	2	8
7	Athletico Backworth	2	2	1	12	10	2	8
8	Borussia Canwehaveourballbach	2	1	2	17	12	5	7
9	Woodstock County	2	1	2	10	8	2	7
10	Proper Lard Unathletic	2	0	3	4	7	-3	6
11	Toon Goons	1	1	3	10	14	-4	4
12	Duncan's Disorderlies	1	0	4	3	11	-8	3
13	Barton's Samba	1	0	4	1	13	-12	3
14	Dabizas Pleazas	1	0	4	4	17	-13	3
15	MacBeth's Marauders	0	1	4	3	13	-10	1
16	Wallsend Old Boys	0	1	4	3	14	-11	1

BBS Notionless League Division 1 Table

Position	Team	Won	Dwn	Lst	G/F	G/A	G/Dif	Points
1	Howdon Harriers	4	1	0	21	7	14	13
2	The Stellar Warriors	3	2	0	16	9	7	11
3	Spayne	3	1	1	12	8	4	10
4	Quantum Mechanicals	3	1	1	10	6	4	10
5	Carlisle United Revisited	2	3	0	13	7	6	9
6	Screacher's Creatures	2	2	1	12	9	3	8
7	Jessie's High Pants	2	1	2	5	10	-5	7
8	Blaydon Racers	2	0	3	9	8	1	6
9	Dudley Boys	1	3	1	7	7	0	6
10	ITK Heaton World Beaters	2	0	3	6	8	-2	6
11	The Gallowgate	1	2	2	8	13	-5	5
12	Pete's Porkie Pies	1	1	3	2	6	-4	4
13	Real Zaragossy	1	1	3	5	11	-6	4
14	Corinthian Smart-Casuals	1	1	3	3	11	-8	4
15	Chevy's Choppers	0	3	2	8	10	-2	3
16	Baxter Basics	1	0	4	5	12	-7	3

BBS Notionless League Division 2 Table

Position	Team	Won	Dwn	Lst	G/F	G/A	G/Dif	Points
1	Preston Big End	4	1	0	14	4	10	13
2	The Entertainers	4	0	1	24	7	17	12
3	FC Jumpers for Goal Posts	3	2	0	16	4	12	11
4	Douglas All Boys (B) Team	3	1	1	16	13	3	10
5	FC Forget-Me-Nots	3	1	1	9	9	0	10
6	Bewildered De Builders	2	3	0	16	11	5	9
7	Shilbottle WMC	2	2	1	9	7	2	8
8	Ceptic	2	0	3	8	12	-4	6
9	SS Enterprise	1	2	2	7	7	0	5
10	Real Seghill	1	2	2	6	9	-3	5
11	Superstitious FC	1	2	2	13	21	-8	5
12	Doomed United	1	1	3	6	10	-4	4
13	Gallowgateaserai	1	1	3	3	7	-4	4
14	Unaccountable Wild-elf Bottles	1	1	3	4	13	-9	4
15	Sexy Boys	1	0	4	3	15	-12	3
16	Toon Gutter Snipes	0	1	4	4	9	-5	1

Fixtures: Match 6

BBS Premier Corinthian League

Wallsend Old Boys	Vs	Athletico Backworth
Woodstock County	Vs	Barton's Samba
Yelli's Yobs	Vs	Beardo United
MinesaS&N Academicals	Vs	Borussia Canwehaveourballbach
Pilgrim's Converts	Vs	Brewery Droopers United
Proper Lard Unathletic	Vs	Dabizas Pleazas
Steph's Superstars	Vs	Duncan's Disorderlies
Toon Goons	Vs	MacBeth's Marauders

BBS Notionless League Division 1

Spayne	Vs	Baxter Basics
The Gallowgate	Vs	Blaydon Racers
The Stellar Warriors	Vs	Carlisle United Revisited
Jessie's High Pants	Vs	Chevy's Choppers
Pete's Porkie Pies	Vs	Corinthian Smart-Casuals
Quantum Mechanicals	Vs	Dudley Boys
Real Zaragossy	Vs	Howdon Harriers
Screacher's Creatures	Vs	ITK Heaton World Beaters

BBS Notionless League Division 2

The Entertainers	Vs	Bewildered De Builders
Toon Gutter Snipes	Vs	Ceptic
Unaccountable Wild-elf Bottles	Vs	Doomed United
Real Seghill	Vs	Douglas All Boys (B) Team
Sexy Boys	Vs	FC Forget-Me-Nots
Shilbottle WMC	Vs	FC Jumpers for Goal Posts
SS Enterprise	Vs	Gallowgateaserai
Superstitious FC	Vs	Preston Big End

-- Anonymous, July 01, 2000

Answers

Its just not fair, here am I out on the hunt for my new sponser after Fosters refused to come and run in a charity mile for the club and blow me I have missed 3 games.

I do not know if all my team even made it to the ground. Robby Bobson attends all his games and so do most of the other managers. Everytime I log on I discover I have missed another game.

Does the league produce a date for their fixture list? I won't know who to sell next season at this rate!!

-- Anonymous, July 01, 2000

Blimey Softie - we`re whizzing through this season! Nice to see TSW are back on target!!!! The `other` Southern team aren`t doing so bad either!!!!(:o)

-- Anonymous, July 01, 2000

Softie,

How many players difference between mine and your squads? I suspect they're pretty close.

Doctors orders: Do NOT spend your birthday doing another match. Have a rest, drink etc. and let's enjoy being TOTL a bit longer. :o))

-- Anonymous, July 01, 2000

Thank God for a win! One win in five for the cup holders! Manager due in with the chairman for crunch talks. Chairman in with legal team first to check contract. Manager to discuss strategy with TSM to check on payoff. We need a big signing - can we add Mpenza to our squad?

-- Anonymous, July 01, 2000

It's all getting sadly predictable.

-- Anonymous, July 01, 2000

My first clean sheet since the first game of the season, and justification for selecting Kitson - all in one day! Is it me birthday?

-- Anonymous, July 01, 2000

Well, another champion result from my lot at Langley Park. Can't remember what we're called but it was a good hard game fought out against Juano's Real Seghill. I expected a bit more cultured football from them but it was all just hoof it up and run. Probably because they train on the pit heap. Still, they were much better than Young Kev Herrod's lot who I see managed a drawer this time.

Next we are up against Sexy Boys so more slag there. I don't know much about them but with a name like that I wonder if my name will be on the songsheet. I know these things don't always go to form but we're expecting big things in this game to give me a push towards the dark blue.

You know our striker problem is becomming a bit apparent. Despite having one of the most expansive centre forwards we have only scored 9 goals, while letting in 9 as well. I'm going to have to make do with the squad I've got as I have no money to buy. I even transferred one of my players this week but I don't think that the news has reached HQ at Byron Avenue. We'll just have to keep plunging away.

It's a long journey and we've only just started and down at Langley Park we're preparing for some tough bottles. As far as I'm concerned it's useless publishing a list of fixtures in advance. We just take it a game at a time mainly because I don't know what day tomorrow is and would become totally confused if we knew what we were supposed to be doing. There I go again rambling. Not that there's anything wrong with rambling but there's a time and a place and it's best up on the moors where the footpaths are nicely marked out for you.

I think I need a rest.

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2000

Dunx, somebody has been interfering with my handle. This will not do. I trust you can sort out the imposter before it gets out of hand.

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2000

Sorry Robby. I can promise it won't happen again. Put it down to them cocktails last night. Left me a bit mischievous. Hope I didn't upset you - I'd hate to be responsible for giving you a nasty turn. That would be a Masterstroke.

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2000

Mr Cock-up paid you a visit Screach?

Time we had a pint and a chin wag!

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2000