Hi..I've posted a few times on the forum. I need some advice--or rather, I need to hear from some people whose values I respect. I live in (semi) Upstate New York and I commute to Manhattan to work. I hate commuting, so I've been looking for work near where I live. I took the job originally so I could have some clips to send out to magazines when I do freelance writing (my boyfriend and I want to move up to the North Country eventually). Well, they offered me a big promotion with a huge raise. I mean, I never EVER thought I'd make that kind of money. But I turned it down. I don't want to live in the city and money can't bring me the kind of joy that feeling the breeze on my face or the grass under my toes can. So money, I guess, isn't all that important. But everybody who hears I turned this job down tells me I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. I don't feel like I have, but you know about the doubters--it's hard not to let them get to you....so? Please tell me what you think.

-- Betsy (sassyweitzel@yahoo.com), June 26, 2000

Answers

Betsy -- Good for you!!! Did you doubt yourself when you made the decision? It doesn't sound like it. If the doubts started arising after OTHERS started giving opinions based on their priorities, you have certainly not made a mistake. Your values and priorities are all that matter to your personal happiness.

Recently, my husband was offered a MAJOR job with a MAJOR corporation. It wasn't in line with what we wanted (going into business for ourselves) and he turned it down. End of story, right? Wrong. Parents, friends, acquaintances, ever virtual strangers had an opinion on what an idiot he was for turning down what they saw as a "fabulous opportunity". Maybe it was -- to them. But taking that job wouldn't have propelled us any closer to our goals. As a matter of fact, with the added business travel required, and the added time investment and responsibility, our children and I would have seen even less of him.

Your decisions are yours to make. When people tell you you've made a mistake, simply tell them, "It doesn't line up with what we want out of life. It wouldn't have made me happy." If that doesn't shut them up, nothing will. Ignore them.

I, for one, admire you greatly for sticking to your objective. Not many do when the great god named "money" is waved under their noses. Good for you!!!

-- Tracy (trimmer@westzone.com), June 26, 2000.

Betsy;

You answered it best yourself. " I don't want to live in the city and money can't bring me the kind of joy that feeling the breeze on my face or the grass under my toes can. So money, I guess, isn't all that important."

I also commute to work (62 miles one way) and do a lot of travelling with my job. We are living as frugually as we know how to and will soon be able to walk away from my "city" job and focus on the life that we feel is important to our family. Money can buy nice things but it can not buy the freedom you have when you are on your own place away from the sidewalks. As a matter of fact it can shackle you to a life of drudgery in a job you don't really like and a life in a city where you can feel trapped and never completely fullfilled.

Just my 2 cents worth.

Jim T

-- Jim Tanner (tanner_jim@hotmail.com), June 26, 2000.

Everything in life is a compromise. Isn't there a middle ground to where you could live in the suburbs, within a reasonable computing distance, and still have room for a garden and maybe some small livestock, such as chickens? Live simply and stash the extra money away until you can afford to tell your boss to take the job and put it you know where. That's how I got my cattle farm. Dreaded going to work each day since I hated it, even if it took maybe 10% of my capabilities, but I just considered myself to be prostituting for a better cause.

-- Ken Scharabok (scharabo@aol.com), June 26, 2000.

I've worked in Manhatten before for a computer service company many many moons ago, and even at just 3 days a week I hated it!! And the commute from NJ was horrible! So what if they were going to pay you big money? It costs big $$ to live and work in NYC. I don't blame you one bit, and applaud your decision. They're saying you've made the mistake based on THEIR values - not yours. Just remember that.

-- Eric in TN (ems@nac.net), June 26, 2000.

Good for you.

-- Cindy (atilrthehony_1@yahoo.com), June 26, 2000.

"City people" dont understand what you have. To them you are going to the city, toward opportunity and away from all that manure. Of course, you and I know that you have already taken advantage of the best opportunity by staying out of the manure they call a city.

-- William in WI (thetoebes@webtv.net), June 26, 2000.

Betsy: About 5 years ago, I turned down a position as supervisor in a medical office. Neither the office manager nor the supervisor who was leaving and recommending me for the position could believe I wouldn't want the job--more money, yes, but lots of extra hours, meetings, stress, etc. Not worth it to me. My family time was already limited, and I eventually left and took a lesser paying job, closer to home, for the next couple years, then finally made the leap to stay home full time. We still seem to have just as much as we did, by living carefully, and I for one, am much happier! You did what your inner self told you, so don't pay attention to those who disagree. Be happy, and true to your values! Good luck, Jan

-- Jan in Colorado (Janice12@aol.com), June 26, 2000.

You did the right thing. You weighed it on your own scale and it wasn't worth the price...Good job!

-- Doreen (livinginskin@yahoo.com), June 26, 2000.

I think that you did the right thing. Forget the after thoughts about money and think of what it might have been like doing something that you really don't want to do! As others have pointed out, I think that you answered yourself, "...money can't bring me the kind of joy ect..." Good for you!!

-- Abigail F. (treeoflife@sws.nb.ca), June 26, 2000.

I left a corporate reality and took lots of family/friends well meaning jibes. I then was able to care for a dying parent and make time for my many nieces as they needed. I get time off as I want and get to enjoy time with friends, like today for 6 hours, that earned me no cash, but lots of good feelings with my partner, sister, and friend. Value your time by your standards, not others. You done good!

-- Anne (HT@HM.com), June 26, 2000.

Ditto all the others. I've done a similar thing often and find that God provides if we respect our own heart. Good for you!

-- john leake (natlivent@pcpros.net), June 26, 2000.

I also left my high paying position as a ed. coordinator for a psychiatric hospital after a yr becasue i could not handle the metro DC area, too populated and regulated. Money may not be all there is. after I turned down that job, I took a 10,000 a yr pay cut and had to pioneer it a bit as we did not want to get into debt to build up our 35 acres, lived without elec, and i loved it. I was just a country gal from western NYS where economics were bad at the time.I know.. I'm warped in head. Money was just not worth it. bernice

-- Bernice (geminigoats@yahoo.com), June 26, 2000.

Thank you all so much; your kind words really go a long way. Everything you say is true and then some. Ken, that's the situation I already have...I commute from the outer limits of what might be construed as suburbs...it's a heck of a long commute, actually...and I'm not happy with that..my days are 12-14 hours long!! Which means I have to do all laundry, cooking, cleaning, ironing, marketing on the weekend, with little time to pursue my new hobbies of quilting, canning and gardening. I'd just be happier to work closer to home....again, thank you all so much and God bless you.

-- Betsy (sassyweitzel@yahoo.com), June 27, 2000.

I do agree with the other responses!! My husband a couple of years ago took a weekend job, in addition to his regular job during the week, thinking that we really needed the extra money. Now he feels stuck. He has no free time, and we aren't any better off financially than before -- it's going to take something pretty drastic to shake him enough to get him to move on. So I would say, stick with the real things! And make sure you've got enough time to enjoy them!!

-- Kathleen Sanderson (stonycft@worldpath.net), June 27, 2000.

Betsy - save every penny you can and get away from there as fast as you can. Consider moving to Utica, Syracuse, Rochester or Buffalo. You could have a ten minute commute and more disposable income. I moved from Long Island to Utica - we took a 60% cut in pay (from 2 to 1 income) and a 1000% increase in standard-of-living and lifestyle. I had a 7 minute commute (door to desk). I worked with a friend who lived in Boonville (Adirondacks) and only had a 45 min commute. Don't wait for 'eventually' - go now!

-- Deborah (ActuaryMom@hotmail.com), June 27, 2000.

You did the right thing. If you had gone against your heart and taken the job, you would have sold yourself. And remember, as suddenly as they can hand it to you, they can take it away. As I have said on other threads, life is too short to cut it to fit other people's ideas of how you ought to live it. You know who you are better than they do.

-- snoozy (allen@oz.net), June 27, 2000.

Many years ago I worked at a law firm - lucrative job, my own secretary, prime parking space, panty hose, business suits, and brief case every day...and I cried every morning from the time I got up until I got to work. It just wasn't worth it.

A few months ago, my husband and I felt convicted by God that it was time to move back home to help his widowed mother and my aging parents. We left well paying jobs and a lifestyle that was truly "easy living" in Florida to come back to rural Ohio. Everyone we knew thought we were crazy. But we have seen more of our family in the last six months as we had in the previous 16 years.

You have to decide what is important to you and why. Get very clear on that. Write it down if you have to. This move back home has been the hardest thing we've ever done. If we lost track of our reasons, I'm sure we would have given up already and I'd be somewhere else, crying every day on my way to work, longing to be with the relatives I love. As it is, things are not easy. The change in finances has been tough, as has the realization of just how powerless we are to make things work out the way we want them to. But the rewards have also been great, and they are the kind of things that nourish me on that deep, soul level. With a steady stream of benefits on that level, I find I really don't need all the money and conveniences that I used to require to try to make myself happy. I can stop working to fill that hole within me. To paraphrase, my cup already floweth over, filled with things that I couldn't buy but which are priceless.

-- Lori Price (klnprice@yahoo.com), June 27, 2000.

OK, the weird old guy checks in with a different perspective! Having faced a similar, but far from identical situation, I opted for the ugly job place, with the knowledge that it was for a finite time. Maggie and the kids stayed put, and I commuted 4 hours each way every Monday and Friday for 2 years. Bummer? Yes! Did I like it? No! Was it a good financial decision? Yes! Sometimes we must accept delayed gratification! A problem the youth of today cannot comprehend. A little, or even a lot, of sacrifice today for future wonderification (I made that word up!) is worth a little "pissedoffedness" today! In any case, GL!

-- Brad (Homefixer@SacoRiver.net), June 28, 2000.

Good for you! You know what you want, and if it doesn't match up with the nermal idea of success, then that's just too bad for them. If a job makes you miserable, then no amount of money is going to make up for that. My husband and I recently made a similar decision. Of course, a lot of our city friends are downright confused about many of our life choices, (we don't eat fast food, watch TV, party every weekend, keep a schedule that needs a 48 hour day to fit everything in, etc) but that's what makes us happy, so that's what we do. ;-)

-- Connie (Connie@lunehaven.com), July 02, 2000.