Does the woman do the cooking, while the man does the ... well, whatever the hell men do? Or do you divide things up along the lines of who likes to do what? (In my case, I think the answer is "both.") If you're single, do you envision a traditional future for yourself? If you're gay or lesbian or living with a roommate, how do you divide up responsibilities?

Do you eat regular meals at the table, with utensils and everything? Do you eat in front of the TV? Do you eat at restaurants? Do you eat over the sink?

I've done all of the above, and I have a feeling that our current set up won't last forever. But it's nice for now.

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2000

Answers

We have an even division of chores, but it's not set in stone - either of us will do whatever is necessary when it arises. Neither of us likes to do anything, and if we went by the traditional woman keep house and man earn money lines we'd be screwed because I can't cook and are very messy, and I earn more anyway so it would just be dumb.

And we seldom eat at the flat, but when we do, we try and inject some civility into the proceedings by setting the table and eating there. But we eat out way too much (see that money thread!)

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2000

I do all of the cooking in our house. Ok, Zac will heat up a can of soup now and again, but for the most part I cook. This is by choice because I'm a really good cook and I love it, and, well, Zac could burn water and he hates cooking. I knew when we started living together it would be like this, and I really don't mind. He does the dishes and cleans out the cat litter, two jobs I can't stand, and we split everything else fairly evenly.

If I'm alone I eat in front of the tv, or while reading, but if we're all eating together we sit at the table and use utensils. It's all part of modelling good table manners for the child so that she doesn't embarrass us in public : )

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2000

I live in the most traditional household in the world, and I'm so ashamed of that. Because my boyfriend works outside the home, and I was in graduate school, we divided up the chores based on the fact that I have so much more free time. So I do all of the shopping, cooking and cleaning, and he does the mowing/snowblowing, garbage and litter box cleaning. Frankly, I would do eight million chores to avoid litter box cleaning.

But sometimes I feel just like a fifties housewife, complete with calling him at work to tell him what I'm making for dinner. I've been slacking off a bit lately due to summertime, though. And now that I'm done with school and doing actual work from home, I think things will have to change. Although I will probably still cook, although my boyfriend can make things if I tell him what to make. Left to his own devices, he would eat instant oatmeal for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2000

Well i tend to do all the cooking except the odd occasion where George will put me into a state of shock by cooking. He's very good at it, he's just lazy. On the other hand, i actually really enjoy cooking so i don't mind doing the bulk of it.

Other than that, we're pretty divided. Whoever has the chance will wash the dishes (though admittedly i will sometimes leave them just a bit to see if he'll do them first because i loathe that chore so very much). I clean the litter box because it makes him queasy. Because of that i usually vacuum (vacuum? vaccum? vaccuum? vaccccccuuuum?!) too because i have to do it after cleaning the litter. However, he will do it too. We're both totally irresponsible in regards to dusting. He usually makes the bed because i take longer in the shower so he gets to it first. The rest of the cleaning is done in a fairly "first-come-first-clean" way. It also depends on who gets fed up of something first.

We do eat at the table fairly regularly which i enjoy because i was brought up in a house where we generally all sat down to eat together. I found it strange not to once i started working part time and had to eat earlier than the rest of my family. Plus our table is really nice so George and i tend to eat there quite a bit. However, if we rent a movie, then we'll usually eat in the living room so that we can get the film started at a reasonable time.

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2000

Sometimes it is traditonal, sometimes it is just plain NOT. It depends on the day and the moods of the occupants.

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2000

Well, no. I cook most dinners, but three nights a week I'm out the door before people start eating. I wash the dishes, and my wife does the laundry every month or so. Those who eat dinner usually split fairly evently between the table, the computer, and the TV. We hardly ever eat out, and we almost always use plates.

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2000

when i lived at home with my parents, cooking was done either by my mother or myself (oldest of 3 kids), depending on who got home first. occasionally we could count on my brother to cook. most often, it was me, usually because I and the rest of the fam have tastebuds and my mom (bless her heart) doesn't.

now i live with two friends, and again, i do cook most nights. again, it is a matter of being the first one home, and the only one with an understanding of tasty food (you would cringe openly as do i if you saw some of my roomie's concoctions). the next roomie home usually does up a salad and sets the table, my third roomie grew up with no concept of family dinners or childhood chores, so she loves the whole "sitting down to dinner and how was your day dear" schtick. plus she's still enamored of doing dishes, which rocks my world. sometimes, if it's just one or two of us, or a late late work day, we'll eat whatever we find, sitting in front of the tv. but for the most part, we're pretty close to claire huxtable donna reed and june cleaver (without the kids...)

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2000

My husband and I are very traditional, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I cook, I clean, I shop, I run all the errands, I do all the laundry. He manages everything financial, moves things, touches up my car when some moron opens their door a little too hard (among other things, obviously). Frankly, I'd be scared to have it any other way. He doesn't clean to my standards. He doesn't fold the laundry like I like it. He's colour blind so matching socks -- just forget it ("is this brown? or grey?") I send him to the store, and he comes back with the right "thing" but the wrong brand, style, potency. I love him to death and he is fantastic in all ways, but I wouldn't change our roles for the world. I like the fact that he'd be helpless in some aspects, if it wasn't for me. I like the fact that our linen closet is perfectly organized, and he has to rely on me to know which ones are the "guest towels." Or that he never has to worry about running out of ANYTHING, because I restock everything at the right times, ALWAYS. Plus, I'd rather do all my responsibilities plus more than pay the bills, or manage any bookkeeping.

I must add that he does do some obscure things that I absolutely just cannot stand. He unloads the dishwasher. He puts the new roll on the toilet paper dispenser. It's my job to make sure there's always an abundant supply under the sink, and it's my job to take the new roll out and set it out in the open, but it's HIS job to actually put it on the dispenser.

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2000

oops. I meant that he does things for me that I absolutely cannot stand to do, not that he does things I cannot stand -- because, truthfully, he doesn't do one thing that I cannot stand.

and, about meals. we sit down to dinner every night -- at the table, with utensils and properly placed napkins. I ALWAYS prepare a fresh vegetable, and some sort of starch side to go with whatever I've made. I even shout out, "15 minutes to dinner!" so that he knows he has to start wrapping up whatever he's working on -- or at least get to a good stopping point. :o)

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2000

Maxine: It's fine to have your husband do all the financial stuff, but make sure you keep up on the status of accounts and know where everything is, because Stuff Happens.

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2000

It's traditional most of the time.. but for us, that's the way it works. Actually, a lot of things get done by either one of us, depending on who's available. There is no such thing as his money or my money. We all pitch in to do the inside chores, same as the mountain of chores outside, although I prefer it when the guys do most of the outside chores like looking after chickens and working in the garden. i hate weeds & bugs.
I cook almost all the time, but the kids have seen their father do it enough for it not to be unusual. For that matter, the kids have cooked meals. I also don't care who folds the laundry or how it gets folded, I just appreciate that it got done. My standards have lowered with kids helping.
Most of the time we eat at the dining roon table with all kinds of utensils (as long as the table setter hasn't forgotten - again) and sometimes even placemats and cloth napkins. Occasionally, even in front of the t.v.
I also have been known to pick up a tool when the man is not around.

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2000

Well, when I first moved in with Keith, we both had a really laissez- faire attitude about chores and dinner and bills. This attitude led to a filthy house, lots of takeout food, and lots of threats from utility companies.

Now we have a System. I do all the vacuuming, because he hates it. He does most of the laundry, because I hate it. The rest of the chores we divvy up on a sort of triage basis. ("OK, the house is messy, you take the bathroom, I'll take the living room.") He mows the lawn, but I maintain the garden. He takes out the garbage, I change the oil in the car. It works out.

Oh, and dinner. Each week we sit down on Sunday night and try to figure out approximately what we want to eat that week. Then we go to the store to buy what we need for that stuff. The rules are:

1. We alternate nights. Monday, I cook. Tuesday, him. Etc.
2. You can volunteer to cook two nights in a row if you want to, but that doesn't obligate the other person to cook two nights in a row to make up the difference.
3. You can opt to go out to eat instead of cooking. If you do this, the other person gets the option of deciding where to go. We don't have a set rule about how many times per week is OK to go out to eat instead of cook, but it generally happens twice at the most. Twice is rare.
4. Declaring "Leftover Night" is always OK.

We had to come up with rules or we'd never eat anything but Pizza Hut. Now we have home-cooked meals almost every night. It's a good thing.

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2000

Ha! I'm so way untraditional. My other single friends and I joke amongst each other about what we had last night for dinner. "Well, I had potatoe chips." "I had left over potato salad." "I warmed up frozen peas." "Cereal." My fav - I love to eat popsickles or ice cream (light, of course) for dinner.

Simply because I eat such crappy dinners in various locations (I might eat my popsicle in my car on the way to class), I don't usually bother to pull out a plate or silverware. 'Would you like a fork with your grape popsickle?' ????hhaaa???!! Who needs a bowl for ice cream - I live alone, I can eat it out of the container! Fewer dishes for.....

...my housekeeper. She comes every other Friday and does all the other things I hate to do. I am fanatical about cleaning because of how I was raised, so it takes me an eternity and is an absolutely miserable, obsessive compulsive experience for me. When I finally do elope (see wedding question also today on forum), in our prenup we are going to have a housekeeper clause. I'm 26, almost 27, and I don't see my views & habits changing any time soon.

I do, however, clean out the litter box. Kitty isn't inclined to do it himself and housekeeper doesn't. (and she only comes every other week - eeewwww!)

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2000

I wish I could claim a non-traditional household. We do have a couple of exceptions to the usual rules: I do most of the cooking -- weekends I usually stockpile enough meals to get my wife and son through the week on that and pre-prepared Trader Joe foods. My wife does the bills and watches the money.

Otherwise, it's shamefully traditional. I work, she takes care of our son. We do hire a lawn service and a housekeeping service, so that all of the household chores don't fall on my wife's shoulders. But with my work frequently requiring 80 hour weeks, I'm just not available to do much more than I do.

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2000

We're pretty much an even split, though we modify our habits depending on our commitments outside the house. My husband has a full- time job and a habit of singing in operas to boot; when he's got rehearsals every night, I do all the cooking, of course. Times like now, when I'm taking an immersion French class and working and writing my dissertation, he does all of it. When we're both equally uncommitted, we cook together. He won't bake, though, for love or money.

I tend to do major cleaning a little more often, we both do dishes, he sweeps and washes the floors more often. We both do laundry. He won't let me clean the cat box because of the risk of toxoplasmosis, though I don't mind doing it; in return, I end up doing the fun tasks that make the cats hate me like clipping their claws and cleaning their ears. I clean the bathroom, he mows the lawn (it used to be the other way around, actually, until we bought the cool new electric mower.) Every once in a while one of us will start feeling underappreciated which results in a, "hey, you have to clean the tub, ya jerk" at which point whoever is in trouble does their designated task and all is right with the world. We each have certain tasks that Must Be Done, as well; my husband can't go to sleep when the stove is dirty, and I can't go to sleep with dishes in the sink. Which has led to more than one Friday when we come home from a long evening of whatever, get in our pajamas, and I start washing dishes while he scrubs the stove. We're a barrel of fun.

We tend to eat at the counter, with utensils, together, unless we have people over for dinner, when we use the table. Lately, though we've been eating more meals separately, because our schedules are so incompatible. I like the way things have worked out, though, because we are so adaptable to changing circumstances. It's cool to be married.

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2000

We're a happy mix of trad and non-trad - my darlin' works from home, I work ridiculous hours in an office, but we have our routines. I cook most nights (or pay if we go out to eat), he cooks Monday nights because and sometimes Thursday nights because, well, Law and Order and ER are on then.

He does all the housework except we share washing up and I tend to do the laundry, and if we had a child, he'd be the primary caregiver.

We got to this point partly by negotiation ("Sweetie, I don't do housework, we get a cleaner or you do it") and aptitude ("I can't bear the fact that there's dust behind the piano!") and the fact that I enjoy cooking.

Have I mentioned that I have the perfect relationship???

cheesr

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2000

We have a ... random mix of chore division. We both cook. Sabs does the dishes and I dry them and put them away -- this may sound like a cop out but I get _horrible_ skin infections from dishwater so I only do small portions of the dishes when we're handwashing, even though I actually _love_ washing the dishes.

We vacuum whenever one or the other of us notices that the floor needs vacuuming. I dust every other week or so when the fancy strikes.

Neither one of us likes to do laundry, but that winds up fairly evenly divided along the lines of "hey we have nothing to wear -- I did all the laundry the last time we ran out of clothes. Your turn dear."

We both clean out the litter box.

I clean the tub and toilet.

No one puts clothes away. But then again, we don't really have anywhere to _put_ clothes into at the moment. We'll see what happens when we have dressers and bars in the closets again.

Meals -- usually at the table, with a partial set of utensils. Paper napkins rule though. Sometimes in front of the tv. Never over the sink. Eat out at restaurants either a) when we can afford it or b) when we're both so tired that cooking is the last thing we want to do c) pick up ready-made food at the grocery store -- it's cheaper than eating out and almost as good 'cos you still cook it/re-heat it yourself.

I can't even imagine how this will change when we have children.

All I know is that when we added cats to the mix, meals got a lot quicker and clean up off the table got a lot more regular.

There's nothing quite like seeing your cat making off with the last of your ribs to make you eat quick and clean up the leftovers.

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2000

Beth K is right! The dogs aren't the the food thieves you have to worry about, it is the cats! When I had dogs, all we did was say "sit" and the dog stayed there. Never once did I have a dog hop onto the table and ruin my dinner unless I let him/her.

There are very few things George actually likes to eat, but he's always ready to ruin my food my smelling and trying a lick of everything. (Usually right after he's cleaned himself!)

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2000

It's pretty even around here, though that's about to change -- K.'s taken a big new job with weird hours, and she won't be getting home till 10:00pm or later, so I'll be taking over the better part of the cooking chores for awhile, till we settle into this new routine. We're basically about to become night owls, or rather, SHE's about to become a night owl, and I'll just return to my natural state.

K.'s talking about getting a weekly maid. I'm not arguing. I'm home most of the day, being Mr. Freelance Guy, and I often don't have the time or inclination to turn on the vacuum or take a sponge to the bathroom. A maid -- sure -- I'll just go out to the cafe for an hour or two while she does her thing, or read downstairs in the living room. (The living room -- the room we use the least, therefore the cleanest room in the house. Familiar story?)

Up till now, our cats were never interested in our food. The big guy doesn't know that anything's food till it's in his bowl, but the new kitten seems to be game for anything, and tried to attack the plate of cheese I settled on my chest the other day as I was lying on the couch with a magazine. Any hints as to how to stop a kitten from developing a taste for steamed pork rolls, emmenthal cheese, penne putanesca and chili?

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

Our household is completely the opposite to the one in which I grew up, where my father did 99% of the cooking, 80% of the cleaning and 100% of the grocery shopping (before their divorce, I think my mother had been to the store once, when my Dad was away on business), as well as earning most of the money.

I do all the cooking, though my husband always offers to do it. Sometimes, when I don't feel like cooking, I let him cook for himself, but I'd rather not eat anything he's prepared. Mostly because when he cooks for himself, it's a pasta-and-sauce packet or beans on toast (i.e. nothing too tempting).

Part of me would love to go back to having my meals prepared for me all the time -- like when I lived at home -- but it'll never be that way in this household. I'm not complaining, though, because I usually love to cook.

I also do all the cleaning, also by choice. And now that he's got a hernia -- and been on a waiting list for an operation since February - - I also mow the lawn, take out the garbage and do all the gardening. I only really mind the lawn and gardening, but getting all that crap done makes me feel like I've really accomplished something with tangible results. That, and I do have a very easy job and work from home, so I have the leisure to be able to do all this stuff whenever I want, for the most part. My husband has a stressful job (I don't) and I actually like making his non-working hours as stress-free as possible. It'd be a different story if he was some chauvinist who wasn't willing to pitch in and do his share, but as it is the only thing that bugs me about him household-wise is that he never looks for stuff before asking me where it is.

Sometimes I feel like my enjoyment of domesticity means I'm not a good little feminist, but for the most part I don't care.

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

No, our household isn't "traditional". I couldn't stand it if it was.

If anyone cooks, he does. He kind of likes to. We go out to eat several times a week. Sometimes we eat separately and have things like cereal or frozen peas.

I'm the big slob and he's the one who'd like to have regular chores, and notices that things need to get done. Usually I just procrastinate till he does them and don't feel guilty because he cares more than I do.

Sometimes we eat at the table, but it's half covered with newspapers and other junk. Sometimes we eat in front of the TV. Lots of times we eat in restaurants.

I make more money than he does, too.

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2000

I guess our household is relatively non-traditional. I wouldn't be happy taking on a traditional 'housewife' role and I think it's better for children to see both parents doing a variety of chores and activities. However, as we don't have kids yet, this is irrelevant!

We both work, so we take turns in doing the cooking. Whoever is not doing the cooking lays the table, and then washes the dishes afterwards. We take turns in getting up first (as we leave at the same time) so whoever gets up first makes breakfast and makes the bed. Although all this sounds quite organised when I write it down, it is a very laidback household and we didn't really lay down any hard and fast rules - it just sort of happened. We quite often run out of stuff, but the shops are very close, so it's no problem to just go and get what we need for dinner or for the house. (Usually him!) We eat out quite a lot -- more often towards the end of the week when work gets too much!

We both do the garden (he mows, I cut the nightmare hedge). Probably the one area of 'traditional' labour division is that he takes out the rubbish, and I clean the toilet. (Not quite sure about the equality of that!) It all seems to work out well though.

It's me that tends to keep track of our bills, making sure that everything is paid each month and keeping statements etc. We go food shopping together, but he can always be relied upon to go out to the late night shop if I have a chocolate craving...

-- Anonymous, June 23, 2000

Traditional? Us? Uh, no.

We don't have time to be traditional. We both work full time jobs that require a 45-50 minute commute each way. Most of the time cleaing falls by the wayside and lately cooking has been optional too.

But there are some hard and fast rules in our house:

Dave can't cook. He can make pasta and mac&cheese. I've found he can't even be trusted to put something easy in the oven and watch it. So if cooking gets done at our house I do it. And it works out best if I don't even ask him what he feels like. He does not care what he eats, he does not care if I feed him the same thing eight nights in a row. If asked what he wants he will repeat the same few meals over and over again. If I just cook it and put it in front of him he's grateful and thankful. Sometimes I don't know what I want either and then we have the endless back and forth of "What do you want, What do YOU want?" and an hour or more can pass and then I say it's too late to cook and that i'm not eating.

I do all the cleaning in the kitchen and 95% of the shopping. He does garbage, recycleables (sp?), and lawn care. I take care of the dogs in the morning, he does it in the evening. We mostly take turns being the person to get home in time for the dogs to get outside.

Cleaning? It gets done when I decree it and he does what I tell him he has to do. Otherwise he'd only do it when people were coming over. He cleans a mean bathroom but he takes a long time to do it.

Laundry? For a while we were taking turns doing it all, but it got to the point that he'd take nearly a month to finish his turn and I'd be scouring the house for underwear. I've been doing just my own for a while and leaving him to find his own underwear. He wants to go back to taking turns and has gone out of his way twice to try and do my laundry for me, so we'll see what happens. Neither of us likes to do laundry and I would prefer to take turns, but I'm only going back to it when he stops slacking on his turn.

So I wouldn't call our arrangment traditional. I probably do more than him but I insist that he hold up his end of the work. I work just as much as him and he has to do his share. If his share doesn't get done I don't do it. I don't touch garbage if he lets it pile up. I get too resentful otherwise.

-- Anonymous, June 23, 2000