It's not just Cal. It used to be that Eric's car wanted me dead. It's calmed down a bit, after his dad fixed the CARBON MONOXIDE LEAK that was happening on my side of the car.

And I think the footboard on my bed hates my legs.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

Answers

Response to who wants you dead?

Does yo cat drink all yo milk?!

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

Response to who wants you dead?

Oh. My. God. I thought our Harriet cat was huge. Oh. My. God.

Every inanimate object in my apartment wants me dead - most especially when I am late for something.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

Response to who wants you dead?

I'm dying to know. How much does that cat weigh? People make fun of my fat cats (or cat, since Mharnu lost all of his weight). But Gremmy the fat Grem is only about 14 pounds.

When I was a kid, my aunt and uncle had a cat that weighed 30 pounds.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

Response to who wants you dead?

Holy crap, that's the largest cat I've ever seen! Pamie, be careful, because someday it's going to sit on your face and suck the life right out of you. No wait, it doesn't even need to suck your breath, it can just suffocate you with sheer mass. Yoinks.

As for what's trying to kill me, that would have to be Seattle traffic. Trying to kill me, man. Either crazy drivers or carbon monoxide poisoning, I don't know what's gonna get me first.

I also have a couple of readers that I'm sure would like to kill me, but I'm far too wily for them. Also they don't know where I live. And I'm smarter than them. So nyaah.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

Response to who wants you dead?

I think the vet said Cal weighed 15 pounds. I'm sure it's much more than that by now. He runs around ALL THE TIME. I can't figure out why he just keeps getting bigger and bigger. Now we can't tell if Taylor is getting smaller or just looks smaller in comparison. Cal sat on stee's thigh once, and I swear I saw tears of pain forming in stee's eyes. He was just trying to be nice, but he knows. Oh, he knows. That cat can kill. The other day he tried to open the front door by jumping up and pulling on the doorknob (Cal, not stee. Contrary to popular opinion, I don't have stee locked in a closet in my house). Taylor understands the alarm clock. It's just a matter of weeks before the two of them have total control of my apartment.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

Response to who wants you dead?

Oh Christ, I had no idea he was that big. Did you guys get him at the Town Lake Animal Shelter by any chance? I remember around that time that you adopted him, my boyfriend and I were kitty hunting and I remember seeing this HUGE massive cat and thinking, "Christ almighty he's big, but someone is going to adopt him."

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

Response to who wants you dead?

We did get him at Town Lake. Although, there was a kitty even bigger than Cal in the cage next to him named Sir William. We had a hard time choosing between the two. But Cal was all sickly and had stuff dripping from his eyes and nose and we knew if we didn't adopt him he wasn't long for the shelter because he'd start infecting the other kitties. That and he licked Eric's head. That was really all it took.

But I miss Sir William. Big and orange and a face like Mike Tyson.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

Response to who wants you dead?

I thought this forum was supposed to be about who wanted to kill you, not about how damn fat my cat is.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

Response to who wants you dead?

Sir William rings a bell. With a name a like that... I always saw Persians there with weird names, you knew they had to belong to crazy old ladies. And Eric, Cal is a cute kind of fat. Although, if he were trying to kill me, I don't think it would be so cute anymore.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

Response to who wants you dead?

see? see? i can't even talk about cal's killer thoughts before Eric's giving me the, "Baby. You're ridiculous." He loves that cat.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

Response to who wants you dead?

who cares about what wants to kill you? THAT CAT IS BIG. Big, big. Sorry Eric, but it is kinda fascinating how big your cat is. I have a fat cat too, his name is Oliver and I just found out yesterday that my neighbor upstairs has been feeding him right after I just fed him (the cat not the neighbor). This explains a lot. My tub actually wants to kill me though. every day I slip and whack my calf into it and scream 'shittin shit'. I have black and blues in beautiful shades all up and down my legs. I don't learn.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

Response to who wants you dead?

Good GOD, what do you feed that monster? You don't have a prayer. Sleep with one eye open.

My body is on a quest to systematically destroy itself. I am the clumsiest person alive, and have the scars to prove it.

Did you know it is possible to step on YOUR OWN HAND?

It is, and it hurts like hell.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

Response to who wants you dead?

My cat Max is on a diet. He weighed (pat tense) 28 pounds. I say don't worry until the floor shakes when he sits down. Then you have to worry.

I'm not sure if he's trying to kill us because of the diet or not, but he did infest the house with fleas, despite being a strictly indoor cat. I suspect he opened a window and said "yo, guys--hop on!"

Poor Max.

Anyway, take it from one fat cat owner to another: damn, that cat Cal is huge. He looks like he bench-presses Rottweilers and has smaller cats for hors d'oerves. When he sits around the laundry basket, he really sits AROUND the...(oh, shut up, Milla).

My neighbors want us dead. Well, no, they want our stuff. If that involves killing, they might be up for it. (The neighborhood is deemed "emerging" which means the crackheads are indignant that the police are coming out more and more oftena nd yuppies are buying up the existing hovels at greatly inflated rates and converting them into yup-pods.)

Other than that, I'm not sure I've offended anyone enough for them to want me dead. Then again, some people don't need much reason to dislike you, so perhaps I'm naive and someone's got me targeted right now. (!!)

Yay. Paranoia is fun.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

DAMN HE'S HUGE!!

You know - I'm not the kind of person that could be defined as a "cat" person.

I got bit when I was 11 by a stray cat that hung out at the school. It was my first contact with the cat - and my friend told me how to pet it as to not freak it out. This was the closest thing to a mascot as the school had - all the kids loved it to pieces. One touch by me - and (insert sound cat makes when biting here) - it drew blood. The nurse saw me - made me go to the doctor and the cat, well...the cat went the way cats do when they're captured after biting kids back in the eighties.

I was branded cat killer and spent the next 11 years avoiding cats. I *swear* they can sense it when they see me - it's like I have some kind of scarlet letter or am on the Cat most Wanted list or something.

ANYWAY - what I'm sayin' is tell Cal I live in Austin, I'm out here and "I gotcha back" if he tries anything fishy.

This ends what has GOT to be the most senseless post yet.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

I gotta back Pamie on this one, E. I've been there with you and Cal and I've been there with Pamie and Cal. Cal wants her dead. Really, he's got you completely duped, my friend. It's bad enough that he tries to bite my whole hand off when I'm doing the scratchy thing under the chin that he likes so much, but he just gets medieval on Pamie sometimes. I still love that big old fat cat in the basket, though.

Although he isn't as big as those pictures make him look....but he's not far off.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

My hamster Cleo bites the bejeezus out of anyone who picks her up. So is it fair to say that she wants me dead? In reality, she really wants everyone dead.

There is also a clique up where I went to college that would like nothing better than to see my innards splattered on the grill of an Allen truck. I hear they bite too, but I can only confirm a select few. ;)

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

Pamie, get out of there. Eric and Cal are obviously in league with one another - he is feeding that cat Weight Gain 4000 behind your back, yo!

Your only hope now is to duck out in the middle of the night with Taylor, like Sally Field in "Not Without My Daughter." Good luck!

That being said, there is nothing quite as fine as a fat-ass cat in a basket. Man, what a lardo.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

*sniffle*

I miss my kitty. Max ran off last night after falling out of the window of my house. He's never been outside before.

So he's trying to kill me too, you see, with worry. :(

And yes, Cal is enormous, but I love big cats. Unless they're trying to kill me, of course.

Lisa
Till Human Voices Wake Us...

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

Mmm hmm...Chris just told me to stop dissing Cal, which can only mean one thing. He's in on it, too. Run, girl. Run.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

Wow, I have the opposite problem. No matter how much I feed my cat, she just stays skinny and sleek and deadly. Trust me, a fast, sleek, stealthy, black, sharp-clawed cat is much more dangerous than a large and loungy cat. I fear I'll wake up one morning with my hand sliced off.

Oh, and do you keep small children around, by chance? It could be that Cal is eating all of them.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

Oh my and I thought my kittie Odin was a chunker! Looking at Cal makes it easy for me to see what Odin's brother Zeus will look like if he were to eat two tons of food! ;)

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

Good lord, that's a big cat. I'm not sure he's bigger than my cats in their heyday before the dog came along and they suddenly slimmed down from all the exercise, but he's mighty big. Only one of my cats is fat now -- that's Sally, but she prefers to be called "voluptuous" -- but I think Rudy was bigger than Cal when Rudy used to be fat. Rudy is really tall and long and scary, although not as tall and long and scary as Benny is. But Benny is svelte and handsome and rarely tops 14 pounds, even though he's like two feet long and a foot and a half high. He's like a basketball player or something.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

My cats so dam big that all the chinese food restraunts in the neighbourhood have posters up for staff that has gone missing. Ba Da Bump !

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

Damn, that's a big kitty.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

The pics of Cal are just priceless! After seeing the size of that mouth, I would start sleeping with the bedroom door closed. Maybe invest in a lot of catnip.

And whoever linked to their cat Odin? Do you grease that cat up to get him through doorways, or what?

Not that I can point fingers. My cat Sam came back from boarding at the vets with a little note that said "Today I weigh 19 pounds". I wanted to hang that sign around my own neck and see if the dmv would go for me changing the weight listed on my driver's licence.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

Good God. I mean, he's fat, but not in that docile Mamma-from-the Mammas-and-the-Papas kind of way. That bulk is fucking threatening in that Random-Task-From-the-first-Austin-Powers movie kind of way. I mean, he could sit on you while you're sleeping and collapse your windpipe. I think it's time for a little accident, involving, say, a burlap sack...

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

AHEM!!!! GETTING BACK ON TOPIC......

Pirece Brosnan wants me dead. He says I am getting too much of his parts.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

I meant too many of his parts. WHOOPS!

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

oooh pamie!!! cal's one fat cat!!! I didn't know he was THAT big!! oops, yeah, I'm late for this topic, but anyway...when I showed my mom the photo of cal with the mouth wide open, she freaked. she didn't even know it was a cat..she said, "aaah!! monster!!" I prove my case...yes, lock your doors, be alert!

and really, I think my stairs want me dead...especially after the twisting ankle fiasco. I still sense a tripping coming on in the future...I watch my back! also my nails since in my sleep I claw myself sometimes..don't know how that happens but it does.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

And I thought my Tubbyman was big. Well, he *is* big; the last time we took him to the vet's, he weighed 15 pounds, and I'm sure he's gained weight since then.

He's a big wimp, though. I'm sure Cal could kick his ass in no time.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

i would be very, very afraid of a cat that big...

and the mbta (boston's public transport) is completely out to kill me. they hate me. they have almost run me over(not just once, not even twice, but seriously honest to god, 6 times!!!), driven off when i was still exiting the bus, and completely changed their schedules on a daily basis...all in attempts to knock me off balance so they can soon deliver the death blow.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

My car wants me dead. It likes to play a game called, "Let's make Tracey's heart stop!" The game involves making strange noises when I'm tooling down the expressway, or failing to accelerate when I'm trying to make a quick left turn before the light changes. I *really* need a new car. And, Pamie, that is one frickin' big cat.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

is your cat fixed? i hear some kitties have weight issues after that procedure. my parents' have a cat quite comparable to your cal. when you lift her, it's like lifting a small child!

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

Is Cal inflatable???

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

I guess this is a Birthday Week present.
I saw that picture, and an idea went through my head:

Villagers running from Cal.

That cat's evil.

Animate.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

OK, so I just showed the pictures of Cal to a couple of my co- workers. Responses:

"Holy shit, can it walk? No seriously, is it pregnant or what? It can't walk, right?"

"Damn, that's a huge cat! That's the biggest cat I've ever seen! Is that a full size laundry basket? Jesus Christ! I'd be scared to live with a cat that huge!"

Incidentally, one of my co-workers thought that the Cal yawning picture "looked like Godzilla" and should be submitted to some sort of photo contest where it would be sure to win a prize.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

"It's like something from a Macy's Thanksgiving day parade gone horribly awry! Let's flee this joint, lest we be trod upon!"

"Ooh! I hate when you say 'lest we be trod upon.'"

Pamie. Stop worrying. If he wanted you dead, we wouldn't be reading your journal. We'd be reading an obituary.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

cal attacking the villagers is hysterical.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

I think that is the funniest thing I have ever seen. Cal, menacing scared villagers. My stomach hurts from laughing. *sigh*

Pamie, you should introduce Cal to my friend's cat, Sidney. If he hasn't found a girl his size in Austin yet, Sidney would be a great match for him. She topped out at 32 lbs. when last weighed.

Oh god, that picture is funny.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

Okay, this calls for extreme action. I'm calling in the Big Gun.

Expect Richard Simmons to start calling Cal every morning to give him a pep talk and do the "sweatin to the oldies" thing.

I know you're a Billy-freak. But this calls for extreme action.

I'm just saying.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

OHMYGOSH! I did not realize that Cal was such a SumoCat!!! I showed the pics to my husband and we laughed and laughed... and my boy cat, Bandeeto, the one who is referred to as "The Fat One" seems to think that he is svelte now that he has seen Cal! Brittanie, AKA "The Skinny One", said this" "Him cud put Bwittie's whole noggin in hims mouf!!! Dere muscht be sumfin wong wif dat cat!!!" So, Pamie, I feel for ya... watch your back!!!

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

Every inanimate object that has a protruding part wants me dead because they are always reaching out to smack my legs, arms, shoulders, etc. Yes, Cal is HUGE! I have a big boy too - 18lb Rocky. Big kitty boys are the best! Laura.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

I LOVE the picture with the running villagers!! So who wants me dead? Would you like that list alphabetically, numerically, or in order of priority? Let's start with everyone I owe money to. Thankfully I don't owe money to anyone named Vito or anything else that ends in a vowel. Move on to my roommate. On alternating days he wants me dead. People who owe ME money also want me dead, simply because it would make thier lives simpler. Anyone mentioned in my life insurance policy wants me dead. A major departments store chain here in Canada must want me dead, or they wouldn't make my job so difficult (I sell to them). But that's ok, it's mutual.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

My shoes want me dead. They keep tripping me and making me fall. I sprained my ankle because of those shoes. But I've outsmarted them: I'm getting new shoes this week! New shoes that will give these shoes something to be afraid of! I just hope they don't kill me on the way to the store...

Teach them to trip me in front of on-coming traffic.

(PS: Pamie, if you have any trouble from Big Bad Cal, I'll send you my Killer Shoes of Death. They'll protect you.)

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

Oh.my.god. Must take...deep breath... Picture of Cal attacking villagers is too much. Killing.Me. Shit. Cal wants me dead, too. He's trying to kill us all.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

Hey Heather, you didn't tell me you were getting new shoes! Don't tell your old shoes, or they may fly into a jealous rage. Then you're really in trouble!!

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

I've printed out the Cal pic to post above my kitten Harry's dish. Give him something to aspire to. (He already goes all Catzilla on my a-- every afternoon; all he needs is mass like that to really do some damage.)

We love you, Cal. Don't kill Little Mew. Really.

-- Anonymous, June 16, 2000

Saran Wrap is trying to kill me. Last night, as I was putting a brand- new roll of tinfoil away, the Saran Wrap jumped up and bit me! Here I was, providing it with a friend to talk to, and how does it show its appreciation? It takes a chunk out of my finger! Ow! How was I supposed to know that my Saran Wrap doesn't like tinfoil?

Well, at least it doesn't escape the drawer at night and try to smother me. I had nightmares of Cal doing that. Eeek.

-- Anonymous, June 16, 2000

My cat Marley wants me dead. He thinks that my toes were sent to him from the Hostess company. That would be ok if I was at all capable of defending myself, but he is a good 20 pounds of feline and only one year old. I think that he is only going to get bigger! If you never hear from me again you will know that he finally got me. In the immortal words of Bill the Cat, AAAACCCCKKKK!!

-- Anonymous, June 17, 2000

Eep! I thought my cat Charly was huge. If he gets any bigger I'll have to take him to the vet... I assume you've taken Cal to the vet, Pamie? He looks like he could do with a vet-approved diet of some sort, unless that was a really bad camera angle..!

-- Anonymous, June 17, 2000

I have a rug that tries to kill me. It migrates about the house (or my roommate moves it) and it sits around all day...and all night...just waiting for me to be late for something, or to get the munchies when it's dark in the apartment. It plots...schemes...waits for me to ramble around with out my contacts. And just when I'm least expecting it...when i'm most vulnerable...when I'm in my towel going to answer the phone...I step on it and BAM! Down I go onto the wooden floor. I think that the rug is in a league with my bed. The mattress keeps moving around on the box springs so that a large gap opens up between the bed and the wall the my pillows (and my head) get sucked into. I wake up with my head in a full nelson and my comforter and blankets hopelessly tangled. Either that or the wiley little thing slips to the side so that when I think I'm rolling over onto a piece of stable mattress, i'm actually rolling over onto a foot wide piece of mattress hanging over a 3 foot drop to the ground. Perhaps I should start sleeping on the floor...

-- Anonymous, June 19, 2000

Aside from the weird furniture, I have a cat that is surprisingly normal. I wonder how she turned out that way, having lived with the likes of me for the past 10 years. My roommate swears she's psycho, but I be to differ. Sure she sleeps on my chest at night, occasionally on my face...but that's not so bad. Certainly she chases her own tail and sits staring at you as you sit on the toilet. And of course she growls like a dog and bites your ankles if you don't pet her. She's not big, she's not small. She sleeps in the bathtub during the day, and whenever anyone new comes into the apartment, she hides under furniture for 2 days. When I got her I was living with Mother. Mother and dear Nosey cat don't get on with each other. Mother would curse at Nosey, and Nosey would propmtly go pee in Mothers air vent in the bathroom, and then crap on the oriental rug in the living room and cover her doo-doo up with shavings from said carpet. She's really quite a darling...and I do love her. http://www.geocities.com/Vienna/Choir/7101/Nosey.jpg

-- Anonymous, June 19, 2000

Ugh! I just stepped on the scale, holding my orange purrmonster, Ginsberg--and weighed an entire 21 pounds more than without him in my arms.

Yes, Ginsberg is a huge orange cat, with an appetite that puts any cheap Garfield imitation to shame. Since he came to me when he was about 9 months old, I can safely say:

I have created a monster!

The Grammarqueen http://www.verbalicon.com/semicolon

-- Anonymous, June 19, 2000

Yep, Cal's a bigg fella. Makes my little Noel (currently 14 lbs, but he was about 16 lbs a couple of years ago) look almost svelte. Noel used to be a scrawny cat. You could feel his ribs through his long hair when you pet him. Then I went and got him fixed when he was two and the pounds piled on after that. My two 11 month old kittens are following in his footsteps, currently 12 lbs each.

One of those kittens is trying to kill me, though. Edison is constantly under my feet, especially when I go in the kitchen. He wants me to think it's because that's where the food lives, but I know it's really because that's where all the sharp utensils are. He's hoping he'll trip me and I'll fall on something sharp, even though all sharp things are put safely away (I don't think he realizes that part).

My parents' mini-van is also trying to kill me. The back door has hit me in the same spot on my head several times. I think I have a permanent lump there now.

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2000