Why is it that my latest ex wants to be friends? I can't watch him fall in love with other people right under my nose. I don't have anything more to give him, and I don't want anything else from him anymore. I have to make room in my life for new, positive people and experiences. So actually, now that I have drawn the (hopefully) final line in the sand (Don't contact me!) - how do I get rid of the guilty feelings? Any thoughts?

-- Anonymous, June 12, 2000

Answers

Time gets rid of the guilty feelings. Nobody likes having to finally say, "Just leave me alone, and don't contact me anymore," we've been raised to believe that's rude. Unfortunately sometimes that's the only way to get done what needs to be done. You did the right thing for you, and what you have to do now is live your life, nurse the guilty feelings privately, and don't let that inner-nag chip away at your resolve.

More practically, if he calls, don't answer. If he e-mails, don't answer. If you're cutting him off, you have to be firm. If you answer after three or four entreaties for your time, all you've done is taught him that it takes three or four entreaties to get your attention again.

If you're strong enough to lay down the law, you're definitely strong enough to uphold it. Good luck!

-- Anonymous, June 12, 2000

good for you! i agree that it's nearly impossible to be friends with an ex.... i've never understood why so many people try to pull that off....unsuccessfully, i might add. i agree with saundra - now that you've drawn that line, don't give in. the guilt will subside in time, and there's no reason for you to feel bad anyway. it's what's healthiest for both of you, really.

-- Anonymous, June 12, 2000

I find that guilt is lessened by anger. If he does contact you then you can get mad at him for that. If he doesn't, well, just think of all the reasons you aren't going out anymore...

-- Anonymous, June 12, 2000

Hear hear! Being friends with your ex might work perfectly in a perfect world, but as we all know, this world's far from perfect. Besides, love and friendship are simply two different forms of relationships. Why enter into a relationship with someone you've just broken up with? The only situation I can think of where lovers can become friends afterwards is when they really like each other but the sex was a letdown. In a scenario like that, it could happen. Other than that - hey, it doesn't sound like you dumped the guy on a whim, so stop worrying about it. He'll live, and so should you.

-- Anonymous, June 13, 2000

Oh, man, can I relate to this. My husband cheated on me, lied to me, and generally treated me like crap. A month ago I caught him in bed with his girlfriend, who he is still seeing. We've filed for divorce, and I've moved out, and... he still thinks we can be best friends. I had to draw the line in the sand, too -- he wouldn't stop calling me at work, so I told him I'd get a restraining order if he kept it up. And whenever I answer the phone and hear his voice, I hang up.

The thing you have to remember is, you have to take care of you. I don't know how bad (or amicable) your breakup was, but but either way, it's a painful thing, and you can't waste energy worrying about his feelings, and whether you're hurting them or not. Just look after you.

-- Anonymous, June 13, 2000

Just agreeing with what everyone has said here. It was real hard for me at first to sever all communication with my ex b/c of the guilty feelings and whatnot, but necessary and I'm glad I did it. Fortunately he never tried to call me but he did email me and try to message me online, both of which I ignored. He left town eventually (yay!) and I haven't had to deal with him since, save the very rare ICQ message left for me which, of course, I don't answer.

-- Anonymous, June 13, 2000

I totally think you did the right thing. I have to give you alot of credit for being smart (and strong) enough to simply draw the line. My most recent ex tried for months to "be friends", and it simply was not what I wanted. I just wanted him to go away. I suppose it's possible for some ex's to stay friends, but you had to be friends to begin with, but when I meet someone and we date, and then break, there is no "staying friends", b/c we never really were friends to begin with. You summed it up perfectly describing what you want from him now, just remind yourself of why you made the choices you did, and that it's best for both of you. Good luck!

-- Anonymous, June 13, 2000

My latest ex broke up with me over three months ago. I was real bitter and resentful for quite awhile, and cut off contact for a time, but then I tried talking to him again, and after about 2 months all the negative feelings eventually dissipated, and I remembered how much I enjoyed talking to him. Although I still didn't know how I would handle it when he found someone else. Turns out I don't have to - he wants me back and is flying out to see me in 3 weeks (we live on opposite sides of the country).

My point is, even if you don't want them back, you have nothing to lose by trying to be friends. Sometimes, it just can't happen because one or the other of you treated the other one too poorly to salvage any sort of relationship. I've been there, too. But if you're always civil and respectful, you might just find a friendship that still brings the both of you a lot of pleasure.

-- Anonymous, June 13, 2000

You know what you do?

Shoot him in the gut.

-- Anonymous, June 13, 2000

The answer is: you wait. The guilty feelings probably won't go away for awhile, especially if he's a decent person. It will take time, and it will probably not be all that easy, but it will happen.

It helps if the person is kind of a jerk. I've managed to stay on good terms with almost all of my ex-SO's, save for one who began a campaign of publicly lying about me and slandering me; when that started up, it became very easy to invite her out of my life, in spite of the fact that I still cared for her. And, fortunately, I was able to do it with very little guilt.

I wish you all the best. I don't think it will be easy, but you can do it.

The Chronicles of Richard

-- Anonymous, June 13, 2000

I've only ever remained friends with one of my exes. I had no problem hanging out with him and his fiance, etc. My currently-recent ex will probably be #2, because we still have to write a book together and so far it's working out OK.

The thing that is different about these two guys (and that's 2 out of 9 significant ex-others) is that we were friends first and foremost. With the first one, our relationship was primarily based on mutual help and support during an intense, tough experience (6 months living in India). With the recent one, our relationship was all about work before we ever thought to touch each other.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if there's nothing there that transcends the relationship, it's probably not going to work as a "just friendship".

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

I'm actively working with my most recent ex to be friends. It's hard, because he's never been friends with any exes before and doesn't know the rules. I've never really wanted to maintain any kind of tie to my exes before (save one, who was flaky, which is why he was an ex, but I never took the flakiness personally, which is hy we remain friendly). So I don't know the rules either.

We communicate via e-mail and are friendly when we bump into each other out in public (frequently, as we have similar interests and tastes), but we are definitely not comfortable enough yet to call each other up on the phone randomly and say "yo, want to grab dinner or see a movie?" because that's still too date-y. Maybe eventually.

It helps that the relationship was healthy and positive. He simply didn't feel that I was The One and that it was no reflection on me as a human being. He may never find The One, but who am I to hold him back if he thinks there's someone better who will make him happier?

It also helps, in an odd way, that I feel I miss him more than he misses me. If he were contacting me and I was the dump-er, I'd feel stalked. I'm aware of how it feels when an ex or someone you don't like "in that way" fails to take a hint that you're not interested, so I'm tactful about it. Since I don't harass him and since I give him plenty of space, I assume he doesn't feel pressured or stalked.

We joke back and forth via e-mail and exchange hugs and chat when we run into each other. I'd say that was friendly, but definitely not "best friend-y".

Time will tell whether or not it will work. My flaky ex, the only other one I've bothered to socialize with, does want to do dinner on occasion, calls up, stops by the house, etc., and it's definitely not romantic, he's just being sociable. There's still minor awkwardness, but I'd say we're on our way to being friends. I think it's possible.

Anyway, that wasn't exactly what the forum question was.

Toxic people: I tend to avoid getting too close to people who make my alarm bells go off. Failing that, I express my discomfort, though it takes a while and I have to go through an "is it just ME?" phase first. Failing that, I taper off contact with them, and maintain my own transportation if we're going somewhere at the same time, etc. Failing that, well, I quietly pack up and move if I live with them. Have done so twice, after long discussions and attempts to fix the relationship failed. I give every opportunity to communicate and fix things before I leave, but once I leave, I don't accept phone calls, mail, etc. It's definitely a drastic final step, but if the person is truly toxic and unwilling to change, or unable to change or get help, then that's the best solution. Complete removal of yourself from the person.

As for guilt, if you've broken up with someone, then it is perfectly normal to say "I can't do the friends thing RIGHT NOW" and "Don't contact me for X months, I MEAN IT" if you think there's a chance you'll change your mind. If there isn't, then be firm and say "I can't be your friend, and I don't want to hear from you ever again". Then stick to it. Like someone said, dont give in after X number of calls or attempts, or Ex simply learns that it takes X number of calls to get your attention.

Good luck.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

there's only one things that will wash those thoughts right outta your hair. Trust me on this one: Rum Raisin.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

You just have to cut them off completely, that's the only way to fly. I did that with TLC and she has pretty much evaporated!

Works like a charm. =)

-- Anonymous, March 25, 2002