I heard a funny joke on another thread (the one about Californians) and I found it so refreshing to laugh! I love a good joke, and wondered if anyone had any good ones to share (remember this is a nice, clean forum!) or if you have any websites that post good jokes.

I am one of those boneheads who can't remember them, nor tell them right when I do remember, but I would love to "hear" some.

Got jokes?

-- sheepish (rborgo@gte.net), June 10, 2000

Answers

I copied this from another board so I hope it takes:

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in- laws,and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

-- john leake (natlivent@pcpros.net), June 10, 2000.

Oh brother! I am changing my haircolor!!! Good one, John.

-- sheepish (rborgo@gte.net), June 10, 2000.

Sheepish, did you ever go to Backwoods? They have a lot of good jokes. http://www.backwoodshome.com/forums/genforum.cgi?read=31785 Eagle

-- eagle (eagle@alpha1.net), June 10, 2000.

nope, I haven't. I guess I had better check it out. This is such a great forum and great folk that I have been pretty happy here. But I'll visit. Thanks for the tip!

-- sheepish (rborgo@gte.net), June 10, 2000.

Once upon a time, a common factory worker was walking to work when he happened upon a small bird that was nearly frozen. He placed the bird within his coat and sue enough the bird began to come back to life. At this time the warning bell for work rang and the man(who had been warned not to be late again) was beside himself on what to do with the bird. At this moment a horse came down the road and crapped in the road. The man, seeing the warmth of the crap, placed the bird in it and went to work. Sure enough this plan worked and the bird popped his head out of the crap and began to cheep. A very hungary wolf hearing the cheeping came out of the woods and ate the bird in one gulp. Now, this story has three morals ! The man that places you in deep crap is not necessarily your enemy. The one who gets you out is not always your friend, and when you find yourself in deep crap--SHUT YOUR MOUTH !

-- Joel Rosen (Joel681@webtv.net), June 11, 2000.

I friend of mine,a city-slicker who can't understand why we want to live way out in the sticks, sent me this: (warning: somewhat raunchy) ********** Sam had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the > >stress. > >> > He > >> > >quit his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from > >humanity > >as > >> > >possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once > >a > >> > month. > >> > >Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. > >> > > > >> > >After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing > >dinner > >> > when > >> > >someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded > >man > >> > >standing there. > >> > > > >> > >"Name's Lars ... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a > >party > >> > >Saturday ... thought you'd like to come At 5..." > >> > > > >> > >"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some > >local > >> > >folks. Thank you." > >> > > > >> > >As Lars is leaving he stops. "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some > >> > >drinkin'." > >> > > > >> > >"Not a problem ... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the > >best of > >> > >em." > >> > > > >> > >Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be > >some > >> > >fighten' too." > >> > > > >> > >Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks > >again." > >> > > > >> > >Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at > >these > >> > >parties, too." > >> > > > >> > >"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "I've been all alone for six > >months! > >> > >I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?" > >> > > > >> > >Lars stops in the doorway once again and says, "Whatever you want. > >Just > >> > >gonna be the two of us."

-- Helen (bluechicken@wildbearnet.net), June 11, 2000.

A kindergarden teacher was watching her class as they drew pictures. One little girl was deligently working & the teacher asked her what she was drawing? The little girl casually replied "I'm drawing God!" The teacher said, "but no one knows what God looks like!" Without missing a beat or looking up from her work, the little girl replied," They will in a minute!!!" Sonda in Ks.

-- Sonda (sgbruce@birch.net), June 12, 2000.

I was just reading North Of Forty, which is a Red Green column in a mini paper that is delivered around our area. Thought this was sor of funny:

Back when I was in elementary school, we had a point sytem whereby a student could accumulate points over the week and have a shot at going home on Friday with a gold star. I miss that. We need to bring that sense of success back into our lives. Here's a sample list of achievable rewards. Get a hundred points, and the gold star is yours: --Went to work most days: 10 points--Vacuumed potato chips fallout around La-Z-Boy: 15 points--Bought flowers for your wife: 20 points--Bought flowers for somebody else's wife: minus 20 points--Said 'no' to something illegal, immoral or fattening: 10 points--Watched a half hour of PBS: 10 points--Looked at your wife when she was talking to you: 15 points--Listened to your wife when she was talking to you: 25 points--Loaned money to your adult son: 20 points--Got money back from your adult sone: 0 points(unecessary)--Had an ache and didn't mention it: 15 points--Had a surprise for your wife: 10 points--Had a pleasant surprise for your wife: 50 points.

Here's another, (not Red Green):

An angel appears at a faculty meeting an tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behaviour, he will be rewarded by a granted choice of either: infinate wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel and disappears ina cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightening. Now, all head turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs a great, wise sigh and says, "I should have taken the money."

I could not possibly stop until I tell a blonde joke, (no offense to any blondes here :o)

I blonde goes to a spa, but because she has head phones on she is not allowed in. "You must take your head phones off." Insists the supervisor. "I can't or I'll die." Argues the blonde. Finally the supervisor lets her wear her head phones in the spa. After awhile the blonde becomes very relaxzed and falls asleep. The supervisor takes the opportunity to remove the blonde head phones. A few minutes later the blonde is dead. In horror the supervisor puts the head phones to her ears to listen and hears, "Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out....."

Anyway...hope to hear some more and maybe tell some more, (if that's ok)

-- Abigail F. (treeoflife@sws.nb.ca), June 12, 2000.

Modern Geography...

The elementary school teacher addressed one of the pupils in her class, "Johnny, can you tell me where the nation's capital is?" Johnny thought for a moment and replied, "I think it's in Washington D.C." "That's correct.", said the teacher. "Now, can you tell me what 'D.C' stands for?" "Oh, that's easy! D.C. stands for DOT COM!"

(:raig

-- Craig Miller (CMiller@ssd.com), June 12, 2000.

Ole the farmer comes downstairs after a goods night sleep to make coffee and breakfast. Says good morning to Thor, sleeping in the kitchen next to the heater and goes about his business. While sitting at the table Ole glances over to Thor. Hmmm, says Ole. Thats strange. Usually by now Thor is over here begging for table scraps. Ole goes over to Thor, says his name and shakes him a little. No response.

Ole's concerned, thinking this doesn't look good for old Thor. He calls the vet and says "Doc, Doc, I think Thor died last night. How much would it be for you to come out here and just confirm he's dead?" Doc says, "Ole a simple confirmation is $10." "OK doc. You may as well come out here and check it out. I gotta be sure Thors dead before I bury him." A short while later Doc arrives. He puts a mirror under Thors nose--no fog--hmmm, he says, "Ole it doesn't look good." He pulls out a stethascope and listens for a pulse---nothing. He lifts up the eyelid---nothing. He starts packing his bag, saying "Ole, I hate to tell ya but Thor is definitely dead." Ole says "Yaaah Doc, thats what I figured but I had to be sure. Doc hands Ole the bill. Ole looks at it a bit, shakes his head and says "Doc,I saw what you did and it didn't seem to be much and I'm still not sure. Isn't there something else you can do?" Doc says "Sure Ole but it is absolutely accurate and it'll cost a little more." "OK Doc" Ole says. "I just gotta be sure."

Doc goes out to the car and brings back a cat, sets him down on the floor next to Thor. The cat walks very slowly around Thor. Then he jumps up on Thors body and looks Thor right in the face. Still no response. Doc shakes his head and says "Ole its fer sure. Thor is really dead." "Yaaaah Doc I kinda figured but I had to be sure."

Doc puts the cat back in the car and comes back with the bill, handing it to Ole. Ole looks at it--long and hard. His face is turning red, his knuckles are turning white and his hands are starting to shake. He says "Yumpin Yimminy Doc. First the bill was $10. Then you tell me its a little more for the final confirmation and now you hand me this bill for $510. How can this be?"

Doc says, "Ole, like I told you on the phone, the basic consultation is $10. The $500. is for the CAT scan.

-- john leake (natlivent@pcpros.net), June 12, 2000.

This is supposed to be from a real court transcript: Lawyer: "Are you the physician who certified the man's death?" Doctor: "Yes, sir." Lawyer: "Well, before you did this, did you check to see if he was breathing?" Doctor: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check his pulse?" Doctor: "No." Lawyer: "Did you see if the pupils in his eyes reacted to light?" Doctor: "Well, then, if you didn't do these things, how can you be sure he was dead?!" Doctor: "Well, his brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could be walking around practicing law somewhere..."

-- snoozy (allen@oz.net), June 13, 2000.

Hey, some words got dropped in the middle of the last post! After the question about the pupils, insert: [ Doctor: "No." Lawyer: ]

Kinda throws off the rhythm of the telling/reading when the internet takes a bite out of it, don't it?...

-- snoozy (allen@oz.net), June 13, 2000.

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period. "Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out." "What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt. "Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?" "Er--right." "An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you're right." "An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?" "All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?" "What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin?"

-- sissy sylvester (jerreleene@hotmail.com), June 14, 2000.

This is good. Had a very close friend send me this last week and I decided to share with all of you. For all parents who want to get even without going to jail...> > > > This will brighten your day ~ share it with your child! This is good to have around the house if you still have kids around the house (including grand kids, nieces, and nephews). Post it on your refrigerator door (icebox door for those of us not very sophisticated) and watch the kids reaction. Walt Child's Bill of Rights (Author Unknown) My son came home from school one day, with a silly grin on his face, He thought he was smarter than me, his Mom, and could put me in my place. HE SAID: Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that's taught by Mr. Wright, It's about the laws of the land today, its called THE CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS. IT SAID: I don't have to clean my room, I don't have to cut my hair. Nobody can tell me what to eat, or choose the clothes I wear. My freedom of speech is guaranteed. Its my choice of what I read, or watch on TV. I have freedom of religion, and regardless of what you say, I don't have to ask your God for help---I don't have > > > > to pray. I can wear an earring in my ear, And, if I want, can pierce my nose. It's my choice if I so desire, to tattoo Satan's numbers across my toes. AND if you try to spank me, I will charge you with the crime, and I can back up all my charges, with the marks on my behind. HE SAID: Don't ever touch me, this body is only for my use, not for your hugs and kisses and stuff, that's just another form of child abuse. HE CONTINUED WITH: Don't fill my head with morals, like your mama did to you, That's what's called mind control, And it's illegal too! Mom, I have these children's rights, you can't do a thing to me, I can call children's services, better known as C. S. D. MY TURN!!!! My very first impression was, to toss this boy out the door, But here was a chance to teach him a lesson, for once and ever more. I took my time and mulled it over, I couldn't let this go. This kid of mine didn't realize, that he was messing with a pro! AND AWAY WE GO............. The next day we went shopping, and in spite of every plea, I didn't buy him 501s or shirts designed by Nike. I had called and talked to C. S. D., they said they didn't care, if I bought him Volume shoes, or a pair of Nike Airs. AND THEN: I canceled his appointment to test his driving skills, I'd probably be dead by now, if only looks could kill! I SAID: No time to stop and eat, or pick up stuff to munch, I think you should follow C. S. D.'s advice, And make yourself a sack lunch. So, that you're not hungry, that you can wait til dinner time? Well, we're having liver and onions, Cause it's a favorite dish of mine. Can we stop to get a movie, so you can watch on the VCR? Gosh no! I sold the TV in your room and bought new tires for my car. I also rented out your room, you really don't need a bed. C.S.D. says all that's required of me is to put a roof over your head. I only have to buy your clothes, and the food that you must eat, The money you used to get for an allowance, will buy me something neat. No more eating after we shop, no more joking along the way, I too have a BILL OF RIGHTS, that goes into effect today! What's the matter, are you crying? Are you down on your knees? Why are you asking God for > > > > help?......................... Why not call C.S.D.?

-- sissy sylvester (jerreleene@hotmail.com), June 14, 2000.

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER in 2000

THE CLASSIC VERSION The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold. THE MODERN VERSION The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, CNN, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America and the world is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias", and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's." Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act". Retroactive to the beginning of the summer, the ant was fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of compatriots announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.

-- sissy sylvester (jerreleene@hotmail.com), June 14, 2000.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One - He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

-- Grits in Fl (rebelfarm@yahoo.com), June 15, 2000.

This one is old, but it is neat. Thought maybe someone hadn't heard it.

Dividing The Nuts

One For You, One For Me

On the outskirts of town, there was huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He knew what it was.

"Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery." He cycled down the road fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

The man said, "Shoo, you brat, can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is." But after several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me...

"The old man whispered, Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."

Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

-- Grits in Fl (rebelfarm@yahoo.com), June 15, 2000.

An old man and woman were watching t.v. The man said to his wife. Please get me some ice cream. The lady went to the kitchen and didnt come back. the man got up , went to the kitchen to find out why his wife had not returned.He found her frying bacon and eggs. he asked her why she was cooking bacon and eggs. She said "becauce you asked me to get you some " The old man replied "I asked for watermelon. YOu have to be a senior senior citizen to appreciate this one

-- George Wilcon (Cwwhtw@aol.com), June 16, 2000.

HUSBANDS ARE LIKE BATHROOMS --They run both hot & cold! Sometimes their plumbing is a bit rusty. Some can be drips. Some get all steamed up & some are real stinkers! They can be a refudge in a time of need....but they are never available when ya need them! Sonda in Ks.

-- Sonda (sgbruce@birch.net), June 16, 2000.

These are great! I am just chucklin'! Keep 'em coming! And thank you!

-- sheepish (rborgo@gte.net), June 16, 2000.

A doctor is testing three elderly Alzheimers patients. He asked the first, Whats three times three?

The patients replied, 187. The doctor rolled his eyes. He asked the second patient, Whats three times three?

The patient replied, Thursday. The doctor shook his head. He asked the third patient, Whats three times three?

The third patient replied, Nine. Thats right. How did you get nine?

I subtracted 187 from Thursday.

Eagle

-- eagle (eagle@alpha1.net), June 17, 2000.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, What is this, Father?

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life; I dont know what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, Go get your mother

-- eagle (eagle@alpha1.net), June 17, 2000.

Three friends die in a car accident. They go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man.

The second guy says, I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher, which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies, I would like to hear them say, LOOK, HES MOVING! HES ALIVE!

-- eagle (eagle@alpha1.net), June 17, 2000.

There was this new homesteader that bought a couple of horses and she was having trouble telling them apart so she cut the tail off of one, now that worked for awhile untill the tail grew back. Then she cut the mane off of one and that worked untill the mane grew out. Then one day both horses where standing by the fence and she noticed something," now I'll be able to tell them apart"she said" the black one is taller than the white one"

..........JAY

-- Jay (jay@townsqr.com), June 17, 2000.

Newt Gingrich, Dan Quayle and Bill Clinton all died in a plane crash. They were acending to what they thought was heaven, in a cloud of fog. But, as the fog cleared, they found themselves not in heaven, but in the Land Of Oz. Newt looked around and said,"Hey, this isn't so bad,.......maybe I can get a heart!!!" Dan Quayle agreed. "Yeah, and maybe I can get a brain! ! ! ". Bill Clinton looked around and asked "Where's Dorothy?"

-- Dan (dshaske@excel.net), June 22, 2000.

Jay, was that a blonde joke!??

-- sheepish (rborgo@gte.net), June 22, 2000.