Okay, i'll start a question based on what i just read in the most recent entry (Heart Strings).

Jackie mentioned that sometimes you need to make the changes from within in order to let go of something.

I've been with my boyfriend for 16 months. In that time, his ex-girlfriend has never ceased trying to get back together with him. She calls at home. She calls at work (we work together). She shows up from time to time. Yesterday she lied to the receptionist and said she was his sister so that she could get put through. She tells people that she's still involved in a "behind the scenes" relationship with him.

Now in some ways it's a little funny - he's still seeing her? We live together and we work together. When is he seeing her exactly? Is he sneaking out for fifteen minutes while i shower in the morning? I don't think so.

In some ways it's pathetic and sad. She has denied herself a chance to meet someone new by holding on to something for so long that she can't have.

In many ways though, it irritates me to the very core of myself and it gives me physical sickness - headaches, stomach aches, anxiety attacks. It gives me mental and emotional stress.

I've done things that i can do on the outside - i screen his calls after hours at the office, and he has told the receptionist that he is ALWAYS busy if his ex calls. I have added both her home number and her cell number to the call screen option at home so the only way she can call is from a public payphone (which shows up as such on our display). We park in the lot next to our apartment complex instead of our own so she can't tell if he's home or not. He told his mother to call her (because she has a lot of respect for his mother and may listen) and tell her to leave us alone once and for all and that if she shows up again one of the two of us WILL call the police.

The problem is it's still an emotional turmoil inside. How can i make changes inside myself to deal with something like this? I really don't know where to begin.

I apologize for the novel in this forum - however, the people posting here seem to be compassionate and perhaps one of you has a word or two of advice on this matter. I can't really write about it on my own page in my journal since my boyfriend reads it and i worry that he may be uncomfortable with having it up there for so many to read about.

Any ideas?

-- Sherry (sherina@masc.ca), June 06, 2000

Answers

Do you guys have restraining orders in Canada???

-- Jackie (jackie@jackie.nu), June 06, 2000.

Jackie, Yeah, but they're so hard to enforce. Besides, i think when we move, it will put a serious damper on her attempts.

Would it be crude for me to show up at her house the day i end up sporting an engagement ring? :)

I just mostly need to work on the inside.

-- Sherry (sherina@masc.ca), June 08, 2000.

Hmmm.

Did the incredible length of my post frighten everyone away?

Sometimes i'm a bit too verbose.

-- Sherry (sherina@masc.ca), June 12, 2000.

I don't think the length - or the honesty of your quest scared people away.....it's just a tough subject, and we may give a response that may inadvertently sound insensitive, based upon our lack of knowledge. And I certainly apologize if my response seems a bit insensitive - it's certainly meant with the best of intentions. Here goes. And by they way, everything that I'm going to say, you already know.

You give this person so much power by putting so many roadblocks in her way. And by getting other people involved in the blockaide, as well. So many people are putting out so much energy trying to prevent her from contacting your boyfriend. Your boyfriend doesn't need protecting. It will take just a few calls, and each call he takes he needs to be firm and short: "If I have not been clear in the past, let me make myself very clear today: I am not interested. Please don't call again. If you continue to call, I will consider it harrassment, and I WILL contact __X___(my company's lawyer)or(the police)or(your boss)to ensure you get psychological help. What you are doing is against the law. Goodbye."

You need to live a normal life, and you are letting this woman freak you out. Pretty soon all you will have in common with your boyfriend is the fight against this woman's harassment. It will be the most talked about subject in your home - Stop it quick! Park in your spot at home. Do all the things you would normally do as a couple. This woman is getting a kick out of seeing you (and everyone else) squirm and run and dodge her calls. Why give her that power over you? Karma is going to kick her in the butt anyway. This is hard, but don't let anyone spend another moment worrying about this woman. Log all calls and activites, then give it to the police.

Sorry if I'm being a jerk, but I don't want you to be hurt. I want you to be happy.

-- Planet Earth (imagine@industrial-ideas.com), June 14, 2000.