This is an exaggeration (satire) of something in religion today that is not taught in scriptures.

Setting: The auditorium of the Church of the Many Titles Time: During Church Characters: The pew sitters; the Eldership and the Staff on the stage.

Quietness ascends over the group as Bro. Elder # 1 walks behind the pulpit stand. All eyes are upon him as he begins to speak.

Bro. Elder #1, "Welcome to our worship service at the Church of the Many Titles. Today's service will be a bit different because this is dedication day. We have added new Staff to this fine Church and we are here to honor and dedicate them."

Bro. Concern (to himself) "Huh?"

Bro. Elder #1 continues, "At my left on the stage sits our fine Eldership. Let me introduce them."

Bro. Newcomer (to himself) "So those men are the Eldership."

Bro. Elder #1, "Bro. MediDoc is a real asset to this fine Church. He physicians at the ClinicDowntown. Because of his influence in the community many have joined us here at this fine Church."

Everyone claps as Bro.MediDoc nods to the audience.

Bro. Elder #1 continues, "Next to Bro. MediDoc sits Bro. AccKeeper. He has only recently joined the Eldership and already our books are in order. He serves this fine Church as Treasurer."

All clap as Bro. AccKeeper nods.

Bro. Elder #1, "Next we have Bro. Oldtimer. He has been in the Eldership for quite some time. He is partially retired as others come aboard the Ship."

All clap as Bro. Oldtimer nods to the group.

Bro. Elder #1 continues, " On my right are all the Staff who serve this fine Church. As we introduce each person he/she will come forward and the Eldership will lay hands on him as we pray to God. First we have Bro. Pulpit Minister."

Bro. Pulpit Minister steps to the podium where he is joined by the Bros. Eldership. All lay hands on him as Bro. Elder #1 leads the prayer of thanksgiving for God's goodness in placing Bro. Pulpit Minister in this fine Church.

Bro. Concern (to himself,) "Huh?"

After the laying on of hands, and the prayer of thanksgiving for God's goodness, all clap.

Bro. Elder #1 speaks again, "Next we have Bro. Assistant Minister. This fine man was hired to help Bro. Pulpit Minister in all his many duties. He works under Bro. Pulpit Minister."

The Eldership lays hands upon Bro. Assistant Minister, prayer is offered to God, and all clap.

Bro. Elder #1 continues, "Next is our fine Bro. ChurCounseler. He is a busy man as you pew sitters bring your problems to him. He relieves the Bros. Eldership of mundane things and leaves their time open for more important endeavors."

Hands are laid upon Bro. ChurCounseler, prayer said, and everyone claps.

Bro. Elder #1, "Now we come to our newest Staff member. Bro. Youthman. Until we were able to obtain the services of this fine young man our youth were going in every direction. Their socials were not systematically handled, never knowing whose home would be used the next week, with only the parents to organize such events. Now since the arrival of Bro. Youthman the youth are organized. There are no socials without input from Bro.Youthman. He teaches them in their classes. Being young, himself, he can relate to their problems. Come forward Bro. Youthman."

Hands are lain upon him, prayer said and all clap.

Bro. Elder #1 continues introducing the Minister of Benevolence, Minster of the Elderly, Minister of the Bible classes, Minister of Magnificence, Minister of the Ministers...on and on and on.

After the laying on of hands on each, prayers said, all clap.

After about an hour of the laying on of hands, prayers and clapping, the Table was resided at, the Money Tree was fed, the assembly was dismissed with the song, "Pay and obey, Pay and obey, to be love and accepted just pay and obey."

As the group filed out into the isles of the building, Sis. Excited was heard to say, "I loved the interaction we had together today. We were all able to clap together.. Surely, this is the interaction the early Christians participated in."

Bro. Concern (to himself,) "Huh?"

-- nib Nelta Brock http://members.xoom.com/atlen/

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-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

Answers

Nelta....

Your satire here would be great except for one thing....it does not state the facts.

The fact is....that most staff members operate not from the premise of "doing the work".....but equipping the members to do the work.

This is the thrust of Ephesians 4....where Paul states that the offices of the church were "appointed" by God (not Nelta or Danny) for the purpose of "equipping the saints to the work of service."

Staff members (including preachers) are not "doers" Nelta....they are "equippers."

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

BTW Nelta....

It doen't get much more scriptural than what I just stated.

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

BTW Nelta....

It doesn't get much more scriptural than what I just stated.

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Huh?

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

Then you have Sister Neltoid who stands up and asks why all of these men are leading in God's Church. Despite the clear Scriptural teachings, the rest of the congregation, including the wise and godly women, patiently roll their eyes, with full sympathy and understanding that Sister Neltoid was accidentally dropped on her head by an elder as an infant and has still not completely healed from her therapy treatments.

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2000

So I take it, Duane, that you go along with all this ultra organization where staff is hired to do the work everyone is suppose to do. Lets just ignore the Holy Scriptures and put into place what makes us (some of us) feel good.

Lets hope not everyone is sitting rolling their eyes.

Nelta

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2000

I find much truth in your satire. It points out areas of cherished tradition, that slowly, through love, and study of God's Word, we eliminate in our congregations.

My point (with my satire, is that you don't seem satisfied with that. I have yet to read a post where you just point out something good that is happening in your relationship with the Lord, or something noble done or said by a member of the (shudder) male sex.

After a while, it becomes obvious to all (or most) that you have a serious ax to grind, and you need to bring it before the Lord, (or perhaps the ax wielder) and DEAL with it.

Instead of constantly bombarding this Forum with your incessant swipes at what you feel is The Church of the Business hungry, money grabbing, men-controlled power grabbers.

That dog won't hunt anymore. It never did. You have a Forum of your own. Nobody (virtually) is buying (or even reading) your whining anymore.

Jesus died for His Church, warts and all. And in my own little satire, I merely pointed out that this fictional person, Neltoid, has some much DEEPER issues in her life that she needs to deal with, and airing her supposed grievances here will NEVER help her heal the hurts she has had inflicted on herself.

My writing is blunt and must sound very sarcastic. But I mean it from the depths of my heart, and pray that this "Neltoid" character may someday confront that Elder who dropped her as a baby and forgive him.

So, again, the issue is not "too much organization". I see it in congregations where I have attended and find merit in your comments.

But there is something deeper there, a slow burn, which I pray you find--and extinguish.

In love,

Duane

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2000

Nelta....

Great Gobs of Gorilla GOO!!!!!!!

What is all of this about? Duane is right, although I wonder if, instead of dropping you, that Elder actually used you for a basketball - because this post is about your biggest piece of "dribble" yet.

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2000