Recently, at my cousin's wedding, I saw and heard a lot of things that surprised me. Maybe I'm just a fuddy-duddy. Some of the song choices, "Strokin'" in particular, were questionable, to say the least.

The bride had a ripaway train, so she ended up in a long, simple dress at the reception. That's cool and very practical, I thought. A lot of people followed suit and changed into more comfortable clothes after the ceremony. OK, I'm not big on formality and have no beef with that.

Then there was the T-shirt. One woman, who had worn a lovely, casual, blue dress with a tiny floral print at the ceremony, changed into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt that read: "WARNING: Hazardous gas in rear." While I really don't doubt the veracity of that, weren't there any other shirts she could have worn? My cousin (not the groom, his brother) and I were near hysterics everytime the woman walked by. It was just so absurd.

So, was the garter removal ceremony too intimate? The music really dirty? Did the bride look a little sleazy? Did the groom's parole officer bust up the festivities? Tell us your worst wedding stories.

-- Anonymous, May 08, 2000

Answers

By the way, this was inspired after seeing Amy's wedding pictures. Not that they were weird or sleazy, but it just reminded me of the last wedding I attended. Though, I must say, I was tickled to see a bride doing the Saturday Night Fever album cover pose and the Cabbage Patch.

-- Anonymous, May 08, 2000

The bride didn't wear underpants, the groom slept with the bride's best friend, and twenty-two people were taken away in squad cars.

I bartended at a bunch of Vancouver private clubs in university, to pay tuition, and I love the weird stuff that happens at people's weddings. The above link is the most outrageous. The funniest though, was another bride who had an outside dance floor, in late summer, and threw a fit when the Aurora borealis became visible (rare so south and in the city) - everyone else thought it was a magic touch, because it became visible just as she was about to dance the first dance with her father, but she just stamped her feet and pitched a hissy about how it was to bright, and then she yelled at us, the staff to "do something."

I love weddings.

-- Anonymous, May 08, 2000

Well I've only been to a few weddings... and at my best friend's wedding a few months ago they played "Strokin'" which I didn't think that weird at all... also The Chicken Dance, and that song "If you don't want me to, just tell me, it's so easy lovin' you" which you dance the "freeze" to...

But none of that was weird. What was kind of weird was the bride's brother getting drunk - not even drunk, just enough to boost his self- confidence - and hitting on me. His two best friends were there as well, and I spent most of the evening talking to one of them (whom I've known as long as I've known her), but the brother was the only one who was really blatant about hitting on me. Fortunately I had a couple of drinks myself so wasn't too insulted. (He KNEW I had a boyfriend, I mean.)

It was a big-time white trash wedding. I mean the bride and groom were the ONLY people not smoking. My mother left after the ceremony b/c her asthma was acting up...

-- Anonymous, May 08, 2000

I went to a very formal wedding in South Africa in January - it was almost ritualistic - 'now it's time to ... throw the garter!'.

The funniest thing was the first dance. It was all announced, and everybody gathered around the dancefloor, expecting to see the obligatory waltz. The bride and groom instead performed a full dance routine to a Celine Dion song (ummm, classy). It was marvellous - he was throwing her in the air and spinning her around, they were gazing longingly into each other's eyes. It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen, and we were torn between admiration for their courage, and hysterical laughter at the spectacle in front of us. Tristan and I had to lurk at the back of the room so we didn't get busted for giggling.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

One of my dear friends was married in a small church. She wore an enourmous dress that barely fit down the aisle. Her Father was drunk before the ceremony began. When she was stepping back from lighting the unity candle she *kicked* her dress to get it out of her way.

Then the reception. The best man got drunk, sang (at the mic) and stripped his jacket and shirt off. Thank God the music ran out before the clothes did. Suzyramble~The Mutterings of A Fool

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

i am in a wedding this summer where the bride will be waltzing in to the tune of taps. yep, that's a good omen.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

That "hazardous gas in rear" t-shirt is killing me. I would've been mortified if someone had worn that at my wedding, and I'm an easygoing gal. Some people may think what we did at my wedding reception was tacky, but I'm really grateful we thought of it. As we were decorating the hall that morning (I was young, we did most everything ourselves to save money), we realized we hadn't thought of tablecloths. Yikes! But we did have butcher paper, so we covered all the tables in it and laid crayons at each table. All of our guests wrote messages to us, which I still have tucked away. It was awesome because at a wedding, the bride and groom don't have a lot of chance to visit with all the guests. I'm really glad we did this, because I have sweet, warm messages from people who have faded out of my life for one reason or another over the years, but are still very important to me.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

My brother-in-law's family got trashed the night before the wedding. His mom got thrown out of a bar and was ticketed by the police. The next morning, my sister and my family members were all bright-eyed and bushy tailed, but the groom's sisters had been drinking until 5am, so they were lethally hungover. We were all bridesmaids and up at the alter, one of his sisters walked away to go retch in the bathroom - in the middle of the ceremony!! She had the gall to actually COME BACK to the line up, again mid-ceremony.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

I've been a bridesmaid in four weddings. That in itself falls under The Worst Thing I've Ever Done at a Wedding category.

My most memorable wedding moment was spilling red wine on the bride's dress during a group serenade of "You've Lost That Loving Feeling." I convinced her that I was pushed by the crowd, but I probably just lost my balance in a drunken stupor, since I was so classy when I was in college and possessed by the Merlot demon.

Luckily, she forgave me. Although I'm not sure her mother ever has.

words diminish

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Leigh Anne! That isn't tacky - that is utterly charming!

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Two of my cousins got married last year.

One was this huge social event and the other the complete opposite.

In the hotsy totsy one, we wore taupe bridesmaids dresses. TAUPE.

ewwwwww. but it was supposedly THE color for last year.

whatever. we looked like we were wearing slips.

My other cousin married a cowboy. A 'real' cowboy.....he even owns a ranch. yeeeehaw! I'm not close enough to this cousin to be a bridesmaid, thank goodness. The groom and groomsman wore black wrangler jeans, black boots, white shirts and tuxedo jackets....with those bolo tie thingies. I thought my mom was going to faint. The bridemaids wore black rocky jeans, black boots and these red shirts...with like the keyhole cutouts in the front and back. My cousin wore this long, lacy dress. They called it a western style wedding dress. I called it hideous.

The best part of that wedding was the reception. In the barn. With red bandana looking tablecloths, barbeque and the country band.

I am not kidding. Scary.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Taupe?!?! ha ha ha ha! That probably is really fashionable, but I think it's hilarious.

Thanks, Kristin!

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Oh, Alli, that sounds like something out of a baaaad movie! Doesn't make you wonder how folks can think of all those priceless touches and say to each other, "Yeah, that's a GREAT idea!" Oh my.

And Leigh Anne, if I ever get married, I would consider doing that paper and crayon thing on purpose! I've got just the friends for it.

I think the worst I have seen was some distant cousin of the groom who had long scraggly hair and a huge gut who thought he was so sexy taking off his shirt and dancing around in his trousers and a bowtie. Ew. Other than that, I feel deprived. The weddings I have been to have been nice, fun, and in most cases, relatively tame. **sigh** Stories! I want STORIES!

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

When one of my college roommates got married, she and her fiance were cutting all kinds of corners. They, like us, were paying for the whole thing themselves and were strapped for cash. Not to nit pick, but they didn't pull it off as well as we did.

For one thing, each member of the wedding party paid more on dresses/tuxes/travel/shoes/gifts/showers than the bride and groom did on the whole affair. The rehearsal was a disaster because the directions she gave us were so bad (we all came in from out of town). Then we couldn't find the dinner afterward (again, bad directions) and spent two hours driving around Dallas. After a couple of phone calls in which the bride's mother angrily gave us MORE wrong directions, seven of us gave up and ate Doritos and Chips Ahoy at a gas station.

I had even loaned my wedding dress to the bride, so she could avoid that expense. The worst part was that after the reception, she took it off, put it on a hanger, and handed it back to me. Now I'm no Emily Post, but I did expect it to be dry cleaned before being returned to me. Is that too much to ask? I mean, she'd been dragging that train around a gym floor for a few hours and it wasn't in pristine condition. It was two years ago, I'm still pissed off.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

I just recently went to a wedding, where the ceremony was very nice, held in a local conservation authourity display greenhouse ( damn, forgot what the proper name of that building is ), but the reception was held in the game room of a local biker sports bar. The pool tables and foosball tables were pushed into one end, paper wedding bells hung from from lights advertising beer, the groom met you at the door to give tickets for free drinks, and the bouncers were speed freaks. Not as romantic as I would have liked.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

I almost had shimmery taupe bridesmaids dresses for my wedding last July. They were very pretty, and very elegant with the color plan we had chosen. Instead we went with black. It must be said that if I was in a wedding tomorrow, next year, ten years from now, I would rather wear a taupe dress than an emerald green, fuschia, baby blue, purple or pink dress.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

I went to my uncle's wedding about 7 years back.. all was well until the part where the groom removes the garter from the bride's leg. She sat on this chair in the middle of the reception hall, and he went after it... with his teeth. She put the thing so high up on her thigh that some people were covering their eyes. It was very, very scary. I'm just glad she didn't skip on the undies. :P

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Leigh Anne,

I love the butcher paper idea...what a wonderful keepsake. I went to an Italian restaurant a few months ago and they did that. When I arrived, there was an elderly couple at the next table, doodling away and talking softly. When the woman went to the bathroom, the man scooted over to her place and wrote, "You're beautiful and I love you." I almost cried, it was so sweet.

The other reason I've got weddings on the brain is that my college roommate is getting married to her long-time boyfriend (oh, the ups and downs!) in September. She's doing a lot of things herself and seems to be doing it very much her way/personalized, so I'm always looking for touches she might like include. So far, she's getting a very unique dress, serving Mexican food and having a Jazz band.

As for myself, I made up a splash page I never got around to using:

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

I have no personal bad wedding stories, but my husband likes to talk about a wedding he and some friends sorta-crashed a few years back near Huntsville, Tx. It was quite the redneck event, complete with the bride's grandmother doing keg stands at the reception, in between attempts to sell off her other granddaughter to the male guests.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

This isn't a wedding story, but it does seem to fit the theme.

During my Bat Mitzvah (Jewish coming of age ceremony at 13 or thereabouts), after I had read from the Torah I was supposed to pick it up and carry it around the aisles of the temple. For those of you who have never seen one of these things, a Torah is a huge scroll form of the bible - probably over 3 feet tall and 50 or so pounds. So I grasped it as best I could and proceeded around the room, music playing, with the rabbi and my family following after in a procession.

To get back on the stage at the end, I needed to walk up a few steps. While doing so, I managed to step right out of my nice new shoes - on the very top step, of course, so that it was visible to the entire audience (100 or so people). There was obviously no way to reach down and pick it up without dropping the Torah, so I just kept walking. The rabbi, who was right behind me, picked up the shoe and followed me up to the podium, where he handed it back to me. I did my best to act calm and collected - no one saw that, right?

When it was his turn to speak, the first thing he said was "I've been a rabbi for 25 years and this is the first time I've ever had to play Cinderella at a Bat Mitzvah."

It remains the only time I've ever seen the entire audience laughing hysterically during the ceremony. Receptions are another matter, of course :)

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

oh mi god kristin. that is the funniest thing I have ever read in my life. they had it coming to them.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

My wedding page inspired "What's the worst or weirdest thing you've seen at a wedding"? Sob.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

My cousin had a Renaissance wedding. I can't really talk about it too much, but let's just say I left when I heard the words, "Okay, it's time for the wench auction." I looked at my dad and we both just said, "We're outta here."

Or maybe I'm just boring.

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2000

Sorry but I think all weddings are pretty absurd. As on Kristens page, I think few people know why they do all they do in the name of tradition.

Diamond engagment rings, what is that all about? Number one there are more valuable stones, was that stones I said? Yes it was, how much do you pay for a rock that Dutch people tell you is valuable? You know the same stones used on oil rig bits, knife sharpenners and my dremmel tool grinding bits.

Favourite whined sentance heard from most every bride "It's My Day" What the hell does that mean? What about the groom?

I'm sorry but if your wedding day is going to be the pinicle day of your life you may as well call Dr. Kevorkian over for the honey moon.

WhenI marry it will be for my wife and I, we have no need to spend a lot of money to ,,,, well why do people have big weddings?

Jewellers, caterers, photographers, companies who make and sell or rent formal wear, florists, they all get More out of a wedding than the bride and groom.

I would like to do the Las Vagas drive through wedding , so I can go see the Hoover dam, get some sun and cheep buffets or maybe go to Scotland (cause I liked last time I was there but would like to go with the GF) and jump over a broomstick. Maybe get married by a ships Captain at sea, anyway I would get a nice holiday out of the deal at least.

Tacky wedding stories, huh, by their very nature weddings cannot help but be anything but tacky In my opinion.

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2000

Amy, my apologies...you just got me in wedding mode, not that their was anything weird about yours.

Daniel,

I'd have to really agree with you. I can't remember if it was a TV show, movie or some TV magazine show my mom was watching the other day, but someone described their wedding as "the day I've looked forward to my entire life." I just don't get that. I really don't. I also hate when people describe their weddings as "the most important day of their life." Personally, I think the day I was born or the day I died would be far more important, all things considered.

When I graduated from high school and again from college, people acted like it was no big deal. Yet that was something I'd earned, compared with some drunk-with-power bride doing the whole "it's MY day" thing. Getting married isn't an accomplishment. Staying married, perhaps.

I can see a wedding as a celebration of your love, a day you want to share with close family and friends, but mindlessly mimicking traditions one doesn't understand, I just don't get. I guess when and if I get married, it'll be in comfortable clothes, in a field, with flowers in my hair. I'd hope my friend John could play some songs and that someone would bring some herb.

But that's just me.

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2000

You know, that their/there/they're thing is one of my biggest pet peeves. What next, the your/you're bug?

Oh, the irony.

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2000

My worst wedding story is not about a wedding I attended and I didn't know the people, but it's an image that I just can't shake. It's something I saw almost two years ago while stopped at a red light.

The light had just turned red and, looking to my right, I saw a three people standing in front of a tavern having a smoke. The two men were dishevelled despite the fact that they were wearing tuxedos -- it was pretty clear that neckties and cumberbuns had come off the second the ceremony ended. The reception was being held in a rundown tavern in an undesirable part of town. The third person was a drunken, swaying, brand new bride in a big puffy white dress. I was close enough to her to see that her makeup was ruined and her eyes were bloodshot and glassy. As the light turned green and I started to drive away she lurched away from the group and vomited behind the tavern. The men just kept smoking.

The whole scene lasted less than a minute for me, but I still think about it every now and then. The whole thing seems terribly sad. Wonder what life must be like for some people.

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2000

Damnit! Why didn't *I* think of having a Wench Auction at my wedding?

Oh - I could kick myself!

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2000

Kristin! I'm dying! "rained punches down on the groom's crotch"... oh, man. And I thought my step-aunt Bertha's wedding where the giant dog ran into the church causing Bertha to swat and it while screaming swear words was bad.

Hoo-wee.

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2000

I was a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding. Both she and hubby were/are fundamental Baptists. Let's call them "Chuck and Di". In the sermon, the officiating pastor began to talk about honesty and how the couple should be always up front with one another. Here's how it went: "What if on the morning after the honeymoon, Chuck woke up and discovered Di's wig and fake contacts and fake breasts on the dresser? Now that is not being honest." I felt trapped in a ridiculous situation. What a pig pastor. I don't know how or why they chose him.

Then, at the reception, "Chuck" took the mike and preached in order to encourage those people in the reception who didn't "know God" to "seek salvation". I wanted to sprint the 180 miles home.

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2000

A friend of my husband and his bride to be decided to have a slide show as a "surprise for the parents" during the ceremony! Apparantly there was some mis-communication because the minister just kept going with the ceremony. Nobody could hear the vows over "Wind Beneath my Wings" (And I wish I was just picking a stereotypical song. They really did use wind beneath my wings.)

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2000

In defense of "Renaissance" weddings....

My husband and I aren't religious, and we hate "traditional" western weddings. But, we feared grievous bodily harm from our mothers if we'd just eloped. (That might have been different had we not both been the first kids in our families to marry.) So, we chose to have an unconventional wedding - on Halloween. And even motherly interference was restricted by the venue (Texas Renaissance Festival). We wanted to share the event with our family and friends and not just put on a show. There was no "MY Day!" crap pulled by anyone, so our ceremony was short and sweet, maybe all of 15 min. We only had three attendants: Maid of Honor (my sister), a Bridesmaid (Dale's sister), and Best Man (Dale's brother), though a couple of my girlfriends acted as greeters (Welcome Wenches at the front gates). They all either made their garb or I supplied it. There was no "cookie cutter" look nor any taupe. Guests were encouraged to dress comfortably, in costume only if they wished. The reception site was only a few feet away, and that lasted a little over an hour. What we'd hoped for, and what ended up happening, was that most of the guests stayed to enjoy the rest of the Festival after the reception. We didn't have a Wench Auction, but that probably would have been interesting!

So, I guess the moral is that weddings can be enjoyable, for guests as well as the principles. It all depends on your definition of fun.

Anyway, if anyone cares, the pictures are up at http://midnightgarden.com /ourwedding/

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2000

Well, I didn't actually witness it myself, but... A college friend told me she attended a wedding where the groomsmen started drinking hard liquor several hours before the wedding, then imbibed more during the reception, and then decided to decorate the groom's car for the couple's sendoff. Instead of the traditional shaving cream, streamers, or tied-on tennis shoes, they decided to be more original. They filled his (pretty close to new) car completely with popcorn from large store-bought bags. Buttered, salted popcorn. Way to ruin new upholstery! Of course, the bride and groom were furious.

The pathetic thing is that they must have acquired all the popcorn beforehand, so, presumably, at some point they were sober, and still seemed to think this was a good idea.

-- Anonymous, May 11, 2000

I knew I'd get a chance to tell this story someday.

I've had to sing some pretty interesting songs at weddings. I don't want to say "horrible songs" (although, you know that actually IS what I want to say) because, people shouldn't be judged for their taste in music. If some (horrible) song makes them feel special, and they have the GUTS to play it at their wedding...they should be allowed...unless it's "Wind Beneath My Wings," people. The boom should be lowered on that one.

Once, a girl I didn't know hired me to sing a song at her wedding as a SUPRISE to the groom. Not only did she not have the sheet music, she made me sing it with a TAPE in this beautiful old church with a stunning piano and organ. So, she gives me a recording of it and handwrites the words for me to learn it. She is all tense and excited because it's a suprise. When the minister did his spiel about "Misty [or whatever her tacky name was] has chosen a special song for John today..." the girl BURST into tears before the music even started.

THEN, I stepped to the MICROPHONE (this, after I had begged her to let me sing without one - because it was so unecessary) and WEEOORRUUURROORR - enormous feedback. I was just about ready to bolt out of there. Standing at a microphone, singing with a track, looking at a sobbing bride, her ankle-bracelet wearing bridesmaids, and a very confused groom...it was more than my sensiblities could survive.

I sang it though, and everyone cried and carried on. It was a ridiculous song. I can't even remember the name of it - something about Jesus bringing two hearts together - horrible! But it was obviously very special to them and, who am I to talk? If I ever have a wedding, it will be full of classical music no one but me and my snobby friends want to hear.

You'll all be invited. Ankle-bracelets are to be left at the door.

-- Anonymous, May 12, 2000

I went to a Finnish wedding once. The evening reception was in a sauna, which, to my disappointment, we did not use. (That is, we only used the big living room with the fireplace, not the steam room itself.) However, there was a traditional game where the groom had to feel up the legs of half a dozen women, trying to guess which one was the bride.

-- Anonymous, May 12, 2000