I dont know where to turn. I know that I was a DV victim and I have gotten myself out of the relationships. My problem now is that I seem to keep finding myself in similar situations. How do I stop?

I also am very afraid of hurting someone. My last girlfriend was just playing and threw a pillow at me. I hit the ground in fear. I worry that I might strike her to protect myself. I have never hit a woman and I try my best to control myself. When you are afraid of getting hurt it seems very easy to hit just to protect yourself. I am 6'6" tall 220 lbs and in very good shape. I know that if I lose control and hit a woman I will cause alot of pain.

I have broken off my relationship with her but I fear that I will be in a similar situation in the future. This I worry about often.

I have looked for support groups around me (Chicago)but have failed to find any. Every one seems to think that a man my size could never be in my place.

If anyone has any advice please let me know.

Rich

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Answers

I felt the same way when I left my abusive relationship. It scared me that later in the relationship I had started emulating the violence of my abuser. I think for me what I realized was that I am not a violent man by nature, and that I was in an unusual situation, a living hell... I went to a counselor with a very specific question: "how can I make sure this never happens to me again?"

I think it takes a while... I learned about the role I played as a victim (which doesn't make me necessarily at fault, but helps me to see what I could have done differently), and as I experimented with relationships again (very tentatively at first), my fears gradually faded. I had to do a lot of introspection, though, and I talked about my experiences with more people than most, in order to learn about it. Gradually, I began to even lose my anger towards my ex, but that took a long time...

Support groups can be great, if you can find one. If you can't, try safe- support, an online support group. You can find directions for joining on the SAFE webpage. The group tends to be really quiet... I think it needs to build up a critical mass of people before it becomes as useful as I'd like. But there are a lot of the people on the list that are in similar circumstances, and very willing to provide feedback and support!

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000