Is there a group you should warn us about?

(I also have a long rant about not dating psychology majors, but that's for another time, another place)

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Answers

The Son of a Preacher Man.

Don't do it. The song lies.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

just a warning for those whose mother doesn't speak english, but tells your date (in portuguese, which was then embarassedly translated) that you have to get married in a catholic church- THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET HER. stay far, far away if the relatives are humming "ava maria" within the first two meetings.

oh- and i'd stay away from people who build you a cardboard fireplace out of boxes, red tissue, and electrical tape. future stalker. i'm not kidding.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

I was a Psychology major, now I work in computers. Pamie is dead on... DO NOT date a Psych major. I'll save my drama queen stuff for the OTHER forum, but here's why you shouldn't date a Psychology major.

Typical conversation between me and my boyfriend, in the car, Saturday afternoon:

WINDY: Are you Okay?
DAN: Yeah...
WINDY: Are you SURE? I don't think you're OK.
DAN: Yeah, I'm fine.
WINDY: Well, as long as you're sure... but if you're not, please tell me.
DAN (exasperated tone): I'm fine, just tired, I'd really like to keep driving please.
WINDY: See! I knew you weren't fine! Why didn't you tell the first three-hundred times I asked you! What the hell is wrong with you?!

We must ALWAYS find a problem, if there's not one, we'll MAKE you have one, so we can FIX it. I ask my boyfriend if he's OK, or if anything's wrong at least once every 3 minutes. It doesn't matter if we caused you the problem, we're not happy until we fix it. (Bad grammar, but I don't feel like fixing it)

If Dan ever says: You made me feel X about something... I will go analyze to death, why what I did make him feels X. I am just waiting with baited breath to bust out the Freud on him! Since psychologists can't make jack shit in the early years, we use unsuspecting friends as guinea pigs.

That's why you don't date a Psychology major.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

#1. Don't date actors. Thank you, Pamie, for your honesty. Also, don't live in their neighbourhoods, unless you want to watch your bloodpressure go through the roof every time you see them referred to in the media and on mailing lists as being "a really nice guy." FYI to you all, he is NOT a really nice guy. He is a jackass, the cops are there at least twice a week, and his friends think it is fun to piss in your driveway. Just thought you should know.

#2. Women, never date a male model. Truly, if I could be known for only one piece of advice, it would be that one. And if he models for Tommy Hilfiger or Polo, just turn around and run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. I like to call this the Shane rule of dating, after the one who kicked me out of my own bathroom while I was getting ready for our date, so that he could rewash his hair.

#3. Don't date a medical student. Wait until they get over their tragic case of Merck Manualitis before you even give them your phone number.

#4. Don't date a writer unless he can produce something that has been printed, for money. Many a woman has sacrificed her time, energy and hard earned money to support a guy because he is "so artistic", only to end up with a guy that watches daytime television and drinks secretly. Oh, and don't date a guy who spends more time *telling* you how talented he is than he does *showing* you, artistically speaking.

#5. Don't date anyone that you know has a signifigant other. That is just so tacky!

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Do not date coworkers. Ever. Or roommates (ones you weren't dating before you moved in together). Bad idea. BAD BAD BAD. One-way ticket to a life of hell. And worst of all is dating someone who is a roommate AND a coworker. You might think it's great at first, but then the newness of the relationship wears off and you're sick of them. Spending every waking moment with them is not a way to build a strong relationship. It's a way of driving yourself into an early grave.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

oh, here's one I'll probably get in trouble for saying.

Don't date your best friend from childhood. The one you've known since second grade and can recite every bit of minutia about. The one who'll cry in front of you while watching a sappy episode of All In The Family. It may seem like a good idea, but trust me -- when it ends, it's sooooooo bad.

I don't care how sweet Some Kind of Wonderful or Ally McBeal may make it look, it just isn't like that, people.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Never date a chef. Now I know your saying to yourself "but dating a chef would be great think about the food they will cook" or something close to that but I am here to tell you it is not so. My girlfriend is a chef and since she cooks all day she never wants to cook at home. Ever. Now I can understand that but the horrible part is going to dinner with a chef at a nice resturant, it's hell nothing is ever good enough or she'll sit there and tell you what every ingredient is (which I admit is useful sometimes)or she'll tell you what she would add and everything that is wrong with her dish and yours. I am not the only one who complains about this either every one of the S/O's of chef's I know complain about this. There are also the hours which are terrible. But in the end I guess it's OK I am very proud of her and I love her very much so I won't be going anywhere anytime soon. I know she does these things she does because she loves food and you can't knock her for that. And the times that she does cook at home(usually when my parents are in town) it is an amazing thing. So if you decide to date a chef be careful that you don't get sucked in or pretty soon you will end up at the table discussing what you think is missing and no meal will ever be good enough for you either.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Married people in any shape, form, or incarnation. Not even when they are separated and tell you that they are getting divorced. Not even when the papers have been filed, and it's only "one more week" until the ink is slated to hit the final decree. Definitely not when they are still living with their spouse and claim to be getting a divorce. Completely verboten is the former boyfriend/former husband of any of one's friends or acquaintances. This one should probably be listed under the category of "duh, really?", but I see it happen all the time. Lots o' sleazy people out there kiddos.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Sarah, my extra 30 pounds and I agree with you wholeheartedly. My husband is not a chef by trade, but he loves to cook at home. And he's Cajun. A stick of butter in here, a stick of butter in there. Oh my god, it's unreal! I've forced him to scale back somewhat, but I really miss all his rich foods now...and they're still with me, if you know what I mean.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

pamela,

that shit ain't funny.

hey everyone, pam's just kidding about not dating actors. it was a big joke. just a joke. hee hee. heh... hello?

shit.

(you're in BIG trouble, girlie.)

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Don't date people that hate you. Hey, it's not as easy as it sounds.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

OH! The most obvious one...don't date people that keep personal web pages or journals, because sure, when they love you they will make you sound fabulous, but the moment you break up, there they are, telling the whole web in lascivious detail your deeply personal and humiliating secrets.

And never date anyone who self styles themselves as a 'web celeb'.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

(crossing Kristin off her list of people she'd call....)

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

This goes right along with actors - on that same performance tip. Leave classical singers and instrumentalists to themselves and each other. We're freaks. We know so damn fucking much about the subtle intricacies of the chorus of Mahler's 2nd Symphony but we couldn't find our car keys if they were the only item on a small table in front of a neatly written placard reading "Your Keys."

You don't want to hear (for the millionth time) about when me and my best friend Shaun performed together in an opera scene and butchered the Italian so bad that we were crying in hysterical laughter by the end of it. That's a damn funny story to me, my friends. To you? Not so funny probably. Or the time we attended a tuba recital (yes) and a guy played, in all seriousness, "Flight of the Bumblebee." On the tuba. Do you understand why that would be heart-stoppingly hilarious? If not, then move on because this will be a story you hear for the rest of your life!

And, going to a restaurant with a bunch of singers? I dare you to have a birthday and get out without a full concert being performed, including staging and sometimes, utilizing the napkins on the table, costumes.

Sometimes we do get it on with actors because they are the only ones who will understand when you have to say something like "Sorry I can't make it to your mom's funeral. I have a rehearsal."

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Don't date stupid people.

Although, just like those people who suddenly become psychotic, it's tough to weed them out before dating them.

But, by GOD, don't let them breed.

-rich http://www.inferiority.com rich@inferiority.com

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

mama's boys, professional athletes (any), liars, cheaters, and anyone in a committed relationship (even if they think they aren't, bad ju ju, what comes around goes around.

Also, ditto what someone said about preacher's sons.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Car salesmen. They lie for a LIVING, need I say more?

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Ack! Pamie's breakin' up with me!

Pamie, I promise that if you and I ever date, and then break up, I will never use my online journal to tell the whole world about your disgusting toenail chewing habit, as long as you promise not to tell them about that bowl of ice cream that has been sitting underneath my couch for the last 7 weeks.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

ok.. i am on your badnwagon with the Psych majors and heaven forbid they friggen TEACH the subject. never again!
but here is a major NO NO
Lounge Singers
i never want to hear the phrase, "but i am a musician babe" again in my life. *caitlyn

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Stee,

yes it is funny.

love, Thetis

Engineers. They're anal. They know more math than you, and won't hesitate to use it.

Any kind of Art Type. We'll ignore you in favor of that new painting or story. We'll use every feeling we have about you in our creative endeavors. Be afraid.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Oh crap, you guys are scaring me -- I just got thrown back into the dating thing, and now I want out more than ever... are there any groups that you would all RECOMMEND? Are there good people out there? It seems like everyone's terrible...!

I have to say, though, stay the heck away from frat boys or sorority girls. Shallowness (and all that other stuff they seem to be all about) is worse than being overanalyzed by a psych major, I think.

What's wrong with dating a med student? I think med students are hot....

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

I just want to go on record and say that I may file suit against Pamela...

FOR READING MY MIND without my consent.

Today's essay couldn't have expressed my feelings better if it had taken the words straight from my mouth. I've been performing/hanging out with nothing BUT actors for almost a year, and Pam was right on the money, in my relatively limited experience. But in a very strange, twisted, self-depricating but not altogether superfluous way, today's entry was a comfort.

I was once the unwitting victim of the Actor's Relationship, and I couldn't figure out why it didn't last more than a week. What the hell had gone wrong, after intensity like that? And who the hell did she think she was, blowing me off and completely ignoring me after using me so effectively? The answer.... an Actor. That's who.

After I really fell in with the group, I became one of them: paranoid, moody, self-centered, and borderline miserable. I put them on a pedestal I couldn't explain, and I continued to adore them after three-fourths of the lot had decided they didn't need me around any longer. I don't think I've ever read anything that expressed my feelings on a subject so well.

So congrats, Pamela - you've done something few others have been successful doing, and that is deciphering the Actor's mind. It really does take one to know one. =)

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Writers. Never date writers. We're just like actors, but a hell of a lot more introverted. We're most of us complete hermits, and you aren't allowed to see ANYTHING we make unless we're happy with it, or convinced it's "finished," which is not often.
Here's a true example:
Julie's Ex: Baby, what are you doing on that computer? It's 2 AM.
Julie: I had an idea for my story, and I have to get it out now before I go to bed.
Julie's Ex: You have to be up at six tomorrow.
Julie: I know. [merrily typing away]
Julie's Ex: [climbing out of bed] Well, what is it?
Julie: What is what?
Julie's Ex: What you're working on. Tell me about it.
Julie: I'm working on it. I'm busy.
Julie's Ex: [comes up behind her]Well, can I see it?
Julie: [puts hands over the screen] NO! I'm not done, it's a first draft, I don't want you to see this yet!
Julie's Ex: That's ok, I just want to see how it's going.
Julie: [saving work and closing the program down] Forget it. I'm done. I'll go to bed. I'm done, anyway. I can't work with someone breathing down my neck like this. Idea's gone, okay? You happy now? I'll come to BED.

Repeat performance, one hour later. And why is he now my ex? He never gave me any space.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Lots of good advice here, but there's one I'd like to add: Don't date polyamorous people unless you're interested in becoming/are poly yourself. I mean it. Don't even "give it a try" unless you're willing to go through some horrendous growing pains as all your preconceived notions gets bent in new directions as you try to deal with all your socially-programmed jealousy. It hurts. It gets worse long before it gets better. You can get very, very bitter this way.

And, if you manage to sludge through to the other side, and your SO's other lovers are your friends (or lovers), then you're reallly in for it. 'Cause once you've tasted that sort of freedom; once you've had the sensitive man of your dreams Monday-Wednesday-Friday and the man you have great sex with Tuesday-Thursday-Saturday, you're gonna resent the next man who wants you all to himself. You're gonna moan and groan and wonder if you should date Mr. Wonderful even if you're single again, because that means cutting off ever again getting to share an intimate evening with ex-boyfriend X or Y, let alone giving up the occasional fling with your really cute girlfriend Z. You don't know that one man is enough anymore. You wonder if it's worth it. You wonder what happened; once upon a time you prided yourself on your fidelity and now it seems like a trap. You have to either date within the poly circles or put someone new through the conversion process you went through. You're gonna be looking at the world in a whole new way that, unfortunately, most of the world can't see yet/doesn't agree with/won't acknowledge can even work out. You're gonna have to live the rest of your life in the Bay Area or Bloomington, Indiana (or possibly Madison, Wisconsin). Your parents will never understand; your siblings may shun you or tsk quietly over your relationship problems that are almost the same as their monogamous ones, just a little more complex. You're gonna wonder why you can't go back, why you don't really want to anymore. . .

Of course, YMMV.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

I almost forgot... photographers. (My non-writing half.)
We are awful - we can't go ANYWHERE without a camera and five different kinds of film in tow, we'll take pictures of you asleep because "the light was just perfect," we stare at people, a LOT, and when we don't have our cameras with us, we'll bitch and moan about missing a "perfect shot, and it'll never look like this again." We'll criticize snapshots and family picture albums. If you get one with any computer ability, it will drag you to copies of the Enquirer and tell you "I could do a much better job pasting that dead guy in next to the Grasshopper Boy."
It's all true. I'm describing myself here. I've said these things. Even the part about the Enquirer. I suck. Never date me.

Animate.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Don't date:

1) Photojournalists, unless you're another photojournalist. We only understand each other, the hours that we work, the places we travel to, and the priorities we place upon our careers. You'll never understand why I don't want to photograph your family just because I'm a photographer by trade, and don't volunteer me to your friends and family to photograph their weddings. I shoot major league sports and things that are on fire or just exploded and crashed. I don't like photographing big white dresses and flowers. The best time of day is 2 a.m. and the best coffee is in the worst part of town, and that's usually where I like to be and when I like to be there.

2) Anyone in the first year of recovery. (Not for you're sake, for their sake. It's the last thing they need.)

3) Medical students, until the second year out of residency when they realize they've been gone from the world for almost six years.

4) Medical students in recovery. (See #2 and #3 above).

5) Programmers, unless you are a master of logic and math and can tolerate discussions that often run in an endless loop and are never resolved but just pick up at the same place and continue again later. Again. Later. Again. Later. You get the point.

6) ANYONE with a Myers-Briggs personality profile of EFPN. (Hint: look at the back seat of the car and floorboards. If you see lots of trash, old trash, like McDonald's wrappers and film canisters, then run for your life. I mean it.)

7) Anyone that makes you have this thought: "He'd (she'd) be JUST PERFECT if only I could change this one little thing...." (HINT: People don't change, and they resent the hell out of you for even trying. Take them, or leave them. Attempting to open the box and make alterations voids the warrenty.)

DO date:

1) ICU flight nurses, afraid of nothing and appreciate the fleeting fragility of life and living for the moment. Anyone who climbs in a German helicopter and goes off a seventh floor helipad in Weather From Hell in pitch black night to go out and land in a corn field or hospital or one-lane highway with no lights or landing control in order to stick their hand inside of another person's chest cavity well, let's just say it's been my experience that they seem to know how to have fun, if you know what I mean. And they have an expert's knowledge of anatomy, physiology, and they're aren't afraid of body fluids. Enough said.

2) Anyone who is truly independent, already knows who they are, what they want, and how they're going to get it, are responsible for their own lives and decisions, have made it in the world by themselves for an extended period of time, and don't need for you to do it for them or to clean up for them afterwards.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Don't date anyone who tells you that they will never love you like they loved their last significant other. Don't date anyone who asks you to not tell anyone that you are dating. Don't date anyone who has a significant other already. Don't date anyone who says that they might be leaving the country at any minute, so they don't want to get tied down. Don't date someone who is always telling you why you remind them of their mother (who they don't like). Don't date anyone who tells you they have an "interest" in computers. You'll never sleep with them. Ever.

Date: the best friend. the one you want who wants you.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Don't date:

-Your bi-polar, still legally married boss who has a four-year-old daughter, a fetish for pregnant women, and sees no reason to take his Prozac as prescribed. I never really dated him, per se, he just kind of had a thing for me. Then he didn't. Then he did. Then he didn't.

-Some guy from the Army that you met at your grandma's funeral who ended up getting married to his "friend" who was pregnant with his triplets, Alicia, Brandy, and Courtney on your birthday. I was seventeen, okay? I didn't know any better. Okay, I did, but he was cute and I thought that might make a difference. Nope.

The guy from the Army's cousin who came back from the Air Force horny and looking to score. I don't know about you, but I've got a real problem with guys who enjoy molesting girls in parking lots.

Can you tell I've had to kiss a lot of frogs? Still haven't found the prince, though.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Hey, Pamie - off the subject, but is the rest of Fiona's new CD as good as The Way Things Are is? I love that song, but are the other songs worth listening to?

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Off the subject-- yes. I like Tidal more than When the Pawn..., but they are both good.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

The comment "We love ourselves more than anyone else in the world, and we hate ourselves just as passionately at the same time" reminded me of that great quotation, "I am a piece of shit around whom the world revolves." I think Annie Lamott said it (whenever I can't remember who wrote something clever, I attribute it to her).

Have you read Annie's books? I love her writing, but sure wouldn't date her.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Oh, Pamie, you are so right about actors. I may be a rather well- known one writing under an alias (then again, I may not), but let me tell you, actor that I am, they must be THE flakiest people on earth. Unbelievable. I would never date an actor. Hypocritical, yes. But self-protective, YES. 'Kay. I'll give you a hint. I'm Australian and I SO didn't win an Oscar. Bastards.

I was in the bedroom with a past Oscar nominee (*cough* known for wearing a LOT of make-up *cough*), (*cough* his nickname out of his earshot is Warrange (as in Orange) *cough*) in the last year and, let me tell you, it's all about politics and nothing about talent, of which I'm sure you smarty-pants squishies are all aware already. Ooh, let me give ye another tidbit from our side: Hilary Swank saying "I don't know what it's like to be in love with another woman but I can imagine"...

Well, let's just say that the lady might just protest too much, and I should know...

Rrrrowr!

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

don't date a control freak. if they seem the least bit controlling it's not good since it could just get seriously worse. like forbidding you to leave the computer when you have to go out to eat and saying they'll miss you too much or do something drastic. it's not good at all since then you'll have major conflicts in your head. especially when that person is jealous of your best guy friend and won't let you hang out with him so you must sneak around when not online [yes, this has happened. internet boyfriend...not good.]

also, don't date those in the army/navy/marines/etc...they'll continue to move around a lot to different stations. unless, you want to move around with them...then no. that also goes for those that work in the government I think.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Oh, and let me just tell y'all, Russell Crowe is a fucking PSYCHO. I've worked with him, and as weird as actors are, he's WEIRD. Jodie.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Personally, I love dating actors. Then again, I've trod the boards more than few times. I'm also nuts.

Try spending time with musical actors. Lots and lots of fun, but if you thought regular actors were, ahem, expressive, wait 'til you hang out with musical actors. Especially the young ones. Talk about always being "on". Much as I love 'em, many's the time I've wondered if a real person lay under all that show.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Don't date... ANYONE with a Myers-Briggs personality profile of EFPN. (Hint: look at the back seat of the car and floorboards. If you see lots of trash, old trash, like McDonald's wrappers and film canisters, then run for your life. I mean it.)

I'm not sure, but I think Paul McCartney is ENFP (All you need is love... doesn't eat meat, yet made women scream... composes songs without knowing how to read music... was an ex-Beatle by the time he was 27, etc). I think when the ENFP's realize that they can't save the world, they learn to surrender into an unburdened charm. (Is comment this considered off-topic?)

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

sad little ENFP here....

what'd i do?

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

What do you mean? I'd scream if I saw Paul McCartney, and I don't even go that way.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Join the crowd, Leigh Anne. Shall we save the world together?

And my contribution - stockbrokers. They will be incredibly annoyed by your whimsical, "Carpe Diem", "Oh, well there was so much to do that I just forgot to actually finish college", witty personality. (Assuming you have one.) It will drive them nuts that they put on a tie every morning while you search for an unrumpled t-shirt to go with your jeans. And they refuse to sleep naked. All of them.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Good heavens! No wonder women have never been attracted to me. I'm an actor and a writer (PR stuff). And I always thought it was my big nose and weak chin. Live and learn, I suppose. I had no idea so many people wanted nothing to do with those who practice those professions.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Try very hard not to be someone's first boyfriend/girlfriend. Happens less frequently as you get older, but I landed in this cow patch twice in college. You cannot help but fail to live up to the expectations that person has built up their whole life. When they realize you are not Don Juan/Aphrodite/Warren Beatty/Mae West, they give you that you-just-sold-me-some-beach-in-Anarctica look and then you're finished.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Don't date someone who hates all your friends and has qualms about your family, too.

And stop dating someone IMMEDIATELY if they ever give you bruises (unless it's from like, accidentally elbowing you in the gut while scooping you a bowl of ice cream or something) or hit you.

I know, how obvious... but it just seemed like it needed to be said.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Don't date people who are 21 and never been in any sort of relationship with someone of the opposite sex (or same sex if the case may be). Sure, it seems sweet enough at first.

Don't date anyone who strives to be the best boyfriend you've ever had. Don't date someone who constantly asks you to rate him in comparison to another boyfriend.

Don't date the funny fat guy who turns out to be the self deprecating fat guy who is very sensitive about his weight, no matter what you say. Don't date the guy who wears the cool black hat and wire framed glasses because he likes to look dark and moody. That said, don't date anyone who wears all black or who owns more shoes than you. Don't date your best friend, sure, it seems like a good idea at first but after you break up, who will you bitch to?

Don't date someone you've broken up with more than once before. Don't date someone who dumped you for someone else, then dumped her after she had his baby. Don't date someone more obsessed with your weight than his own. Don't date someone who puts you down for exercise. Don't date those people who hold all of their anger in until they get REALLY mad.

I have a whole bunch more of these things. I have a whole list. Too bad I never follow them. :P

-a

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Well, all of the above just about covers the entire world population, except for fishermen from the Phoenix Islands, right?

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Well, Pamie, as long as you're warning everyone away from actors, I'd advise y'all to keep away from writers, too. We do all the same the shit that actors do, plus you'll eventually end up as a character in one of our short stories or novels.

;) Kate

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Here is my list, in no particular order, of the groups to avoid:

#1 Actors. Sorry stee but you guys are bad news

#2 Bartenders. Cheating lying bastards. Most of the time.

#3 Musicians. Cross an actor with a bartender, give him a guitar and you have produced one of the most dangerous creatures on earth. Back away slowly,no sudden moves, slowly...slowly...NOW RUN.

#4 Comedians. Oy. And you thought actors had problems.

#5 Writers. Self involved, pretentious and very, VERY competitive

#6 Directors. Especially if they work alot. You will never see them and they will be spending a lot of time on location. With actresses.

Also stay away from: coworkers, the unemployed, anyone who demonstrates confusion over their gender, animal haters and fans of Liza Minelli.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Oh, Sarah, don't get me started on comedians....

Want a glimpse into my own personal nightmare? I'm a writer who lives with a comedian. Hell on earth, baby....

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

I'm the most undatable person in the world, then. I'm an actor, a writer, a comic, a web designer, a journal writer and a television critic who sometimes directs and just got a digital camera.

Run away from me immediately.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

I think everyone in this forum has been deemed completely undateable for one reason or another, so we should all be VERY thankful for our significant others and pray they keep us around. My poor husband lives with an only child, ENFP, writer, nonprofit theater manager who likes to sing in the shower and spontaneously break into song at Target.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

That works really well for those of you who have significant others.
The rest of us now get to cower in a corner and wonder if we're ever going to get to meet someone.
Except now we can wory in more detail then ever before. Yay! *waving the smallest little flag in the world*

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Never date your next door neighbor, lest you break up later but still have to see each other every day, and oftentimes see their new dating partner's car spend the night at their house.

Never date a stoner, because no matter how good hearted he is, no matter how true his intentions are, if a friend asks him to smoke a bowl right before he leaves to pick you up for a date, he will obligingly smoke the bowl and then forget he ever had a date.

Never date a redneck who insists upon bringing his best friend with you wherever you go. You will end up riding in between them, with a gear shift between your legs, and you will catch the best friend watching your boobs bounce when you go over bumps because he is THAT LONELY. Also, avoid men who think going 4-wheelin' is a date.

Never date a man who insists that all televised football games must be watched with all his buddies. This can only mean one thing for you - you are stuck keeping the beer and snacks coming.

If you work at a restaurant, never date the best looking waiter there, because he will also be dating all the cute waitresses behind your back, which is why you will only be able to go out with him every 4th night.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Musicians, musicians, musicians. My experiences were with the "garage rock" variety but I'm sure they're all a pain in the ass. Always poor, always drunk, surrounded by 17 year old girls, would rather buy a new record than eat dinner with you, oh, I could go on and

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

There's NOTHING wrong with ENFPs. Dammit. *stomping foot for emphasis*

Donald doesn't know what he's talking about, Leigh-Anne.

Just an FYI: Carol Burnett, Meg Ryan, Robin Williams, Martin Short, and Sandra Bullock are all ENFPs. I challenge you to find a person who isn't at least somewhat attracted to any one of these people.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

It's also common knowledge that moths are more than somewhat fatally attracted to open flames. Same result with ENFP's. I am one, so I speak from personal experience.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

I hate having to admit this. I have no idea what the hell an ENFP person is. Will somebody help me out here?

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Lisa, it's an acronym derived from the Myers-Briggs questionnaire - it determines personality types. ENFP stands for Extroverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceptive. You can take the test at http://www.keirsey.com and get a basic idea of where you stand. It's kinda cool. We were required to take it at my former job and then go through this big 'ole workshop on it, and I really got into the whole thing.

This link describes ENFPs specifically: http://keirsey.com/personality/nfep.html

And Donald, I owe you an apology. ;)

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

I will agree with Pamie about actors (I should have known better, I am a film director).... I once dated a lead actress from the Ensemble Theatre who would lie on my living room floor and pretend to be "a piece of bacon". She would lie there and squirm intermittently discussing how you have to "become the piece of bacon...feel yourself frying in your own greases" and as the "heat" increased she squirmed and jiggled violently (looking like a person having a seizure).

How do you explain that when your folks drop in to visit????

So the moral to the story is never date an actress/actor or pork product.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Thanks Katherine! I'm going to check it out, because I'm dying to know what category I fall into. Oh, I hope I'm like Meg Ryan. Everybody loves Meg Ryan!

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Pamie, you are right on about actors! I spent the summer after graduating college as a house manager at a summer theatre filled with lots of witty, sexy acting apprentices. Talk about drama! And I'd like to add another theatre-type person: the lighting designer. I never dated actors (though I chased a few), but I got myself tangled with a couple lighting designers. People, they are *bad* news. They work crazy hours, get super cranky, think they're ar-tistes, and sometimes even do Q-to-Qs (I think that's the right term) in their sleep.

It happened. It was terribly annoying.

Other people not to date: architecture students, med students, programmers (also don't let them borrow stuff because you won't get it back), chefs (a few people mentioned this, too), and anyone who works the night shift... unless you work the night shift, too.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

I can't believe we haven't run this one into the ground, but:

Don't date the Bad Computer Geeks. The question is, how can you tell them from the Good Computer Geeks? I'll try to help.

Good: "Hey, I got your modem to work again, you don't need a new one after all." Bad: "Hang on. Hang on. I'm just going to...[long pause] What? Wait a sec, I've almost got it...shit! No, it's fine. No no, I've got it. Calm down! It's going to be fine!"

Good: "I can show you how to use that if you want. Okay, another time." Bad: "I reinstalled your computer and replaced IE with Netscape. Why are you using Microsoft products anyway?"

Good: "Well...I guess if you really want, we can rent Sixteen Candles instead of The Matrix again." Bad: "How 'bout Hackers?"

Good: "--Do you want to hear this?" Bad: "But then I realized that I hadn't changed CRYPTLIBS and the dynamic loader didn't have the right capabilities, so it couldn't find the library! Duh! And then--hang on, you can tell me about the funeral in a sec."

Yeah, you get the picture. Watch us closely. Don't let us slide. You can sometimes make a Bad Computer Geek into a good one. Most important words in this sort of relationship: "Don't fix my computer. I mean it." We learn slowly, but I swear most of us can learn.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

I'm just going to make it very easy for everyone. Lets stop all the dating, its a complete waste of time. We should all let the hair on our backs grow and live in caves. I'd MUCH prefer getting zonked over the head with a club and dragged off to a cave than to have to deal with another wacko on a date for as long as I live.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

You can date an actor just be prepared to be good at something. We loves us some talent. I don't go to talent shows anymore because I fall in love with every act. Even the 3rd grade boy who just learned how to juggle while saying the alphabet backwards....he was so hot.

For exapmle, if you are an mathematician.....bust out some of the co-sign action. If you are a baker....make me a pie. If you are a candlestick maker....pour some wax on my nipples or my unibrow. If you are in sales, show me how to bait and switch.If you are a dancer....call me. Above all if your are another actor....don't suck on stage.

-mical

-mical

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

"Pour some wax on my nipples or my unibrow..." Wow! I've never heard such an enticing 'come hither' line. Too bad I'm not a candlestick maker. I have to stick with the bait and switch crap.

I'm still laughing here - weird looks in the office abound.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Never date anyone in the Army. They never have any money because they don't make much to begin with and live off fast food. They either have a nice vehicle and no where to live or no vehicle and a nice place to live. They go away to the field, to NTC or any other kind of training and never write but get mad when you don't. They tend to try to move in with you one item at a time until they never need to go back to the barracks. They always have something wrong with them physically, bad knees, bad backs, hearing loss from being to close to artillary. They hang on to you with every last ounce of strength no matter how bad you treat them because when you live in an area with 10,000 men and 2,000 women they know they're just little fish in a big pond. They tell their friends EVERYTHING. So if you ever break up with them, none of their friends who you might have wanted to date will give you the time of day. Plus everyone in the Army hates it and can't wait to get out where they will have no real marketable skills to get a job.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Hahaha, this entry, sadly enough, made me so nostalgiac for my theater days. I thought I sucessfully exterminated the acting bug, but Pamie seemed to be able to bring it out in me, a little.

I can definitely attest to the paranoia, above all. That's what set me apart from my fellow theater students in college. they *hated* everyone who wasn't in the theater or art departments, usually because they were convinced that everyone hated us and though we were wierd. I lived in the dorms and whenever people found out I did theater they all said the same thing, "that's so cool, I wish I had the guts to do that." Not, "you're a faggot and I am going to beat your head in."

As for my list of who not to date, I must throw my weigth to musicians. I am not one myself, but having been really active in underground music for years, most of these folks are scumbags (and they're my closest friends). They are constantly being hit on, they always have to be the center of attention, they are used to having everyone kiss their ass and they will cheat on you several times at the drop of a hat.

Writers are scary too, and I should know, I am one. We're always selling someone out, usually by using our friends or lovers in our stories, articles, and essays. I'm not the "watch daytime tv and get drunk all the time" type of writer mentioned here, but my last roommate was and he constant drank away the rent and bills money, sat on his ass all day and now owes me close to two grand.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Yep, i had the bad experience with dating an actor too, so i can't disagree. Of course, i was an actress at the time, so who knows right?

I have to dispute the musician thing though. I'm with one now and this is the best relationship i've ever been in and he's the greatest person i have ever known.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

um
I'm an ENFPS.

Does that mean no one will ever want to date me? Because that wouldn't surpise me at all. Disappoint me, maybe. Surprise me, no.

I was also born the same day as Paul McArtney.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Ok, are we all arts whores (*raising hand guiltily*)? No one has said Don't date a mail carrier, accountant, or longshoreman? Bartender is the closest we've come to someone who gets their hands dirty at work. I for one am trying to kick my addiction to women who live in the realm of the self-obsessed. With an eyedropper full of success.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

McCartney.

Yeah.

And that moth attracted to open flame thing really hit home there, Don.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Like I said: "artists." Actors, painters, writers, photographers, musicians..

And Donald bears repeating:

"DO date: Anyone who is truly independent, already knows who they are, what they want, and how they're going to get it, are responsible for their own lives and decisions, have made it in the world by themselves for an extended period of time, and don't need for you to do it for them or to clean up for them afterwards."

Hear, hear!

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

my husband works the produce section at a local co-op. comes home with dirty hands.

though, he's really just a student. getting THREE majors. which fantastic ones, you might ask? history, linguistics, and dutch.

i only warn that if you've already gone through with your schooling, it can be hard being with someone who hasn't.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

My mom told me never to date a saxophonist.

What did I do when I first went to college? Dated a saxophonist.

Was she right?

Absolutely.

(you see, they never get any respect, and they have the full blown lounge act thing goin' on... let's just say the ultimate kitsch of the musicians' union)

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Damn, I'm late to the party, but here's my contribution:

Don't date journalists. Unless they have some outside interests, all they will ever talk about is work. All the time. How they're editor screwed up their story or what happened on the news that day or how they once got to meet Woodward and Bernstein and Bernstein was kind of a jerk. If you love talking about news and issues 24 hours a day, go for it. Otherwise, avoid, avoid, avoid. And despite what they say, they love seeing their byline. If they could marry it, they would.

On the other hand, journalists (print ones at least) are usually pretty smart, very funny and are very detail oriented. Of course, mixing one of these with an "artiste" can be very bad news.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

I'm not an arts whore -- so I'll add never date anyone who's looks are better than his grammar. And never date a sawmill blue-collar worker. You'll just fall madly in love with him and the fact he's rough around the edges, marry him, and pine for him while he's away. It's all so tragically painful. But happiness is everything.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Oh man... I slammed the grammar then used the wrong who's/whose. Shiiit...

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

omar, you are so right about the jouranlists. i used to be in the paper biz, and it's the whole "moth to a flame" thing. they only date each other, it's very incestuous, and it's all work talk. all the time. even in bed. it's a very narcissistic bunch. the non- performer's acting troupe...

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

I would have to contribute the indie rock boy genre. No matter how cute they may seem at first, and, BTW, Rob in High Fidelity is the perfect example, they are like a musician in the fact that they are married to the music, their art, BUT THEY DONT CREATE IT!!! So the music will come first, but there will be no good reason. Silly, even. I constantly find them attractive, but then I tell them I'm asexual.:)

Dont date anyone who is constantly being like, "but baby, I'm a (insert whatever religion here) I cant do that!" Its annoying.

Hey, to whomever contributed the "dont be someone's first boyfriend/girlfriend" thing, especially while in college, often the people who haven't had so's while in high school are very very cool, but love wasnt the thing for them. They want to learn, and they are eager, so that's a cool aspect...

But beware the Indie Rock Boy! They only like to talk about music and act all indier than thou!! And what about the film major??? Another post, I believe... (Hey Pamie, since Wes Anderson is my hero and all, and he went to UT, I just wanna know...did you know him?)

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

I have to second the whole NO on the indie rock boy/musician types. They are horrible! But SO damn cute! Such a catch-22. I mean, I LOVE music, work for a few of my friends' bands, and support my local scene like nobody's business (so they're pretty much the only types of guys I meet), but ARGH! They're SO frustrating. I've done the musician thing, and the only things they seem to be interested in are: (a) music (b) alcohol and (c) sex....lots of sex.

It's always "I can't go out with you tonight, I have band practice." Or "you know how we were gonna go see Beck? Can't go now - we're recording our demo that night." Or it's "I'm really drunk right now, and don't ever talk to you as anything more than a friend when I'm sober, but I'd really like to have sex with you. We'll just have fun, right? You won't be mad at me tomorrow, will you?" You will always be their last priority - the band ALWAYS comes first. Last guy I dated was a musician (we're still friends - he's a sweetheart), and he was all about "yeah, i want you to be my girlfriend!" and then he dumped me three weeks later because "I dont have time to date you." Grrrr.

*sigh*

I'm not bitter or anything.

Also, don't date insecure computer geeks. Especially ones who make careers out of working with computers. They have lots of money, and aren't afraid to throw it around, but the second you let them pay for a meal, they'll get pissed off and accuse you of "using" them for their money.

No, I haven't had bad experiences with guys or anything.

But hey - not all us journalist types are that bad. Sure, I like to see my work in print (then again, I just write stories for my dinky school paper, but still), but that's not all I talk about. Probably talk more about music than writing. And like someone said before, we're smart AND funny. Those are pluses, right? Right?

Damn, I'm never gonna get a date now....

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

Oh boy.

You probably shouldn't go out with anybody who calls themselves an "untrustable bitch." You have to figure that they oughta know, right? Well, listen to them! They're not kidding! This is the voice of experience talking here, folks. Also, you should give a pass to anyone, male or female, that describes themselves as a "cold fish." You'll also find out they aren't kidding. What you think is coolness or a deep sense of irony is, in fact, total emotional detachment. Nobody's home, really.

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

DO NOT DATE ENGINEERS, and be careful what you talk about if you are married to one. They will calculate, qualitate, and quantify everything. You cannot have a conversation about finances with one, he/she will always say "hold on, I have the formula for car payments/mortgage payment/income witholding in the memory of my (extremely expensive) calculator." And just because they are all brainy and organized in their mind does not mean that they will be so at home. These people run on this thought "expend as little time and energy as possible with every action" (sex not included, thank god). Like leaving every single thing out that they have ever used in their life, so to save the extra .5 seconds that it take to go retrieve it from somewhere. I have actually heard an argument that consisted of, "well, if I take the time to put my golf clubs back in the closet, I will have wasted an average of 2 minutes per day, I play golf 3 times a week, and that will average to 336 minutes per year wasted." I come from a family of engineers, they are very clean people, anal to be completely honest they worked with dangerous chemicals and the like, so I guess they have to be pretty anal. The one I married is unfortunately not THAT kind of engineer. When we first started dating, I thought it was interesting that he knew that the ketsup wouldn't come out of the bottle at a certain angle because of surface tension, and he used other words that I have forgotten. He went through this adorable explanation, it was so cute. Now, he starts explaining the reactions of things and I just want to shoot him.

I wish he was an actor.

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

http://www.auschron.com/issues/dispatch/2000-04-14/arts_feature.html

i definately wouldn't date the one on the right. kinda looks psycho.

(luv ya, andy!)

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

DO NOT date anyone who says, "You're too good for me." He/she/it knows what he/she/it is talking about.

DO NOT date an ex. Ever. Not even if you're hornier than hell and the only thing good about your former relationship was the sex. If the subject comes up (hee!) between your ex and you, run like the wind.

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

Oh dear. Please, y'all, disregard the pile of tripe that is my first post in this forum, and take away with you the message that beer, late-night truth-or-dare sessions and computers do not mix. Forgive me.

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

OK- I've just sort of lurked till now, but I have to jump in on this one. Trumpet players. Never ever date trumpet players. Having been through this FOUR TIMES you'd think I would have learned my lesson by now. They have the largest egos in the music world; they're loud, arrogant, and just generally kind of obnoxious. OK, so maybe not all of them. The worst I dated was a trumpet player and a tenor. bad bad combo there...

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

People, never date your best friend. It will always end in tears. The saddest time of my entire life was the three months after my best friend broke up with me. I was gutted.

But ignore anybody who tells you not to tangle with your flatmates. You can always move out if it all falls to pieces, and I met my husband this way. It's great - you know all their domestic habits in advance.

Don't date polo players (I know, they're not all that common, but still ...) because all they think about is polo, and they'll never go far from home because of all the ponies needing constant exercise. Even if you ride as well, you'll get sick of not being the centre of attention. However, my experience of polo players mean I rate them highly bed-wise. However, that's another story and will be told at another time.

Don't date a commerce student if you're an arts student. And vice versa.

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

jackie, "gutted" is the best way i have ever heard that experience described.

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

Don't ever date anyone who loathes their family. If you do wind up being serious (ie: marriage, living together) you will have to deal w/ their family issues constantly. It's exhausting and it won't change no matter how patient or understanding you are.

Don't date cops- it's a job that never ends. Unfortuanately, they are cops first, human beings second.

Don't ever date someone who goes from serious relationship to serious relationship to serious relationship... It's a cycle, they are afraid to be alone and that is a sign of some unhealthiness.

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

J. Allen continues:

but sometimes they are just nice people like pamie who are irresistable so they constantly end up in serious relationships one after another, not because she's needy or insecure, but rather because people love her and she loves people. she's not crazy. really. she's so datable it's scary.

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

ohhhhhhh don't date rock stars. don't marry rock stars. don't go anywhere NEAR rock stars if you value your sanity and want to be treated with respect.

and never date a man over thirty who's name ends in "ie". like, "scottie". if he insists you call him by the cutesy "ie" nickname, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. guaranteed creep. trust me.

don't date a thelemite. they can't make up their damn minds.

if you're a pagan, don't date a born-again christian. they'll just try and save you by guilt-tripping the shite out of you. they really have the best intentions and don't mean to drive you crazy, but they do. as a rule, they MUST try to convert you otherwise they aren't being a true christian.

my wise coworker suggests not dating a man who wears a lot of necklaces, or a guy who wears polyester or loud plaid sportcoats, or a guy who drives a gremlin. she also says you can date a rich man but never marry one. and a man who constantly talks about his mother is bad news. obviously my coworker is a worldly woman!

i'd like to add...how can i put this delicately? i guess i can't. never date a man who won't lick pussy.

there.

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

When Pamie advised us never to date actors, she didn't say the HALF of it. These are people who are trained to summon tears, idignant rages, achingly sincere little speeches, etc., on command... so when they're weeping, sputtering, swearing on their very lives that they would NEVER cheat on you and you are their one and only, etc., you have absolutely no way of knowing if they're telling the truth. (Hint: they probably aren't.)

Also, actors tend to have those big, noisy, "theatrical" personalities, and if you're a drama queen yourself, it can get pretty irritating to have another one around the house.

Ursula Hitler's Filthy Mind

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

Cheers, Jackie. *raising little glass*
A friend of mine is an engineer. I'm the artsy type. I have to be careful about what I say when he's around - the word "thingy," when used to describe some kind of mechanical part, sends him into screaming fits. He went on a twenty-minute rant because I said that the reason my car won't start is because it hates me.
There is nothing I can do about this. I tell him just to let me live in my delusions, and he's all "You don't have any. You're not mentally ill."
Ayy...
Nothing worse than someone who not only IS right, but is sort of arrogant about it.

Animate.

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

Where's my mind? I meant to say, Cheers, Jenn.

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

Oy. I think I might be a bad date, then. Oh well. I have an insecure, but Good, computer geek boy, and he seems to more than put up with me fine. However, as a geek, he is a little paranoid and asked me to relay the following warning:

Never try and be involved with your roommate's friends. (Even if things had worked out and she wasn't a bitch, it was still awkward.)

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

I know this may sound weird, but if you are are dog person, like I am, never, Ever, EVER date a cat person. Now I know that I will be jumped all over for this one, but there is something so unsettling about waking up with a furry creature lying across your face. My ex was so unappreciative when I woke up screaming at three in the morning and throwing an equally screaming cat across the room, Quiche was unhurt, thank God, but I was scared shitless, I mean my dog used to sleep in my bed, but she's an eighty pound german sheppard who knew her place on my bed. Another is really common sense, but never continue to date a man who invites you to a wedding, only it turns out to be his. Why that happened to me I have no idea, I knew he still dated women, but I really must have liked this jack ass, he was a good

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2000

Wow, what a depressing thread! The only people we HAVEN'T excluded from the dating pool are prison guards and rodeo clowns.

For the record, I don't trust actors, musicians, writers, atheletes or net.celebrities. They seem flighty, emotional, and unstable. And that makes me want them.

So all of you stop dating actors, musicians, writers, atheletes, and net.celebrities. That would increase my odds considerably.

So in a few months, when Charlize Theron can't find a date, she'll return my phone calls. Or at least call off the restraining order...

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2000

One more for the road.

Ranting about the hazards of dating net.people and computer geeks is one of my favorite topics.

A geek will never love you as much as they love their computer. A person with a web page will never love you as much as they love their page.

You've just finished a marathon session of passionate sex and your SO is desperate to check her email. For hours she'll sit there, reading her forums, updating her page, tending to her fans.

Fans give a person something you can't, a kind of unconditional love borne of ignorance. Fan mail (even mediocre or abusive mail) is addictive. They get addicted to the praise, and bummed out by the criticism of people who barely know them.

And while the person they really "love" is sitting behind them on the couch, they're spending their time responding to fans, posting more clever articles, and defending themselves to people who hate them.

As long as they have that computer, you'll never be the center of the attention. She's out with you, but she's thinking about the email in her inbox or the article she's going to write about this date.

It's not entirely her fault. It's an addictive activity, just like acting or singing or any other kind of performance art. The love they get from this is "better" than yours because the people clapping for her in that audience don't know her weaknesses like you do.

And this is precisely why I gave up my web page. It was consuming my life. I was spending so much time on my online "persona" that I was avoiding contact with real people.

I went to visit some geek friends in Arizona and say in cold contrast what my future would be. The wife isn't really a geek, just an introvert who likes to read books.

The husband is a computer geek. I watched him sit there for hours in front of that computer while his wife and I sat on the couch, waiting for him to acknowledge us.

I can't imagine what it's like for her alone.

I promised then and there that when I marry, my wife wouldn't be an internet widow. If we don't have anything to say, we might read books or watch tv, but we'll sit on the couch and do it TOGETHER.

The worst case I ever heard of was two internet geeks who hooked up together. They would sit back to back in the living room, talking to each other ON IRC! And they never turned around...

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2000

you've got it right jaffo!! geeez....sometimes I regret always thinking about my page. when I'm about to fall asleep I think about writing an entry about how I was like before I fall asleep. it's an addiction. yes, yes, it is.

when an internet friend came over to my house, I practically ignored him for a whole 20 minutes laughing and chatting with my other online friends and checking my mail! I realised that was horribly rude of me. he just sat there behind me playing with my video games.

then, I made sure I had a good memory of what went down while he was at my house so I could write a journal entry about it later. I'm crazy. I thought about quitting but I realise I'd be lost without somewhere to rant.

go here if you'd like to read about my wonderous [not!] life: JPL

-a

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2000

Add dancers.

Don't date us either. We're even worse than actors: take everything Pamie said and add anorexia or bulimia or both (not ALL of us, of course, but we're pretty much the Poster Children for those disorders and we know it) and the fact that we all compete with everyone else in class and rehearsals every day. And everyone in any performance or movie we go to see. Also the people we pass on the street.

Worst-case scenario: hetero dancer partnership. Trust me. I was married to another dancer for 8 years. Hell on earth. We both thought our neuroses and phobias were worse than each other's. At least we weren't competing for roles.

Add to this: he is also an actor. A very good one. You know they're good when they call you weeping about how they want to do right by you - from the new lover's apartment.

We're pretty but we don't always make good partners - well,we DO - just not - okay, you know what I meant, right?

Never mind. I'm going to go NOT eat a bag of Chips Ahoy. And maybe a bag of potato chips too.

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2000

Hmmm beggars can't be choosers, so right now I'd date any girl who just says ok sure I have some free time this weekend.

Of course just by saying that I probly just put myself in that damn "undateable" category.

Oh well guess I'll just get Resident Evil for Dreamcast then explore houston a little this weekend.

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Check out their parents first. I mean it.

You plant corn, you get corn.

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

"You plant corn, you get corn." I love it.

That said, never date:

1.) Those whose divorces are not yet finalized. (Did somebody already put this one? Never mind--it's worth repeating.)

2.) Those whose divorces ARE finalized...as of last month.

3.) PhD students. (Sorry, honey. I love you.)

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

I'm a quite sane person outside of the theater. Actually quite boring. Very diligent, frugal, disciplined, compassionate, happy, easygoing, tolerant. Something happens however when theater enters the picture. I have to tell people quite literally and honestly to not take me very seriously for a few months, because I'm about to do a transformation into a raving lunatic. Quite probably a homicidal one. I have weird thoughts when I'm doing a show. As in, "...ah, what a completely irrational way to think, feel, and behave I've discovered within myself...that would probably play well...it's a strong choice...run with that!"

and the insanity isn't just during rehearsal and show time. in fact, rehearsal and show time is the only time when the world is right. when everything seems to make sense. walk back into the real world and shit's fucked up. there's all these people that are serious about what they're doing. maybe that's what it is. maybe it's like, i'm acting. i'm serious about acting. i don't have to be serious about anything else. job? ha! whatever! they're a dime a dozen. lasting relationship with deep levels of intimacy? yeah right! love peace and harmony? love peace and harmony? oh very nice very nice very nice very nice very nice very nice - but maybe in the next world.

today's quote on my site comes from stoppard

"We're actors -- we're the opposite of people!" - Player (R&G are Dead).

www.geocities.com/jessejoker

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Someone waaaaaay back up the page asked who you should date. The answer? Geeks.

I'll say it again. Geeks.

Mind you, they will NOT live up to your (possibly unrealistic) expectations of presentability and decorum. There are worse things, however.

The following article states it better than I ever could: http://college.antioch.edu/~totally/geek.html

P.S. While I *am* a geek, I really can't be called self-serving since I'm in a commited relationship with the most wonderful person in the world. Of course, I could just be helping my fellow geeks out... =)

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2000

don't date "straight edgers". first off, anyone who proudly places themselves in a social click is a big dork. secondly, and most important, they are just no fun- yeah they live life all noble and crap, but they usually have a big chip on their shoulder and feel as if the world owes them something. and every one has a vice- just 'cause one does not partake in the more common hedonistic practices, does not mean they are well adjusted.

-- Anonymous, April 24, 2000

Pamie wrote: Don't date anyone who asks you to not tell anyone that you are dating.

D'oh!!! Walked right into that one.

Don't date the cold fishes, the ones not in touch with their feelings. Can't change them into passionate people.

I've seen bartenders (cocktail waitresses?) listed, but what about strippers? A "don't date", right?

-- Anonymous, May 11, 2000

Don't date someone who thinks "Lilith" is an ideal mate. (this is the cold fish variety)

Don't date the life of the party. (not to be confused with charming funny people) It usually means he/she needs to be in AA/NA or some type of rehab. They're psychic vampires.

Don't date lawyers or law students. I'm a law student. I know. We spend so much time studying that we'll tell you about stupid things like "Rule of Perpetuities" There are also lots of heavy drinking AA bound alcoholics in this category. They also learn how to "frame" and argument (this is also called spin or lying by non-lawyer folks). Bad Bad Bad.

-- Anonymous, May 12, 2000

Well, I guess we haven't eliminated relatives, have we? Or the homeless. Or Norweigans (as a general class, that is). So maybe there ARE a few people left to populate the dating pool...

Still, I wouldn't recommend dating your boyfriend's brother--or his father, either, no matter how cute he is. It could make family gatherings really sticky.

Okay, get your mind out of the gutter. Oh, and although I'm not jealous by nature, if I find out you've been dating my boyfriend, you might wanna back up your hard drive. Things could get ugly...

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2000

I'm getting a little nervous about that whole "not being someone's first nonplatonic relationship" thing. I will never know love if you guys all boycott me. (In case you're wondering, I'm fourteen...not amazingly pathetic. And I have dated, but mainly they were closet pyromaniacs, so I don't count them.)

To add to the Erika Will Be A Dateless Wonder score, I want to be either a writer, a psychiatrist or a journalist. And I enjoy photography and acting. And as for Norwegians still being safe ground, let me assure you that I am one and they are not.

Run, everyone! It's too late for me (possibly) but you can still save yourselves!

(I'm going to marry my cat.)

-- Anonymous, June 01, 2000

It's too late for a fourteen-year old?! Oh God. What is this world coming to....

-- Anonymous, June 06, 2000

never, ever date (or marry-uff da!) anyone with bipolar disorder, even if they are currently on medication that seems to help. eventually, they will go off the meds and become a completely different person.

-- Anonymous, April 03, 2001

Married men.

This may seem like a no-brainer but when he sneaks under your radar by charming you with sensitive conversation, good red wine and gorgeously adoring gazes in your direction, you may not hear the true levels of meeting in the phrase : "I should tell you, I just want to be honest, I don't want to mess this up with you - I'm going through a divorce."

Ladies, ladies, ladies (and boys, too!!!) - "going through a divorce" is a far cry from "I'm divorced." It is an even farther cry from "I'm divorced, over it and emotionally functional." The most important part of this phrase is "going through a divorce." It means that the man is still married. From this jumping off point, any number of scenarios are possible, including but not limited to: He's lying. He just wants you. Bad.

He may leave his wife, but he will not leave her for you. Cheating is a symptom of a bigger problem. Infidelity is a character trait.

He may leave his wife. He may leave her for you. Then he will leave you. He will leave you for girl #3.

If you have the pleasure of still being in the picture when the wifey- poo finds out about you, you can proceed to feel like like hell and consider part of the world (her little enclave of family and friends) permanently off-limits to you. Plus his family and children (even MORE complicated) will always hate you for what YOU DID TO THEIR FAMILY. Never mind the fact that when you met him he told you he was "going through a divorce."

Married men are married. You are not. If you are, you should already know NOT to date married men because you are married to a married man and look how that's turning out! You are young, beautiful and a hell of a catch. He - obviously - is not.

I would say that this is one of the stupidest things of all time to get your self involved in.

There are lots of cute single boys who are also emotionally crippled "challenge" types. If you must date a bad boy, make it one who isn't married.

And as a theatre person myself - I would agree with you half the time about your vitriol towards actors. However. If the ACTOR IS A MARRIED ACTOR (the worst POSSIBLE scenario) then consider yourself DOUBLE WARNED and TOTALLY SCREWED. (the bad kind)

-- Anonymous, February 19, 2002