BBSCLFA Cup FINAL

The great day has finally dawned for the fans of ITK World Beaters and Beardo United. On this beautiful, balmy, Spring morning, the laughing, singing fans can be seen sliding down Tesco Way on the ice which surrounds Kingston Park for the radius of one mile. It is difficult to distinguish which side is which, since they are all wearing their traditional black and white stripes, and are united in swearing about the localised cold snap.

Kingston Park itself has never looked better, as the fans squat, sheltering from the gale in the shadow of the famous Twin Burger Vans. Red noses are being warmed by steaming cups of Bovril clasped by purple fingers.

The two teams have elected to play in their traditional colours, so ITK World Beaters will be wearing black shirts with white stripes, while Beardo United will wear white shirts with black stripes. Beardo United unfortunately lost the toss and will be appearing in the dodgy white shorts and socks.

This is nothing compared to the confusion caused by the fact that several players will be appearing for both sides simultaneously, so the commentators have sensibly opted to shut up and let Big Fat Ron Atkinson describe the action in his own inimitable way, since he never makes any sense anyway and will therefore be unimpeded. Elsewhere in the press gallery, Alan Green has strormed off after being told that the United in question didnt used to be called Newton Heath and that he would be fined for talking about the soup instead of the action. He will not be missed.

More updates as the day goes on. Kickoff is expected at 12.30pm

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2000

Answers

Absolutely wonderful news about Alan Green....I can't stand the s@d, hopefully he will have taken Mark Lawrenson with him......as I dislike him even more.

Looking forward to a good game, the fans are really up for it and the lads are responding well to that, and it is great for the area.....two teams in B&W in the Cup Final has to be good news. anyway....if kick off is at 12.30.....it is now 12.15 so I will say thank you for all your support, a reasonable amount of good luck to Beardo United and I will now take my leave of you as I have to brief the lads on the game plan before they head out onto the hallowed (or should that be hollowed) turf of Kingston Park.....

Hawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwway the World Beaters!

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2000

The Road to Kingston Park

It is always fitting to review how the teams found their way to the final. We will start with Beardo United who have had to play an extra round. Despite finishing well in the League, the start to their season was poor enough to see them entered in Round 1:

Round 1

Beardo United

1-1

Pilgrims Converts

This forced United into a replay at the hard-pressed Converts ground.

Round 1 Replay

Pilgrims Converts

4-5 (AET)

Beardo United

This high scoring but close fought encountered provided the impetus for the rest of Uniteds campaign. 7 of the 9 goals came during the period of extra time and the scenes of celebration when the rollercoaster finally came to a halt were something to behold.

Round 2

Houston Ferrets United

4-5

Beardo United

Another high-scoring game and another amazing away-victory for Beardo United in this, the first, battle of the Uniteds.

Quarter Final

Scratchys Scrotums

1-3

Beardo United

This emphatic victory over highly-respected opposition announced to the world at large that Beardo United had claimed their place amongst the footballing high-flyers.

Semi Final

Beardo United

2-0

Stephs Superstars

The game which had all the bookies rewriting the form book. United swept passed the runaway League leaders into the Final. Total shock to all but the inscrutable United manager, who had planned this campaign with such care.

What of their opponents in the Final? ITK World Beaters were an early entry to the League, although administrative problems meant that Newton Heath had usurped their place in the Corinthian League. This fault was put right, although many were shocked by the lack of grace shown by the ITK World Beaters manager over this affair. Still, a bright start to the season kept them out of the Cup until Round 2:

Round 2

ITKWB

4-2

Cliffs Corinthian Casuals

The first opponents were swept away with ease, as two second half goals finished a match that had been all square at half time.

Quarter Final

MacBeths Marauders

1-2

ITKWB

A professional display against one of the bottom clubs in the League brought out a side to the manager which caused concern across the game at large. Far from extending the hand of sportsmanship in true, Corinthian fashion, ITK made slighting remarks about the Marauders and crowed upon his victory. A sign of things to come.

Semi Final

ITKWB

2-0

Wallsend Old Boys

Another campaign of Taggartliness in the press preceded this fixture, and there was an audible groan at grounds around the country when this result was announced. Far from learning from this unpopularity, however, ITK launched into another assault on Beardo United, surely the neutrals favourite this year.

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2000

I feel under a great deal of pressure here you know......the ranting are never meant to hurt anyone, they are always only ever mind games to try and give me the edge....sorry if it has upset anyone......NOT

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2000

The Opening Exchanges

The noise here is incredible. Both sets of fans are as vocal as you could hope to find. The managers have taken their places on the bench after being presented along with the teams to the visiting Royalty. In this case it was King Bobby of the Geordies, who was particularly delighted to meet fellow Geordies Peter Beardsley, Captain of both teams, Alan Shearer, number 9 in both teams, Robbie Elliott, of Beardo United, Steve Harper, keeper with both teams, and Pavel Srnicek of ITK World Beaters. The atmosphere is electric and the singing is thankfully keeping everyone warm.

The referee, Mr I Mahomer from Blindasabat, blows his whistle and this historic (after today) match is underway.

Lots of early pressure here as Steve Harper races from one end of the pitch to the other to cover both goals. Shearer has drifted into an offside position in the United half.wait a moment, he has just placed a velcro-backed Beardo United badge over the World Beaters badge to indicate that he has changed sides. The World Beaters through ball has now become an interception. He is racing into ITKs half, nobody is sure whether or not to tackle him.he is bearing down on the goal.he shoots..

GOOOOAAAALLLLL!!!!!

Well, what a talking point here at Kingston Park! More as it comes in.

Beardo United

1-0

ITK World Beaters

Shearer

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2000

Well, as you rejoin us here at Kingston Park, the manager of ITK World Beaters is having to be restrained by the fourth official, Nev Erknewmydad, as he screams abuse at his turncoat number 9. Alan merely shrugs his shoulders and gets on with the game. The World Beaters, despite being down to 10 men, manage to force a corner. Glass crosses but only reaches the first defender, Big Al, whoI cant believe this, hes headed straight passed the United keeper. He has whipped off the Beardo United badge, kissed the ITK World Beaters badge beneath and gone racing towards the supporters who were cursing him moments before.

Beardo United

1-1

ITK World Beaters

Shearer..Shearer

Extraordinary

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2000

This has almost descended into high farce. Shearer has scored another 4 goals, 2 for each side and both managers have had enough and substituted him together with Harper. Unfortunately, they left Stephen Glass on who also scored for both sides. They have now compared team sheets and whittled the teams down to unique players at half time. The game will now be played out between: Beardo United Hislop
Griffin Howey Goma Elliott
Barnes

ITK World Beaters Srnicek
Charvet Dabizas Dumas Beresford
Hamann

Obviously the game loses a certain something as a spectacle with only 6 players on each side, and it may come down to the relative fitness levels of the front players. Youd have to say that on paper, Hamann is likely to last the difference somewhat better than Barnes.

Beardo United

4-4

ITK World Beaters

Shearer 3..Shearer 3 Glass.Glass

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2000

Oops! That should read:

This has almost descended into high farce. Shearer has scored another 4 goals, 2 for each side and both managers have had enough and substituted him together with Harper. Unfortunately, they left Stephen Glass on who also scored for both sides. They have now compared team sheets and whittled the teams down to unique players at half time. The game will now be played out between:

Beardo United
Hislop
Griffin Howey Goma Elliott
Barnes

ITK World Beaters
Srnicek
Charvet Dabizas Dumas Beresford
Hamann

Obviously the game loses a certain something as a spectacle with only 6 players on each side, and it may come down to the relative fitness levels of the front players. Youd have to say that on paper, Hamann is likely to last the difference somewhat better than Barnes.

Beardo United

4-4

ITK World Beaters

Shearer 3..Shearer 3
Glass.Glass

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2000

The second half has obviously been an open affair, but the experience of Beresford, Charvet and Dumas is gaining the edge over Griffin, Robbie Elliott and Goma. Howey and Dabizas are each outdoing one- another in the dodgy backpass stakes.

As the final minutes of the tie tick away, we are facing the horror of possible extra time. Wait a moment, Srnicek bowls the ball out to Beresford, he has the beating of young Griffin, and floats an exquisite cross out to Charvet. Charvet is hacked down by Robbie Elliott, once again letting youthful exuberance get the better of him. Hamann beats Barnes to the loose ball. He squares it to the stocky figure of Franck Dumas who floats it into the area. Howey races across to cover but his ankle gives way leaving him writhing in agony, Shakey Hislop flaps at the ball. Who is that rising at the far post? Its Dabizas! He powers the header goalwards

Gooooaaaallllll!!!!!

The ref looks at his watch and blows the final whistle. ITK World Beaters have won the first ever BBS Corinthian League FA Cup.

Team	Result	Team
Beardo United	4-5	ITK World Beaters

Shearer 3..Shearer 3
Glass.Glass
.Dabizas

Kingston Park errupts. The two sets of supporters shake hands as do the players, many of them with themselves. King Bobby presents the Cup to Peter Beardsley, skipper of both teams, and the supporters of both teams cheer themselves hoarse. The Kingston Park DJ decides to play something catchy, but is fortunately prevented from this course of action by a man with a shirt with Softie on the back, who took a hammer to the DJs record collection and pushed the pieces somewhere they would be painful to retrieve. The Greek international is carried around the edge of the pitch by his team mates and is quite overcome by the rapturous applause. Who can deny the sense of tradition in holding the final beneath the shadow of the Twin Burger Vans? Nowhere else boasts such a prestigious competition. What a Cup. What a game. What a day for the BBS Corinthian League.

This very silly football match draws a line under the inaugural BBSCL season. With the two teams to win silverware also displaying the least Corinthian spirit, one can only wonder whither the competition is headed from here. Hopefully you will all sign up for the new improved Corinthian Premier League, if you have not already done so, and I assure you that the new points system will prevent a repeat of this bizarre Cup Final, where the players appear for both teams..

I thank you.

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2000

Oh yes, in case anybody's interested, the source for this match was the following three games:
1998-9 Derby H, (Dabizas, Glass)
1998-9 Spurs Semi (Shearer x 2) 1996-7 Charlton Cup Replay (Clark, Shearer)

So now you know :-)

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2000

A MESSAGE FROM THE MANAGER OF THE ITK WORLD BEATERS:

Well, what can I say.....I am over the moon and highly delighted...what a great day...winning the first ever BBS Corinthian League FA Cup Final and celebrating my young daughters 10th birthday on the same day.

I would like to say a great big thank you to Beardo, the manager of Beardo United who, despite my little and occasional tantrums, managed to keep his boys level headed and focused for the final. It is no disgrace to lose a match by the odd goal in 9. His astute and well thought out game plan went a long way to making the game what it was. In the end, a nine goal, six a side thriller.

I would also like to extend a vote of thanks to the organiser and chairman of the BBS Corinthians League, young Mr Softie, for it is he and his stoic work both here and on the previous ship, the HMS Communicata, who has made this historic first win possible.

There have been times, throughout the last few weeks, when the going was getting tough, that tempers got a little frayed, and I think a few harsh words were spoken on the subject of the cup run..well at this point in the proceedings, I would like to offer the hand of friendship, the olive branch of peace, nay the cup of honey borne on the wings of a dove that brings peace, harmony and tranquillity back to the pages of the thread know as the BBS Corinthian League.

Words, for that is all they were, may cut a deep swathe at the time and may hurt the pride, but at the end of the day, the calling of the final whistle, the zenith of the fruitful ride, words alone can do no lasting harm, as has oft been know to be said in the playground of this fair and pleasant land, stick and stones may break my bones, but names, thats right, names, will never hurt meI meant no harm by any harsh words I may have uttered along the way,

Tactics, for that is what they were, Tactics, like life itself, have to be as carefully drawn and worked out as lines on a battlefield, so that the panacea of all that is good and class comes together in fruitfulness when the trophys of life are presented.

In conclusion, I would like to say that I am very proud of what my team has achieved, and they have achieved it in a very short period of time it has to be said, to finish fourth in the league and to win the cup is no mean achievement for a fledgling side, and I would like to raise a glass on behalf of my players and say to the rest of the managers in the league, a very big CHEERS, GOOD HEALTH AND HAPPINESS and we will look forward to another good season of battle, fight, attack and counter attack next season.

And that was all GENUINE AND FROM THE HEART.

WELL DONE SOFTIE, IT HAS BEEN A GREAT COMPETITIONKEEP IT UP NEXT SEASON MATE.

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2000

Bollocks.......is all I can say to that. Another Fergie type effort to weasel your way out of being the most hated team. I suppose we're all jealous etc etc. Roll on next seasons cup.....He He He He

Not that I'm a bad loser or anything.!!

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2000

I can't bliddy win.....nasty and I've got the most hated team in the league....be nice and I'm told I'm trying to weasle out and am talking bollocks....I bet YBR never has this kind of trouble when he has the occassional tantrum........

And on top of that....some tw@t has nicked my bliddy coat from just beside the door, so I can't even leave in a stormy fashion, grabbing my coat and slamming the door.

Ah well.......if you think its bollox, then its bollox!

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2000