I notice that I put too many lovelovelove forum topics in here and neglect my single-living brothers and sisters.

Here's a chance to bond with bad-ass single stories. Give Trejo the love.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

Answers

(sob)

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

Ha! Try single life for six or seven years and see how you like it.

You don't.

You try all of that "I am an Independent Woman, I don't have to have some man around telling me what to do" stuff, and it doesn't quite work. A teddy bear in the bed just isn't the same. There's a really good descriptive Tom Waits song about this on the "Nighthawks at the Diner" album, I can't remember the song title right now.

Also, after years and years, you become both more and less particular about people. As in "I can't stand someone who smokes" and "I don't care what he's smokin', I'm desperate" all at the same time. Do not ask me to explain this. It just is.

You go through phases of "Ah, the monastic joys of celibacy! I love the lack of distractions in my wonderful single life" followed by "I need someone, anyone, in this bedroom, right damn now -- forget the bedroom, on the sofa, in the back seat of the car, wherever."

Right now I'm happy exactly where I am. This should last at least another half hour or so.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

Oh please ! I just gotta put my two cents in here...

I've been married for less than a year and I'm all for the single life again! As much as I love the Hubster, I yearn for the days of doing whatever I wanted without a thought to somebody else's FEELINGS. The freedom of going to bed when YOU feel like it, eating what YOU want, Staying up all night doing whatever YOU want just because YOU can,spending an entire day in grubbin' clothes, listening to the music that YOU like (the list goes on and on)... I'm so jealous of you single people, I could just SPIT! *grin*

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

Well, I was just going to say "it sucks," but it doesn't suck *all* the time.

I don't have anyone spending my money. I don't have to do someone else's skanky laundry. I don't have to report back home if I decide to do something on the spur of the moment.

I'm lonely much of the time, and you know what? It's still better than being in a relationship that's going sour. I've been lonely single and I've been lonely in a marriage, and being lonely married is much, much, much worse. At least there's not a bitter, sulking heap in my bed with his back turned to me every night.

Yeah, I'd rather have a relationship than be alone. But alone isn't the worst thing in the world. Trust me on this one.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

after 3.5 years of marriage, i'm with nance. all the way.

somebody post some good single stories for us to enjoy vicariously. excuse me, i have to go re-adjust my ball and chain.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

Right there with Jette!

Some of it is fun, some of it isn't. I think the worst is the craving for sex, companionship is covered by friends. Sex though is more tricky. That and wildly oscillating mood swings - 'I Love being single - I can do what I want, when I want, with who I want' - then 20 minutes later (especially when under the influence of some alcohol) '*sniffle* I'm so lonely, I'm going to die old and unloved, why can't I find someone?' Then again by now I know if I ignore it for a while it usually goes away.

C. Just Stopping By

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

The grass is always greener...

No exciting single stories here, except for one bit of advice. If you're looking to stay single and unattatched, get a job like mine that involves working numerous nights and weekends. Works like a charm.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

Singletons vs. Smug Marrieds - Bridget Jones' Diary pt 2 put it all in perspective.

Kinda.

At least when you're single you're thinner? Does that count as a plus??

These florescent lights have seeped into my brain - ignore the nonsense.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

I'm 38. I'm single. I worry about being the old lady on the cul-de-sac with 42 cats. I'm finally progressing and sought out a realtor. I figure if all the men I know say, "Y'know, you're a really great girl, but I like you just like a sister, or a friend," or the usual, "Y'know, Vic, you're a great girl, I love spending time with you, but I like THAT GIRL, that one OVER THERE, better. But, thanks, thanks loads for your time." -- I better prepare myself to live life on my own terms.

All my married friends swear married life is the way to go, but I can't see all the daily hassles involved. You have to worry about someone else, and what if you piss 'em off, or what if you come home from work in a less than perfect mood and they think you're pissed off. Way too much hassle. I don't crave kids -- yet. But, like all you other single people, there are moments you want sex. Or moments when you're driving home fantasizing about that one guy who knows you, who you have great conversations with, but probably doesn't think of you "that way," and how, oh how can you ask him out without looking "single and desperate."

But, despite all that, bein' single ain't so bad.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

Official endorsement for Trejo: Ladies, give him a try. He's smooth like da honey and sweet like the... um, honey I guess. Mad props all around. He'll be the fly in some sweet lady's ointment.

Oh, and being single sucks. I mean, it's great if you like to hang out with your friends a lot, but even they get tired of your ass after a while.

Good luck, mikey.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

I guess single life might be better if we weren't still living together and spending all of our time together. Or maybe not. Maybe that would be much, much worse.

I enjoyed being single. I didn't really ever want to do it again. I kind of liked my settled homelife. I'm sure I'll be okay as a single person; I have no problem being on my own. But I like being part of a couple much better.

What I'm really dreading is dating. I don't ever want to date again. Dating is hell. No dating.

Um, yeah. Why am I answering this question again?

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

I've been single for about a year now and I'm getting a little tired of it. But it has been ten thousand times better than the relationship I escaped... I mean left.

I guess singlehood overall isn't so awful. In fact, there are some parts I absolutely love, like getting to hog the whole bed, eating popcorn for dinner if I feel like it, and going home when I'm ready after a night out.

Things I miss about being half of two are holding hands during the movies, trying out new restaurants together, and holidays.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

Ugh. Single.

Ugh. Married.

here really is no good solution other than domestic partners with an open understanding. Because, like, whoever you decide you love and are perfect for and end up marrying, well, yeah, they'll probably be great for the rest of your life, but you alway end up meeting someone else who, if you didn't already get married, you probably would have ended up marrying.

then of course, if you ended up marrying them, you'll end up meeting that third person that you would have married. Of course, if you don't marry that first person, you'll kick yourself in the head every day until you meet that second person.

and so on and so on.

Life is a bitch, ain't it? Trey's got it right. Masterbation is so much easier.

-rich http://www.inferiority.com

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

The single life? How do you THINK it is?

And I suppose the grass is always greener, right? Smug Marrieds and Relationship Types crow about how great it is to be a Singleton, and we Singletons bitch about being lonely. Only... not always. This time last August, I was just getting to be a Relationship Type again and I had no complaints. It wasn't until a week later, when she started hounding me for sex, that I became increasingly disenchanted.

The freedom is nice. The masturbation is wonderful, I can tell you. But single life is an optical illusion, that great blue oasis off in the distance that offers nothing once you reach it. The trick is to never settle for the mouthful of sand and wet sheets you experience as a Singleton, but to get out there and find your Mary (or Rhoda, if she's more to your fancy). And then you can really say, we're going to make it after all. =)

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

The skinny when single myth is a lie!!

Marriage, in my experience makes you more poor, and it's hard to gain weight when you are saving for a house and the future and you don't have the money to buy extravagant groceries!!! Marriage has made me thinner. When I was single, I ate out all the time and drank way too much to be thin.

I don't miss being single too much(well, ok there is the daily moment when I want to get in my car and get the hell out of here! But other than that it is really nice to have a constant, especially in that area). And I don't think my husband does either. Oh he talks the big talk when his friends are around. But a few times he has gone out of town with his friends, or I have gone home to see my family. He suffers. Believe me. He can't wait to get home to me, or for me to get home to him. He attacks me. And he complains about his friends. Scott snored all night long, Donald met some girl and wouldn't leave the bar until she left. You get use to someone and their habits. Sometimes you take them for granted. A little time away usually fixes that.

But sometimes I envy you single people. I always tell my sisters and single friends, not to wish to settle down too soon. The freedom you have when you are single? Well you never have that again after marriage. You can never be selfish and think only about yourself. You will always have at least one other life to figure in to the picture.

So date a lot. Party a lot. Enjoy your friends. Have hot sex. But don't rush yourself in your escape from singleville, it's a very nice place to be.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

I'm about done with this single thing. Ready to make that commitment. Ready to settle down. Yup. Ready.

*whistle* *chirping crickets*

Okay, guys! I said I'm ready! Husband material here!

*sound of wind through the trees*

Crap.

I hate hate hate being single. You'd think I'd have gotten good at it, having been single for five or six years now, but I haven't. I have no idea of how to act on a date. I'm too chickenshit to ask someone out, and when I do, I spend the whole time thinking of Reasons Why He Hates Me.

Being part of a couple is where I feel best. I'm an incredible romantic, and when you make grand gestures as part of a couple, it's considered heartfelt and lovely.

Making grand gestures when you're single makes the other man think you're Creepy Stalker Guy.

Saying you like to be with someone makes everyone think you're a Great Sucking Black Hole of Need.

Which, in a way, is true. Don't get too close, I don't think even light can escape.

Wow. I'm upbeat. Wonder why I'm still single?

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

I've been single for the past six years and am definitely in the "I miss having someone" stage. Being single has been good for me. I've learned how to stand on mine own. I can confidently say that I don't need a man to support me. But all that confidence doesn't do much for you when every station on the TV is showing couples kissing and falling in love. I miss waking up with someone, sharing special moments, reading together on the couch. The biggest thing I'm noticing is that 27 and single is much different than being in high school or college and single. I find that I am much pickier about men and find them harder to meet - especially true since I'm overweight and don't frequent bars. And the sex - well, I try not to think about it. Not hard really since I can hardly remember it - once in six years does not leave much for remembering.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

For all of the comments addressing our craving for sex when we are single: I remember when they were doing those sex studies 10 years ago, one of the things they found was that single people masturbated less than coupled people. They did say that couples had more sex than single people, but they also said that 87% of married men cheated on their wives. All of those couples you see walking down the street you think have their act together? I wouldn't count on them being less lonely than you.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

Woo hoo.

I kind of hope not to be living alone all of the time for the rest of my life, but I also can't imagine giving up my clean apartment where everything fits my taste and no one else's junk litters my world, and I can sing along to the Old 97s or do Tae-Bo in my underwear and no one has a word to say about it (except meow).

I like to be able to go home at night and not have to deal with anyone whining at me because I'd rather read a book at the moment than gaze devotedly into his eyes. I like to be able to have strawberries and cheese for dinner at 10:00 p.m. and not worry about what anyone will think.

Expectations are always clear when you're living alone. I never have to make a choice between passive-aggressively waiting for someone to take their turn at cleaning the litterbox or having a confrontation. I never have to mop the floor because someone else pretended incompetence to get out of doing it, and I would have spent more time showing him how to do it than doing it myself.

Boy-girl living-together situations can be really annoying. Some studies seem to show that men benefit far more from living with women than the other way around. Most of my domestic partnerships have seemed to include the assumption that, as the girl, I am somehow responsible for taking care of the boy. Even when it's been explicitly discussed and agreed that domestic responsibilities should be shared, I'm always the one who is "on top of" things, which makes me feel like a nagging hausfrau when I remind the hapless boy (who has clearly forgotten) that it's his turn to do something. And that's not to mention the "emotional nurturing" that is also, somehow, clearly expected and not effectively returned.

I will think long and hard before I ever merge my finances with anyone else's. I will think long and hard before I sell/give away my stuff that duplicates someone else's stuff, only to have to buy said stuff again several years later. I'll think long and hard about moving in with anyone if it will involve giving up my pets or changing my dietary habits.

Whoa, someone's bitter. I'm sure I'll get over it in time.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

i was going to say "being single sucks ass!", but then, when i really think about it, being single isn't so bad. you can go where you want when you want, see who you want when you want, and don't have to answer to anybody. you can hang out with your friends, go shopping, go to the beach, watch what you want to on the tv. you don't have to worry about decorating around his crappy stuff, or being groped in the middle of the night, having to practically beat the sonofabitch off you! you can eat healthy foods without having to hear someone across the table from you gripe and whine about it (unless you have kids), and you can keep your nice car in the garage rather than someone's crappy tools or fishing gear (although i do like to fish, sometimes!)! yeah, being single isn't so bad after all! sure, i sometimes miss the companionship aspect of relationships, but i've got lots of friends and family and hobbies and stuff, so it's really not that big a deal! being single rocks!

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

about 30 minutes ago, me and my boyfreind broke up. not a bad break up, just one of those "ya know how they say if you love something let it go, and if it comes back then it's meant to be? well let's try that"

actually, i missed single life. a lot. i missed knowing that i'm available and that anything can happen with anyone, no strings attached.

i especially missed NOT being responsible for other people's emotions, and having to constantly be aware of them with everything i did or said.

i'm sad, but i'm sure it's for the best. it just didn't feel right anymore, and i was being way too much of a flirt with a bunch of other guys and i know that's just wrong.

i'm a lousy girlfriend.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

I wouldn't mind being single if I were getting more sex!

See, until the beginning of this year, I had the perfect system: no boyfriend, but I had three male friends who between them fulfilled all my needs. One was an old friend from college who I felt totally comfortable with and with whom I could talk with about anything. Another friend liked the same movies and restaurants as I did, so we would always go out together. A third friend (an ex-boyfriend) was my source of cheap, meaningless (but terrific) sex. But then he got a girlfriend, so now I'm out of luck. I guess two out of three isn't so bad, though.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

Fuck buddies. Yum.

Nothing beats a good fuck buddy.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

Where were all these women willing to live the single life and keep some fuck buddies on the side when I was single?

Now that I'm married, they all come out and say 'oh, it's too bad you're married.' Sheesh. I should have stayed single.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

rich, i hear you!!!! where were all these guys who wanted to sleep with me when i was single and available? they all came oozing out of the woodwork after i walked down the aisle. WTF?! perhaps the confidence you gain from being in a healthy relationship gives you that "come hither" glow, i don't know, but it's very frustrating.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

Totally true.

I was totally infatuated with this one guy in college. All I could squeeze out of him was a one night stand.

A week before I got married he tracked me down. He told me that night was one of the best nights of his life. He told me he would always regret me and I was the most beautiful woman inside and out, that he had ever known.

Why did I look so much more appealing off the market than on?

Typical.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

i just gave up a wonderful relationship for the single life. not to date some one new ('cause if you always have a date then you are not single, so stop your whinning), but so i could be single. in my experience being with some one is easy. being by yourself and not being lonely is a challenge, and i have mastered it. i am destined to have a serious fear of commitment for the rest of my life, and i look forward to it. so here is your happy single life story. it is a choice i have made for myself, no self pity, and very little loneliness (get a cat/dog/roomate). right now i am a happy single-by- choice gal that will go out on the town by myself, because all of my friends are working out problems in their seriosly disfunctional relationships.

but some day, i do hope to get over myself and all of my head trips.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

Oh yeah, try being single in high school. Fun stuff let me tell you. Especially around homecoming and prom time when you have no "built-in date" and you have you tell your co-workers (all 40 years older than you and living vicariously through you) that you have no date and are going with friends. Except, none of your single friends actually want to go to the dance and you have to beg them to go with you. Yeah, lots of fun.

It also helps my self-esteem when my friends (female and male) tell me that I'm gonna be "that woman who lives in her apartment with her 60 cats - only you're going to have 60 goldfish!" Thanks guys!

Or no. The kicker. Having a twin sister thinner (though not anymore - ha!), cuter (yuck), and with clearer skin than you do...and all the guys love her. However, now she has a very nice boyfriend who bought her a dozen roses, chocolate and a stuffed bear for Valentine's Day. Damnit. At least I don't stuff my bra like her.

Bitter, much?

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

I absolutely love being single. Love it, love it, love it. The only thing I hate about being single are my married or seriously coupled friends who tell me that 'one day I'll find a nice man to settle down with'.

I like the freedom & the space. And I like people who tell me they live vicariously through my single stories. I like that I can sleep with whomever I feel like whenever I feel like. I like that I can ponder moving to New Orleans and not worry about clearing it with someone else. I like not having my life tied to someone else's in such a serious way. I love dating.

So, I just wanted to counteract some of those lonely single posts above. I can understand how someone would feel that way and I can understand how happy people can be in a relationship, but I just love the single life.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

I wish there was a way to take the perks of both. I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to spend all my time with someone. I need my freedom right now. I like being able to do what I want and go where I want when I want. It's nice. But on the other hand, I miss having someone there for me. I had a random hook-up over spring break with a good friend of mine, and it was wonderful. He held my hand, protected me from the evil cold wind (yes, we all went somewhere cold for break), made me feel beautiful and loved. But he wanted a relationship, and I couldn't give that to him, so I had to call the whole thing off. I'm not sure if I regret that or not.

But I guess it's near to impossible to have the best of both worlds.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

Actually, I like being single. Oh sure, there's times when it'd be nice to have someone around....but my idea of the perfect marriage is a duplex. I like having my own space far, far too much. I've never lived with a guy, but I've done the roommate thing, and quite frankly, it will take someone incredibly special for me to want to *share* again.

Besides. When I'm single, noone cares if I stay up til 3am, or wear sweats all day, or eat dinner in bed, or have 7 cats.....and being that crazy old cat lady at the end of the street really isn't so scary a prospect for me. And if you're like me and don't want kids, there really isn't a big incentive to get married anyway.

I know life has this sneaky way of surprising the hell out of me when I least expect it, but I'm 30 now and getting old and set in my ways (grin). And I absolutely adore being single.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

I've been single for about four years now. During two of those I was pretty ill, so I suppose it doesn't count. But for me this time period of my life has been fantastic! I spent so much of my "growing- up" period in relationships (from 16-22) and never really figured out who I was! I would always change myself for a boy. Young girls are so silly.

The past two years I've been, well not trying to meet someone, but open to it. I had (correction have) a terrible crush on a friend, and it's not going anywhere (ssiiiggghhhh) and I've dated a couple of people, but no one was... well... *quite* right. The funniest part of all this, is that when I was young and watched oodles of t.v., I never did understand why the "grown-ups" complained about how hard it was to meet someone.

Now I get it.

After a few years of being single though, I keep thinking about how *hard* it's going to be to worry about what someone *else* wants. You mean I can't just call my girlfriend and say let's go out? I have to like, consult on *our* plans??? WhatUP there???

It's going to take some adjustment.

I have to agree with Jennifer W. - fuck buddies ROCK! They're perfectly content to go out for drinks, be used for sex, and make themselves scarce in the morning when the only company you want is your cat and a good book. Plus they're friends, so there's no arguing over the whole safe-sex issue; they generally think your being alive and STD free is a good thing.

And then there's the other side; I think I've started to reach the point where it'd be nice to have a nice lively bed-warmer that didn't have fur and claws and could hold a conversation, not to mention make my toes curl (and I'm not talkin' about stretchin'). Plus my one fbuddy is on the other side of the continent, the other one seems to be getting involved with some chick in San Fransisco (I live in Seattle) and the new candidate is just *tooooo* sensitve. He might want a *relationship* and he's *not* relationship material - for me anyway.

And now that I've met someone who has real possibility - I'm in the waiting game. He went on a trip after our first few 'dates' and isn't back yet. And well - I figure that if he wants to, he'll call when he gets back from vacation.

I just don't like *waiting* and I'll be pretty crushed if he doesn't call back.

At the same time - what if he is just right? What if it all works out? I'm not READY to settle down yet! I have so much *living* to do! So I'm generally freaked out if I take the time to think about relationship stuff. And let me just say, that's a lot of freaking out!

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

Here's why it sucks.

Picture it: The Year 2000, Single Girl on her first date with a tall guy in, she can't even remember how long. Remember, people, that even the faintest whiff of desperation can make a guy run into the night, SCREAMING into the night. So, single girl is cool. Cool as a f-ing cuke, baby. She tells story after story - people are weeping with tears of laughter. Single Tall Guy is not exactly her "type" (whatever that is) but he is tall, ok?, and he is wearing khaki pants and laughing at the Al's Grandmother in the Airport Story which has become worldwide in its legend. Single Tall Guy is looking better and better. He is even being a little bold, a little flirtatious.

All of these factors added together are making for an excellent evening. Single Girl is liking his mojo. He seems to be liking hers. There's a kiss at the car and a seemingly casual invite to the apartment of Single Tall Guy for "hanging out." The invitation is accepted. Hanging out commences.

All hell breaks loose.

Clothes everywhere. Hands everywhere. Single Girl is thinking "He's a nice boy. Why is this happening? He is probably never going to call me now - this is going to fast. Well, no...he instigated this...it's not like I attacked him...this is mutual action based on mutual attraction...right?"

Poor Single Girl. I mean, is she an idiot? Male Friend of Single Girl consoles her after Single Tall Guy gives her a very kind but definite brush off - "you know, I just don't think it would work out." Male Friend examines the situation and reports his findings. Single Tall Guy must have felt uncomfortable. Scared. His manhood called into question, if you will.

Single Girl is thinking of becoming an alcoholic, y'all.

Peace.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

"Sex is good
Sex is great
Fuck the world
Let's masturbate"

Sorry. I just needed to say that before I could keep talking.

Welcome to Singleville, population...You. It fuckin' sucks, y'all. I mean it. Don't get me wrong, it's great angsty fodder for journals. It's great life-sucks-so-I'm-going-to-write-bad-cheesy-ass- poetry-for-the-next-seventy-two-years-and-die-alone-with-my-cats fodder. It's great one-night-stand-with-a-frat-boy-whose-name-you- don't-know fodder.

But, as someone I was talking to last night said, "Everyone should automatically have a significant other when they're sick."

Being single can be swell, until you get a mean email, or fail a test, or don't get your promotion, or get the flu, or have surgery, or your mum dies. Then being single sucks again and you find yourself searching a la Bridget Jones for someone who'll take care of you for a little bit. Just a little bit would be nice at that point.

Then, of course, you realise that the sex sucks, that they're so incredibly inferior to your most recent ex that you're still hung up on that it's absurd, that they don't know what to do with a bar of soap, and that they seem to "forget" your plans to go out a lot.

Then it's back to Singleville, my friend.

-Meghan

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

i can't even begin to tell you how much it sucks ass!

and fuck buddies are great till they go and get a friggen girlfriend. or worse yet, develop more than just friends feelings for you and you are really digging the no strings attatched thing cause that is just plain sad.
i think the worst part of being single is being a grownup and single. you know, tired of the games and such. i thought that dating older guys (i'm 26 and i have dated men up to age 37) they just don't have the uh, how can i say this... uh.,
stamina that the young pups have. not to mention their issues are deeper rooted than the youngins.

not that the young stallions are wonderful either. sure the sex is (usually) good, but they aren't over the whole drinking till you puke and game playing stage. they do that stupid ass Swingers shit with the not calling for a week thing.

Good Lord! if you like me call. if you don't then don't dammit. argh.

i LOVE having a male best friend. he serves many purposes. he takes me out to nice places, we can chill out on my bed and i don't have to worry about him trying to grab my butt, we have the same taste in movies and music (except that country crap that he is into lately) he knows me inside and out, he can deal with my menstrual mood swings, he is cute o when we go out it looks like i have a hot guy with me.

i think i need a guy just like him, who is not gay. that would be fabulous!

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

I love being single (she lies)... no really I do (don't believe a word of what she says)...

The first ten years weren't too bad (she is still lying)...but the last three have been utter torture (finally she speaks the truth)

I can handle not being a couple, but I hate not getting laid on a regular basis. If I were single and getting it (always and on demand) I would really be a lot nicer person to be around, or so my children keep telling me.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

I'd date the single boys here at Squishy, you all sound cool, but I'm on the other side of the planet. Oh well, it's the thought that counts.
I find that the grass is always greener. Being in a serious relationship can make one feel caged in, and being single can make one feel lonely and unloved. Neither is better or worse than the other, IMHO, just different.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

Trejo's in Austin, right? Hmmmm...

how old is he again?

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

How's the single life? Well, not so good, However I think that it is less because it really sucks, but more because I am not really taking advantage of the good things it offers. I guess.

To make a long story short, I had a romantic carcrash. Two fairly longterm reationships flamed out withing a few months of each other. So I decided to take a break for awhile.

Um, that was almost ten years ago now. Where does the time go?

Part of it had to do with what happened before. I thought I was handling it well, but in retrospect I can see that I was deep, deep in denial. There were things I had to deal with that I was just trying to ignore. Well, eventually you have to deal with them.

In the last ten years I have done some dating, but I don't seem to be very good at it. Maybe it's me, but a lot of the women I meet and try to date (at leat the ones close to my age) have this incredible character armor - someone's hurt them and they just won't let anyone in. When I see that, I just get tired. Do I have the energy to beseige this castle? I don't think so.

At this point I don't think I could live with someone again. I've become set in my ways. I think the old-fashioned phrase is a "confirmed bachelor." I would not much like someone telling me how to live my life, and try to make me toe the line.

The concept of the "fuck buddy" seems sublime. Where do I sign up to get one of those?

I remember the good times when I was with someone. There was lots of fun and a lot of it felt wonderful. But then there were the bad times. They were pretty awful. I really don't think I survive that again. It really hurt a lot.

And in the interim I haven't really seen any relationships that seemed that wonderful. In fact I've seen more than a few that were just horrible. Two people who didn't have any clue who their partner was, and worse yet, didn't have any clue who they were themselves.

I like to think that I'm a lot smarter now than I was then, so maybe if I tried it again it would work better now? Of course, then there is the problem of finding a playmate. It is quite daunting.

I have no conclusions.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

SWM, 24, seeking tall, athletic female for good times, maybe more. Me: 6'1", 165 lbs, broad shouldered East Coast transplant to SF Bay area. Likes cycling, riveting intellectual and emotional exchanges, and cuddling. At the moment enjoying the freedom of single grad student life, but missing someone to hang out with. You: fun, intelligent, pretty, and searching for a guy with whom you could watch movies, bike a century, and cook.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

Christ, y'all are the cure for any half-second yearnings I might have as I watch the spring bring out the hotties here in DC.

And for the non-single folks- jeez, how'd you end up like *that*? M and I are going on four years, and for all the problems we might have had, money, division of housework, and sex have rarely, if ever, been a problem.

Ack. Just ack.

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

Fuck the single life.

I'm running away to join a monastery.

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

I just left Mr. Wonderful, and I feel great. I said it the time before, but I'll say it again: it's a mistake for me to live with someone (unless there's an imminent marriage - I've never married, so how would I know?) My friend Ruth didn't sell her house or even move her stuff, until after her wedding. She's a smart woman.

Most of the time. I haven't spent a lot of time single, but I live in North Carolina, the married people capitol of the world, and I'm thinking it'll be a long time before I go on a date again. There's just no material here. So, I'll walk my dog a lot, and try to get involved in things I like to do, and try to keep my mind off myself.

And lay in a good supply of AA batteries.

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

leigh ann/mis/jennifer/others:

You mean when I was single there were women who wanted fuck buddies, too? Why the hell doesn't anyone tell me these things? Just friends, no attachments, call eachother up when you get a yearning instead of just going off and masterbating. Now I want one.

Jodie : Just the single guys? That's a bit discriminitory, don't you think?

Oh, oh yeah, there's that whole tangle of 'not being single.'

Hmph.

-rich

http://www.inferiority.com rich@inferiority.com

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

Don't get me wrong.. I like having something warm and snuggly next to me, but it and I get along much better as long as I'm off doing my own thing and not feeling like I have to check in every 45 minutes. So I guess that with the exception of a few torrid interludes a single life is my destiny... The only problem I've ever had with the idea of being the old lady with all the cats is that I'm allergic to cats... but then, one day, the solution came to me... lame dogs. So now I stock up on fuck buddies, a good rocking chair, and a few lame dogs and I think I'm set.

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

um, rich.......yes, yes, and yes.

I've said it before, nothing like a good fuck buddy.

But you have to have a good relationship. It has to be a good mixture of friendship, trust, and of course great sex. Or why do it at all?

I had a f/b for almost six years. (A younger man....shhhhh....) He was sweet, sexy and mature enough to see the relationship for what it was. Granted we didn't have sex for the entire six year period. We both had committed relationships in between and we dated a lot. But something always brought us back together. It was never stupid sex. I never had to worry about him not respecting me or talking about our relationship. We were very good to each other. It was very healthy. I once drove four hours to spend the night with him at his parents beach house (he was that good).

We hadn't spoken for about two years, but I still cried like a baby when I told him I was getting married.

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

okay, here's the scenerio... a shy timid looking girl aproches the mic, she taps it gingerly and feedback resounds throughout the room.. "ahem.. uhm.. hi?" she looks around to see if anyone's looking.. nope, no one. she shrugs and goes on, "hi.. my name's katie.. i'm 19 and so single i could die. i'm so sigle i've been matched with someone so many times i cannot count. i'm so single i went out with a friend, who's like a mom to me, her son.. okay people? her son!! do you fucking hear me?! her fucking son!! he's like a fucking brother or something!! and the fucking pathetic as hell thing is i let him fuck around with me AFTER!! he told me he "didn't want something serious." i mean WHAT THE FUCK?!!!! this woman, this person like a mom to me, this sweet dear lady whom i love and yet i swore i'd never let her hook me up again.. i've fucking asked her to hook me up with someone.. hello? i asked?! what's that all about? i dont mind being single. single's good, but single at the movies is strange, i always have to drag a friend along. single coffee is worse, you cant go somewhere and get coffee all by yourself without people looking at you like "oh that poor girl, she's all alone.. wait! that guy's walking towards her, maybe they're.. ohh.. he walked past.. that poor girl" no dammit!! i'm a grrl!! you hear that! GRRL!!! i'm tough, i'm strong. i'm a damn army enlistee.. *starts sobbing* i'm nice, i'm pretty, i just lost 30 lbs, i just got a bitchin tattoo on my back (yeah, it hurt like hell, but its totally worth it), i can cook, i want to settle down and have kids.. someday, i can dance, i can sing, i even clean the bathroom. i'm fun and out-going, while being a little shy, dammit!! i'm almost 5'10, i'm only about 160-165, short perky blonde hair, lovely green eyes. *sobs harder* and the guy i really like is over 1000 miles away and i've never met him!! its soo sad. and that is it.. i'm single. i'm cute. and i'm going to take a nap. thank you."

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

funny that there's so many replies on this topic! yes being single, having no ties, free to do what you want, would be great if you actually were doing anything. being single and bored sucks. however, should we be trying to actively get ourselves out of this state, or just sit tight and wait?

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

Regarding the fuckbuddy: I don't think it always has to be someone you know well. If that's what you prefer, then great. I lean more toward having the fuckbuddy that you really know nothing about. You guys just have sex when you both want it and don't really have to worry with the hassles of friendship or relationship or intimacy. That's sort of what a fuck buddy is to me. Someone you fuck on a semiregular basis. The other kind seems more of the 'friends with privledges' or something other than a fuck buddy.

Regarding doing things alone: I like it. Sometimes it's nice to go and sit in a coffee shop and drink my coffee and write and not have to talk to others. Or going to a movie and getting a good seat because you don't have to search for two together. I enjoy my own company sometimes. There really is nothing wrong with being alone. And I can't say I've ever stared at a solitary person at a club or bar or movie theatre or park or whatever and felt pity for their singleness. I don't generally assume they're single even. Though if they seem hot I sorta hope they're single.

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

Oh, man, I just travelled two thousand miles, from St. Louis to San Francisco, to avoid being single for ONE MINUTE LONGER. I scare the crap out of myself when I'm footloose and fancy-free, I truly do. I am the absolute queen of poor judgement, character OR situational, and I'm 27 years old. Does it ever change? Do I ever get wiser? What's up with that! So, I moved to CA and a wonderful man who I've been maintaining an email/telephone/visit relationship with for two years. Moved right into his apartment and his life. He's never lived with a girlfriend before and doesn't know how to establish those "honey-do" boundaries. I'm afraid that I'll take advantage of him and he'll toss my freaky/ungrateful/destitute/eventually unfaithful ass out on the street, where it will inevitably belong. But first, I'll attempt to corrupt and debauch him for my own viewing pleasure. Oh, can I ever change? Single is already looking pretty good because, like Buckeroo Bonzai said, "Wherever you go, there you are."

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

Its tragic to see so many unfulfilled women in this forum. I wish I could please each and every one of you. Seriously. Nookie for everyone! Lets have the Squishy singles party where Trejo and all the single guys and all the single girls get together to see what percolates. Does anyone have a hot tub? Those are fun. We can eat oysters, drink tequila, and listen to Prince. OkI dont like oysters, but Im full on for the tequila, Prince (or DAngelo or Harry Connick Jr. if you prefer), and hot tubs.

Best Part About Being Married: Its 4:00 AM and you are awake. Part of you has been awake since 3:45. She too is awake, soft and warm under the covers. A caressa light kiss on sensitive nape of neck and it begins, touching each other like a familiar instrument. Rhythm alternates between slow and fast and you wonder if your neighbors in the apartment next door can hear you. To hell with the neighbors. Afterwards you sleep for a few more hours completely at ease in that comfortable Us position.

Best Part About Being Single: Its just after mid-night in a bar off 6th and you are talking to a blond and a red head. They smile and giggle and watch you with a mischievous gleam in their eye. You cant tell if either one wants to go home with you, go home with each other, or both. It doesnt happen that night, but they both hug and kiss you before they leave. They will be here again, and there will be more nights were anything can happen. From the lonely bar you spot two women at a distant table who look like they want to dance. You summon your courage and walk up to them. You talk to the one nearest. She looks at you with smoldering eyes, speaks with an intelligent voice, and over the next hour says everything you ever wanted a woman to say. You make plans to meet on Friday. You leave the bar walking a foot above the ground and wait for Friday.

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

Re: MandyB

I think that is why buddy is included in the name.

If you don't know them, I would just say a Fuck. Or maybe a Fuck Stranger?

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

re: Clay; Best thing about being married.

Uh, ahem. Highly improbable after 2 kids and 5 years.

-rich

http://www.inferiority.com rich@inferiority.com

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

Maybe fuck buddies are a West Coast thing, but here in D.C. they're like Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster -- sometimes talked about but never actually seen.

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

Re: mis

I think it's a personal choice. You seem to want to know the person well and enjoyed the relationship you had with this man you mentioned earlier. It sounds like a wonderful one for you.

For me, the term buddy is a casual one. If my fuckbuddies were folks I trusted and loved and knew well but whom I also had casual sex with, then I really wouldn't call them a fuckbuddy. I'd call them a friend or even a lover, something more respectful and thoughtful than fuckbuddy. Calling them a fuckbuddy just puts the fucking before the the friendship or relationship or whatever it is. And while I like sex, if there's more to a relationship than just sex, than that more would be the important thing, and the sex secondary. And if you sleep with a person on a regular basis I would hardly call them a stranger. A Fuck Stranger as you put it, would be a one night stand in my opinion. So, for me a fuck buddy is someone I'm not really friends with and don't really have a relationship with on any real level other than sex. He/She is just someone I call and invite over when I want the kind of sex they provide and they can do the same with me.

But, regardless. I think it's a personal choice. You like the trust and friendship included with a fuckbuddy relationship. I prefer something a little different in what I call a fuckbuddy. And some folks couldn't really deal well at all with any kind of casual sex.

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

MandyB...what you said makes sense.

I can't imagine having sex with someone I knew absolutely nothing about. But like you were sort of saying, maybe sex with a friend is as casual as I can go.

But your also right that he was my friend, and my lover, but he was also my fuck buddy. That just wasn't all he was.

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

Well, regardless of what kind you have, fuckbuddies are certainly a lovely perk in the single life. And Mike, they aren't exclusively a West Coast thing. Don't know about D.C., but they certainly exist in New York. And it is possible to import fb's or export yourself to them or whatever. I had one on the opposite coast for a good long while...

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

Rich: Improbable? Really? Thats a shame. I hope that someone out there is getting early morning nookie. I miss it.

There are two types of fuck buddies. The first is someone you run into and end up sleeping with that night. In those cases the question is weather or not sleeping with this person is worth the possible consequences. Is sex worth the chance of getting your bunny boiled? Sometimes. Depends on the circumstances. The second type are like free cable that is sometimes in a new apartment. It is good while it lasts, but you never know when it will be cut off. The hardest part there is seeing them with someone else. Love may not be an issue, but jealousy can be an evil little troll that kicks you in the gut from time to time.

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

I'm from the east coast - although it *is* Canada (Toronto) so I know they exist out that way. And a friend who lives downstairs is from New York, and she knows exactly what I'm talking about when I say fuckbuddy.

And I had one on an opposite coast too! I moved to Seattle and managed to maitain my fbuddy on visits back home. It was fabulous!

And you know, I've been busier being single then when I was with someone! I always have something to do, somewhere to go. In fact I'm home sick right now because I kind of overdid it. I moved, and then instead of getting my place in order, spent the next couple of weeks in a social whirlwind of no sleep and bad eatin'. And that's landed me in bed with the flu.

Of course, last night when I was feeling really crappy, I would have liked nothing better then someone to take care of me. I ended up calling a close friend (in a time zone three hours ahead and therefore waking him up) and making him listen to me whine and eat soup. Then he had to tell me a story. Poor guy.

So yeah, this particular part of being single sucks. Of course, not having to worry about leg-shaving or any of that is such a relief...

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

Urgh. I apologize for that last post. It was late at night and I was tired. Talk about maudlin.

I even forgot the point I was going to make.

Many of the people who have been single a couple of years have discovered some important truths about themselves and about who they really are. After these discoveries, they seem a little hesitant to hop abord the relationship bandwagon again, for fear that this new person will force them to give up some hard-won personal territory. Which they very well might.

Well, that's what I wanted to say.

None of this is helping Trejo get hooked up, is it?

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

I'll jump on this bandwagon. I love being single. I agree with all the positive reasons given by my single sisters up there. I can keep whatever schedule I want without checking in with anyone. I'm not "expected" to cook or clean. I can be a slob if I want. I can be a neat freak if I want. I don't have man stuff in my space. If my date is getting on my nerves, I can go home without him, or send him home. I don't have to share my bed except with the cats. I like the freedom. I like having my apartment decorated MY way and MY tastes. Yes, I'm the one with the purple couch and red chairs.

I can listen to whatever music I want. I enjoy my own company. I'm not lonely. I have hobbies and friends. I don't sit around thinking I'm pitiful because I only come home to my cats and fish. It doesn't bother me to go out somewhere alone.

I was married once in another life for 11 years. I hope someday to be married again. In the future. Not. Now. I do have a new boyfriend. I told him next time I get married I just want to live next door to my husband, not together. Being a man who enjoys his personal space, he thought that was a great idea. So he's a keeper for now. That would be the best of both worlds. Adjoining apartments with a door between.

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

I'm currently single, and yes, sometimes it sucks. Sometimes I get damned lonely. I have lots of good friends, so I'm not like some folks I know that get really isolated when they are single. I just don't get laid all the time. And I don't have that comfortable thing of waking up next to someone, which can be nice. I don't get to hold someone's hand or give a really physical display of affection when I am really excited for myself or for them. Those are the things I miss. I wish I could be more physically affectionate with most of my friends. Not even necessarily sexual, just hugging them when I see them and such.

I'm not usually loneley, although *all* of my friends are really hot and all of them save two are coupled. When I see them being excessively cute I sometimes get a little lonely inside. Like when Scott and Erika an I go bowling and one of them does well (or badly) they always climb all over each other and hug/wrestle/gnaw on each other's heads to celebrate or console. Sometimes it makes me think of my ex and how silly we would be.

My ex and I are still friends, which is wierd. There are lots of folks I dated once or twice or even for a short time (a few weeks or even a few months) and I never stayed friends with them. She's finishing up at school in Boston, so I dunno where it will go after May, but I know last time she came to visit me in Providence we were going at it like crazy. SHe's a good "fuck buddy." I'd like to have more like her. After we broke up last May, I had a string of one night stands and casual sex "relationships" but they all sucked. No matter how good the sex is for me (and some of it was amazing), if I can't hold a conversation with the person, I get sick of them after a couple of times. I need to be able to respect someone's intelligence to be really attracted to them. And believe me, there are times when I wish that was not the case. I don't necessarily have to really care about them (although that is always nice) and I definitely don't have to want a relationship from them, but if sitting in a room with them for ten minutes without having sex bores me, then eventually the sex itself (with them) begins to bore me.

I find that I tend to hook up more when travelling or having visitors, although that hasn't been the case so much this past year. I used to have friends all over the country (long before the WWW existed even!) and I went on a road trip and got a good amount of nookie. Not much coital intercourse, but a lot of foolin' around. Hell, I like cunnilingus more than coital sex anyway. I'm perfectly happy to be "head buddies" with someone.

With any luck I'll be taking a 4 month road trip across the US and Europe this fall. I'm hoping the old luck comes back.

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

I think I ought to set up a dating service on my site. Y'all need help.

Why don't you drop me a line if you're interested? SaraAstruc@aol.com

x\o sara <-not single. again

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

Being single is dreadful - and wonderful. I have been dating pretty much constantly since I turned 16 - that means over 11 years of this crap! No wonder I am tired. Some days I pretend dating is a game, then a war, then back to a game...I have lived with 2 boyfriends and am currently vowing never to do that again until I am married. Do I have what it takes to go the distance? I was in one relationship for 8 years offandonandoffandon - but mostly intensely ON. Maybe I have given most of what I can give. I try not to get cynical - how do you guys and girls avoid it? Or do you? Sounds like a mixed reaction to singlehood on here so far. Many days I find myself thinking "I give up" and "I'm gonna be a nun" and suchlike... But then I keep thinking of "The Stranger" by Billy Joel

well we all fall in love but we disregard the danger...

hope springs eternal - maybe this will be my year - so far, so good

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

Hmmm. While it is nice to have someone to be close to, I've never understood those super-lovey-dovey couples you see. It makes me gag when you see them joined at the hip, ignoring everyone else, calling each other "snugglebuns" and "snookums", feeding each other and generally being the living embodiment of a Hallmark card. Does that make me a cold bitch?

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

Jodie - no, you're not a cold bitch. You're what I call "adult."

Those joined-at-the-hip couples make me gag, too. What people do in their own homes is their business, but let's avoid the extreme Public Displays of Affection, ok? Some of us are trying to eat. Besides, if you break up, I'll remember your previous behavior and laugh 'til my teeth fall out.

*sigh* Maybe *I'm* the cold bitch.

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

Apparently I'm not doing this single thing the right way because I'm just not enjoying it a whole lot. Maybe my problem is just that I don't have a ton of friends to keep me busy - I'm really envying all of the journallers that I read that have a great circle of friends. I just moved to Atlanta and am looking for suggestions on how to get out and make new friends to make this single life more bearable.

Blech - this is turning into a definite pity party for me. Sorry.

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

I'm with Jodie (I think).....

I tell people like that to get a fucking room already. I'm all for love and all that shit, but come on, can't you do all that groping in private? I've been told on more than one occasion that I'm 'just jealous'. Oh yeah, I'm jealous of some smarmy, icky toad of a guy groping me in front of God and everybody. Oh yeah.

Holding hands. No problem. I don't have any problems with kissing as long as they aren't trading tonsilectomies. Ya know? It's the groping that makes me wanna yak.

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

dammit, I forgot this...

How tall is Trejo?

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

I'm getting a pretty decent response to my dating service idea.

I'm in the middle of figuring out the logistics of this. I'll be writing about it in my journal, soon. All participants will be kept confidential unless otherwise notified WAY in advance.

This is actually going to be quite interesting!

Drop me a line if you're interested...

-- Anonymous, March 24, 2000

The only good thing that comes from being single lately seems to be the dating. Not the real dating, but the dates that you know are going to be one giant joke. The ones that become so horrifing that you are biting your tongue to keep from screaming for the jackass political remarks the guys say. Or when they can't seem to be able to figure out the wine list, or when they under tip the waiter, and you have to go behind him to the waiter and hannd him a wad of cash to keep him from spitting in your food the next time that you are there. The best part of these types of dates all you can do is reinact them the next day withh handpuppets for all of your friends. But seriously, it is very lonely and you do end up spending a number of evenings alone watching some depressing movie and drinking several bottles of wine, and wonder if your life would be better if you just settled, then look at your friends marriages and wonder if they are really happy. Oh, well. Lif

-- Anonymous, March 24, 2000

Subject: how's single life?

Answer: Sucks the big one. Thanks for asking.

-- Anonymous, March 24, 2000

Loving every single minute of it, thankyouverymuch. Anyone for some leftover Chinese from last week?

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

No thanks; I'm still working my way through last week's chili.

But you can add me to the single-and-happy-to-remain-so list...

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

it sucks -- especially when you want to be held, touched, desired, appreciated.

yeah, single life sucks.

lala

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2000

i've been with my boyfriend for 8-1/2 years and we don't live together. this is the best of both worlds. sdn

-- Anonymous, April 10, 2000

wow. a congenial spouse comes straight from God. it is not good for a person to live alone. two are better than one. it's nice if each is whole so the union is complete, but in either case love never fails. loving someone else as i love myself enriches me. God, help us to feel You and honor You with our lives. give me love for You, for myself, and for my princess You bring to me. :D

-- Anonymous, December 07, 2000

Hello girls and only girls this is Single Sammy from Downtown Toronto, Canada. If you are single and seeking good friend write me back, I am 29 doing Car business. Take Care See you soon Sammy Toronto.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2001