Do you find that you're sure of the choices you make in your life? Am I going through some sort of 25 crisis thing? Have you already been there? Is this going to keep happening?

When do you know you're doing the right thing?

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

Answers

I'm 23 and I assumed that by 25 I would be much more self-assured than I am now so thanks for blowing that fantasy for me.

The only way to solve this problem is to just put off making any decision for as long as possible and then freak out at the last minute and flip a coin. The coin never lies.

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

hm... tough question.
I find I am more and more sure of my choices, but it doesn't really stop me from worrying, sorry to say so. I am 27 now, + 6 months [yes 6 months still make a difference even at this old age], and I think what helps me the most is that I am actually getting better at finding out what I truely want for myself. Getting it is another problem.

I really liked this particular entry because without needing the real applause myself, I am one of those who need approval A LOT.
And it finally started to change. I was always afraid of choosing, because choosing an option meant leaving all the others, and, like you, I didn't want to MISS anything. But eventually, long after realising that I had to choose and that it was better to choose and have things happen than just stay there and get bored, I started being able to choose, and the new problem was suddenly to identify, to nail down, what the real desire was, before staring to move.

I would say if you spotted that you were missing on the now, you took one step if the right direction.
And if you know you have to find out WHAT you want and are working on it, that's a second one.

OH boy have I been there...
But it definitely got better for me [doesn't mean life did, but I got better at living, I think].

Apart from that, yes, it is a 25 crisis thing, but better have than not ;-), and no, I never know when I am doing the right thing. I still need some sort of approval... And everyboday can be mistaken anway, so they will approve me but I'll still be wrong, for example.
Sometimes life proves me right, sometimes it just feels right to choose an option more than the other...
Work on yourself, you already started, right?
And trust your feelings, but not too much. Have your brain work on it, try to have them all work as a team, that really helps.
Just trust yourself to be skilled enough at living, with a little help from your friends, but only a little help. YOU live your life, nobody else, right? So YOU should make all the choices.
And I'm sure you can.
So sorry I was so long and probably unclear and repetitive. I said i got better at living, doesn't mean pple like me better since ;-)

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

That 25 crisis thing ... yep. Been there a couple of months ago. I feel like a fully-fledged grown-up all of a sudden, not just somebody in their early 20s. But I've decided it's a good thing. I feel more respected now I'm 25 - I've just been promoted and am dealing with all our company's senior managers on a daily basis, and I'm sure I wouldn't have found it all this easy a couple of years ago. I'm old enough now to be taken seriously and I really like that.

The biggest thing for me was a realisation that physically I need to take care of myself better, because I don't have that fantastic aura of youth on my side quite as much now. So I'm going to the gym for the first time since I was 17, and I'm feeling much better because of it.

Regarding how you know whether you've made the right decision - my view is that the right decision makes itself known to you. Either something keeps presenting itself as an option, or everybody you know can see what would be right for you, or you just have a strong urge. Trust your gut, Pamie. If you feel like you've been in Austin too long, you probably have. There are a lot of fantastic places in the world, so try some of them out. Good luck.

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

This isn't advice, but it's commiseration: I went through the 25 crisis and have moved on to the 26 crisis (it doesn't feel any different, by the way). I'm planning on moving to another country by the end of the year, and I keep turning this decision over and over in my head, wondering desperately if I'm doing the right thing - and more importantly, if I'm doing it for the right reasons. The reasons worry me more than the thing itself. I kind of feel that, if I do the wrong thing for the right reasons, then in hindsight I can say that I didn't know any better, and that I thought I was making a good decision. But if I do the wrong thing for the wrong reasons, then all I can do is kick myself hard and repeatedly when everything goes to hell.

I've always envied people who knew exactly who they were and what they wanted and where they wanted to be, who didn't question their decisions or their lives. I've never been that way. I will always second-guess myself, I'll always sit and wonder, "What if...?" or "Shouldn't I...?" And I never know if I'm doing the right thing. I guess there's no way of knowing if you're making the right decision until you've gone through with it. But I do think that anything is better than sitting and stagnating and wondering if everything could have been different if only you'd taken the plunge and tried to make things change when you had the chance. What's that quote about not regretting the things you do, only regretting the things you don't do...? Trust what your heart is telling you. If you need a change, make a change.

And no, I don't hear applause. I'm always afraid that everyone in the audience of my life is quietly whispering, "What on earth is she doing??" and they're just too polite to stand up in the crowded theater and boo me off the stage.

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

The 25 crisis was pretty bad. The 26 crisis was worse, because I realized that I was closer to being 30 than I was to being a teenager. That worried me.

The 30 crisis was nothing compared to those two, and the 27-28-29 crises were nonexistent. When I was 25 I thought that all those people who talked about how 30 was better than 25 were just in denial, but they weren't. They're right.

So, yeah, 25 is hard. After that it gets easier, I think, because you stop thinking that at some point you're just going to have all the answers. Hell, I don't even know what the questions are.

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

my 25th is approaching, and i can really relate- i find myself wishing for a guidebook that kinda says- okay, this is what happens next, these are your choices, you have an hour to make a decision, and no decision is better or worse.

actually, right now, i feel more like something's "missing." not that i'm nissing OUT on anything, just there's a blank spot that needs to be filled, and i can't for the life of me figure out what is supposed to go there.

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

I'm 26 and I'm still living the 25 crisis. I feel like I've gained about enough experience in life to be 18 or so.

To be honest, adulthood terrifies me. I'm desperately afraid of losing my playfulness, my ability to howl with laughter at the most inane crap, and my very strong idealism and dissatisfaction with the status quo, the established order. Or worse, of suddenly turning a corner and finding that those things are deemed No Longer Appropriate by some joyless, shadowy committee of people with RSPs and car payments (neither of which I have or am ever likely to have). Oh yes, and I'm scared shitless of growing old. I have only just learned how to live in my body, and the idea that it will be progressively taken away from me is really terrible.

At the same time, I have miraculously solved so many of the problems that made my childhood unpleasant; I've done hair-raising things and worked hard for causes that were important to me, I have a mate who is everything I could have dreamed of, I have great friends, and I've managed to lose most of the terrible insecurity and shyness that I grew up with. And after the usual string of shitty, meaningless jobs, it looks like I'm finally getting a good gig (by which I mean, one where I'll be paid to do work that I believe in!).

I think that what I'm really getting at here is that growing up does not have to mean compromising what you care about, as I assumed it did when I was a bitter, enraged teenager. Instead, if you're lucky and you work a little, it can mean that you become powerful in the best sense of the word - more able to act on your convictions. And you can still take risks and do stupid things that don't work out, just for the joy of it. I think too many people forget what it was like to be a teenager, and don't act on their beliefs anymore - if they had any to begin with. They become enmeshed in meaningless responsibilities that serve only other people's agendas and profits, and they forget both how to have fun and how to dream of something larger than themselves.

This posting is rambling all over the damn place. Anyway, good luck to all of you who're in the midst of your own quarter century crises, and who've gotten through them. Don't forget what you believe in - in fact, demand the impossible and raise hell until you get it. And don't forget to play a little.

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

God, Pamie, this entry totally hit me--right smack dab in the face-- hard. I feel EXACTLY the same way that you do. My friend Heather and I always said that by 25 everything would be perfect. Married, a perfect size 6, doing what we loved for a living, etc. Well, we have a year left to fullfill all of this. I have a feeling that it's not going to happen. The really scary thing is, i, too, feel like i don't know which direction to run in. I don't want to miss any fab opportunity. I'm not at all happy doing what i do now. I miss the stage. God, if those "You gotta have passion" speeches at the Golden Globes weren't painful enough---i certainly don't have passion sitting at this desk all day with all this pent-up creative energy just waiting to be released. Ultimately, though, it just turns into stress and decides to plant itself in my lower jaw, neck and shoulders. Do you ever get that clenched feeling that makes you so upset that you can't even swallow? That's how I feel a lot. It's not depression, it's extreme dissatisfaction. I don't have any answers for you...I'm looking for my own. Just know that you are not alone in this crisis, freak-out thing. There is a lady in my office who is in her 50's and she still doesn't know what she wants to do. Scary, eh? Hang in there!

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

From a past 25 - before 30 year old, I have to say that 25 was a very difficult year. I'd broken up with a 4 year relationship that was going on 3 years too long, and finally decided I'd been wasting my time not pursuing my dream of an opera career. Somehow you always think there's more time, when you hit the 25 year old mark, you really decided to make changes. All I can say is it does get better, but if the introspection don't kill you, it'll only make you stronger.

Take wonderful care of yourself, treat yourself to many wonderful candlelight baths and never lose track that you are the best you - you can be. Things will change, but it does get better... eventually, Happy Early Birthday!

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

25 was hard. 30 was harder. And now I'm approaching 32 (which, it seems by this forum, makes me one of your Older Readers), I think, "If I manage to get everything together by 35..."

Pamie, I think you're an incredibly accomplished person for 24 years old. I have no doubts that a lot more people are going to know who you are (a LOT) by the time you're 30.

As for applause -- yeah, I'm an applause whore. And a laugh whore. I think I'd rather get the big laugh during the middle of a show than a standing ovation at the end. Comes from years of comedy, I guess. (Hmm. I was performing weekly at 25...)

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

i'm about to turn 26 in a couple of weeks, and i think 25 was one of the most fun years of my life. it's all in how you look at it. my best friend and i were driving around in the middle of the night this weekend, plastering IHOP "got pancakes?" bumper stickers on our friends' cars. giggling our fool heads off. this other girl with us, who is 23, just kept saying, "you guys are like little kids! do you really think this is funny? how old are you again?" i think she missed the point.

yes, i hear the applause. sometimes when i've been feeling crummy for a while, i look around and realize that it's stopped. it's not enough for me to enjoy my life and what i'm doing, i really want to share it with everybody else. that's when it means something.

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

Just call me "Mama Roe" for this entry, mah lil' darlings -- 'cause I ahm heah to tell you all the TRUTH!

No, seriously. Speaking as one who is 31, skidding quickly toward 32 (in May), um, guess what: You will always go through this. At least, I have.

Where I'm at now is totally not where I thought I'd be when I was 25, and where I was at when I was 25 is totally not where I thought I'd be when I was 20. This is not necessarily a bad thing! :) When I was 25, I was an account exec at a public relations firm; and now I'm doing Internet design and print production for a non-profit org. I'm *much* happier here. It's all good, you know?

But here's the thing: none of this was planned. I have no career track. I've no idea where I'm going next, or how I'm going to end up. And yeah, I'm fucking terrified, but there's something also immensely freeing about it. While I'm happy here, I'm also wondering whether I should stay, or take what I've learned and spread my wings some more. At the same time, I know I need to start doing more "home-oriented" work, 'cause M and I would like to have kids about two years after our wedding, and *someone's* gotta be home to take care of them... :)

I don't think anyone can ever be sure of the choices they make. I mean, there's always more than one path to choose; I think the level of your happiness indicates whether you've made the right choice. Not how much money you make, or what jewelry you can buy, or how many toys you've got. Happiness. Remember that!

Pamie, I personally think you're doing just fine. :) You're doing what you love, as best as you can do it, and you're managing to pay your bills at the same time. I admire that! And you're young enough and in a position (with your work) that if you want to resettle elsewhere, you can do it pretty easily. Go you!

Do I hear applause...well, yes, I do, or rather, I did, and I do miss it. (cue "Memory" from Cats!) I used to act -- I was heavily into musicals -- and I miss it terribly. Circumstance has pretty much kept me from going back; when you've got a long commute (mine's almost two hours) it's pretty damned hard to make rehearsals. Post-wedding, though, I'm going to look into moving my work schedule around and seeing if I can't get my ass back into community theatre. We'll see...

Oh, and Pamie? Prepare yourself, dear...you think you're questioning things now, just wait 'till you're almost.....30!

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

I'll be 26 in August.

I am no where near my "what I'll be doing when I'm 25" paragraph in my memory book.

I laughed when I read that someone said that they would be married, size 6, loving their job, 'cause that was so me. Except for the size 6 part...mine was that I would stay 5'10 and stay a size 8.

I do love my job. I love what I do.

But I find myself too comfortable. Comfortable in all aspects of my life. I never thought I would say that. I think I hate it....but I'm so unwilling to change it right now. I just don't know why.

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

I'm with Beth on her response. 25 was a majot crisis for me. 1/4 of a century seemed so old. Surely I should know what I was doing, where I was going? Be settling down?

The good news is (at the ripe old age of 27) that was the last crisis I had, yeah I still have days where I look around and go 'how did I get here?'. But I'm more confidant now and a hell of a lot happier

In fact I think my Mum is more stressed about the 30 milestone that's approaching. As you get older an age that seemed old suddenly seems young. How can I be nearly thirty when I still feel 20?

Things that seemed serious and grown up - aren;t as bad as you feared and to a certain extent you get the freedom to be able to make decisions to do what you want to do.

Pamie, hang in there you'll do great no matter what you do. And what yo said about Austin and not wanting to leave in case you miss the party? You'll bring it with you wherever you go

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

oh yeah, baby.

I was planning a wedding during the whole year of twenty five. I was engaged at 24, married during 25, and a month later I turned 26. All during 25 I couldn't think of much beyond invitations and flowers and love and all that bullshit. And now I am twenty fucking six. Twenty fucking six. I am almost thirty. I am almost god damn thirty.

So no I didn't have the 25 crisis. But I sure as hell am having the 26 crisis.

I was just thinking yesterday, whatever happened to the 24 year old girl I use to be? The pretty one with the really great tan. The one who constantly wore sandals even if it was raining. The girl who was so secure in herself it didn't matter what the fuck anyone said or thought. The girl who had time to go wake boarding and listen to all of her CDs. The girl with the perfect makeup, day or night. Where the hell did she go?

Because she isn't here. That girl NEVER WANTED TO GET MARRIED. And now here I am in love, husband, puppy, bills, looking for a house, dealing with the inlaws, trying to remember when did I decide I even wanted all of this? I feel so confused sometimes. And I can tell you something else. I have never wanted and needed my mom in my whole life more than I have in these past couple of months. I feel like such a baby sometimes. I have been totally independant my whole life. I have NOT needed my mom to the point of hurting her feelings. And now here I am this little fucking pussy baby, calling my mom about every issue. What the fuck is that? I think I am just scared. And I am unsure. And I need someone to assure me that I am doing the right thing or heading in the right direction, or at the very least heading in some direction. So no not applause, but I need my mom's advice and approval. Kind of the same, maybe, right?

I have been doing so much thinking and reflecting and missing, I am driving myself crazy. I have been listening to country music, and understanding. I have been asking what if? and remember when? I have been second guessing myself. I have been trying to find a way to fit the wild girl I use to be in to the life I have now. I miss her. I need her, I don't know why I gave her up. I was a lot happier when I was her. Does that even make any sense? God.

And in the mist of all this full on freak out, what do they play on cable yesterday? The "make you reflect on your life and the people in it" movie of all time? That is right my friends, The Joy Luck Club. Exactly what I needed. Last night when my husband got home, he told me he loved me. I told him he loves me but he doesn't "see" me. I told him he doesn't know my "worth".

help.

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

Hi Pamie, this is the first time i am writing in a forum but i have been reading your journal and i think that it is amazing! I am 28 years old (29 this June...) I have been going through a crisis for all of my life but i only really began realizing this ( and going through the attendant BIG TIME crisis from about 20 onwards...) Not to sound too depressing but you don't know what a crisis is until everything in your life comes tumbling down - and that is exactly what happened to me... Of course i picked up the pieces - though i am still not sure how - and have ended up here - where i am now!( and this all sounds incredibly easy and matter of fact but i can assure you, it wasn't...) And i can honestly say that this is the place that i have been happiest and most secure in myself than i have ever been. I certainly still have my problems and constantly second guess my choices ( is this what you say when you mean you question yourself all the time? - Yes, i am often asking myself what to do...) But i think that it is a healthy thing - provided that it doesn't get out of control of course, and it hasn't so far, at least not lately, at least not too far... I find that listening to the words of wiser creatures helps tremendously (books etc...) and what you said in your entry about time for onesself is very important. I also agree with Patrick - You are an incredibly accomplished person - for 24, and indeed for any age! I am looking forward to being 30 ( i have felt this age to be kind of magical for the last couple of years...) and even older, when my sense of self will be ever more solid and i will be even clearer about what i want from my life ( and so will get it...) I have found that i have got progressively clearer on what i want and while this is good because i can leave behind situations that are no longer good for me -if they ever were- there are always new situations coming up that need to be dealt with. Life, and this may sound glib, but it just came to me then, is a learning process- therefore it never stops! There are ways to take time out and nurture oneself though... You know this. And this will reflect on your life and send it in a more positive direction too... All the questions and feelings you have are completely normal and understandable. Forgive me if this comes off as me talking more to myself than answering you. Oh, and to answer your last question... Sometimes you just need to be with a question, situation, person etc. for a while until you can feel what the right thing for you to do is... This sounds easier than it is but honestly, it is the only answer- "wrong" choices often feel good to begin with and "right" choices often strange... What is right and wrong anyway? Good can come out of bad and vice versa. This is all very well in writing i realise... It's the daily life living part that is tricky...Perhaps deep down we all know the answers to our questions but who ever goes deep enough to hear them? ( some people do...) and if we hear them, perhaps they are not loud enough - in any case, not as loud as the everyday world that surrounds us - and so we don't trust that they are real. I have often ignored voices, feelings,even dreams because what i thought i wanted didn't fit in with what they were telling me... But in any case one cannot ignore the truth for long, and perhaps all that procrastination is sometimes necessary in order to give us time to strengthen our resolve when we finally decide to do anything. I am speaking primarily for myself here, there are people who take a much shorter time to learn things than myself, and there are also those that take longer... In any case Pamie, that last question of yours - "When do you know you're doing the right thing?" is something i ask myself over and over, everyday, and i thank you for allowing me to talk about it here. I have just realised that i have been answering "How do you know...." instead of "when"... In answer to "when..." i would say after a little while - and you can tell because you start to feel better... O.K. That's enough, I wish you all the best, Xenia Oh, and do i hear applause? No, but like lots of the other entries, i really need approval - that would explain why i so painstakingly read over this letter and am still not sure about sending it... I wish there was someone to tell me it's o.k.... It's only me though and i have spent some time on it so i will... Bye...

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

mommy! i didn't have a great relationship with her for years, but ESPECIALLY now that i'm newly married (almost 4 months), i need her so much! something comforting about mommy, i suppose. it's not that i doubted getting married, or anything, it's just that i don't wanna screw up, you know?

actually, i could go on and on about this, but i won't bore y'all. :)

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

This is going to be on the long side but at 35 and rapidly closing in on 36, I have been through a lot of milestones. I can tell you that the light in the tunnel is *not* an oncoming train. Life is not over. Hell, I didn't even get married until I was 34.

Am I sure of my choices? Nope. Have I ever been? Nope. When someone asks me what my "five year plan" is, I just laugh. I don't have a one year plan. Any time I try to plan a path it never works out the way I thought it would. I have two masters degrees in extremely different subjects. I've never worked in those fields because I ended up with different jobs - all of which worked out wonderfully. Even the jobs that I ended up hating and made me want to stand up and scream obscenities. I learned things from those jobs that have helped me in later choices.

I'll tell you a secret: there is always more "fuckup time." You don't have a permanent record and, short of a felony conviction, there are very few mistakes you can't recover from. You may not *want* to go through the recovery period, but you can always recover. Make decisions and try and stick with them. But, if they don't work out, cut your losses and move on. Don't compound a mistake by kicking yourself over it and worrying about what you should have done. There will always be a new opportunity.

Nor do you lose the fun. I just got back from 4 days of bands at the annual trek to SXSW (in the rain and cold and drinking way too much free Shiner Bock and now I sound like Brenda Vaccaro). Hubby shaved his head for the helluvit. Anyone who thinks life ends at 30 isn't trying!

The key is not to second guess everything. There is no right or wrong. And doing the "right" thing does not mean that you won't worry about it. Someone says, "You're 25 (or 30 or whatever) - everything in your life should be set." But the world isn't like that any more. We don't get jobs at the same company for 30 years. Why shouldn't the other aspects of your life be equally changeable?

Two weeks ago I got totally sick of my job, my scum-sucking boss, etc. so I just up and quit. I took a leap of faith and had a new and much higher-paying job before my two week notice was up (I'm a technical writer). I'm not a huge risk taker, but there are times when it's the right thing to do.

Last week I was asked in an interview, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" My response was, "I'll let you know when I grow up." I'm married, I have a mortgage, I want kids - in those respects I am grown up. But I am not locked into one way of thinking, one path of existence, one right course of action above all others. There are alot of right courses out there. And I'm probably going to try all of them at least once...

...with a smile on my face and a song in my heart (right now it's a Split Lip Rayfield song)

Here is the best piece of advice I can give you about what you can do now that will hugely affect you as you get older: Wear earplugs when you listen to loud music!

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

When do you know you're doing the right thing?

You never know when you're doing the right thing. Your only options are to maintain the status quo, or risk doing the wrong thing. Every great story begins with someone doing the wrong thing. Genesis would only be one page long, and the only book of the Old Testiment, if everyone did the right thing. Huck Finn chose to run away from civilization, and break the law by aiding a runaway slave. In Metamorphosis, Kafka's main character and his family are transformed because he is unable to let go of his past. He is unwilling to change, yet change is inevitable, so he turns into a bug. Their only salvation was when he dies. (You see something similar in What's Eating Gilbert Grape, where the obese mother clings to the pain of her past.) The only people who are certain of what they are doing are criminals and monsters. Then, any horror they commit is done to prove to others of what they are certain. (Or, so it seems to me.)

For anyone with an appetite for another violent movie, I would recommend Ghost Dog. In the movie, Forest Whitaker achieves excellence by following a basic rule of the samarai, which is loyalty to his master. From the code he reads, the text acknowledges that the discipline of the samarai can be applied to other disciplines. From this I interpreted the movie to be a metaphor that excellence in anything involves loyalty to a standard other than the self (another excuse I give for being creeped out by collectivist values, where the self is merely multiplied, yet dissolves). Perhaps to simplify things, instead of focusing on the applause others give you, focus on the standards served that caused others to applaud.

I will stop here. Take it if you can use it.

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

Your entry couldn't have come at a better time!! I looked at the calendar on Saturday and realized that in exactly 2 weeks I'll be 24. For the first time ever, I'm not looking forward to a birthday. In fact, it's depressing me. There are so many things I wanted to accomplish by 25 and it's not going to happen. The only consolation I have is to think that everything happens for a reason. I don't think you ever know if you've done the right thing until it's hindsight. Just trust your instincts!!

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

yah...
its a 25 thing. i was 26 in october. i can remember when i thought that was SO far away.. then it crept up on me and bit me in the ass. i have my reunion next year. i dont want to go. i have done a lot, but not nearly what i had mouthed off to everyone that i was going to do. sucks to have a big ego and an even bigger mouth. but i guess that how it goes. i didnt celebrate my 26th bday at all. in fact i told everyone to leave me alone. i got a few cards in the email and snail mail, but other than that.. i was completely depressed.

i think we as gen x'ers (and that term is so lame yet i use it anyway) have our midlife crisis early. its like we think that we aren't going to live past 50. its like we almost dont want to. i dunno.

dammit pamie. no i am all bummed. write something funny tomorrow :)

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

Pamie,

That entry really hit home for me and I suspect, for many, many other people, judging by the volume of responses on this subject alone.

In a way, all of us are "applause whores"... If we have feelings, then we require validation of some form to know that we are on the right path, that we're doing something right. It's human nature.

I find that today, in the world that we're growing up in, there is no such thing as being 100 percent sure of making the right choices.

As for your "25" crisis, I'm reminded of this: 'The unexamined life is not worth living.' - Socrates. Have I gone through this? Yes. Am I done with it? Hell no. I'm coming up with more questions everytime I receive an answer. It's a game called, "Life". It's up to us to figure out what the objective of the game is, and how we choose to play it.

Many people will tell you many different things, but what it all boils down to is this. Do what your heart tells you. Live your dreams. You can't live if you let the small things restrain you.

I'd be happy to recommend a couple of books that may help you refine your focus, if you request so.

I'll leave you with something someone said (I'm sorry, I'm not sure if I'm quoting it correctly or who said it, but it struck a chord within me): 'Dance like nobody's watching, and love like it's never going to hurt.'

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

Ah, yes, the 25 meltdown. I was right in the middle of it, questioning every detail of my existence every fucking day when an acquaintance asked, "Are you 25 or something?"

Also, I read around that time that gifted people, particularly women (I'm guessing those gifted in the arts all the more) tend to go through change in much the same way others go through crises and breakdown. Instead of just taking on, they often tear the whole thing down and reassemble it some other way every few years.

That's certainly been the pattern for me. I built one life when I went away to school, another when I moved to San Francisco and yet another when I moved to New York. I'm about to go back to where I started and finish some things up, so I'm in another major change at age 28 (more than half way to 29, now that I think of it).

I'm about to embark on a cross-country trip to see as much of the US as I can in a month. I'll be going to hometowns of people I admire, assassination sites, Washington, DC, plantations, kooky museums -- all the odd, tragic and beautiful things that make me so fascinated with my country's history. I had planned to go to Europe if I ever had the time and money at once, but there is so much I don't yet understand about America.

Why am I doing this? It's a combination of things people cited above -- that inner voice/urge, everyone around me confirming that urge and events that I could no longer ignore.

I've thought of doing this for the past six months, but in one week I made my decision (set a time frame for doing this) and other things fell into place. The plan is to end up in California, so I can help my mom with my brother. I've wanted to do this since my dad died last year, but my mom wanted to be sure I didn't regret it. About a month ago, the focus occured to me -- I would go back to school to finish my degree and go to grad school. I was offered another job (without job hunting at all) Friday the 10th, turned it down Tuesday the 14th and was laid off Wednesday the 15th because my boss is quitting.

This not only saved me the trouble of quitting, but also netted me one and a half month's severance, which I would not have received if I had quit. My last day was Friday. I already have freelance proofreading and writing work lined up for my return in May. I hope I won't have to work much more than half time for an outside company.

We'll see what happens, but I really want to make it work, because I like this feeling of freedom and self-determination. It was so amazing to just wander the city today with no commitments. I had forgotten how much I love New York. It's tempting to stay and start a new job (the head hunter keeps calling) with this lump of cash in the bank. But the last time I did that, I didn't realize I wouldn't have another vacation for three years. I have worked or gone to school full time, or both, all my life, I figured I can afford a month without commitments at this point in my life.

Anyway, that's my story about change and making decisions.

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

Well thanks for the big confidence boost, I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, I am getting to old to be working hard labour jobs with kids half my age. I am about to have some kind of mid life crisis, yet most of you are worried about being less than thirty. I am lucky I guess that I look much younger and usually people guess my age at about twentyseven. It does not help that I act about sixteen or that some mornings I wake up and I am a five year old. I will argue with much younger people that I am more immature than them, it is true. I am a bit uncomfortable about the fact i find women my daughters age very attractive (she is over eighteen) I do in fact like myself a lot though I think I am a very nice/good person, warm,careing and sensitive, spiritual,funny, inteligent and well liked. I have never had a second thought about any birthday or age, I am about to turn forty and it means nothing to me really, If you like who you are I guess than it matters much less how old you are , age is not a threat unless you have learned nothing from it. As for applause I am well liked by my friends and at this point that is as much as I need. "be good to yourselves and those around you"

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

"Favor and disgrace seem alarming;" "high status greatly affects your person." "What are favor and disgrace?" "Favor is the lower:" "Get it and you're suprised," "lose it and you're startled." "This means favor and disgrace are alarming." "Why does high status greatly afflict your person?" "The reason we have a lot of trouble" "is that we have selves." "If we had no selves," "what trouble would we have?" "Therefore those who embody nobility" "to act for the sake of the world" "seem to be able to draw the world to them," "while those who embody love" "to act for the sake of the world" "seem to be worthy of the trust of the world."

Lao Tzu

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

from the tao te ching... "if you care about what others think of you, you become their prisoner." (along those lines, not exact.)

ran across "wishcraft" last night on the bookshelf... immediately thought of this forum, and recommend it for those of you thinking that maybe there's something out there that's more YOU and less THEM.

big hugs.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

I sometimes wish I was 25 again. Hell I wish I was 30 again. But just 6 monthy away from turning 40 I can honestly say that despite all the stress's I'm going through now that I wouldn't go back. I like who I am NOW. An old saying "Whatever don't kill ya makes you stronger" Do I hear applause: of course I do. We all do, it's just that sometimes we're too busy worrying to hear it. It comes from friends, family and the odd stranger too. But most importantly it comes from ourselves. Pamie I love bowling. The best feeling when bowling is when that ball leaves your hand, and you know without a doubt it's gonna be a strike. Same with decisions in life. Sometimes you just know it's the way to go. The right thing to do. No reason. you just KNOW. take care Pamie.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

I'm 31, and I still worry that someday everyone is going to realize that I'm just faking it. The way I look at it, I've bluffed my way through college and graduate school, through a postdoc, and into a tenure-track faculty position at a research university -- the career path every wide-eyed young research scientist supposedly dreams of. It all still feels like a big accident to me, and I worry that the wool will eventually be pulled away from everybody's eyes. I haven't always had the best grades or the best track record, I don't feel like I know everything I need to know to do the job I have, and the choices I've made have definitely not been designed to get me into the situation I'm in right now. Yet I'm here, by some weird combination of skill, charm, inertia, and flat-out luck. And I may well succeed because success is, in some ways, the path of least resistance.

I'm on this career path because of some early and seemingly trivial choices that have since accumulated into a huge snowball that has more than occasionally crushed other elements of my life (most recently, one husband, and a fabulous social circle and community life back in Champaign). What would require the most energy for me is not continuing in this demanding pain-in-the-ass of a career that I've chosen, but stopping it and doing something else entirely.

It seems like the choices you make in your late teens and early twenties are the first ones that are both volitional and largely irrevocable. So 25 (23 for me) is a great time to start feeling like you've chosen your way into a very small box that you really shouldn't be in. I almost left graduate school when I was 23 and spent a year agonizing over whether or not to leave, getting almost no work done. I tried to give up my specific career ambitions at 27 and refocused myself on being married and having a home. Ultimately I couldn't do it and I bolted, leaving flaming wreckage in my wake. Then I got this job, and now all I can think about is whether I've doomed myself to a celibate and lonely life in a depressing little town in West Redneckistan. I'm always hoping that before I'm too much older I'll be able to figure it out.

None of us, even those who look like we're successful, are entirely sure of ourselves, doing exactly what we want to be doing, or entirely in control of our own destiny.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

Pamie -- I turn 25 on April 5. I am going through exactly the same thing, wondering what I'm doing, whether I should move to San Jose, how much longer I want to keep writing the things I'm writing, how likely it is that this LCP thing is going to go beyond two big shows a year and a few festivals.

It's not even ennui because I'm not depressed or unhappy. I know that I'm doing the stuff I set out to do after college -- I'm writing more than I ever have in my life, so much so that I can crank out a 6,000 word City of Angels recap in a few hours and know that I did a good job with it. I know that I do stuff at work that nobody else there knows how to do and that is very satisfying. But it's hard not to feel like I'm in a rut sometimes.

I'm like you -- if I'm not doing 10 things at a time, i'm not really happy. Between LCP shows, I feel like a total slacker. Now I've got rehearsals, recaps, work, a girlfriend and more obligations than I know what to do with and I don't have time to worry that any of it is wrong. But I'm sure that will come, especially after the big 2-5.

But at the same time, it's all performance. The recaps are an extension of your talent. Squishy is an extension of that. It all makes you a better, more talented writer-slash-actress-slash-human being. The audience is there. :)

Oh man, is it really time to turn 25?

omar

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

well, i'm 27 and when y2k hit, i just went into depression for, like, three days--ohmigod, it's the year 2000, i'm 27 this year, what am i doing with my life?! still living at home, no car, working part-time in *customer service*. no man and no hope.

then someone told me about her life and how she didn't know what the hell until she hit her 30s, then things started coming together.

and because i trust her, i relaxed.

you know, that's the point, i think. this mid-twenties thing. it's a trick. by 23 or so you think you got it together. hell, yeah.

then shit changes a lot, and your back at mom's place, without your big new york job at that monolith publication.

but, i'm feeling really great now. finally clearing out all the baggage i didn't feel pressed about before (eg. exorcising my ex from my "someday we'll be together" subconscious).

that's what the confusion and stress is for i think, to force you to end the things that aren't working, otherwise we sit on our asses forever.

so, yeah, i gotta online editing/writing job in toronto that i'm pretty happy about, gonna have the cash to move out, start buying my "i play in my basement" dj equipment and to keep learning about myself. then, when i'm done with that kind of crazy stability, i'll go back to new york for a while with a juicier resume and it will be sweet. then, who knows?

i would enjoy the great present stuff (eric, your freedom, your cats) get rid of the useless present stuff, and let the universe guide you to the future.

but, for sure, you're not alone.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

If you wake up one day and have all the answers you will have experienced some sort of miracle and the best thing for you to do will be to write a bunch of self-help books and capitalize on your good fortune by bilking millions out of the rest of us who don't have a clue.

I am 36, and I clearly remember my 25 year old crisis. I was absolutely certain that I was at the defining crossroad of my life, and that I was a failure because I had not achieved any of the goals I had set for myself back in high school. Ha. The one thing I wish I had known then is that life rarely follows a predictable path, and that's ok. I have had to make alot of decisions since then, and the funny thing is, even though I never felt like I was sure about my choices, I am really happy about the way it's worked out so far.

Sometimes you just have to close your eyes and jump.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

Oh God Pamie... I know where your at.

My 25th hits me in 2 months and I'm sitting here at my work desk wondering what the hell I'm doing. And just for that extra bit of spice the company I work for has just restructured my work team (a bunch of graphic designers), sacking some and scattering others around the office. But the worst bit of all was that instead of being focussed about planning what to do about my career, all I could think was "shit, I'm almost 25 and this is my life... yeah, great... another 'fantastic' new job.... get me the hell outta here". It's weird, I'm considered a success at what I do, but there's this huge nagging side to me that tells me that I haven't really achieved anything. That life is passing me by and I'm not grabbing the right straws.

I think it's a stage though. I'm not sure. Maybe breaking through that "I'm still really young" stage throws your perception into retrograde. Or maybe you just stop pretending you're content. I don't know... I'll let you know once I've make it through the other side.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2000

I was twenty-one years old when you were BORN, Pamie. I still don't know when I'm doing the right thing---except I'm usually pretty sure about it when everyone else complains about it. For some reason, universal putting-down make me more and more sure I've done something right. I'm contrary that way.

It keeps on happening, in other words.--Al of NOVA NOTES

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

Ugh! Hittin 25 about killed me. I went into a major funk that lasted a good 6-7 months in a baaad way and then declined over the next year. I am now 27 and it is a whole different ball game. I dont know if we set up a bunch of "Life goals" based on the major years.. 25, 30 etc. or if it was just like too much was suddenly gone. Too much behind me and not enough infront. I think we all have our inner dreams and plotting about where we will be and who. I had some upset again when this new years went by too.. like one of the other posters. Why oh why did I see myself celebrating the year 2000 in NYC, thin, in a black dress at some party talking about my glorious career? This started in 4th grade. I was almost relieved to have gotten by it and be done with the whole bs.

But I digress.. I feel more confident then I did at 25. I feel more "on track". I am less intimidated by things. I even feel more free to act like a kid. I dont know all the answers. I still fret and there is moaning and gnashing of teeth if I have stress. But it is waaayyy better then it was at 25! Not that I am lookin forward to 28 or anything.. lets not be silly ;-) Your doin great hon! Be kind to you.

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

Fuck yeah.

I'm 26 now. I actually had to edit that because I wrote 25. For some reason I keep forgetting I turned 26 in November. It's wierd to forget that because it was the best birthday I ever had. My friend Scott made a bunch of sushi, my friend Cait made me a cake with candy dinosaurs on it, we brought all that food to the bowling alley and all my friends showed up.

I'm wicked afraid of being old, especially because I feel like I never did any of the "young" things that "young" people are supposed to do. I only started drinking this past year. I have never done illegal drugs. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 20. I spend my teen years in a professional theater company for chrissake. I was a dorky, akward, unpopular kid so I never had friends or went to parties. I was bitter about that for a long time but learned to get over it a few years ago.

I feel like I have gotten trapped in some wierd adultspace that I don't belong and want to get the hell out of. I've never figured out what I want to do and I am not happy where I am. Well, I know the one thing I want to do is travel around, be a radical agitator, and write. Unfortunately there is nothing in there about eating and going to the doctor. When I got out of college it was the tail end of the recession and it was REALLY hard to find a job. I managed to finagle a pretty good career type of job back in New England and intended to have it for one year, pay off my debts, then go back to grad school or join the Peace Corps. Three years later I am in the same job and still pretty far in debt. The money wasn't nearly as good as I thought and I had to buy a car to commute to the job, which sucks about $600 a month out of my pocket between gas, payments, insurance, maintainence, and parking. I've been getting wicked restless lately, thinking "Shit, I took this job when I was 23. 23 is still young. I'm 26 now. Is it getting too late for me to fuck up my life?" This week I decided I am going to quit my job at the end of the summer and spend the fall travelling, sleeping on the floors of pen pals the way I used to.

Anyone want to put me up?

I'm a little worried about my future because I know the things I like to do don't pay and the things that pay suck the soul out of you. I'm not sure when travelling for the fall if I should sublet my apartment and try to have a job set up for when I get back, or if I should just say "fuck it" and see where life takes me. I want to do the latter, but it is scary as fuck. I'm not one of those lucky folks that seems to live a charmed life. I'm not one of those folks that usually has people do stuff for them. I mean, my life isn't a living hell, but I do need to be a bit careful.

Ok, I'm babbling. It's just that this is a subject I have been thinking about for months. My decision to get out of this job and see the world was probably the most wonderful and liberating decision I have made in a while. This winter sucked, but now I am full of excitement and energy.

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

Amy's answer that "by 25 everything would be perfect" made me stop and laugh. Not at her, but at the concept. Since I was 25 I've been at least four different people living four different lives. I don't think that will ever change, the idea of being able to change, more so once it got started. Life always changes, especially if you let it. It's the fighting against change that gives you, as Amy described, "that clenched feeling that makes you so upset that you can't even swallow."

I'm not the same person now as I was then, and I won't be who I am now by this time next year. I'm 45 and change is the only thing that keeps me moving forward. Change is also the only thing that stays the same, and it isn't tied to a calendar or to a birth date. It's the same at 25 as it is at 45, except then there may be more contingencies and dependencies, like debt and spouses and children and professions. It's easier to make major changes when you are young because there's fewer ramifications. It's harder to make major changes when you are older, because people want you to stay the same person that they have come to know you as and because you've probably got a lot of dependencies, again with the mortgage and debt and children.

It's who you are between your ears at this very point in time, right now, today, and where you're going to go with it that defines who you are and how you feel about yourself. Resisting this is what creates the friction and stress in our lives. Allowing change to grow and to come out is how life changes us, and how we change our lives. To me, that's why the concept of getting into a relationship with one person and staying in that relationship for a lifetime is a flawed notion in this culture, not when people can just pick up and move and say "It's time to leave Dodge, thanks and good bye, have a nice life, I've changed." Not that change is a bad thing, I'm in no way in favor of stifling people. To the contrary. I encourage people to change and grow. In return one should be able to expect those same people to support my change and growth.

Yes, Pamie, it keeps happening as long as you live, for as long as our culture makes it so readily acceptable to do so. As long as you continue to make choices you'll always be re-evaluating those decisions based upon how you grow and mature and upon how your peers respond to your choices. If it stops happening, then you've probably stopped growing.

How do you know when you're doing the right thing? There's usually a lot of resistance - both from inside yourself, and from outside influences. If there's no resistance, then you're probably not changing things all that much and it is having very little effect upon yourself and others. If there's a lot of resistance, especially from within, you're probably making a significant change.

My Father was a life-long school teacher and my Mother a life-long nurse. Married only once each, to each other, for life. Retired from their professions, married until the days they died. My Father once asked me "How can you have so many different jobs, so many different relationships? Why can't you do just one thing?" My response was "How can you have only one?" The culture for them in 1945 wasn't the culture it is for us in 2000. If I have only one life I want all of the experiences, not just one of them.

http://www.MediaCity.com/~dwinslow/uppdate.html

and

http://www.MediaCity.com/~dwinslow

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

Who cares if you are doing the right thing? Isn't this when you are supposed to be making your most interesting mistakes? I hope so...

26 next month...

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

a lot of folks here are worrying and dreading the big 2-5. all i have to say is ... my mom just turned 50 two weeks ago. think about how she feels, looking back on half a century! we don't have much to complain about ... yet!

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

Because Megan brought up her mom, I will say this about mine. She looks and feels better at 51 than she has her whole life.

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

last night a weird conversation came between my hubby and me-

he can't understand that i constantly change my mind, even daily, on what i want to do, how i want to do it, what i like.

he sticks to like/dislike, this is my career path, etc.

which is why, i suppose, he can say things like, "don't make me choose between my dream and you."

can i blame the stars for this? are we doomed?

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

First thing - Pamie I seriously thought you were older then 25. And please don't take that the wrong way. But seriously- you seemed to have it so together, I just *assumed* you were older then me. Big "DOH!" moment on my part.

I started my mid-20's crisis the year before last. At exactly 25. It hasn't ended yet, and I turn 27 this year. I actually emailed my sister about it and asked why the hell no one mentioned this absolutely crushing panic I was experiencing and her response? "Hasn't ended yet." She's turning 30 this year.

FaaaaBULOUS!

And the funny things is, I have two or three friends a couple of years younger then myself, so they've all just recently turned 25. And I've recently had extremely intense conversations with each of them about the very same thing : "Where am I going? Who am I? Why am I doing *THIS*? What do *I REALLY* want to do? Why do I want to do that? How do I get there? What the hell is going on?"

But I have noticed, that if you sit down and focus, and think about what it really was you wanted a few years ago, when you first started making *real* choices -- you can figure it out.

I nearly got blinded by bucks and sucked into the whole web deal when what I've always wanted to do is get into writing/editing. And yet this web job I was offered had an incredible salary, a great location, fabulous perks, the whole deal. And then I was offered an editing job. Less money, less perks, not full time, crappy location. But a *good* career choice. I actually had to *think* about it! DUH?

And that was a rude awakening for me. To know that I had almost set aside what I really truely wanted to do *for money*. I came that close to being one of those 30-40 year olds who wake up one day and wonder what the hell became of their dreams.

As for when do you *know* you're doing the right thing -- I think when everything falls into place. Like, I knew I had the right apartment when the lease and the moving in and all that just worked itself out. And I knew I had the right job when even though I interviewed in jeans and a sweatshirt and in fact thought I bombed the interview, I was offered the job two hours later. And not only that, by taking this job I had to switch agencies, and in doing so, was able to call up my former (adorable) account-manager and ask him out for drinks.

So I think I just may be on the right track. But I still wonder, every day! I'm trying to just let it go and relax though. That really helps. A lot. I highly recommend a few quite sundays, just you and a cup of tea and your thoughts. Helps a lot.

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

For me, 25 was the year when people stopped treating me like a kid. It wasn't like I suddenly looked or acted older, but I remember that really well. It was also the year where I felt like I should start getting on with my life...choosing a career, buying a house, etc., etc.. I only 27 now, but the the feeling that I'm no longer a kid/young adult is only getting stronger.

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

i've actually been having this discussion with a co-worker, although it isn't about dreading 25. i made it through the 25th birthday with relatively no pouting. but 26 has me scared shitless.

for me, 25 is still in that early-twenties arena, where people still don't expect too much of you. if you make a mistake, people say "she's still young." make that mistake at 26 and it is "for the love of god, she's 26 years old! when will she grow up?"

it seems like 26 is soooo much closer to 30 than 25. it seems to come with so much more weight and responsibility. and i suppose every year does, really. but i was talking with the above mentioned co-worker, who is 37, and she said really things get a lot easier as you get older. things that were really troubling at 24 or 25 just fall into place.

let's pray to god she's right.

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

(Gee, Megan, and you too, Mis, thanks for mentioning your mothers... who are both younger than me...)

Pamie, when I turned twenty-five, uh, your parents probably hadn't even been introduced to each other yet... I'll hit fifty-seven in about five weeks... and I'm slightly annoyed by reaching that age... It means that I'm only three years away from the big Six-Oh and yet I swear my wife had thrown me a surprise Five-Oh party just a couple years ago (and a Four-Oh just slightly before that!)... It is abit anoying that people expect these kinds of age numbers to represent old people... I don't really feel all that much different than I did twenty or thirty years ago -- okay, so there may be more aches and pains in the morning, etc. and more grey in my hair but I don't really feel any diffent. So ten or twelve years ago if I really got into shape I could run five miles in maybe thirty-six minutes and I kept hoping I could get it down to thirty-five even but today I would have to struggle and train to do it in forty minutes, but I can enjoy the experience just as much.

I didn't go through any crisis at twenty-five (other than the thought that I had just reach a quarter of a century, which sounded really strange.) I was too busy then, working and going to grad school and worrying about the draft and the war and and supporting a wife and a family because in a few months I would become a father for the first time. Other than reliving the joy of being a new father I don't think that I would care to go back to those screwed up times. Life is much better now.

The really annoying thing about my age is that I am aware of the number and I know that I really should only be able to call myself middle-aged if I expect to live past 110 years old. Hmmmm, what are the odds of that? My mother lived to be 80; my father lived to be 85. If I am going to outlive my father by two years that means I have thirty years left. That's not very friggin' long! Hell, even if I live to be one hundred, I'm past the half way point. I find this to be quite annoying.

Jim

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

25 really sucked. 26 and 27 have not been a big deal at all.

I'm dreading 30, though. And why? Why are the numbers ending in 5's and 0's any more significant than any other? I mean, what's with the number voodoo?

When I was 25, my brother told me, "Oh, you're just having that mid- 20s crisis thing where you have to re-evaluate your life and your relationships and everything. Everybody does that. You'll be fine." It made me feel better, somehow.

-- Anonymous, March 24, 2000