Do you have an angry letter to write?

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Answers

Dear Phone Company,

Ok, it's been like three days now. Will you get off your sorry asses and fix the phone please? Please stop telling us that "well, we see that there's something wrong..."

We *know* there's something wrong, that's why we called you to fix it! You're severely wasting my journal flava.

Thanks for nothing, you assholes.

Love, Thetis

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear Work, I heard about a lonely Work somewhere in the US called "Pamie's work", maybe you should just phone her and take a two week vacation to meet her. NOW ! Love anyway -nv

Dear Debugging Tool, THANKS ! Your "Access violation in {debugging tool}. Press OK to quit or Cancel to debug with {debugging tool}" -Errormessage really made my day. Still giggling. -nv

Dear Time, If you could manage to arrange some time travel for me directly to 1 hour AFTER my dentists appointment tomorrow, I'd be VERY grateful. please! -nv

Dear Friday, I know you are out there. I can sense your extraordinary power, please rescue me. eternal love, -nv

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear HTML-Codes,

I HATE YOU !!!

brrrrr...
-nv

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear California:

I've been flirting on and off with the idea of moving to you for the past year or so, but your actions yesterday have given me pause. I can't believe that the state which contains San Francisco and Hollywood is so backwards, lame-ass and plain old NASTY as to pass the laws and pick the candidates you did. People may make fun of us Kennedy-lovers in Massacusetts, but at least we're not facists.

Dear Long-Haired Personal-Ad Boy:

I know first phone calls can be nerve-wracking, but the appropriate response when the guy you've been e-mailing about "LTR"s finally connects with you on the phone is *not* "Which one are you?"

Dear Diary-L:

I don't subscribe to you, but I hear from my co-committee member that the very thought of a JournalProm sparked heated debates which reached flame-war style proportions within minutes. Relax. Get lives. Go outside once in a while.

Dear Canada:

Don't think you're off the hook, just because California is acting so badly. I still hold a grudge about Fox.

Dear Donuts:

Could you stop dressing up in frosting and sprinkles on Saturday mornings? It's unfair. I've managed to pass you by three weekends in a row, but if you keep dolling yourself up like tarts (mmmm.... tarts), I will soon run out of willpower.

Dear Ricky Martin:

If Pamie doesn't want you, I'll take you. Heck, even if she still wanted you, I suspect I'm a little closer to what you want. I'm no Enrique Iglesias, but then who is?

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear Bay Area,

What Patrick said. Yeah, you come around with your sunny weather and you big money and your I'm-so-hip-and-forward-thinking attitude but you're just a bunch of money-grubbing pigs. You think because you have a lot of state parks and domestic partnership registration in San Francisco and you wear Birkenstocks to work you get some kind of credit for being a hippie. Hello, a person in a Mercedes or a Roadster is not a hippie. You think the whole damn state can just coast along on the reputation of SF and Santa Cruz. And then you think we'll forgive you just because you have good weather. Dream on.

You know who you're like? Steve Forbes. "I am about pure technology! I am about the people! I am new and refreshing! I have so much money I took out my brain and my heart and my soul and replaced them with stock certificates!" The honeymoon is OVER, babe. I'm tired of you. And don't give me that crap about it being Southern California's fault. MY OWN COUNTY voted for Prop 22! It's disgusting!

I didn't want to be here anyway. I only came here because I thought it was lame to live in Boston for my whole life without trying anything else. Well, I've tried. And now I can move back without apology.

Yours in disillusionment, Jessie

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear Texas air,

Clear the hell up already, would you? I haven't been able to breathe since November.

Overmedicated and grouchy, Leigh Anne

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear Diary-l,

Man. You're out of control. I may have to unsubscribe if you don't stop making my head hurt.

-

Dear Mother Nature,

I'm really enjoying the unseasonably beautiful March weather. Please, just this once, don't dump a ton of snow on us Canadians when we're just starting to allow ourselves to believe winter's really over. Thanks.

- Dear stairmaster at the gym i just joined,

I love you. Move in with me. We could have a beautiful relationship together in front of the tv.

I long for you again. I will see you soon.

- Dear "free" hoisery people,

Stop sending me your freaking threats. I received the free pair. I didn't receive any other pairs to purchase because the free pair developed a run about 7 seconds after putting them on so i chose to NOT send in an order form requesting more. I don't want any of your crappy nylons. I don't owe you any money. I won't send you a penny. Not ONE penny. If you want your stinkin' thirteen bucks, come to my house and try to pry it out of my wallet. Leave me alone.

-

Dear head,

Please let me sleep. I don't like taking the sleeping pills so i'd appreciate it if you'd just let me sleep like the dead like you always used to.

- Dear Cricket,

I love you my little kitten. I even like it when i wake up and discover you were sleeping on my head. I love it when you sleep on my lower back in bed at night, even if it means i suffer discomfort for the sake of your happiness. But if you don't stop sticking your claws into my back in the morning, they will be removed. By me. With my teeth.

Oh, and really, it's not necessary to announce to me, or to the entire block that you have used your litter box. I don't hunt you down to tell you that i just had a nice little pee, it's truly not necessary to do it for me either. Just go, do what you do, and then get on with your life.

-- Love to all,

Sherry

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear head ow, i get it all righty? you're hurting, i know. me too. i gave you some advil! shut up!

Dear lungs i would appreciate it if you would start working properly again, instead of keeping me up at night hacking, and having everyone everywhere i go look at me like i have the plague because i sound so horrible. and enough with the phlegm! tell the nose i said so too

dear art school calm down. only two months left. you don't have to kill me ya know!

dear stained glass i and my fingers would appreciate it if you would stop cutting us. it hurts. and i'm running out of bandaids.

dear creative muse come back!!! where did you go!

dear all ex-boyfriends stop it. i know you'd still sleep with me. that doesn't mean i will.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear head ow, i get it all righty? you're hurting, i know. me too. i gave you some advil! shut up!

Dear lungs i would appreciate it if you would start working properly again, instead of keeping me up at night hacking, and having everyone everywhere i go look at me like i have the plague because i sound so horrible. and enough with the phlegm! tell the nose i said so too

dear art school calm down. only two months left. you don't have to kill me ya know!

dear stained glass i and my fingers would appreciate it if you would stop cutting us. it hurts. and i'm running out of bandaids.

dear creative muse come back!!! where did you go!?

dear all ex-boyfriends stop it. i know you'd still sleep with me. that doesn't mean i will.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear Cramps:

I have a friend who has some things to say to you. No, really, it's not me! It's my friend, I swear! I don't have a problem with you anymore, thanks to my doc and his magic pills, but that's not the point of my letter. It's about my friend! Why oh why can't you take the hint and leave her alone? She's done everything but flat out tell you to your face and she's not far from that point! Should it really take half a bottle of Motrin for you to catch her drift? Does she need to pack your suitcases for you? Call you a taxi?

So what it comes down to is this, Cramps. My friend is just too nice to make a scene about you so I have to do it for her. Couldn't you just be the Nice Guy for once and skedaddle? I know she'd appreciate it.

Thanks, man. I owe ya.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear Brain,

Please just make up your mind. Quit thinking our job is the worst job in the world and wanting to quit, and then the next day thinking it's not that bad really and it could be a lot worse if you think about it. Just figure it out and then get back to me with the results, mmkay?

xoxo
Jan

Dear Slade Gorton,
Hi, yeah, I just moved here, but can I just say that if you're going to be second in Senatorial evil only to Strom Thurmond, could you at least not have an evil-sounding name? I mean, come on, "Slade Gorton"? Why don't you just change your name to "Snidely Whiplash"? Or "Satan"?

Your Registered To Vote Constituent,
Jan

Dear Body,

Get with it. I know you want to lose the 20 pounds. You feel better when we exercise. So quit ruining it by craving pizza. You know I'm not going to feed you pizza, so quit asking for it. I mean it. No, this time I REALLY mean it, not like the other times. I'm taking you to the weight machines tonight, and you're going to like it, mister.

Yrs,
Jan

Dear Sun,

I know I wrote to you awhile back but did you not get my letter? I miss you a lot. Are you still out there? I'm starting to think you were a fairy tale that Mom told me when I was six.

Hugs & Smooches,
Jan

Dear NBC,

Seriously, what the hell is up? I watch exactly three shows per week. They are, in order of importance, West Wing, Saturday Night Live, and South Park. You may notice that two of those three shows are on your network, and last week you PRE-EMPTED ONE OF THEM. Martin Sheen is the best thing that's happened to your network since The Cosby Show, so get with the program.

Yrs impatiently,
Jan

Dear Employers,

Hi, I work for you, remember me? I'd just like to point out that if you made use of my time effectively, for example by letting me improve your crappy-ass webpage or, I don't know, edit your crappy-ass books, then that would be better than giving me stupid projects that a precocious chimpanzee could accomplish. Also the chimpanzee would get it done quicker, because it would not have to take constant sanity breaks instead of working.

Yrs from the office on the left,
Jan

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear Memory,

You know where you failed me. You know where you let me down. I can't believe you forgot something SO SO SO VERY IMPORTANT. For three days in a row. Please try to do better. I need you.

No love for now,

Joy

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear Management Company,
I call to report problems with my apartmen because I would like to have them fixed. Maybe this is news to you, but it's your job. You're fired. I'm moving.

Dear Shoulder Spasm,
I'm getting off of the computer, I swear. Quit making me twitch.

Harry Anderson,
Quit making the same, "I'm Harry...." Joke. If you refuse I will have to quit watching Night Court in re-run. Were you this annoying when I was 12?

Cia

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear Boyfriend's Evil Employer,

WTF?? What is this deal making my new boyfriend travel all week for like--8 weeks in a row? What are you thinking? I finally found someone really, really, nice and sweet and now you're taking him away from me! You suck.

Definitely no Love,

Joy

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear Hard Drive,

Please come back! I know I'm supposed to back you up, so I don't suffer your loss so badly. But you're only a year old! You're too young to die! It should have been your slow-as-dirt five year old brother that died. Not you. Oh, come back to me!

Love, Cindy

Dear five year old hard drive,

Don't believe what I said. I was just emotional. I do love you. You're my tried and true friend, and I will always be faithful to you. You're all I've got. I owe you one.

Love, Cindy

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear hips, I know that you are wide in order to birth babies, and I also know that my mom passed on some extra-special-baby-birthing-hips genes, but haven't you been listening for the past 11 years? I've told you since pre-puberty that NO BABIES are coming through you, and yet you still seem to think that you need to accomodate them. NO BABIES! NOT NOW, NOT EVER! You really can shrink now. Thanks, Kristin

Dear members of the student organization I run, You know how we have meetings on Sunday at 7:30? Probably not, because you never come. I've heard your pansy "I don't want to miss the X-Files" excuse one time too many. I even suggested moving the meetings back to 7:00 to accomodate you, but then some other lame-o claimed they didn't want to miss the Simpsons. GET A LIFE, PEOPLE! Let's compare: You can park your butt for an hour and watch a show that will invariably be re-ran in a few weeks, or you can come to a meeting just once a week and do satisfying, rewarding, fun things that result in social change and don't look half-bad on your resume, either. Get off your asses! Love, Kristin

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear NBC,

Please don't listen to Pamie. I liked The 10th Kingdom. Please re-run it because I missed the first two parts.

Thanks,
Allyson

P.S. More Friends! Dear Chemistry,

PLEASE GO AWAY!!!! I don't care about electrons, I don't care about moles, I don't care about he change in enthalpy for a freaking reaction! And I don't see how this will help in my future!!!

Respectfully yours,
Allyson

Dear Speech and Debate judges,

I don't care if the poem about Hansel and Gretel was *cute* or the girl's witch voice was *sweet*, damnit, Dante's Inferno was better and you know it! Same for anybody who does Back to Class.

Thanks,
Allyson

Dear Thunder 103.5,

I don't listen to Led Zepplin. I don't know anybody else who would listen to Led Zepplin, at least not enough for you to devote a whole block of Led Zepplin, so please, stop with the Led Zepplin. Devote the time to a more worthy cause like...Crosby, Stills and Nash. You never play them.

Thanks,
Allyson

Dear AP History Teacher,

No more outlines, no more outlines, no more outlines!

Gratefully yours,
Allyson

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear Celine Dion,

The word "love," as used in your current single, does not actually have an "r" in it. I know you are Canadian and everything, but cut that shit out. I mean, "Leurve comes to those who believe it"??? C'mon.

P.S. If you see N'Sync, please tell them that their secret powers have obviously worked on me (as well as Pamie, apparently) because I cannot get their "Bye Bye Bye" song out of my head AND, when I catch the video on MTV (which is not hard to do since it's on every five minutes), something makes me watch it until at least the part where the cute one does that little smile thing...you know what I'm talking about...it sends me.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Oh yeah, I forgot one.

Dear 101X,

You're an alternative station. Like, new music and stuff? We don't listen to Metallica anymore. It's really not necessary to play it once a day. Every day. Around five. When I'm trying to go home. Until you stop drowing me in bad high school/junior high flashbacks, YOU'RE the Unforgiven.

Oh, and you can play all the Korn you want, I'm not going to like it so you might as well just stop. Ditto on the Kid Rock.

No love,

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear N'Sync boys,

It is clear you have made some sort of pact with the devil. Your hypnotizing powers have affected so many of us. I love "Bye Bye Bye," I admit it. I love the video. And I'm normally such a music snob...what have you done to me?!

Get out of my head, Leigh Anne

P.S. Chris is cute!!

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear Life,

Will you please stop making me run around in circles? Honestly, I'm starting to get dizzy and sick, and you know what happens when I get dizzy and sick. You make me cry. You make me mad. Sometimes I want you to go away, but hey, who can stop you?

STOP DRIVING ME CRAZY!

Love, Jocelyn

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Pamie's right. Korn, Kid Rock and Metallica are the Unholy Trinity of Suck.

Letter. OK.

Dear Co-worker From Hell: Your ploy to drive me insane with micromanagement has failed. Okay, so it seemed like a great idea to constantly harp and nitpick and annoy me so as to divert attention away from your 4-hour day, 3 1/2 day work week. I understand, you hate your job and think you're too important to have a cube like the rest of us. (Guess what? I actually used to have an office with a door and a staff under me and I don't miss that job one bit! I don't have 'issues' working in a freaking cube. If it's good enough for people who have been here longer, have a higher rank and earn more a year than I, then it's good enough for me.) The fact that you took 5 days to 'repair a flat tire' has not gone unnoticed. The fact that you snuck onto my computer after hours to try and read my files...well, that was just evil AND stupid. But the best part of all was how you wrote an arrogant, evil, nasty, insolent note to me over e-mail while I was two feet away from you...and thus gave me something to print out and take to HR.

There's a higher-paid higher-level job opening up. I'm qualified for it, and I plan to apply. Since I've been doing all your work for you for 8 months, I'm sure actually having something to do all day will be a new and rewarding experience for you if (when) I transfer.

I dedicate several dozen 'Dilbert' cartoons to you, including this one:

Cow-orkerbert: Dilbert, collate blah blah file blah blah compile blah blah analyze blah blah and bring this to me, chop chop!

Dilbert: *cheerily* Okay. *takes pile of papers -- CRINKLE CRINKLE WAD CRUMPLE STUFF -- tosses them into File 13*

Cow-orkerbert: *looking mourndully at trashcan and pouting* THAT wasn't very nice.

Dilbert: *calmly & pleasantly* The lesson for today IS: you are my co- worker, not my boss.

Enjoy your blatant job hunting. We all hope you get whatever you're applying for and that you leave.

No love whatsoever, M

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

(not angry... sorry) Dear Hands,

Thank you for never even thinking about turning on the radio while awake, and for slapping the snooze button in the morning before I can even identify the song.

Thanks to your diligence, I am immune to n-sync, christine agua-whatever, brittany spears and all the other little teeny-bopper crap music.

Keep up the good work and I will continue to annoint thy fingers with expensive lotion several times a day.

Love ya!

Thetis

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear Bay Area,

P.S. Yeah, I said it, I said your weather wasn't going to make me love you. I guess I don't really understand why you're so immature that that makes you rain on me two days in a row. It's sure not winning you any more friends, because I've been talking to them. You thought it was all subtle the way you started right after I voted. Well, kiss my ass. Even your mother always liked me better.

Love, Jessie

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear Brendan Fehr/Duchovny-lite:
Get outta my dreams and into my bedroom. Stat.
Dear Joss Whedon:
Please, please, please make Faith a regular on the show. You could kill Buffy and replace her with Faith, for all I care. All Faith, all the time. Yeeeeahhhh.
Dear sushi:
Please stop wooing me with your siren song. You are too expensive.
Dear "Sleepy Hollow":
Hurry up and be released on video so I can have my own copy of you, already.
Dear Fiona Apple:
I love your music, and I agree with a lot of your views. You are, however, a complete nut and a pretentious brat. You may well have problems, and if so I feel bad for you. But whether it is genuine illness, image-conscious acting-up or plain old-fashioned prima donna- osity at work, do something about it. Get thee to therapy, or get over yourself.


-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear Program Head G.B., Your antics tick me off. Pick on someone your own size. Just because I choose not to pursue a career in the field I am currently studying, does not give you free reign to slam my new choice. Buzz off. Your prize student.

Dear Caro, Hang in there. Love does strange things. Yer bud, Wren

Dear City of Edmonton workers, Please pick up my garbage on the scheduled day. I dislike picking up shredded bags of refuse & recycling two days after it was to be hauled away. Love, The little blue house before the big appartment building.

Dear U-Haul, I plan on telling EVERYONE that you don't insure your vehicles properly, and cause severe difficulties to your paying customers when they are faced with police officers. Scoundrels. Register the damned trucks. Harrrumph, You know who we are...

Dear Feet, Would you so kind to warm up? In the absence of my husband, I regretfully have no masculine body parts to snuggle your toes against at night. The woollen socks aren't working. Nippy & I'll be reunited in 5 weeks. Until then, could you grant me a reprieve? Cooly Yours, wren

Dear Everyone who slams Canadians, Enough already. And I've heard sufficient 'igloo' jokes to last a lifetime. Your Friendly Neighbour, wren PS: We don't care for Celine either. But The Tragically Hit is the best music ever. PSS: Thank you in advance. You guys are great.

Dear Laura, The other Laura, Ruby, & Cam Thank you for putting up with my husband for the time being. I'll make it up to you. Love Ren

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear Everybody Who Writes N'Sync or N*Sync, It's *NSYNC or 'NSYNC. The apostrophe or star comes first. This probably doesn't belong in this forum because it's not an angry letter. Just a little pet peeve of mine. (And, no, I'm not a fourteen year old who thinks she's going to marry Justin).

Dear Michael,

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear School: Why must you be so damned tedious? I put in almost four years of hard labor. Can't I get something INTERESTING in return? One good environmental science class does not cut it, buddy.
Dear Intuition: Stop being right. You scare me sometimes. You scare other people, too.
Dear Mind and/or Emotions: Make a decision. Stop lying to me and changing your stories twenty minutes later.
Dear Typo Demons Who Infest My Keyboard: Enough already! You're making me look bad.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Dear NBC, I know you guys are getting a lot of heat right now, but you've aroused my ire as well. 1: That stupid commercial for the West Wing is the most annoying thing since the ads for Malcolm in the Middle (see another forum entry). If I don't care what critics think of a show, what makes you think I care about how much Joe Schmoe and the Fam love it? "Every American should see this show"? Granted, it's a good show and most Americans need to learn a little about the governmental process, but really. 2: Is Dateline just for tards? See, we all knew there was a catch to the 10-10-suck-my-balls ads, we didn't need you to spell it out for us. Don't get me started on the story about the kid who was paralyzed during the Columbine tragedy. It was one of the most blatant attempts to sensationalize and capitalize on another person's suffering I have ever seen. Plus, we heard from everyone but the kid. He obviously didn't want to talk to your automaton, so leave the guy alone. See, now you got me started. Oh, you're going to pay. 3: It's a little late to be jumping on the cartoon bandwagon, isn't it? James Garner- he loves beef and the Rockford Files theme rocked- I can see him as God. The devil would most likely be a bleached-blonde with a goatee. Okay, I'll watch it once- but I'll be very critical. 4: This is for the production staff of the 10th Kingdom- if you wanted it to be a fantasy, take notes from Tolkein; if you wanted it to be a comedy, make it funny.

Yours in spite, andy

Dear mother of the kid from Columbine who was paralyzed,

Look, I know you figure you should get something out of this tragedy like everyone else, but let's think about your kid for once. Do you think he enjoyed the Dateline interview? Do you think you deserved to be the one talking 90% of the time? What really got me, though, was your reaction to the suicide of one of the other maimed survivors- "It could have been me. I was at that point." What? Look, quit the Kathy Lee bullshit and stop thinking that everything comes back to how it affects you. Did you ever think of how close your child came to suicide, or may still be? Or how the suicide of his friend, with whom he spent months of painful therapy, may have affected him? But what I'm really afraid of is if you plan to have another child. Because if you like the attention from your child being hurt this much, we may have a little Munchausen-by-proxy problem on our hands.

Yours in disgust, andy

Dear Fate,

What's up with the mixed signals? My girlfriend and I break up, and I think, "Wow, I should go ahead with the move to LA." Then in the same 24 hour period I'm offered the promotion I was sure I wouldn't get- I mean I interviewed after a 9 1/2 hour all night shift, for God's sake. So please make up your mind and either have someone give me my own TV show (not on NBC, I think I burned that bridge) or let all of my friends fess up and tell me I have no talent.

Yours, or am I? andy

Dear Break Ups,

You suck. Really. Fucker.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

Dear Chadwicks of Boston, You are evil! I thought that buying cheap suits would do me and my pocketbook a favor. But no. I was very wrong. Even though you sent me the wrong item and I returned it and then payed you, you continue to call me AT WORK and harrass me saying you never got either item. Now, i'm to blame for not insuring the package, but I KNOW that it got to you since I sent out two other packages that day and they arrived safely across the country. Also, I sent you the goddamn copy of the cancelled check, yet you continue to harrass me even after I gave you my home # and asked you not to call me at work. Plus, as if all this wasn't enough...just b/c one uses their mother's catalog to place the order does not a fellon make. Your incompetent company better get a clue that I DID NOT committ fraud against my mother by using her catalog. Just so you know, this little ordeal has spurred me to call you in to the Better Business Bureau and since I work in a corporate setting, you better believe that I have made all my colleagues and contacts aware of this escapade and they will no longer be ordering ANYTHING from you. YOu can, indeed, "Suck an Elf" and if you continue to harrass me for your mistakes I will take legal action. I hate you!!!

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

dear prozac-

why do i feel like the office drunk? please clear my head! i don't care if i'm brand-spanking happy, i just wanna stop stumbling around the office, drooling.

thanks a bunch.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

Dear Alarm Clock,

I hate you. Words cannot describe how much I hate you. I really really really hate you. With every fiber of my being, I hate you. I hate you in the morning, when you ring, and take my beloved away from me. I hate you in the afternoon, when you blare and tell me that I soon have to go to the place I hate almost as much as you, my job. But I just want you to know your days are numbered. I am going to get myself a gun, set you on that big stump in the forest and have a moment of orgasmic pleasure in blowing you to peices. I may have to buy another one, but I'll deal if it means I can kill you.

Anti-Love,

Bryan

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

Dear Work, Why do you have to get between me, my boyfriend, and school? You're so histrionic. Always have to be the center of attention. I know you help me out with rent, bills, and all that, but enough is enough, okay? I've spent 27 hours with you in the past 3 days. Can I have some "me" time? I've got to finish my photo project and snuggle with Geoff. But no, it's all about you, now isn't it? I think we need some time apart so I can cool down. Is that okay? Love, Icka

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

Dear Boy, Why are you such a putz? No, really, why? Do you see that device next to your stereo, the one with the cord and the buttons with numbers on the front? Yup, the one that makes noise until you pick it up. That's the one. Well, if you pick up the headpiece and punch the numbers, you can actually call people instead of waiting for them to call you. I know, I know, it's amazing. Try it. No, no, not in random order, you have to know which numbers to push when. See that piece of paper I put next to the phone? Those are the numbers you should use. Go ahead, I dare you. I'll wait right here. Thanks, Erica

Dear Mr. Cuervo: First of all, let me thank you for a wonderful time on Friday. I don't mind that you made me dance with that nice bald man who probably graduated from high school with my grandfather, and it doesn't really bother me that I told that guy from the band that Linda wanted to take him out back and do him (although Linda's pretty pissed at you, I'd stay away from her for a bit til she cools down). I was wondering, however, why you suddenly turned on me? Everything between us was fine, but suddenly you wanted no part of me and you were hurrying out the door. Did I offend you? Please tell me what I did that made you so upset you felt you had to ruin my good time and leave me when I was in such poor health. I look forward to hearing from you, E.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

(not angry - sorry)

Dear Boyfriend,

Thanks for being so cool and tolerant even when I nag you for coming home late, eat the McDonalds you bought for yourself (when I'd already had dinner) and then fall asleep, only to wake you up at 3 am to ask 'Are you going to leave me?' You're great. Sorry. And thanks.

Love,

Nicola

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

Dear Citibank Creditcard,
I like using you, it means I don't have to worry about carrying cash. I like not having to worry about whether or not I have enough money for gas, but it has to end. You have to stay in my wallet. I can not continue to pay for your children's college fund.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

Dear Car,

I can now empathize with Paula Poundstone about you and those of your species. I buy you new brake shoes. You won't wear them. You squeal and whine about them, worse than you did about the old ones. And you've only had these for three months.

I try rewarding you with your favorite higher octane food, but it doesn't work. Still you complain. So I try punishment. I send you to the garage and make you stand in the corner, but all you do is sit there in Park and sulk at me.

I try to be a good mother, but enough is enough. You're going back to the mechanic for an attitude adjustment.

Don't MAKE me turn this bus around,

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

Dear Americans.. You cannot possibly be as interested in politics as your media would have us believe.. Are you?? Cause I'm getting pretty sick of all this Presidential candidate crap... Could you possibly elect someone without all the fan-fare and preliminary crap?? Lets work on this, OK??

Dear Billy Corgan... I dare you to write a happy song...In fact, I DOUBLE DARE YOU....

Dear NBC... Please dont cancel Freaks and Geeks.. I love that show... and what the hell else is on Monday nights anyway, other than Regis?? And we all know thats going to get old real soon...

Dear winter... you suck.... I mean really.... come on... do you have to come every year?? and with the snow?? and wind?? please...

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

Dear Mr. Sun,

Come back! Come back! How dare you leave just as I'd gotten the windows open and started gardening again. Hmph. I won't be singing "Good Day Sunshine" to the cats until you have come back to rescue me from this grey hell.

Jeliza

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

Dear Divorce Records and Rick Monroe,

That's right, it's me again. Thought I forgot about the guitar I "won" from you guys, huh? Well I didn't, and I won't. It's been what, 8 months now, and you still can't figure out how to get it to me? Well guess what, we have a thing called shipping now. I'm not sure how you get all of your crappy little CD's with pretty-boy, feather-haired, carefully groomed 5 o'clock shadow Rick on the cover to his legion of fans (4 pre-pubescent Catholic school girls whose moms don't let them buy Backstreet Boys albums and a cult in Bosnia), but you can put things in a box, slap some stickers on it, and a guy in a truck will take it wherever you want it to go. Hurry up, or there's gonna be a heap of trouble. Just wait till your website crashes from all of the hate mail you'll recieve once I recruit Cal to take up my cause. Sure, he's cute, but he's got the mind of a leader of many mews. Avaunt thee, sniveling cowards!

XXOO your biggest fan, andy

ps- if you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic about the fan part. pps- but not about the XXOO part- rowr! ppps- okay, that was sarcasm, too.

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

Dear School!

I'm happy that you think it's really funny to give me 400 works at a time, but it's not laughter mode you see on my face.

It's even less funny that the past 3 days I had to suffer from your weird class trip, waking up at 5:45am with a crazy person knocking on the door.

It's even LESSER AND LESSER funny, that me and 3 more girls got stuck in the guys zone, and the 4 girls in the room next to us were smoking, and we were almost blamed for that.

So let me kill you now, so I could be free.

Love, May

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

One quick love letter:

Dear Luck,
My God! You've just been phenomenally well-behaved lately. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
love,
Laurel

Okay.

Dear Teenage-Looking Greaser Who Teaches My Editing Two Class (I think your name is Mark),
Just because you're snide does not make you cool. I hate you. Eat shit. Thanks.

love,
Laurel

Dear Record Industry,
Why hast thou forsaken us? Jeez.
love,
Laurel

Dear Self-Injury Disorder Or Whatever I'm Supposed To Call You,
Please, please leave my friends alone. Please.
Laurel

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

Dear Billy Corgan,
I'd like to echo Pamie's sentiments about your annoying vocal stylings. That a capella break in "Everlasting Gaze" does not by any stretch of the imagination make you sound good. And for fuck's sake, grow some hair!!!!! Try looking like a human being again

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

Dear Midwestern winters,

You're really gay. What's this bullcrap? 70 sunny degrees one day, 25 dreary degrees the next? Get off the hormonal roller coaster.

Dear Politics,

All forms. American, work and family. You know who you are. Rot in hell. I'm tired of your B.S. Go away. That's why I feign ignorance. You know, it's bliss when I really am.

Dear Lovelife,

You're not funny. I want to wait for someone and you tempt me with quick-fix solutions. Bug someone else.

Dear People in General,

What's with the money obession? You make it too important. Stop selling your soul for it.

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

Dear Kevin Spacey,

could you please just go away? I'm sick and tired of all those critics proclaiming you to be 'he who can do no wrong', trying to make me believe that I had to make do with no-talents like Dustin Hoffman and Jack Nicholson until you came along. Get a job in a hamburger joint already, will you? Please? And take that Annette Bening character with you while you're at it.

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

Dear Kevin Spacey,

Please don't listen to Stijn. He doesn't love you like I love you. Don't go anywhere.

Devoted to you, Misty

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

Dear Ebay, We have to stop seeing eachother. I give and give to you and what do I get in return? Jeremy Irons and Trace Adkins stuff. I'm not thinking that's a very good trade off anymore. Goodbye,

Amy

Dear Tru-Green Chemlawn,

I told you I didn't want your service anymore...at all..ever! Now you snuck over and put little holes all over my lawn. Leave me alone I hate you! Thanks

Amy

Dear 75 degrees,

I've been with your cousins 30 degrees and below for over 5 months now. You show up in my life for 2 days this week. I was enjoying you so much how could you just leave me like that? Please, please come back soon. I love you.

Amy

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

yeah, what andy said.....except for the fate thing and the breakup thing. Well, breakups DO suck...geez, ok I'll move on.

Dear "Passions" writers,

Could you be so kind as to write more scenes for Luis? I mean like EVERY scene. Don't laugh. You don't understand. I love him. I mean I LOVE him. This is no Ricky Martin kinda love, either, baby. This is the real thing. I tape it everyday so I won't miss any of him....and sometimes....you have the gall to exclude my beloved from the whole show? WTF? Don't let it happen again!

thanks,

alexis

ps oh and....you can kiss my ass for forcing me to watch a soap in the first damn place.

Dear Galen Gering's parents,

You really should have put the crack pipe down before you named your oh so beautiful son "Galen". What the hell were you thinking? Didn't you know that he was going to be on a soap and that I would fall madly in love with him? If it's a family name or whatever, don't go around thinkin' that it's going to continue with the children that he and I will have. Oh no.

your future daughter in law,

alexis

Dear Alexis,

How old are you again?

Dear really cute cd changer repair guy,

THANK YOU for making my cd changer all better, but ummm....do you have to be such a 'cowboy' kinda guy? All that yes ma'am, no ma'am shit was KILLING me. I'm not old enough to be a ma'am. I don't even want any of my students ma'aming me, and they are 6 years old!!! and the can ring in your pocket. You dip? WHY? Nasty. Then you had someone, Tim McGraw maybe....whining in the background. whatever.

but really thanks for the great work!!

alexis

Dear high school boys that work out at the same time I do,

Yes, you three are very attractive boys. BOYS. Ok, so two of you are 18, and you all look like you are 21, that doesn't mean that my friend and I are about to go out with you. I'm not about to go to jail for any man....or boy. Sorry. So find yourself a nice high school girl. Or call me when you're 25. thanks,

alexis

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

Dear People Who Are Whining About the California Primary:

I understand that it's very frustrating that propositions such as 21 and 22 passed. I'm frustrated, too. But if I have to hear one more person say something like "I really thought I liked the Bay Area, but then it went and passed 22," I will start hitting that person about the head with a demographic chart. If you think that all of California is like (and therefore, will vote like) SF and Santa Cruz, well, honestly, you're delusional. Cast your vote, vote against 22, get disappointed when it passes anyways, but keep talking to people. Keep communicating. Don't just get pissy and rant about "Gee golly, I thought California was this mecca of cultural insight, but then I found out that it has ignorant masses just like everywhere else!" and expect people to be surprised along with you. And please, for the love of god, do some reseach yourself and don't rant that SF passed 22. It didn't.

And, BTW, yes, I live in the Bay Area. And yes, I'm irritated that 22 passed. But as far as being amongst like-minded people, I'd rather live here than anywhere else in the country. You wouldn't have even found one county that would have passed 22 back in the midwest where I grew up. So, hang in there, kids, we're making progress. It's just slower than we wanted it to be. And besides, it's not raining today. ;)

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

oh yeah, and...

Dear Rage Against the Machine,

I'd write you an angry letter, but you're angry enough for everyone. Have a nice day.

thanks,

alexis

Dear idiots that are trying to make trouble for OU basketball and Eduardo Najera,

Shut the hell up already.

uhh...thanks,

alexis

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

Dear Insomnia,

I despise you and all that you stand for. You used to be scared of me and my friend Eight Hours of Sleep. What happened? Quit forcing me to call people at two in the morning so they can entertain me in my punchy state. You suck.

By the way, I hate you even more for giving my address to your friend Upset Stomach. Don't you think you've done enough without encouraging your evil buddies? He shows up every morning following one of your appearances to feed on your leftovers. I'm not kidding - it's sick, man. You're both bastards.

Sweet Dreams, Katherine

Dear 25 Pounds,

Go to hell. It's bad enough that you've stuck around for as long as you have, but flaunting it in my face by having all the willowy girls come into the store and walk around in front of me makes me hate you even more. And yes, you fiend, I noticed that their thighs don't even rub together when they walk. You're cruel.

Grrr, Katherine

Dear Roommate,

Why won't you even consider having a dog in the house? I really don't appreciate the fact that you're so anti-dog. I told you I'd probably be getting one before I even moved in, and you didn't freak out then. What gives?

It's not like I haven't made concessions here. You know your cat despises me, yet I still make the effort to play with her and buy her toys. I've also opened the window next to my bed so she could look at squirrels and allowed her to get blonde cat hair all over my navy blue comforter. Most importantly, though, I would hope that you've noticed that I have yet to dropkick your cat. I haven't done it. Not once.

So, instead of acting like dogs are the enemy, come down to the animal shelter with me and at least meet the little one I fell in love with before shooting me down.

Your cat needs an ego check, anyway. She thinks she's God. You know it's true.

Puppy love, Katherine

-- Anonymous, March 11, 2000

How could I forget?

Dear Kansas City,

Get a clue with your radio stations! Lawrence humored us with the Lazer for a while, but then it sold out and went the way of teenybopper, too. Trust me, the greater metropolitan area is NOT screaming for more Brittney Spears and Backstreet Boys. And you wonder why road rage is so bad. Wise up, morons.

Eat shit, Top 40. Katherine

-- Anonymous, March 11, 2000

Dear Summer,

Get Bent. I took 2 weeks off work to enjoy you. I earned time for you... worked my ass off for you. I realise you couldn't be there during my Chrissy break but I knew you'd be back in March. And for a while we were great, remember? Lying on the beach, cruising in those beautiful waves.... but then you took off, didn't you! Bitch. Those 4 days of sunshine was just too much for you wasn't it? Too much effort. Or maybe you thought it would be funny to piss off and then come back in full swing today - my first day back at work. That hurt.

Mogs

Dear Tan,

Please hang in there. It's only 4 more days till weekend - I promise we'll work something out then. Honest.

Mogs

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2000

Dear Work,

What on earth was I thinking when I fell for you? I'll tell you what: NEAT! A job in television! My foot in the door! Broadcasting, here I come again!

What did I get? A mundane, tedious, chimplike hobby shuffling videotapes, writing discrepancies down on one hundred and one different logs/notebooks, and a really, really fat chick as a trainer who tries to overcompensate at work for a personal life that has been stifled by years and years of social rejection. And oh yeah - for PEANUTS.

Although you seem to think you did me a favor by hiring me out of the 70 or so applicants you had to choose from, in reality you have:

1. robbed me of sleep by scheduling me midnight to eight a.m. 2. robbed me of any remaining social life with said schedule 3. robbed me of any patience and personal goodwill I may have had 4. insulted my intelligence and wasted my talents by putting me into a low-paying, respectless position largely looked down upon my officemates.

Won't you be pissed when I land a better job (did somebody say McDonalds?) and leave you in the same position you started? It'll suck to be you. See you in TV land, my friends.

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2000

Dear Life, I decided that I had to go out and get one, but you are obviously not the one I picked out of the catalogue. I would much rather have my old one back, you know the one where I was thirty pounds heavier, watched a lot more television, and didn't care what I looked like. It's too much trouble to keep this shit up. Being fabulous is not worth the trouble.

Don't want you anymore, -Matt

Dear Billy, Stop obsessing over Jim. It will not work out. He will tear your heart out and shit on it like he did last time. You personality becomes like that of one of the People's Temple when they were around Jim Jones, when he's near you, you fawning bastard. Fix this, -Matt

Dear Jim, I dislike you. I wish that you would find some loser piece of chicken that has low self esteem problems. Leave Billy alone. Love, -Matt

Dear Atlanta, I wish that Satan visits you Dark Plagues and/or that some resurrects Shermann to go back and finish the job that he started. Why? Because you are taking away my best friend on my birthday.

I've got the match

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2000

Dear Billy Corgan,

Grow some hair or wear a hat. A big hat. You look like a Cabbage Patch doll. And while you're at it, make some music that doesn't suck, you uppity little angst-monkey. Quit thinking you're the new millenium's answer to Morissey.

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2000

Dear Depression, cc:anxiety, fear, panic please leave all of my freinds alone. I know that you have been working very hard to make your presence known, and we all appriciate your efforts. As a reward, I would like to invite you to take a few weeks off. We will all be fine here with out you. I'm tired of worrying about everyone. thanks. -Allison

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2000

dear crack smoking good-fer-nuthin' run away daddies, good job on bringing new life into the wourld. your child might make a huge positive impact on the world. now go kill yourself before the mother of your child and i hunt you down and and kick your ass like your momma should have before you got so damn crazy.

dear clothes, why are you so beautiful and tempting, yet so useless?

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2000

No angry letter, just tickled with the phrase "uppity little angst- monkey". *howl!*

Plan to use that one, the sooner the better, and with full props to Loree. :)

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2000

Dear Ghetto Ass Roomates,
I realize that since you don't have real jobs, the thought of actually SLEEPING at night is foreign to you. I would greatly appreciate you NOT blasting "Genie In A Bottle" at 1 am. Oh and since I am on a mean streak here i would like to say this to roomie#1: just because they make it in your size does NOT mean that you need to be wearing it. spandex is NOT for everyone darling. roomie#2 you car leaks oil. clean it up you fucking bitch. and roomie #3: you really really need to stop singing in your room. you are tone deaf. it sucks and i don't need to hear it. oh and take that moldy freaking leftover out of the fridge. its stinks like ass.
Measure Your Life In Love :)
sabs

Dear flakey guy that didn't call,
I am SO glad you have that hot older brother that is taking me out this weekend. Thanks for being a loser :)
sabs

Dear Adorable Lounge Act guy,
oh my lord you are so cute! i am really glad i met you and i am glad i decided to go see your show the following night. sucks that you are a a busy musician though. the chemistry was really happening. for what it's worth, i think your lounge act is great and you are very talented. you kiss pretty good too.
sabs

-- Anonymous, March 15, 2000

Dear *NSYNC:

I hate you and your "Bye Bye Bye" with irritatingly-addictive video! I hate the cute one of you that gets his puppet strings cut, falls down the elevator and then SMILES at me before leaping out and busting his funky moves. I was willing to let you slide before because you'd never had any effect on me before but I'm sitting here and chanting "byebyebye...bye bye" and HAVE BEEN since 8:45 when I got to the office!!

I also hate that I've been forced to parrot other letters. Damn!

Oh, and one more thing: You *NSYNC boys can't act so PLEASE STOP!!!! As if having one of you on 7th Heaven wasn't enough, there was another one of you in a TV movie the other night and I swear I saw another one of you somewhere else! ENOUGH ALREADY!!! Stick to looking cute on MTV where I only have to see you occasionally by accident. And please please please release something else so they stop with "Bye Bye Bye".

Thanks.

-- Anonymous, March 15, 2000

I hate when you have a complete paragraph you could spew about, but when you're actually faced with something like this, it's completely, I dunno.. Turned off? Oh, and you know what I REALLY TRULY despise? Those old Navy commercials. I mean, GET OUTTA here, if you think watching some cheesy ass commercial and a bunch of little bitch girls who've probably never had to work for a thing in their life, and consider acting bimbo "careers," makes me wanna run to your store and buy your plain-ass clothes. I think not. Anyway. Rage against the machine.

-- Anonymous, March 31, 2000