How'd you do? Should you be boiled in oil, or are you a pretty nice guy?

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Answers

40% Hmm, thought i would be lower, guess i was too honest with my answers

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

47% bastard. 26% of which is Tard.

I thought I'd be more of each. I'm getting soft.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

23% bastard. I have to work on punching more people, or voting for more vindictive anti-immigrant, anti-youth, anti-gay, anti-poor California propositions.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

54% Bastard, 30% tard.

But it's blatenty unfair. Everyone owned guns and got into fights in the high school where I grew up. It's not like I ever brought the guns to school so that I would win the first fights.

Byrne

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

I'm only 30% bastard, which is way better than I did on the bitch test. I'm a complete bitch, but I'm only a little bit of a bastard. I did like some of the "facts" at the end:

• The most bastardly age group so far is 27 year olds. 27 year olds average 46% bastard.
  
  
• Guys who like the taste of coffee are more likely to cheat on their girlfriends.
  
  
• Men who have been with prostitutes have more smelly armpits.
  
  
• Catholics are more likely to spit on you.

Hmm. Jeremy is a 27 year old coffee drinker, and until he finally took a bath the other night, his armpits were pretty smelly. But at least he's not Catholic.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

29% bastard! 16% of which is Tard

I'm pretty happy to not hate homosexuals, lie to people or say "I hit her because I love her."

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

I'm only 33% bastard, a figure which many who know me would no doubt find surprisingly low. Of course, it seems that the test is screening for rather more serious bastardly behavior than I had anticipated. I mean, "Do you like child porn?" How icky is that question. Shouldn't a yes on that one or on the one about "hitting her because you love her" just promote you straight to 100% bastard without passing go or collecting $200?

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Just tried the bitch test. I'm 26% bitch too.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

I'm 30% bastard -- but you know, the test is clearly geared toward blue collar bastards. First of all, my profession makes it impossible for me to hit people, steal casually or get into fist fights. I would lose my livelihood. Similarly, you couldn't get through the college and law school I attended and hang onto prehistoric racist and anti-homosexual attitudes. I suspect that most of my fellow white-collar bastards would all score low on that test. I wish I thought that meant something, but I don't think it does. I'm not really all that proud of being a bastard.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

I'm a mere 13% bastard.

Clearly I need to get out more.

DinoNeil

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

36% Bastard. I bet I'm a much bigger bitch. Please hold.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Oh, just a 26% bastard, which is surprising, considering my career as a Mafia hit man.

Al of NOVA NOTES.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

36% bastard. maybe it's because i'm catholic (not practicing), but have been to a strip joint. i will say this, there were some nasty questions that i am glad i answered no to.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Don't know whether to brag or cringe - - 22 % bastard with a modicum of tard.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

41% bastard. Since the average is 42%, I think that result merely indicates I am normal and well adjusted.

I was worried while taking the test, too, because many of the questions seemed ridiculous. Do you like beer? What? I'm a bastard if I like beer? I can't like beer without being a bastard? What the hell is up with that?

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

I'm only 23% bastard. I don't think so. I imagined the whole of my life more bastard-like than that. Must be mellowing in my old age and making up for my old ways.

I'm a little confused on the meaning of "tard" and the percentages that go along with that result. Anyone have an idea?

Driving along The Road Trip.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

sorry... in the html, the target should =top. I always forget that.

Driving safer and better along The Road Trip.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

29%, and that's with the fighting, the weapons training, and the tattoo. Maybe my problems lie in being too much of a sissy. (Is tard just 4/7 of bastard or what?)

So if I lay off the beer and coffee, and hire that hooker, I can still remain below the median bastard rates? Is that what this test is saying? Will the fed raise interest if the bastard rates go too high? Maybe they can adjust hooker rates to compensate for inflation. What kind of bastard rate can I get for 30-year treasury bonds? That's what I want to know.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Tom is right about the test being geared for blue collar bastards. It doesn't go into laying off staff to impress the investors, taking credit for someone else's work, or hiring the very under-qualified white guy over the mildly under-qualified black guy.

(Unless there's some correlation between cheating on your wife, and abusing your staff, which doesn't seem too far-fetched. If your boss is an evil, firing, bastard, then it's just a matter of finding whatever infidelity he's obviously up to, and blackmailing him with compromising photos... but what kind of evil, cheating bastard would you have to be yourself to consider such evil-minded tactics? Is he a coffee drinker? Time to nail his ass. Maybe I should start drinking coffee... hey, have I been typing out my scattered thoughts? I better stop before everyone starts thinking that I'm some kind of bastard... time to say something to show them I'm normal...)

fire bad!

[>:(

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

I'm 25% bastard, 14% of which is Tard. That beats my Bitch score of 12%.

I don't get it. Because I say I like coffee and drinking and checked yes to going to a strip joint? (I didn't actually go, but I have seen strippers at friends' parties, and they played most of the strip games, so I figure that's close enough.) Or maybe because I get frustrated when someone I'm attracted to doesn't want to have sex with me. (I mean, who isn't? Doesn't mean I act like a bastard about it.)

Gee, it's a good thing I don't own a non-mammal pet, haven't put out a cigarette on my tongue and I'm not into guns and beating people. That might just put me over the edge.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

39% bastard, 22% of which is tard (?????), so I'm only three points behind the average. I must internalise my bastardry or otherwise not show it in public cos normally I think I'm a reasonably pleasant human being. I can only assume that Sepultura T-shirt in my wardrobe tipped the scales somewhat, and that not being in fist fights lowered the score a bit in turn. Perhaps if I'd said I like child porn that might've made me an above-average bastard

Tonight We Sleep In Separate Ditches"I want you to hit me as hard as you can"

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Ok. Sorry. I refuse to belive that I'm the biggest bastard out here.

The only way that I can comprehend me getting the largest bastard percentage out there (because these days I don't lie, steal or cheat on my girlfriend) is that not one of you can remeber your childhood or has a brother.

The test didn't ask if you stole yesterday or last week. None of you ever grabbed a candy bar at the 7-11 in 6th grade. It didn't ask if you got into drunken brawls, it asked if you ever punched someone in the face.

So go on back, be honest, rememeber the time your big brother cracked two eggs on your head and rubbed the yolk in your hair and ask yourself. Where did you fist go then?

Come on, go do it. Let it out, and scream from the rooftops, "Yes I am a bastard! (With a healthy helping of tard.)"

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Once my father caught me playing with matches, and he whupped me. There are some of us who only need a few whuppin's to know that we don't want to get caught stealing, and tend to narrow what we are willing to receive whuppin's for.

The rest of us, I assume, are more tolerant of the whuppin's, and are willing to risk them to see what we can get away with. Of course, if you're only measuring what's acceptible by what you can get away with, you may find in the end that your life lacked a certain focus that makes it all worthwhile. Or so is my understanding.

Carol, your bastard score was very low. You got a mild score, apparently, because you acknowledge you have a healthy sexual appetite. I don't think the test meant to imply that a 0 score was more tolerable than your 25. With a 0 score, I think you're talking in the range of Rainman.

My bitch score was 36%. Considering I said no to all of the womanly bitchiness (fake nails, any interest in men, stomping people with spiked heels, whatever questions there were about encouraging eating disorders in other women, etc.), I can only assume that bastard behavior in men is more tolerated than bitchy behavior in women. If I had a daughter, I wouldn't consider not encouraging her to take martial arts or self-defense classes, bitchy or not. I would consider it unrealistic that she could avoid fighting someone off for her entire life, more so than a boy.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

I am a mere 23% bastard, of which 13% is tard. Tard? What's that? Some sort of truth index?

This seems to put me on the low end of the curve. I think I need to go buy a gun & marry a relative or something.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

20% Bastard. Which, all things considered, is pretty ironic.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

32%, 17% of which is tard. K. got 60% bitch. She actually seemed to be upset by this. "I'm sorry that you have to live with a 60% bitch, you nice 32% bastard man." Ahhh, love.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

29%, 16% Tard. Don't know about these ratings - if they have a white collar version I'd probably score a lot higher. But extra points for liking beer(do I loose them if I specify *only Microbrews*?) and coffee (again, do I loose them if I specify *only whole-bean from Peet's*).

If I avoid booze, coffee, and fistfights can I be a whore-hoppin', strip-joint goin', lie-and-cheat-and-fire-the-masses kind of guy without being a complete bastard?

(Come to think of it, does this mean that since they avoid coffee, alcohol, strip joints, and such there are no observant Mormon bastards?)

And what the devil does the "Tard" rating represent?

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

I came in at 44% bastard. Which makes me less of bastard than Stee, and more of a bastard than Dave Van.

What's wrong with this picture?

s

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

Comparing the reported test results to what I have read in journals, diarys,(whatever the hell you wanna call 'em) and forums either the the test is kaflooey or people are making mistakes in answers - - - some that report testing out 50 % or higher bastard do not - definitely do not - show in their writings that they are any where near being such basatards. I don't think people can day after day publish and not reveal their underlying personality.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

Maybe on a Platonic/Ideal scale, bastardness may be painted too harshly onto some people, but in a more human/individualistic scale, I'm thinking some bastardness is a good thing. Like Machiavelli said about unarmed prophets getting their asses kicked, or Confucius said about the goody-goodies being the thieves of virtue. Just because a journeler doesn't write from the bastard part of the brain, that doesn't mean that that bastard part of the brain doesn't contribute to the over-all health of the individual, like that Star Trek episode where Captain Kirk is separated from his Evil Captain Kirk Side™, and becomes too much of a sissy to command the Enterprise. Or so I am inclined to believe.

Does the test even give a clear definition of what it's testing for? Is it testing for evil, or what? None of the pages I viewed had an explanation.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

Or maybe the test was meant to be harsh on the people pretending not to be bastards, like the questions about dreaming about killing people. Maybe those quiet neighbors who suddenly commit a mass murder had dreams about killing people when they weren't receiving community awards for organizing those highway clean-ups.

But it's not like any doctor put their name on the test or anything. I'm doing that posting over and over thing again that Beth hates to see me do. I done.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

Mike,

I don't mind that my bastard score is mild. I just wonder why it's higher than my bitch score. Maybe because I don't wear fake nails (don't need 'em), I don't think my mom's a bitch (she's not, by any stretch of the imagination) I've never gotten pregnant to trap a man (puhleeze!) and I've never kicked a guy in the nuts (not to say there weren't a few who didn't deserve it). I guess all of that lowers my bitch quotient.

Plus I do have a healthy sex drive (thereby upping bastard quotient, I suppose). Which is murder if since I have no regular outlet and I'm not into meaningless sex. (Well, very rarely, that it.)

Have I shared too much about myself again?

PS: I just retook the bitch test, and somehow I upped my results to a whopping 36%! I don't what I answered differently (I'm sure I didn't change anything), but now I'm on my way to certified bitchification! Tatoos, here I come!

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

19%, ten percent of which is 'tard'. Could someone please explain to me what 'tard' means? I'm afraid I'm having a little trouble with the language barrier here.

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

Only 22% bastard (12% of which is tard - which I presume is short for retard? Ah, elementary school dialect.) Yet, I'm 47% bitch. Go figure.

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

Well, I was 30% bastard and I'm 27% b*tch, so there's some consistency. Maybe I really am a nice guy. Now, tell me -- I thought b*tch was becoming one of those words you just don't use. I have heard some teddibly self-righteous people take issue with the gerund "b*tching," as in "Quit your b*tching." Is that different somehow? Anyway, I feel I lost some points on the b*tch test because I haven't slept with enough people. That's gender disrimination in the test. It is much harder for a man to sleep with a bunch of people than for a woman. I feel that, to be fair, the test should give credit for the number of people you have TRIED to sleep with.

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

41% bitch, 27% bastard. But hey, they didn't even ASK the guys whether they had a) turned someone down for a date or b) broken up with ("dumped") someone. Which is no doubt where I accumulate my bitch points, along with "forgetting birthdays" (ouch!), not always being punctual (the horror!) and owning "dark lipstick" (oh, stop!) and having slept with more than 1 person (bad, bad me). Or maybe it's because there aren't that many people who would come to my funeral? Apparently you have to work a lot harder to be a bastard. You can be a bitch just by living a normal life.

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

On whether or not bitch is an acceptable term:

I think this is a very context sensitive term. It can be easy to offend somebody. My girlfriends and I sometimes use it in admiration - as in, "Oh, I just love your inner bitch." when they've done something wicked. A (male) friend tells his (male) secretary to "get me some coffee, bitch" which the secretary apparently finds utterly hilarious. I was called a bitch recently by a random guy in a bar who I wouldn't dance with, and the intent was clearly to insult me - I thought it was funny, actually, but had I cared for his good opinion, my feelings might have been hurt (as it was, it just confirmed my decision not to dance with him). When used as a hurtful term by a guy, it seems to mean, "girl who won't date me"; when used as a hurtful term by a girl, it seems to mean, "girl who gets a lot more dates than I do" and when used ironically it seems to me, "girl who's bad in a way I wish to emulate".

You just have to be sure you're broadcasting the correct shade of meaning for your intent.

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

Uh-uhh. There's too much complexity in those rules about the appropriate use of "b____" for me even to consider it. As a WASP with the physique of a young Ed Asner, every term of abuse doubles in intensity on my lips. I look like central casting's idea of the professional guy who slinks down to a basement where a bunch of drunk genetic disasters are cleaning guns under the Stars and Bars. You just wouldn't be inclined to give me the benefit of the doubt if I even got close to the line.

Given my unfortunate handicap in appearance, I content myself with neutral terms of abuse, such as "nutbar," "uncomfortable person," and the occasional "assh*le."

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

So if tard is short for retard, I must be 22% retarded. Or something. Good to know the other 78% was capable of getting me that university degree, eh

Tonight We Sleep In Separate Ditcheswhere statistics are irrelevant

-- Anonymous, March 11, 2000

39% bastard

22% tard

The catholic thing raised me, I'm sure.

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2000