I don't know what to do. My boyfriend and I have been dating for quite some time. He is always very possessive of me, but He says it is just because he "wants to protect me from all those other guys", or because "he cares about me." Then, the other night he caught me talking to a couple of his friends, and he went crazy. He stormed outside, and when i went outside to see if he was ok, he blew up on me. He said he gets sick of all of his male friends hitting on me, and eveywhere we go guys staring at me. He said that it is my fault. He got really upset and punched the wall right beside a few times. He started bleeding and finally stopped. He never actually hit me, but he scares me a lot. Then I told him that maybe we shouldn't see each other because he is to possessive of me. He said, "It's only because I love you, and I want every other guy to know that you are mine. I guess if you want to leave me fine, but don't expect to see me again...cause if you leave, there's nothing to live for, and I will committ suicide, and it will be your fault." I don't want to hurt this person, but i don't love him anymore. He scares me too much and I want a man who shows me how much he loves me. Maybe he just loves me an awful lot, and that is why he is so possessive. If I do leave him. I don't want to be responsible for his death, that would be terrible to know that he died because of me. And also, my parents would be furious if i dumped him because of his wealth. They don't care about love, they say I must find a man with a good financail portfolio that they approve, then we will learn to love each other. But The man I truly love is my best friend, who is middle class, and they have forbidden any contact with him. It is killing me to be with this possessive man, even if he is what they approve. I love my friend. Should I leave this man and have my family disown me? Is this man dangerous? Should I follow my instincts? Or am I blowing this totally out of porportion, and there is no potential for anything bad to happen in this relationship? How can I tell him I don't love him, without him doing something drastic? Pleas help. Any advice is sincerely appreciated.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

Answers

I've had relationships where when I talked of leaving, my girlfriend said that she would kill herself. It is very difficult emotionally... but in a way, this is a clear indicator that you DON'T want to be with them. I would trust your instincts, get out, make sure you protect yourself, and call one of his friends and tell them your boyfriend is suicidal. Have the friends take care of him as much as possible. You might call a suicide hotline and ask for their advise.

Ultimately, even if he does kill himself, it is not your responsibility. I know that's not what you want to have happen, but it's not worth throwing away your life to a relationship like that (it's suicide for you!)

And most people who talk of suicide don't do it, as far as I know (correct me if I'm wrong).

I'm just providing my own individual advice. Take it or leave it according to your reading of the situation.

-- Anonymous, March 01, 2000

I came here to post a question, but here I am posting an answer...

You think your boyfriend is threatening to harm himself, but really he is threatening to hurt you. If he simply threatened you with physical harm, you would see clearly how controlling and abusive he is; but by threatening suicide, he makes it seem as if he is the wronged party. You question yourself; and as long as you do, he can control you. The fact that you are a caring person with a conscience thus works against you, while he manipulates your feelings and your behavior.

It seems very telling that he mistrusts even his own "friends," not merely strangers who hit on you in bars. How do they react? And look at his temper. This time he hit a wall, but next time it could be you.

A very good friend experienced something similar (before I met her) and eventually decided to break up with the guy, although they were already planning a wedding. Not long after, he started dating another woman; when she tried to break up with him, he followed her into a subway station and took a shot at her (missed). He then fled to another state, married under an assumed name, but was picked up for a traffic violation and traced through his fingerprints. He ended up in jail.

You ask if you are "blowing this totally out of porportion, and there is no potential for anything bad to happen in this relationship?" The way I see it, there is almost no potential for anything good to happen, and a great deal of potential for somethign bad--even including a death, and it might not be his.

Please break up with this guy. Tell you parents what you have posted here, about his jealousy, his temper, and his violence. If they won't listen, maybe you should be telling the police.

-- Anonymous, March 07, 2000

Lynn:

I too came here posting for info and help but find myslef posting a response. Get out while you still have some clearness to see what is really happening. The lines will get less clear the more you are subjected to, lowered, and let go by.

I as a teen once asked my mother how my father and her met, and how he proposed to her. She said they worked together. I knew that. She also said he kept asking her out and she wasn't interested and declined. Then word went around that he was offered and accepted a position to become a banker in his home town 5 hours away, which was alot back then with means of travel less and all. My mother said she felt sorry for him and finally agreed to one date, since he was going away and she wouldn't be asked to date him again. They went on the date.

Next my father didn't leave town. He turned up the position to stay because of my mother. When I asked how it came to be that he proposed and she to marry him, the following was the description. They worked in a shipyard beside the harbor. My father said he stayed because of her and asked her to marry him, he also said that if she said no and wouldn't marry him, he would go up and jump off the bridge over the harbor beside their work. My mother thought he must be in love with me alot to feel that way about it, and also felt sorry and didn't want to be responsible for his suicide.

They married, she got pregnant and left work. Those turned into being several of the biggest mistakes of her life. He was alcoholic, physically abusive to her at least during drinking binges or withdrawals, physically and sexually abusive to his kids for many years. Cruel to animals. He did work and financially support her and the family throughout the marraige with what was left over from drinking.

Don't make a big mistake by buying into this guys lines and ploys. He wants and needs you to feel scared, he wants you to feel guilty and sorry for him. He is violent, he is violent towards you, just hasn't landed a punch to you personally yet. If he is this way now and feels he owns you, in the "honeymoon" stage of dating and engagement, think of what it will be like when the honey moon stage is over and by decree of a marraige license and certificate he feels he has your certificate of ownership in writing.

Tell your parents although it is just as easy to fall in love with a rich nice person who treats you well, as it is to fall in love with a rick nice person who is abusive, controlling and feels he owns you.

Break it to them later that in actuality you are in love with a not rich, but loving respecting man. Or just let them know after you marry him. If they disown you, well personally I'd rather be alive and safe then accepted and dead or beaten. Your parents seem to feel you are property and chattel to be sold off, to the highest bidder and perhaps that is the problem you have of having accepted this relationship this long.

Leave for your sake, safety and well being, and if you want someone to feel sorry for, look in a mirror while thinking and feeling sorry for any children you may have if you stay in this relationship. Lady Patrick

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2000

Dear Lynn, I am a mother of a 16 year old daughter that I have just read your letter to. She has a boyfriend that I have been trying to convince her of that he is bad for her. I will tell you the same thing that I have told her. He is not good for you, and if you think things are going to get better you are wrong. The longer you are with him the more control he will get over you. Eventually he will have you thinking the way he thinks. He will have you thinking that looking nice, wearing make-up, dressing pretty are all ways that you entice men or young men everywhere. He will have you thinking that everything you do or that happens is your fault. He wants you to pity him and feel sorry for him. Ask yourself: What do we do together? Do we go out and have good times with friends? Or if we go out is some guy always after me. I was married to a young man that was just this way. He threatened to kill himself, he told me that he would take me far away where no one would find me and I could go on and on. I did leave him at a very young age. And it was the best thing I ever did. What I am trying to tell you is this. You aren't responsible for him or what actions he takes. I am just sorry that you don't have supportive parents. But I am not sure of your age but I think you need to tell them of all he has done to you. If you don't get out of this relationship I feel you are putting yourself in great danger. This is not something to not take very seriously. This is your life that you are talking about. There is a big difference in love and possessiveness. Please from a mother and parent do the right thing. You probably have many years to find someone that will truly love you. If you ever need to just talk you have my email I would respond as quickly as possible. Take Care. Angie

-- Anonymous, October 04, 2001

I would leave the man your parents approve of. I'm sure that if they knew him like you do, they'd agree. Wealth doesn't equal happiness. Try to explain to your parents this. Also, don't worry about suicide, because my sister has dumped a man who tried to overdose on his grandma's sleeping pills, strangle himself with a hose, and even mutilate himself with a butcher knife. This was not because of her dumping him, although he did threaten to kill himself some time after these mentioned self-attacks when he found out she was leaving him. He never followed through with his threat.

-- Anonymous, June 09, 2002