Have you had a painful breakup or an awkward encounter?

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2000

Answers

No, but the time has come for me to dump Menstrual Cramps. Things haven't been working out between us ever since MC first appeared on the scene six years ago (six years!). This is a long distance relationship, for one thing (never works)--I only see MC a few days per month. Secondly, those few days are filled with misery, crying, nausea--and I don't even get any action!! You tell me. Is it time for this to end?

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2000

I briefly dated somebody I worked with and, although we're really good friends now, there's always been an awkward tension at work that never really went away. I have wished many, MANY times that as much as I like this person now as a friend that I didn't work with them. Trust me: unless you end up married and happy, it just isn't worth it to date someone you work with.

Typically, though, I have pretty good break-ups. I usually end up being pretty good friends with people I used to date.

By the way, can I just say how hilarious it is to read today's entry while being aware of the awkward encounters Tony Soprano and Dr. Melfi have been having on the show the last few episodes? I'm waiting for the Squishy entry where Pamie gets drunk, encounters Cigarettes at a table with his buddies Cigars, Crack Pipe and Skoal, and says "Toodle- oo!" If you don't watch "Sopranos," get thee to HBO forthwith: it makes Squishy even funnier.

o.

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2000

I keep taking Cigarettes back. He always promises such nice things, and all I get is brown lung goo. Is that sexy like eye goo?

I always take men back too. I have low self-esteem.

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2000

Damn, Omar, I forgot that I was going to put "Toodeloo" on there at the end.

I'm gonna go do it now, anyway.

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2000

I've had the same kind of break up. I've been without him for 3 months now. I wake up in the middle of the night, wondering if it was just a dream or if I really really did enjoy that lust again :>)

Thank goodness it was just a dream. It really does get MUCH easier - with each passing day. I've gained 7 1/2 lbs, which I HATE - I weigh more now then I did when I was 9 months pregnant (which was 125) I HATE feeling fat, but I like saving money! I started excerising. Which SUCKS because I've never had to do that before either. But being 40, quitting after smoking for 28 years is a hard thing to do! I eat more - not because the food tastes better (some of it really does) other things that I use to eat suck now, because I can really taste them. LOL - I will get back to my size 7 if it's the last thing I do... And hopefully I will forever stay away from "them" forever!

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2000

I've been having an on-again/off-again relationship with 25 Extra Pounds. They won't leave me alone. Every time I feel like I'm making progress, they pop up unexpectedly. Damn officemates bringing in Krispy Kremes. Super Bowl parties with buffalo wings. I'm completely codependent on 25 Extra Pounds. I guess admitting it is the first step.

Now where'd I leave that office party birthday cake??

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2000

A couple of months ago I broke up with Exercise. I didn't want to, but we just grew apart - ya know? I mean, it was so cold out, and I just couldn't get it together to see him when he was available, and then I had to work alot and well...one thing led to another and before I knew it he just wasn't around anymore.

So I've been seeing someone new - Ass Fat. Man he is a persistent mother fucker. I knew who he was, I'd seen him around - but we'd never actually met. One day, while I was getting ready for work, I turned around and he was just...there. But we were never meant to be together. I guess I needed to spend some time with him, get to know him a little better, before I realized that he just couldn't be a part of my life.

So now I've decided to get back together with Exercise and leave Ass Fat for someone who will really appreciate him - Calista Flockhart. Don't you think they'd look cute together?

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2000

and I forgot to mention - throughout my relationship with Exercise I was cheating with Cigarettes (I don't have to tell you that Cigarettes is very hard to resist). I'm not ready to give Cigarettes up yet, but if things get serious enough with Exercise...well...

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2000

i can't break up with cigarettes and procrastination. i mean, they're an incredible tag team and in my friends mike and tom's room, they're there, all the time. they just won't let me go! i can't stand it!

when i break up with men, though, i do it pretty well.

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2000

Pamie, you are funny, funny, funny. So funny.

I keep trying to end it with Cigarettes, but everytime something bad happens or I start to worry, he's there, you know?

And the funny thing is I am starting to hate the taste. I am starting to hate the smell. The minute I come in to work I have to wash my hands and use some Antibac. But as soon as I get in to my car I have to have one. Why is that? Songs make me want to smoke. And forget it if I see someone on TV smoking. I'm done. Oh and if I drink? Well you be the train who is going to stop me from getting to the cigarette machine.

I'm just a sucker with no self esteem. A big loser.

help me

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2000

Ohh, lots of times. Food. Specifically, Junk food. Chocolate. Chocolate junk food. Beer. Beer and junk food. They're always there. Well, not the beer, but every store I go into has junk food and chocolate in it; anybody else notice how that's changed? Book stores sell candy now. Game stores. Hardware stores. Tire stores. Everywhere you go, there's the chips, the candy bars, just plain candy. Can't get away from it. I try to stay off the hard stuff, because that's pure sugar; really bad for me since that Diabetes moved into my life, but still... there's always something to eat or drink.

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2000

Hasn't everybody? But not recently. We'll be celebrating our twentieth anniversary in May...and I'm still nuts about her.

Al of NOVA NOTES

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2000

Once, okay, twice, I tried to break up with Pizza. I thought that it was just Pizza that was causing all my troubles. Pizza hangs out with Beer and his other Carbo buddies, and I thought (silly me) that Pizza was the ringleader. Sigh. We've reconciled, of course, had some great post-breakup action.

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2000

I tried to be celibate....I said goodbye to Hershey's Hugs & Kisses. But every store I walked into today had them out on display and *in my face*! I caved and came home for lunch today...(wink wink).

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2000

How very timely. After Doug finally admitted the reason he doesn't date because he hasn't found anyone he's interested in, I told him it might be best to find someone else to accompany him to the movies.

I beat him to the punch, and I'm glad I did.

Unfortunately it's not as easy with those Tostitos Hint of Lime chips -- I just can't shake the addiction.

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2000

Tostitos Hint-of-Lime Chips? More like Tostitos "Corn Chips That Have Benn Exposed to a Deadly Amount of Citric Acid In Powdered Form". Those things will burn a hole in your cheeks in nothing flat. That's not to say they're not good. But just thinking about those (and Sour Patch Kids, which did, in fact, give me an ulcer on my tongue) makes my mouth curl.

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2000

Coke. I can't go anywhere. Always there. Always Coca-Cola. The grocery store is my local pusher at two 12-packs for $5. How could I pass that up.?! I try to be good. I take my humongous insulated cup to work and SWEAR it's ice water all day. YUCK! NO FLAVOR! No fizz! I start missing coke...and have to walk right by the machine to get to the water fountain...seems like that 55 cents in my pocket just JUMPS into the little slot and the button with the fingertip magnet just draws me closer. I love my Cokey. Even though his buddies "burps a lot" and "pees a lot" are always around, I just can't give up my "habit". I've noticed a new buddy that too....belly jiggle. Belly jiggle is a MAJOR UGLY. But Coke's my friend! ENJOY!

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2000

Snack Foods have been making increasing demands on my time lately and I really need to find a way of cutting them without letting them down too hard. Should get back in touch with Exercise but we haven't spoken for about five years, not since that day I nearly fainted at the university gym. And I'm pretty ticked off about being too late to get into this uni course that I was interested in, so I Told You This Would Happen is heading for a punch-up if they don't stop laughing at me.

Tonight We Sleep In Separate Ditcheswhere I normally talk more sensibly than this.

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2000

frigg!! 55 cents for a coke..you States ppl have it lucky..in the basement of our rez I'm paying 1.25..just like i do every other machine anywheres. :( that sucks

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2000

Depression. He's such a bastard. I finally just couldn't take the abuse and dumped his ass for a threesome with Therapy and Prozac, you know, that whole rebound thing. And it was great fun with those two for a while, but then I felt like I didn't need them anymore...so we parted as friends, me and those guys. And of course I'm getting on with my life like a normal girl, you know, I've put the past behind me, but the minute I start seeing this really great guy called Freshman Year, that psychotic fucker Depression starts stalking me. The nerve of that asshole. He knows I can't see Therapy or Prozac anymore -- dating those two is an expense I can't afford now, since it'd really interfere with my time with Freshman Year -- so he picks now to start messing with my mind. The jerk.

-- Anonymous, February 02, 2000

It's 3 a.m., and confession time: I came home drunk, which is unusual for me because I hardly drink. I drank lots and lots of beer, a gin and tonic, and a horrible shot that the bartender prescribed.

So I get home, very safe, and rational, responsible person that I am, I think "I can't go to work hungover. Seriously." So, I whip out the big bar box of HEB Easy Cheese and a big bag of Tostitos in the hopes that some roughage will absorb the alcohol and leave me fine and dandy for the tasks ahead tomorrow. It you microwave the cheese just right, it almost achieves the consistency of highway tar. And if you mix in some leftover Whataburger picante sauce in the little square containers, you've almost got a one-man party.

I eat one chip after the other, addicted to queso 'n salsa. Pray for me. I will need it tomorrow.

Which is all to say that try as I might to rid myself of Chips 'n Queso, she is a cruel mistress who will never let me go...

O.

-- Anonymous, February 02, 2000

You'd think my wife would leave me, but I think that we're seeing some of the same people. That might be kind of a thrill, you know: me, my wife, and Coke. I think she knows that I see Cigarettes sometimes, when I hang out Martini too much and she's not there. If she knows, she hasn't busted my ass for it yet because it's obviously not a relationship. I've never seen Cigarettes alone; it's always some kind of threesome with Cigarettes and Martini.

Thankfully my buddy Altoids covers for me now and again, but he can be so demanding sometimes. And a titch on the pricey side too, but not as much as Cigarettes (from what I hear, you know).

I might have to stop seeing Martini and Cigarettes, though. I'll probably even have to stop seeing my old, dear friends Rum-and-Coke and Beer, because of a new friend I'm trying to make. Ideal Weight is hard to get in touch with, but I can tell that she doesn't want anything to do with Martini, Cigarettes, Rum-and-Coke or Beer. It'll be hard to do, but Ideal Weight is just enticing enough that I'll give 'em all up, or at least see them a lot less frequently. More importantly, my wife really likes the idea of me with Ideal Weight. Kind of kinky, since I know she's already all about Ideal Weight, you know? More to report later, I'm sure.

-- Anonymous, February 02, 2000

Sigh. I can't seem to break up with that no-good bastard Laziness. I try to get things done. I try to sweep or cook or straighten up the house and next thing you know, Laziness comes along and drags me off to watch tv or to read.

I can't get rid of him. Sometimes i'll start doing something and Laziness says "aw come on, just lie down here with me on the couch for a few minutes and we'll watch the beginning of this movie..."

I wish he would go away.

And hey, for the record, Cigarettes sounds like one unfaithful cheating asshole, because a lot of y'all are seeing him. Did you know about this? Is this going to turn into Jerry Springer now?

Uh oh. Here comes Laziness again.

-- Anonymous, February 02, 2000

after recent painful nasty breakup (RPNB) i have entered affair with Sleep, who complements Cigs perfectly. Because partner in/instigator of RNPB lives just 'round the corner (a move which he insisted upon making MUCH against my better judgement just before RNPB occurred) I try to stay at home with Cigs and Sleep as much as possible to avoid any awkward encounters (AEs) in the outside world. Sleep is sexy and easy -- he always wants to stay in bed and never minds if the cat or dogs climb up to say hi, too. He's hard to leave in the morning -- so sweet -- and I ususally end up staying with him a little longer than I had planned.

If Loneliness or Depression come around, Sleep doesn't get jealous when Cigs jumps into bed as well. Subject of RNPB hated Cigs, so I had to sneak around a little but am now enjoying an overt and obsessive reunion. I've actually *saved* money due to RNPB -- buying by the carton adds up.

Some of the money went to buy three goldfish named Vera, Chuck and May. They are much more communicative and affectionate and sweet than subject of RNPB. Cigs and I like to watch them all day, until it's safe to walk the dogs (late enough to avoid AE's on street with aforementioned subject. Then I nestle into bed with Sleep and maybe a book and dog and a glass of wine. Last night it rained and sounded pretty. No snoring or bitching from animals. A nice evening.

More of those please, from whomever doles them out.

-- Anonymous, February 02, 2000

Yes, Coffee. I am having a terrible, on again- off again relationship with coffee. He is basically stalking me and it isn't fun. I see him in the morning lurking in the cafe watching me. I shake my head and tell him that it's over, but he won't listen. At 3:00 in the afternoon it starts to get unbearable, I can SMELL him near me. Oh, don't get me wrong-I love him, I want him, I need him, but I am thinking I might have to get a restraining order against him. I think it's really over this time, really....

-- Anonymous, February 04, 2000

If the cigarettes and I don't break up now, then, well...I'm having a hard time thinking of an analogy. However, it's been a month and two days and I feel great. You just have to mourn the loss of the cigarettes, instead of trying to fill the hole with something. There's my analogy. Food is to cigarettes as rebound is to ex- girlfriend. Or beer, or cleaning (oops, there's my rebound). Now, I can participate in lots of Pharmaco studies. That's what I keep telling myself.

-- Anonymous, February 04, 2000

I often contemplate what I heard some one else mention earlier in the answer column - "eye goo". I have this problem with it; I am constantly rubbing the corners of my eyes to make sure the crust and goo is gone because -unsure why really- when I'm looking into some one's eyes and see their sleepie goo it makes me gag! What the fuck is this about...eye goo. It's just kinda gross. Does any one else get a little "ew" thought when they talk to some one and they've got crust bulging from the corner of their eyes? And if it really bothers me do I continue to speak with them as is, or do I give up and say something like.."Uhm, you have something in your eye- ball." ?..But really..I want to say "Ew- you didn't get the eye goops from your eyes this morning". I'm weird. Excretions are just annoying, I swear. Damn sharp boogers, ear wax, eye goo, belly button dirt and damn long hair that gets in my underwear.

-- Anonymous, February 04, 2000

I keep meeting Self-Loathing when I'm alone and it's late at night and it is always at the worst possible times! Self-Loathing seems to have a sixth sense, he pops up right when I doubt myself the most. If my friends are selfish, Self-Loathing whispers to me that I'm not cutting them enough slack and that I'm too hard on them and perhaps I'm just a wee bit pre-menstral and that it will all be okay if I don't speak up right then and there and assert myself. Then he holds my hand and forces me to talk to his cousin, Doubt, and between the two of them, I get a little confused. Self-Loathing sneaks into my house the day I manage to crawl out of bed after several rounds of S&M with Influenza (his nickname is Flu, isn't that cute?) and he tells me that I'm hideous looking and will always be hideous looking and if I had taken my vitamins , worn my rain boots, bundled up better and eaten my vegetables--and MAYBE if had a fling with Exercise like I had considered--THEN I wouldn't be hanging out with Flu.

Self-Loathing's voice sounds a lot like my mom's, now that I think about it. Nifty trick, that.

Self-Loathing also likes to tell me that I'm 'smart enough to know better than to do [x]'. Self-Loathing is fond of bringing up his twisted theories of karmic retribution...like in Douglas Coupland's _Generation X_. Self-Loathing believes in "Disease For Kisses" (Hyperkarma) which is a deeply rooted belief that your punishment will somehow always be far greater than your crime; i.e., ozone holes for littering. Self-Loathing conveniently forgets that cameras add ten pounds and recites a list which consists of every sugary item I have eaten in the past two weeks. Self-Loathing says 'you always get what you deserve' and thus, if your life is shitful, it's all your own fault. Self-Loathing says that I have no right to complain about anything because I haven't tried hard enough to do anything about it, not unless it consumes every spare moment of my day (and even then, I get a lecture about how I'm obsessed and am neglecting my responsibilities).

Self-Loathing claims to be my friend and is fond of asking me whether or not I'd like it better if he just lied to me and pretended that I was perfect. Of course, I say I want him to always tell me the truth. I forget to say "the Real Truth, not your version of it". I ALWAYS forget that part. Dang.

Self-Loathing uses Doubt to get me to listen to him when I start to get wise. Doubt has a sneaky way of making perfect sense even when spouting utter rubbish. Doubt is glib and facile and slick and I have to be very careful not to start nodding and agreeing with everything Doubt says, because before I know it, I'm being told I should invite Self-Loathing back home, and, like a dope, I do.

Lately I've been seeing a new guy called Self-Esteem. He's a lot nicer, but he has a hard time standing up to Stress. Stress meets me at the office five days a week and sometimes comes home with me. Stress is good friends with Doubt and likes to have Doubt and Self- Loathing come over for poker night with Depression. Sometimes I can talk them into playing somewhere else, and then me and Self-Esteem take a nice bubble bath, have a pleasant dinner, talk with some friends, read a good book, have a good night's sleep.

I think I'll keep Self-Esteem around for a while...but I'm going to have to reduce my contact with Stress and Doubt if I want him to stay.

-- Anonymous, February 09, 2000