Any letters you've been meaning to send out?

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Answers

Dear GAP,

I know it's all cool to wear all black and be anorexic and stuff, but I miss you. Please make something in my size again. I won't make fun of you anymore, I promise.

Love, Jan

Dear Old Navy,

I still hate you. Quit calling me.

Go to hell, Jan

Dear Mom,

It's really great that you lost 30 pounds. I'm really happy for you, I am. But now can we stop talking about it? And you can quit subscribing me to low-fat cooking magazines, too. I'll be OK. Also you can stop emailing me links to fitness sites. Really.

Love, Your daughter

Dear Northwestern History Department,

Don't think I didn't have a great time when I was there, or anything, but I'd like to be removed from the listserve now. I know you must love me because I've asked you this three times now and you just couldn't bring yourselves to do it, but I live in Seattle now and the probability of me making it to the Thursday Wine and Cheese Lecture is really slim.

Thanks, Jan

Dear Sun,

I miss you. When will I get to see you again? Please write back soon.

Waiting anxiously, Jan in Seattle

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear DOVE Spectrometer:

You know and I know that we have not always been on the best of terms. You have a very strong personality for a piece of lab hardware, and I perhaps haven't always been receptive to your needs. I apologize, and if you promise to continue working for the next couple of weeks without manifesting any nonrepeatable, physically improbable, totally unexplainable gremlins, I'll promise to speak more nicely to you and avoid calling you a "fucking $200,000 piece of badly designed shit" to my friends. Thank you.

Sincerely, Ghafla

Dear Other Folks Working in Our Lab: If the spectrometer stops working again at some point this week, it might be best to stay well clear of the both of us for a while. Just a little lab safety tip from me to you.

Sincerely, Ghafla

Dear Pamie:

As much as I love your site, you're making me scare myself a bit. Since I've been posting in your forum, I've written about four letters to inanimate objects, and that just can't be a sign of good mental health. Could you ask your friend Therapy if there's room in the schedule for me after you're done?

Thanks, Ghafla

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear Phentermine,

I know, I know, I should be working right now, but so far you've given me four projects to do, four websites to work on, and you keep making me get up to go to the bathroom. I'm doing forty three things at once. People are starting to think I'm productive. I think you should tone it down a bit. I'm not going to be taking you forever, you know, and after I'm done, I don't want to have to live up to people's unrealistic expectations of me.

Oh yeah, and quit with the moodswings already. Every morning it's like I'm living my life to the tune of Handel's Messiah, but by the evening I'm depressed and sleepy, listening to Radiohead's "Creep" and identifying way too closely. Remember, you're here for one reason and one reason only: to make me stop eating so much candy. I can stop taking you at any time, you know. Oh yes. I have a standing invitation from Hostess Fruit Pies to spend a couple of days over at her place, and I won't take you with me.

So watch yourself.

Love, Brianna

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear Sun,

Now that I think about it, maybe you should go visit someone else for a few days. I mean, it's nice that it's not freezing here in Austin, but 84 degrees is a bit silly. Go warm up some place else.

Besides, we never got a winter.

Love,

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear Winter,

Have I made you mad? Where did you go? You seemed to have packed your things and left Texas without telling me. You didn't even leave a number where I can reach you.

I miss you.

Love, Zay

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear Computer,

You were my baby. I defended you against the resident Mac person in our house. I replaced your motherboard, your video card, your processor. And now, you do this. All of my emails- gone. My images- gone. My website prototypes- gone. My super-funky desktop wallpaper that I made myself- gone.

I hate you. I decided I'm putting Linux on you and then stuffing you in a closet. Apple said they might approve me for a loan, and frankly, I was just waiting for OSX before I made the switch. You've really let me down, and if I never see another C: prompt again, it'll be too soon.

Always, Brianna

Dear Apple,

I know my credit isn't very stellar, but I really really NEED that iMac. I want to be a Mac owner! Regarding my credit report: I can explain everything! It's really not as bad as it looks, I mean, I don't owe anybody money. So I was late on a few payments- I've reformed now. That was a long time ago. Perhaps you can find it in your heart to approve my loan request. It's such a trifling little amount, I really don't see how it could be any trouble.

Love, Brianna

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear Pizza,

I swear to god that if you don't stop hanging around and making my life a living hell that I will call Lettuce Souprise You. Oh yeah, baby! Don't think that I'll order soup and salad!? Just try me you evil bitch!

P.S. Thighs say hello.

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Hey French Fries,

Please refer to Zay's pizza letter and go screw yourself. I have had enough.

Allison

Oh and you, yeah you, Dallas. If you haven't read my letter from that other posting from the allergy posting, here's a recap: "Stop trying to kill me with your disease encrusted pollen AND, can we please relocate the city to somewhere OFF the sun."

Thanks a million. I look forward to hearing from you.

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear Cigarettes:

It's been a month. Do I miss you?

Wait. What was I talking about?

Oh, yes. That crap I used to do. Since the hypnotism, I really don't care about you anymore. I don't THINK about you anymore. It's so magical, I'm ready to sing "I Will Survive" to your answering machine. Wooh!

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear Housekeys,

Baby, you know I couldn't live without you! Don't I drop my hand into my jacket pocket a hundred times a day just to caress you, and make sure you are still at my side? Didn't I give you a spiffy new keychain to parade around on? Don't all the other housekeys look at you with envy when they see it? Didn't I put the nicest hook on the back of the door for you to rest your weary little selves on?

Wasn't it enough, baby? Come on back to me. I looked everywhere for you....baby, it breaks my heart that you just left like that. No note, no nothing! C'mon, sweeties, and stop hiding from me. I won't be mad, I promise. I just want to see you shining in the palm of my hand.

You know you miss me.

Kristin

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear Apple,

I've been a faithful Mac user since my wee child days. I've always been quick to defend your honor and superior software. I have never wavered from my devotion, even when I wasn't sure exactly what model I had. I didn't desert you, only to come back because of a pretty face and a lower price.

Don't you think it's time you gave something back? Don't you think it's time you rewarded me for my loyalty?

Let me give you a suggestion: a new iBook, in Tangerine, would more that adequatly show your undying gratitude. I promise to take it out and show it to lots of people, really.

Love, Thetis

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear Snowgods,

I know I've been whining about not having enough snow this winter but now I'm looking out the window and it's been snowing for two hours and it hasn't stopped yet and I can't tell the difference between the sky and the snow and I just KNOW that the rush hour traffic is going to be ten zillion times worse than normal because people are stupid and forget where the lanes are (or for heaven's sake, even how many lanes there are!) even though they just drove the roads this very morning and you know what? I have a hair appointment that I have to get to tonight or risk being really really obviously root-y and so PLEASE MAKE IT STOP! Uh, and if you could get your friend the Sun to pop out and melt off my route to the salon, that would be great too. I know it's a little after hours, but see what you can do hey?

Thanks oodles. brie

DEAR SNOWPLOW GUYS: Please please please please oh PLEASE try not to bury my car under piles of snowplowed goop. It's not my fault that I have to park at the end of the driveway! Please, couldn't you lift the plow as you pass? That would also avoid the ridge that will trap me in the morning when it's frozen and my Grand Am, not being an SUV, can't get over it....

On second thought, please just get out there and plow yourselves silly so that I can make my hair appointment on time tonight.

Thanks -- no, really, thanks! brie

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

dear hungry UT students living off-campus,

learn to cook. leave me and my office ALONE for a few hours, eh? you're driving me NUTS.

luff-

irene

dear SXSW volunteers i'll meet tonight,

please don't be pretentious ass wipes. i mean, i like movies and all, but, PULEEZE return to reality once in awhile. i promise to make my shifts on time, if you promise not to talk incessantly about your "project."

LYLAS,

irene

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear Sun, Please listen to Pamie. Leave Austin alone. Come visit me! Scare away the lake effect snow. I like snow as much as the next person, but once we get near that 1 foot mark, I think it's time for a change. Come. Visit. Play with us. Kill some snowmen. That's always a good time. Pleadingly, Piper

Dear Food, You're wonderful. I love you. But can I ask you one teeny tiny little thing? How come if you taste good, you like to stick around, say on my thighs and stomach? And if I want to spare the extra padding, I have to eat the not good tasting stuff? I mean, come on, I know I said that those skinny people on tv needed some help from you, but really, I meant them? Not me. Please, just pick on them. I have an idea. Let's see what you think. I'll eat the yummy tasting stuff, and you can send all the extra padding to those skinny girls. It's the best of both worlds! Come on, you know you've always wanted to be on tv. Plumply, Piper

Dear Calculus Book, I know you're important in my life (though I haven't figured out how). But I just wish you didn't cost so much. I mean, I'd love to take you out more often. We could hang, be friends. But you're too expensive to play with. Alas, you shall be forced to sit on my shelf when I'm not doing my homework. And we could have been such great friends. Painfully, Piper

Dear Forum, I love you dearly, but really, I should be reading this Philosophy stuff. Could you maybe put some subliminal Philosophy text on yourself somewhere? Then I could learn and play at the same time. No, really, it's a good idea. Pretty please? With a cherry on top? Poutingly, Piper

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear Sun,
Please go. I loved the rain this afternoon, however, this was what? The first time in like, a month? Although, I do like not having to wear a cardigan around school...so the heat can stay.
Thanks,
Allyson

Dear Gods of My Chemistry Class,
Hey, just writing to say thanks for the wonderful 83% this past quarter. Very generous of you and please, keep it up!
Thanks again,
Allyson

Dear Belly Button,
I'm trying! Please don't get infected! I'm cleaning you 5 times a day, so pleeeeeeeeeease, don't give up on me! Besides, you look so cute with the little ring:)
Love,
Allyson

Dear Gods of Speech and Debate,
Yeah, I know. I haven't been the good little oral interpreter that I should've been these past months. But I'm making up for it! I'm practicing! Did you see me run out and get a new binder after I left the first in chemistry? So please, help me out this weekend? And maybe the rest of the tournaments this season?
Thanks for your help,
Allyson

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear Registrar's Office.
I hate you. Are you listening? If you're going to make people retake classes that they paid thousands of dollars to fail last term, at least you could tell us that before we spend three hundred dollars on books for classes that we're not allowed to take anymore.

Also, to that one lady who works in the back. Get a haircut. Stop wearing neon green and orange. And take a shower. Please. I'm begging.

-Meghan

Dear Snow
Where are you? I miss you so much. This is Ohio, for chrissake. It's the middle of January. Don't take this the wrong way, but where the hell are you?! You know, you can't just go cavorting off in North Carolina whenever you feel like it! There are expectations that you have to meet as the official "winter weather of Ohio", and you're just not doing your share. Come on. I heard up to six inches tonight. And the two inches from yesterday don't count. We need new snow.

Please?

Wistfully, Meghan

Dear Alarm Clock.
Just wanted to thank you for remembering to go off when you're supposed to.
That's it.

-Meghan

Dear Window-Next-To-My-Bed
Do you know how to close? What's up with this? I'm not all hip with waking up every morning to a blast of freezing cold air that seeems to override anything that I set the heater on. I like it when it's cold outside. I even like my room cold. But not when i have a tile floor and have to get out of bed in the morning. Just something to think about.
-Meghan

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear Claritin, CC: Amoxycillin

I LOVE YOU!!!!

Chris

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear snow,

Can you PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE start a little earlier this morning, and maybe even make JUST enough of a mess so that work is closed tomorrow. That would be grand...You see, work is in 7 hours... and I'm up playing on the internet instead.. But, BUT I have a good excuse, I'm doing research for my boss.. I just thought I'd spend 5 minutes laughing at pamie and her readers, they are so funny... It's just that they're so funny, I needed to spend an extra twenty minutes laughing at them.

So it needs to snow because I'm tired.. Have I mentioned that my department just got 'reorganized'? No, I didn't... well, that happened too.. Another reasons it needs to snow... My boss needs a day to relax and calm down... smoke a pack of cigarettes maybe... It'll be good for all involved, I swear...

Love, windy

Dear boyfriend,

When I ask you to tell me "It really is going to snow enough so you don't have to go to work and deal with your cranky boss" Can you PLEASE just repeat those exact words to me? I do NOT want to hear the facts about the weather, I want you to indulge me in my snow fantasy. It is your job to make me happy ALL the time... you are NOT making me happy if you repeat the weatherman who says there won't be nearly enough snow to close everything.

Just so you know for next time windy

Dear Registrar,

Why do you give me a discount for registering early for classes if I am WAIT LISTED FOR ALL OF THEM. I registered EARLY so that this WOULD NOT happen. What's up with that?

Bite me, I didn't want to learn web design anyway, windy

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

Dear Squishy Forum,

Stop being so interesting and fun. I've got to get to sleep!

Your pal, Erica

Dear Britney Spears,

Hi. Remember me? I clicked the remote control to let you into the office when you and your mom came to complete that power of attorney so you could go on tour without your parents. Well, OK, I know it was a long time ago.

Now I'm the person who decides how your web site gets updated and makes sure the videos are up on time. That is, when people cooperate...would you mind terribly calling our video duplication service for me and tell them a month is a bit long to wait to get your new video on the site.

Also, I'm the one congratulating you for your accomplishments on your site. Get to know me, I'll take good care of you.

Hey, by the way, thanks for being so swell to my little brother and cousins when they met you. They'll never forget it.

Thanks, Erica

P.S. If you're as sick of people speculating about your breasts as I am, please do us both a favor and don't wear a dress slit to your crotch to the Grammys. Really, what do I say when all my friends, family members and acquaintances ask me about your boobs? It's really not my favorite topic of discussion.

Dear Bossman:

I've noticed that year-end promotion announcements have waned and mine hasn't been announced yet. If you need me to type it up for you, please advise.

Best, Erica

P.S. If you can throw in a big, fat raise, too, I'd really appreciate it. You da man!

Dear Heat,

I'm very pleased with you at home. You make me all snuggly and warm and I thank you. In fact, sometimes I have to open the window, just so I don't get too much of you. I have such big radiator for such a small room. Please save some of yourself for the office, my fingers are almost too cold to type this letter to you.

Thanks bunches.

Love you, Erica

Dear Rock and/or Roll,

What happened? When I was 15, we were so close, you were my special friends. Now that I'm 28, you're a stranger to me. I just don't understand -- where did our love go?

Longingly, Erica

Dear Dashiki,

Thanks for not freaking out the white people. I think the big heart pattern helps. People just want to hug me when I'm wearing you and that's what you're all about, man.

Love, Erica

Dear Bladder,

Enough already! I'm going, I'm going...E

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

Dear Ass,

Please stop growing. You may have missed the memo, but I am not a growing kid anymore, nor have I been for a long time. Haven't you noticed that instead of getting higher and tighter, you're just getting wider and mooshier? Stop that!

Thanks,

Lisa

Dear Boobs,

Please perk up. I've been noticing that you seem a little depressed, like you are contemplating a permanent downward move. I have to say, I'm not very happy to see your attitude. A downward move for you is a downward move for the whole body. I understand that you are heavy, and that gravity is a bitch. Hey, we all hate gravity. But, believe me, you have so much to live for, so much to stay alert for. Please don't sag and mope, because if it's attention you're looking for, you certainly won't be getting much in that condition. Look alive, dammit. That is all.

Love,

Lisa

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

dear snow plow man:

not under my window. not at 7 am. i'll just walk through the drifts, thanks.

cheers,

aggie

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

Dear Java Script,

Please stop sending me that annoying error window telling me "there's more where that came from". I don't even know what you are trying to say. I don't understand you, Java, and therefore your warnings aren't helping me. Instead, you are making it extremely difficult for me to check and see if Pamie has updated, and I don't like to feel as if I am missing the latest addition. You have to be fast if you want to jump into the forums before post #72.

I have tried clicking on your misleading "X" in the corner, but it's only a trick. I must click "OK" 80 times before you will move, and then you only pop up to mock me again when I hit Reload. You know I have to hit Reload because my browser only refreshes once per decade on it's own, and you're just screwing with my head.

I appreciate the visit and all, but frankly, you get on my nerves. Go away now and bother a porn site instead. I don't want to see you in Squishy again, do you understand me?

Thanks!

Lisa

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

Dear Fellow Elevator Riders:

Generally, my personal space needs far exceed that of a standard elevator, but since I work on the 17th floor, I have little choice but to use one regularly. All things considered, I'd really prefer to ride alone and I will admit to having tried to figure out how to make the thing skip your floors, but to no avail. So, I take this opportunity to appeal to you to take steps to make my ride a little less painful by strictly observing the following rules.

One, remember that it is extremely bad form not to face forward and watch the little numbers light up. Under no circumstances should you stand on the side and face inward. Even though there's no way on Gods green earth you are undressing me with your eyes, it still feels like you are and thats creepy. So stop already.

Two, please resist the urge to spend your elevator time describing the latest evidence that your boss is incompetent and the other secretaries lazy and manipulative. You need to understand that your fellow elevatorians are assuming that since you gripe to strangers rather that to someone who can actually help you, you are part of (if not all of) whatever problem there might be. Ever hear the term "bad kharma"?

Three, please don't stare at or comment on the food I'm bringing up from the cafeteria. If you're hungry, get yourself a little something. If you have already eaten, I don't want to hear about how stuffed you are. Your "review" of the items I am about to eat are really better kept to yourself. Thanks anyway.

Four, if you are a naturally slow-moving person and/or are wearing shoes that a human being shouldn't be expected to successfully walk in, please hang back and let me exit first. If you insist on going first, I am going to get stuck for a long time following you down the hall, looking at your butt and thinking unkind thoughts about it.

Five, if you stop in the hallway to talk to someone, please don't position yourselves on opposite sides, forcing me to walk between you. When you do, I have to debate with myself about whether I should say "excuse me" as I pass. I always decide I shouldn't have to excuse myself for walking down the hall, but I guess the point is I really don't need the inner turmoil, thanks just the same.

Thank you for your attention to these pressing matters.

Very truly yours, Jon Arthur

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

Dear Depo-Proverone,
Things didn't have to end up like this. Why did you put me through such a fight just to stay at my normal weight? Why do you hate me? Why did you give me bizarre cravings for York peppermint patties and bottled water? Why did you make me smoke half a pack of cigarettes a day so that I wouldn't give in to the cravings for fried chicken? Why did you make me achy, cranky, depressed, emotional, and miserable during the HOLIDAY SEASON?
You know what, Depo? I'm not coming back. I don't have to. I don't need you anymore. I got rid of him, I can get rid of you, too.
You'll wear off by the end of this month. And then, baby, you're gone for good.
j.

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

Dear Toby,

Just because mommy isn't sleeping at home anymore doesn't mean you get to be mean and ignore me. I was the one who got up at 3 am with you when you were a puppy and took you outside to pee in 3 inchs of snow in my jammies - just so you would go. I'm the one who named you, I'm the name on your certificate that says "owner", I loved you way before your papa did.

Besides, Mark is starting to warm up to you. No more of this "I will play with you and kiss you and be nice to you when I want to attitude" mister. I want my old baby back. And when I do sleep at home, is it so much to ask that you sleep with me and not papa?? come on! I still love you.

Love, Mommy

Dear Y2K,

You have really screwed things up for me pal. i was hoping that you would erase all of the files for all of the credit card companies so I would be debt free. See if I ever welcome the 21st century into my life.

Signed, Disappointed in You

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

Dear pager, Where have you gone? As much as you annoy me sometimes, I don't want to pay for you if you're lost. Please come home!

Dear women on my floor, Is it too much to ask that after you've relieved yourself of bodily fluid/excrement that you flush the toilet? Thanks. Much obliged.

Dear Cox@Home, A whole month before I get my high speed internet access? Bah!

Dear Person I Work With Who Shall Remain Nameless, It's really hard to keep up the motivation when you surf the net all day and I bust ass. An hour and a half on the Nascar site when we have 30 tickets in the queue??? That's not right!

Dear Bosses, Thanks for the review and the raise. You guys rock!

Dear Annie, my lovely Chihuahua, You are cute, and snuggly, and have beautiful puppy eyes, and I love you dearly. My one request is that you stop chewing the crotch out of my panties. Thanks sweetie.

Dear Hubby, I love you. Can I borrow the new truck?

Kell

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

Dear Sprint Canada Internet Customers... I would really appreciate it if all of you would just sell your computers and buy horses... It may put me out of a job, but hey, at least i wouldnt have to hear the words "my internet's broke" anymore... thanks sooo much. Dennis

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

Dear Air Conditioning Unit,

Look I realise it must be hard catering for everyone's preferences, but do you think you might be able to settle on a easy-going temperature? I mean it was very thoughful of you to make it 14C when it was 30C outside, but by the time I left you I had developed a mild case of hypothermia. I'm sure the fat guy here who wears shorts all year long no matter how freezing it gets loved it, but I think it's time to settle down.

Thanks, Mogs

Dear Human Resources,

Hi, remember me? I'm the one whose office with the big window you overtook. Look I know that just because I have worked here for many years before you came along doesn't make me important, but I would really like it if I could have that window back. I've really tried to work things out with the air conditioning, bringing 2 sets of clothing in (hot + cold) daily etc, but I don't think it's working. I'm sure you'll love to have the office I've got now... it will bring you countless pleasure in greeting everyone who walks past your desk because it's a major thoroughfare here. And with the lack of windows here, you'll never be distracted enough to stuff up my annual leave tally ever again. I promise you, you'll never look back.

Regards, Mogs.

Dear Mum,

We all know how fascinating all those baby photos of me and my sister can be, but can you PLEASE, PLEASE stop coming around to show me them every time you rediscover one? Quite frankly it's scaring me and now you're starting to scare my boyfriend. I mean, how is he supposed to prepare himself for seeing his supposed groovy girlfriend getting her Brownie initiation? And I won't even go into the naked baby pix. If this continuous I swear I will resort to blackmail. I mean it.

Your daughter, Mogs

-- Anonymous, January 21, 2000

dear Morning, why, oh why, must you come so early? it's not that I don't enjoy seeing your bright shiny face... it's just that you come when I still need to sleep. if you could arrange to show up around, oh, noon, then I think we'd get along better. love, Kristal

dear People Upstairs, you guys sound like a herd of elephants. mind stepping a bit more lightly? regards, Kristal

dear US West, you guys suck. your service sucks. I hate you. Kristal

dear Boyfriend, you are wonderful. thank you for letting me whine. Love, Baby

-- Anonymous, January 21, 2000

dear flu bug, hi, its me, hez. why havent you stopped by? you never come see me anymore. its been years since weve spent the day together; me taking several minutes to get a single thought out through the thick cotton-like substance in my head, you sniggering in the corner delighting in my misery. i miss our days home together, when i cant eat solid foods, and need a hour-long nap after finally making my way from my bed to the sofa. trying to find some quality television at two in the afternoon. i miss that warm fuzzy feeling you give me: the fever, and the congestion. yeah, thats nice! not being able to breath through my plugged nose, and yet having a river of warm salty fluid flowing freely from each nostril. it shows me how much you love me. but you dont come round anymore. o, sure, you visit my friends, family, neighbours, co-workers, and every journaller on the web, but you never visit me. why, flu bug, why? is it because of what i said? about my superior immune system being able to spurn your advances? i was only kidding! really! i was just giving people a hard time for letting you stay so long. you know, you can be a rude house guest sometimes; you occasionally overstay your welcome. no, wait! i didnt mean that! im sorry, flu bug! dont go, please! come on! come on by my place tonight, eh? well have a drink, re-live old times! you can spend the night, maybe even a couple days. waddya say? come visit me, flu bug! i miss you! love, hez

-- Anonymous, January 21, 2000

Dear Seattle,

I know you think you are, but you are not All That.

love Jessamyn en route to VT

-- Anonymous, January 21, 2000

Dr JW: VT s nt, I mst dmt, bt y wr hppr n sttl, n? -SR

-- Anonymous, January 22, 2000

dear austrialian flu bug- gee, thanks. so glad you could visit. wanna clean the house while you're making me see double and want to kill myself? you're so SWELL. as always, your admirer, irene

dear dirty dishes- you know, you're really taking advantage of a good thing, and it's high time you pay back... self-cleaning? PLEASE? thanx, irene

-- Anonymous, January 22, 2000

Dear Sick Bug:

Please leave Steve alone. He doesn't want you. No matter how much attention you give him, he will never want you. You can't make him feel good like I can. All you do is bring him pain and misery. Go away. And stay out of my apartment too. Why don't you go visit someone who deserves you like my psycho ex-husband.

Die Germs Die!

Love,

Joy

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000

Dear Charlie Daniels Band:

Why did you make the devil's fiddle solo so much better? I could do without the guilt.

Thanks,

Bob -------

Dear Mom and Dad:

Sorry you couldn't stay married...but did you have to put my brother and I through so much hell in the process? I'm married and a father now, and I sometimes find the pain that I covered up for all those years coming up at the most inopportune moments...

Your son, Bobby -----

Dear MCI,

What more do we have to do to get it through to you that we do not want your service? We have filed with the BBB...we have hung up on you, screamed at you, even tried the nice logical approach....please, just kindly go away. Take Jordan and the Looney Tunes with you.

Sincerely, Mr. Beltran ------

Dear Hair:

Was it something I said?

Missing You.

Bob

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000

Dear City of Arlington, Va, and the rest of the Washington D.C. metro area,

Please learn that not everyone in the world wants to stalk you when they say "Hello" in the hallway. Take some Prozac. Note to the City of Arlington Fire and Police Department: I know that there have not been any fires for a week or so, and there is definitely no reason to pull anyone over for going 2 miles over the speed limit at 4 in the morning, so lighten up. You are waking up the taxpayers that keep you from going on welfare. I do appreciate the Sam Adams Cream Stout that cannot be found in Texas, good beer, makes me happy. What is with you people and signs, anyway? "Seat belts-it a law we can live with" and the pink please sign above the speed limit? Oy, is the only word I can express for that.

Dear City of Austin, TX and a few of it's residents,

I left my heart, my cat, Thor, and some CDs in Austin, TX. Please say Hi to the smoke break guys, Chuy's, and Magnolia Cafe. The food sucks here and I want to come home. I hope that nothing has changed with you except S. Congress. Thor, I hope that you are doing well roaming around 'Uncle David's' house and that they are not putting up with any of your crap. City of Austin, I hope that you find my friend Brian an loving girlfriend soon, or he will die a lonely but still adorable corporate male, and I hope that he has found the good sense to leave that weird girl alone. Get K-EYE 42 on the job and he will soon have a real date, and not just a hockey game and bad Canadian beer on a Friday night. Austin, Please don't hate me for leaving you, it was something that I had to do. People dress funny here, I haven't seen one person wearing sandals and socks, or any Drag Rats (I miss y'all too.) Say hi to the red head at Starbucks, see if she remembers the gerbils. Nathan, keep fighting the man. Pam, see you in Pittsburg if not sooner? Unfortunately missed the Lords of Acid, and will burn in hell accordingly. Love you lots, call or write soon.

-Jenn

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000

Dear US AIRWAYS,

How come when I call the Dividend Miles Service Center number I am given another number to call to speak to the Dividend Miles Customer Service?? Dividend Miles Customer Service is an oxymoron.

All I wanted to do was update my profile, but you evil people want me to put in my zip code to access it. I have moved 3 times in 7 months and 6 times in 2 and half years. How am I supposed to know which zip code you have in your computer?

So thanks to the rep who updated my address over the phone. Too bad I found out she messed it up after I got my PIN and got online. Fortunately, I fixed it.

So thanks a lot for not having the right phone number conveniently located on the back of my card.

Love,

Joy

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000