I can't be the only one that sleeps through certain movies. Man Billy Bob Thornton's drawl can make my eyelids snap right shut.

What films drive you to complete and total boredom?

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000

Answers

Post-Halloween horror movies are utterly useless, in my books. I'll go read a book or play computer games instead of sitting through that drivel.

I won't even start on how bad Blair Witch Project was. Hello people! You're in Maryland! Go downstream and you'll reach civilization soon enough!

To each their own, though. The wife can't stand anything Monty Python related.

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000

Westerns. I just can't handle 'em. TI'm sure Tombstone was wonderful, but alas, I will never know because the opening credits need barely begin before I am out cold. I couldn't even make it through Young Guns, for crying' out loud. Against my better judgement, I agreed to watch Wild, Wild West with my husband. I tried, I really did, but I lost consciousness soon after Selma Hayek predictably snuck onto the train. We got surround sound for Christmas, and I have discovered (much to my dismay) that Dolby makes sleeping through movies with any action at all nearly impossible (although, to be fair I should mention that a door closing can be considered 'action' if I am just slipping into the delicate stages of a new and beautiful sleep). My biggest complaint about Wild, Wild West was that it would get quiet for a while and then get REALLY FUCKING LOUD!!! for a while, causing me to wake up violently and levitate off the sofa in spastic panic attacks. My husband hated it too, but for reasons that actually had to do with the movie itself.

If I eat Chinese food for dinner, specifically Shrimp with Broccoli, then it doesn't matter how good a movie is, I am out like a light within 20 minutes of taking my plate to the kitchen. I have tried everything, even propping myself up in horrible positions so that the discomfort might force me to stay awake, but to no avail.

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000

movies with dirty, macho men... which, pretty much boils down to westerns and war movies. yup- i managed to get a degree in film production without ever having seen "apocolypse now." oh, and animal movies. bored to tears.

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000

Hey, I thought that volume issue with Wild, Wild West was just my ears acting funny. It really did get inaudible, then incredibly loud, from scene to scene.

I hate movies like Titanic, that have been hyped and hyped and hyped, and gotten glowing reviews, so that you feel obligated to like them, but they're really just very long pieces of crap.

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000

Mostly, I detest movies that insist on repeatedly hitting the viewer over the head with an Important Message in the shape of a hammer. Yes, rainforest destruction=bad, censorship=bad, racism=bad, dictatorships=bad, etc. etc. etc. WE GET IT. Tell a decent story and stop with the fucking preaching already.

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000

I detest penis movies.

C'mon..you know the type. Anything with Slyvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Jean Claude Van Damme, Jackie Chan - I don't think I've ever sat through an entire movie from ole Steve, Jean, or Sly, nor have I ever seen anything with Jackie Chan. Yeah, so Jackie Chan does his own stunts or whatever, but Kung-fu hype doesn't do anything for me and I won't waste the time or the money watching such movies.

Westerns can bite the big one, too. Those movies are snooze-fests as far as I'm concerned. They can only do so much in a saloon with a bunch of drunk, dirty, smelly men and the piano player.

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000

When Pamie and Eric argue over serious movies vs show me/don't tell me movies, it sounds like they are arguing over which is most important in the movie, content or medium-storytelling. What you have to say vs how you display what you say. Seriousness vs style.

Personally, I fall under the catagory of There's no such thing as a good or bad idea, only the good or bad presentation of an idea. Just from personal experience, I figure if a person knows what he/she is talking about, they can present there ideas (show me) without spoon-feeding it to the audience like babyfood (tell me). (Not that I'm not guilty of bad presentation. I'm still learning.)

I disagree with the example Pamie used of Platoon, however. I haven't seen it in a while, but that movie rang the babyfood bell for me with its we were fighting ourselves monologue at the end (Oliver Stone - tell me). This is in contrast to the ending of a movie like Full Metal Jacket, where the marching soldiers start singing the Mickey Mouse Club song (Stanley Kubrick - show me).

Oh, now that I've brought up Stanley Kubrick, I'm reminded of how pissed off I was at the attention Braveheart got, with no one mentioning what an inferior rip off of plot it was of Sparticus. When the English capture Wallace, and try to get him to confess his wrongdoing, he defies them by roaring Freedom (spoonfeeding). When the Romans catch the rebel slaves, and they want the slaves to point out which one of them is Sparticus, Tony Curtis, then all of them, stands up and says I'm Sparticus (show me).

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000

There are very few movies that I outright despise. In fact, I can only really recall two that to this day make me retch. One of them, "Your Friends and Neighbors" looked like it was going to be OK because of the cast, but it wound up being the most pointless waste of film EVER. I'm serious. About a half hour into it, I was ready to hit stop. However, I was actually curious if there was a plot somewhere, so I kept delaying turning off the movie. Every five minutes, I'd tell my friend (who also had the weird compulsion to identify a plot even though the movie sucked) "OK, five more minutes of this hell, and then I'm burning the tape," but it never happened. She and I sat through the ENTIRE damn thing waiting for a storyline to happen. Never did. 100 minutes or so of our lives, forever lost. Did anyone else see this movie? Was there something I missed? Enlighten me, please.

Another one was "Wild Things." Any movie that has to write out an explanation at the end explaining what actually happened during the movie is way too complicated. It was a big series of, "Oh, so you think you got it figured out, huh? WAIT! There's more!" Oh yeah, and just for kicks, let's through in a completely pointless girl/girl scene with Neve Campbell and Denise Richards so we can show off their boobs! WOO HOO! Puh-leez...

OK, I'm done now. Whew, I need a smoke.

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000

One movie that dared me to nod off more than once was Random Hearts. If you've seen the 30 second commercial you've seen the movie. The entire movie. It's happened to me before. I keep waiting for something to happen - something that wasn't in the commerical. It's not possible that they spilled the entire movie in 30 seconds ? Is it ? It's not even that the movie was bad. What it was though was an HBO/Families in Crisis 30 minute special. It was NOT a Harrison Ford, 2 hours and 20 minutes, $8.50 a person flick. Sadly, there are a lot of movies like that. The Horse Whisperer anyone ? I could go on...

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000

I loathe...loathe....LOATHE "deep", "indie" films that are really covered in too many period costumes and set designs to conceal the fact that they are in fact: fluff (yeah, I mean you _Shakespeare in Love_)!!! Damnit Paltrow! Find a tailor!!! Your damned pink dress didn't fit!!! God that pissed me off. Other movies include what I call: "Mel Gibson movies". That doesn't mean they all have Mel Gibson in them, nor does this apply to all Mel Gibson movies. I can't explain them, but the ones where the main charcter is an action anti-hero who is either good or bad (usually a police officer type) and the plot involves money in someway. Look at _Payback_. God they are so boring. The final type that I hate are these dumb-ass-disgusting-practically-porn-crap movies from the 70's that my friend makes us watch. Example, _Kentucky Fried Movie_.

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000

I just re-read my posting and realized I spelled "throw" T-H-R-O-U-G- H. I'm not a moron. I swear I'm not.

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000

I can't stand any Jackie Chan movie. Yes, I know, I'm a guy and thusly, by the requirement of the Golden Rule of Men, I'm to like action movies.

*coughs* bullshit *cough* Ahem, pardon me.

There was this movie with Will Smith in it, called Six Degrees of Separation or something like that, and I was sorry I rented it. So boring and pointless! My friends and I felt dumber for having seen it. We all wished we had been bombed.

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000

Holy crap, Jon, you mean you watched ALL of "Six Degrees of Separation"?? You poor, poor thing. How did you manage to make it to the end without stabbing a pencil through your eardrum to put you out of your misery?

That is, hands down, the very worst movie I've ever seen in my entire life. God, it sucked.

http://www.bitchypoo.com/bitchypoo.html

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000

I could go on and on about this, but I think I'll stick to saying how sick I am that Hollywood doesn't seem to be able to make a "good" or "important" movie without its being 3 hours long. Or even a truly sucky movie, in some instances! I have a hard enough time not falling asleep during these movies in the THEATRE, much less at home! (And let's not talk about what it does to your bladder if you're drinkin' sody pop!) "The Green Mile" was a semi-exception to this, as it didn't FEEL 3 hours long, but "Magnolia" sure did. I've never looked at my watch more during a movie. (I'm sure part of it was the fact that I had to pee pretty badly for the last hour of it, even though I'd intentionally limited my fluid intake beforehand.) There were true moments of brilliance in that, but damn, were some parts BO-ring. zzzzzzz. I'm still not sure if I really even liked it or not.

Other recent (or recent-ish) movies that could've stood for some cuts (and still told the same story) (and I only picked some of the movies I'd seen that were over two and a quarter hours):

"Titanic" (194 minutes), "The Thin Red Line" (170 minutes), "Saving Private Ryan" (170 minutes), "The English Patient" (160 beautiful but dull minutes), "Eyes Wide Shut" (159 minutes I still haven't made up my mind about), "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" (155 min.), "Contact" (153 min.), "Boogie Nights" (152 min.), "Amistad" (152 min.), "A Time to Kill" (149), "Summer of Sam" (141), "Primary Colors" (140), "The Talented Mr. Ripley" (139) (which I did love, but it was too friggin long), "Fight Club" (139 ugly, relentless minutes), "Face/Off" (138), "Jerry Maguire" (138), "Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace" (136 wretched minutes), "The Matrix" (136), "L.A. Confidential" (136), "As Good As It Gets" (136), "Secrets & Lies" (136), and "Lone Star" (135).

Used to be that they would only make the occasional movie, like "Gone with the Wind," or "The Godfather," longer than 2 hours. I'm not saying that all of these movies sucked, by any means, (though some definitely did), but what is up with this trend of long ass movies!? Give it a rest already! Tell your freaking story and let me go home!

By the way, did anybody else out there hate "Rushmore", or was it just me? That scene where Bill Murray takes a carrot off Olivia Williams' plate was the point where I almost walked out. It was just too friggin slow for me. Or something. (Sometimes you just can't explain a visceral hate like that!)

If you want to see the movies I hated last year, see pamie's "the year in movies 1999".

(I guess I sorta missed the point of this topic though, huh?)

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000

I hate movies that are more than 5 or 10% romance. Watching people act romantic on the screen is so boring. I also hate movies with these so-called sensitive, modern men such as tom hanks or robin williams. They just piss me off. Especially Robin Williams... he used to be so funny, now he's just irritating. I hate old movies. Anything made before the 70's can not keep my attention. I also hate movies that try to shove their cause or main idea down your throat. I hate horror movies - anything where things are jumping out of the dark or from behind doors - it freaks me out, makes me nervous, and I jump from my seat and scream every time something unexpected happens.

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000

How can I describe them? They are basically any movie my father-in- law watches. He seems to honestly love these God-awful movies that no one else has ever heard of. A Patrick Swayze action movie? You've got it baby, and I've seen more than one of them.

He has a tiny rec room with a HUGE big-screen t.v. and surround sound. It's the type of room where no matter where you sit (including the second stair from the top of the staircase), you are sitting too close to that damn t.v. Their family's idea of a good time is huddling up in there, renting any crap that has been released. Never an Oscar nominated movie among them, let alone anything with a successful theatre run.

The only ones that top those are the ones my father-in-law tapes for his personal collection. My husband borrows one and starts to watch it at our house, while I occupy myself with other things.

ME: Don't even bother getting involved with that sweetie. You know what's going to happen.

HUSBAND: NO! Why are you always down on movies? You hate movies!

ME: I don't hate movies, but you know how your dad is...

(HALF HOUR BEFORE END OF MOVIE) HUSBAND: Shit! He did it again!

The timer has been erroneously set and instead of watching the end of the movie, my husband is treated to a recording of the 11 o'clock weather report from the night of the doomed taping. I swear, that basement is full of one hundred never-ending movies! It's my worst nightmare!

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000

i, too, detested six degrees of separation, which is very odd, because it's based on an absolutely fabulous john guare play. fantastic.

there are very few movies i sleep through, but movies in which multiple buildings blow up usually do it for me. i'm also (interestingly enough, as i adore the plays themselves) not a big fan of movie adaptations of shakespeare's plays. i zone out before the second act even starts. bah.

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000

Oh, my goodness. I must be a phenomenally large rube, because apparently I am the only person on the face of the earth who didn't think American Beauty was good enough to be called "important." (Or, in fact, anything more than "get a pillow right now, kids, and prepare to be annoyed.") I lose my patience with movies that are agonizingly clichid and hurty... you know? Maybe I'm just cranky. No, I am cranky, but listen, if I have to see another dysfunctional family/sullen teenagers/gettin' high/guns/"fucking faggot!" movie, I will eat my head.

I go to film school. Have I mentioned this? I am a phenomenally large rube -- I actually loved and bought The Matrix. Yeah. I'd rather be entertained than beaten over the head by pseudo-intellectualism and endless commentary on the state of life today.

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000

I dislike much of what is classified as "action movies" like all the Die Hards, Rambos, and movies where explosions and shattering glass and crashed cars are on screen more often than actors. I think I just ruled out James Bond flicks as well. At least the more recent ones. There are exceptions, however.

All the gratuitous destruction of property bugs me.

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000

Any film with a rape scene. I'm sorry, but I don't find that entertaining.

-- Anonymous, January 11, 2000

Those actions movies where the male lead says about 3 lines total.

Affectionately known as "manly man" movies.

"ugh I'm such a manly man, watch me flex my muscles as I rescue a kitten/save the world/run from my captors who brainwashed me"

Ala that Kurt Russel movie whose name escapes me.

Also those films that everyone raves about simply because it's so damn complicated or stupid they figure it MUST somehow be very clever.

I also hate it when reviewers here give australian movies 3 stars simply on the merit that they are australian.

Oh and movies with australians in them bug me to pieces.

Sure I have that accent - but I don't do it THAT badly - do these people deliberately make their accent worse??

-- Anonymous, January 11, 2000

Oh, believe me, Kristen, they do!

I personally loved 'Muriel's Wedding', but I would never show it to someone who wasn't Australian, because they wouldn't understand half the humour, and it gives a misconception of Australian life. Most Australian movies exaggerate. Particularly comedies. Don't even get me started on 'Crocodile Dundee'.

I also hate any movie with Leonardo DiCaprio that was made after 'Titanic', because he now gets more attention than the actual movie. "Hi there, regular Joe! Do you know what 'The Beach' is about?" "Yes, I do! It's about.. um, I guess there's a beach. A guy goes to the beach.. Leonardo DiCaprio is in it!" Definately the most irritating celebrity, ever.

By the way, I found the most hilarious site the other day. Link! It takes the piss out of recent films. I loved it, because it pokes fun at the irritating things about films like Target Audiences (particularly Stupid Teen Audiences).

-- Anonymous, January 11, 2000

Films like "Notting Hill", "My Best Friends Wedding", "She's all That" You know, movies where you know EXACTLY what's going to happen just by watching the trailer. Also, anything with Steven Segal and Jean Claude Van Dame, Sly Stallone etc. (even my husband doesn't like them).

For some reason I love all Vietnam movies (don't ask) I can pretty much recite "Full Metal Jacket" and "Apocolpse Now" word for word. Hated "Titanic" (although I cried a lot at the end) Never saw a Monty Python film (it just looks so stupid at the beginning and I can't sit through it) or anything with Dudley Moore in it. Have lost my taste for "Porky's" type movies (if I ever had a taste for them that is) yet I still love "Weird Science" Go figure.

I love the smell of Napalm in the morning.

-- Anonymous, January 11, 2000

okay, to catch up... i remember enjoying "six degrees of separation," though i saw it a LONG ass time ago... "rushmore-" whatever. i thought it was bore-ing. what was up with the "LOVE INTEREST" (she didn't even DESERVE a name, that's how much of a person she was- ok, i get it- you're pretty and have an accent, so you're the LOVE INTEREST. she was as interesting as watching paint dry. i did like "american beauty," mainly b/c i'm totally enamoured with kevvie spacey (sigh). i thought it was a good deconstruction of the typical successful suburban family. but, SERIOUSLY, would you pay $3,000 for a little baggie of really good weed? i sure as hell wouldn't. there a re several REALLY GOOD movies i've enjoyed lately, and i'm super-picky (just ask my man), so here are a few... 1. the celebration 2. gadjo dillo (the crazy stranger) 3. accion mutante (mutant action- totally hilarious spanish action/comedy) 4. ma vie en rose (my life in pink) 5. day of the beast (another wicked sharp spanish thriller/comedy)

okay, i could go on and on, but there is WORK to be done!

arg.

-- Anonymous, January 11, 2000

"Lone Star" was pretty good, you should give it a go sometime. Forget "Sling Blade", though. That movie was probably the biggest disappointment I've had in recent years expected so much after all the Oscar hype (cos it never came here to Australia until several months after the Oscars) and was so tragically let down.

As another film graduate, I had to watch an awful lot of unspeakable shit during five years at university, so I'm slightly surprised to find I can't actually come up with a list of what ticks me off with films. Not that I'm necessarily easily pleased, but I can be fairly forgiving. I think the point made about the length of many films these days was a good one, though. There are a number of stories which do require a long time to be told ("Heat" was one where I'd couldn't cut more than a tiny amount without damage), but most films made today are simply too long for their own good. How many films lasting two hours couldn't do better at 90 or 100 minutes? There's a film currently doing the rounds here that's only about 50 minutes long, though I haven't heard anyone complaining of feeling short-changed by it

http://www.geocities.com/jgwr/ 

-- Anonymous, January 12, 2000