I'll start.

Dear Smashing Pumpkins,

I liked you a lot better when you weren't pretending to be a heavy metal band. Thanks.

Love,
Pamie

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Answers

Dear Shania Twain, Faith Hill, Garth Brooks, Lee Ann Rimes....

I liked you better when you stayed on your end of the dial and weren't pretending to be rock stars.

Love, Susie

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear Larry Niven,

I loved it when you actually wrote new novels, rather than just recombining all your other short stories/novellae/novelettes/noveleenies into new anthologies with enticing names.

Love, Colin

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear U2,

I'm all for irony, but I can't figure out if the last half of your last album "Pop" was supposed to be a jokey comment on pop music or if you guys really thought that was music. I mean, i really liked "Please," but Bono was kinda rasping it out there, wasn't he? I mean, maybe you should go on the patch for a little while, see how that works out for the pipes.

Oh, and if you run into him, could you please tell Trent Reznor that if was going to re-record Downward Spiral and turn it into a double album, that he could have hired the Dust Brothers or Flood or Famine or whoever the hell produces fatalistic albums like that and they probably could have done it in about 6 months instead of five years? Thanks.

Oh, and Bono, if you have time between meeting the Pope and trying to settle world debt, could you write a song as pretty as Running to Stand Still again or as cool Mysterious Ways? It would be very nice.

Love ya, (despite it all)

Omar

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear Lenny Kravitz, Do you have to be on every radio dial? Thanks. Love,
Pamie

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear Liam Gallagher,

The next time you decide to go AWOL, could you do it for like...EVER? The world would be a much nicer place if Oasis ceased to exist. Thanks!

Love, Sarah

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear Robin Williams,

"Bicentennial Man"? Why? I really want to know.

Love, Sarah

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear David E. Kelly:

You know it pains me to have to write this letter, but could you POSSIBLY, possibly, POSSIBLY have some different story lines for The Practice and Ally McBeal. I only watch THREE shows on TV. These are two of them. Please make it a lil' bit easier to distinguish between the two of them.

(Making Lucy a lil' bit less annoying than Elaine helps, but not by much honey bunch.)

Dear Fox:

Would it KILL you to move That 70's Show to Sunday or Monday so I could actually watch it without having to call in sick? Kick off the dog girl and bring back double shots of T70S on Monday! I will riot!

Dear Stop Smoking commercials:

How you came up with that talking parrot is beyond me. Kill it. You may be discouraging smoking, but you're ENCOURAGING hunting. I want to twist that stupid lil' bird's neck every time I hear that commercial. And you know what? If I wasn't pregnant, I'd be lighting up every time it came on JUST TO SPITE YOU! Bastards.

Love,
~Jo~

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear Nicholas Cage,

It's over between us. I'm sorry to have to break it to you this way, but I just don't feel the same for you anymore. Nick, please don't cry...it's just that I have been disappointed in you for so long, I finally decided to move on, make a clean break.

I wish you would have continued to do weird, edgy, non-blockbuster films. If you had just thrown in a couple of movies like Very Bad Things, Election or Suicide Kings, maybe things could have been different for us. Maybe then I could have forgiven the poor choices you made over the last several years. To be fair, I haven't seen your latest one, about the ambulance driver. Maybe it's more like your old stuff, but I haven't been able to force myself to check it out. I think it would just be too painful. There were good times, happy memories of your older movies for which I will always have a soft spot. Remember Wild at Heart? How about Raising Arizona? You do? Well, then, WHY IN THE HELL would you turn around and make a horrendous piece of shit like Con Air?!? Were you lured in by the promise of hair extensions? City of Angels, puh-lease! Okay, okay, so it had it's moments and you were pretty cute in it during the sensitive scenes. But when you read the script and saw the ending, why didn't you throw it down and run away? Or, why didn't you say, "I will only do this movie if you don't kill Meg Ryan, because that's just plain wrong." The Rock? Come on, we both know you should have just let Bruce Willis go ahead and handle it so you could have done something more worthwhile, don't we? Face Off? Ha! more like Rip Off, and you even had to drag down one of my other favorites, John Travolta, with you. (I know, I told you I liked the action scenes, baby, and I did a little...but I was trying to spare your feelings.) And what about Snake Eyes?!!? Had you lost your freakin' mind??? Snake Eyes was one of the worst movies EVER!!! I'll admit, I had high hopes for 8mm. I thought, This is it! This is the one that will make me love Nick again! But, no. It blew.

Don't try to give me any of those baby-need-a-new-pair-of-shoes excuses, because I'm not hearing that. You and Patricia have plenty of money to go around without having to pimp yourself out. I'm sorry, but I already had to dump Brendan Frasier's ass for the same reason, so you're in good company. Don't call me, I'll call you.

Sincerely,

Lisa-Who-Loved-You-Since-Valley-Girl

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear Mark E. Smith (lead singer of The Fall), So sorry that I forgot about you all these years! I heard "I am curious oranj" today, and was reminded just how wierd you are. I will be buying the album soon, or maybe santa will bring it for me!

Stay in school,

your biggest fan,

Eric

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear David Lee Roth.. What the hell were you thinking?? Part of one of the greatest cock rock bands that ever was and you thought just because you had one song that did well you could make a solo career out of it??? Well 'Mr i cant even get people to come see me in vegas', serves you right.... I wish you continued luck with your career as gigalo... Sincerly, Dennis

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear Lenny Kravitz,

i cannot pretend to understand your love affair with tommy hilfiger; i assume it is some sort of triple-dog-dare-ya between you and kate moss. our love will survive, but seriously...babe...we need to talk about this. "fly away" on nissan commercials was bad enough, but tommy hilfiger??!!! come back home, darlin'. i'll make cornbread and we'll listen to al green records. still your flower child, erin

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear Madonna,

Out of respect for the recent death of Madeleine Kahn, I request a long moratorium on talking like her on awards show.

Thanks,
Your fan
Omie

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear person/people in charge of saturday morning television programing.. Where have all the cartoons gone?? What is with these live action comedies?? No one likes them... Saved by the Bell?? How is this still on TV?? Please return to the regular 7am til 1pm all cartoons all the time... And no crappy cartoons like 'Pippi Longstocking' or 'Sherlock Holmes 2000'.. I wants Scooby Doo, and the Justice League... and if you want to show new cartoons, 'Dexters Lab' and 'Johnny Bravo' will do fine.. Thank you for your cooperation.. Dennis

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear Mariah,

For the love of pete..cover up your tits already!!

Hate ya, L

PS Please pass this request onto jailbait Britney

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear Oscar Meyer,

Please talk to the bun people about putting the same amount of buns in a package as there are hot dogs in a pack.

Appreciate it!

Lisa

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear Billy Blanks (TM), I know it's only been a few hours since I last wrote to you, but I forgot to mention another key element to the bizarreness that is Advanced Live #4. What is up with your shorts? I couldn't really read what it said since you just kept kicking and jumping and dancing the entire hour, but at one point I'm pretty sure I read "Lylas." Was it "lylas?" Was it "Jesus?" What was it? Write back soon, Lylas,
Pamie

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear Brad Pitt,

I really enjoyed your performance in "Thelma and Louise". But now I realize I was blinded by your beauty, ok it was your abs. But now I realize the truth about your acting ability, if acting were a baked potato you would be the nasty, dried up skin on the end that was burned in the microwave. Let me spell it out for you - you REALLY suck - is that clear. I mean come on I saw "Meet Joe Black", enough said.

Thanks for your time,

Ellin

P.S. And tell your skinny bitch woman to eat a freakin' corn chip or an Almond Roca for Christ's sake.

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear Brittney and Mariah,

Please ignore Laura.

Love,
your male fans

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear Matt Groening.

I stood by you with the Simpsons. I laughed out loud at all of Homers "mmm....sacriligious" jokes. I even defended you when every one deserted you to watch South Park. But now sadly I must tell you it's over. I'm sorry but I watched Futurama and I just can't do it anymore. You're on your own.

Yours in pain, Mogs.

Dear Brittney,

Just wanted to say thanks for your video clips. I haven't laughed that hard in ages.

Yours, in clichis, Mogs

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,

I hear your friends call you Love. Can I call you Love? Great, thanks. Well Jennifer, hideous creature, congratulations on producing your own show. It must be a real headache to churn out these gruelling episodes, like the one in which everyone adores you or where three good-looking guys all fall madly in love with you. Oh wait, that's every episode. Gosh! You're so neat. The last thing that I want you to do is drop off the face of the earth. OK? Super. Love, Heather

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear Kevin Smith,

It's not that I didn't like Chasing Amy, or even Dogma, but would you please make another no-morals, no-point raunchy angst movie like Clerks?

And would you put your movies back in funky art-house theatres so I didn't have to share you with the ignorant masses? Thanks.

I miss you. Say a word or two for me sometime.

love, ariel

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear REM,

Thanks for everything. I will always love you, no matter what Michael Stipe wears/says/does. You are my boys.

Yours, Allison

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear Drug Companies,

Please stop telling me about all of the side effects associated with taking your particular drug.

Just when I thought that I had found a pill that could cure it all, you have to go and spoil it by telling me that it causes anal leakage or an oily discharge or an inability to control my bowels.

And let's not even get into the ones that cause severe vaginal bleeding.

I don't even know what some of the side effects are...and if they are worse than the illness that I would be taking that particular drug for...

You make me want to just stay sick all the time. ericka

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear South Park; Austin Powers 2; American Pie; There's Something About Mary,

Gross is not funny, it is just gross. It is also possible to be funny without the excessive swearing, or gratuitous sexual references. Thank you.

Love, Ari. ---------- Dear Dawson's Creek,

Go away.

No love, Ari. ------------- Dear Madeline Kahn,

I'll miss you :(.

LOTS of love, Ari.

-- Anonymous, December 07, 1999

Dear South Park, Austin Powers 2, Something About Mary, American Pie, Even though I didn't see you, American Pie, don't listen to Ari. Gross is funny. Love, andy ps- I just farted

Dear Mariah and Britney, As an adendum to what Omar said, just go ahead and pose for Playboy already. I mean, we're all adults here (well I don't think you'll find a doorman that would turn you away, Britney) and I think we should stop playing these games. It's obvious that you would rather be known for your physical attributes than your (ahem) talent, so why not cut to the chase. L..., well, one of those L-words, andy

Dear Jennifer Anniston, Congrats on the marriage. Now you might be able to keep a career after Friends is cancelled (and don't pretend it ain't gonna happen). Just wanted to let you know that you will no longer be in the running to become queen of my island nation, Andyland. See, I liked you when you were cute, just like I liked Courtney Cox in 'Misfits of Science' back in '86 before she started looking like a skeleton. Eat something. Oh and don't worry, Jewel's out of the running, too. If 'My Hands' hadn't done it, seeing her in that 'Swallow the Moon' (a very thinly veiled euphemism, if you ask me) video would have. Love, but not in that way, andy ps- You and Brad can wash your hair, you know. What was with those semi-dreds? You know what kind of control you have over national hairstyles?

Dear Billy B, Was than JFK, Jr. in your Advanced Live 2 video? If it was, he wasn't doing the side kicks right, just so you know. Oh, and that turtle faced lady behind him scares me. And if you want to speak to your audience and give them words of encouragement, don't say 'girl' to the camera. Some of us wussy-boys who are trying to make ourselves pretty are getting enough jokes made by friends and family- we don't need you to join in. With manly love, andy

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Keenu Reeves,

Would it kill you to get, like, a horde of acting coaches? Your dignity is suffering, bro.

Just a casual movie viewer,

Jon

P.S. Stay away from my girlfriend.

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Garth Brooks,

Shut up.

Please make that all of your personalities.

Thanks.

alexis

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Keanu Reeves,

Don't take what Jon said too personally. You don't have to stop being in movies, you just have to stop talking in movies. Accept only roles in which you do not have to speak, and all will be well. Maybe they could dub your lines.

Or mime!

Good luck, love, jenny http://www.chickpages.com/rants/jn42d

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Delta and US AIR:

I liked you better when you had reasonable flight connections. What is up with all of your connections for me to fly home and visit my family for Christmas having either 40 minutes or 2 hours between flights? What happened to the 1 hour connections I usually have? Forty minutes is a little risky to try to hoof it from the B terminal to the C terminal in Pittsburgh, but I also don't want to sit around and wait for 2 hours.

And by the way, DELTA, I have always liked you better. Especially since US AIR is always late and that one time they lost my luggage at the beach. I swore I would stick with you forever. But now, with $100 difference in fares, I'm going to have to give US AIR one more try. Straighten up and fly right and maybe I'll be back.

Love,

Joy

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Johnny Depp,

I think it's great that you've found love and have a new daughter and finally your life has the stability that you've been craving since you never bothered to find me. But could you do me a favor? If you're going to be on every magazine and every talk show there is promoting Sleepy Hollow, then can you find another phrase to say about your daughter than she's given you the meanings of "words like 'dignity' and 'honor?'" I mean, it was great on the Today Show, but now it's in Premiere and I'm starting to say your interview lines with you.

Oh, and if you could call me up and speak some French to me, all will be forgiven.

Waiting in Austin,

Love, love, love,

Pamie

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Talk Soup,

I remember laughing with you and sharing the good times when John Henson was on the show. Wasn't he a riot? It brings tears to my eyes to see him doing the same thing on Network Television for "Weird Commericals and Shows in Other Countries" or whatever nonsense they call it.

But that is not why I'm writing to you.

I need you to know that Hal Sparks is ruining EVERYTHING! He's not funny or endearing and it's breaking my heart.

Listen, I can understand what you were going for. I know just the guy. His name is Andy Cobb. You can check out his stuff here on my forum. He's in my comedy troupe, if you need to get in touch with him. Imagine the comedy stylings of John Henson in an even cuter package than Hal. Oh yeah, are you drooling yet?

He's what you were looking for, but you guys accidentally called Hal. All will be forgiven if you give Andy a shot.

Thanks.

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Talk Soup,

Please listen to pamie. I don't know Andy, but I trust her judgment. Besides I can't watch you anymore now that Hal is on the show. And I really did love you.

Sadly, Jeanine

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Ally McBeal,

Please eat something besides your finger. And if you can't do that, then please start wearing big, heavy sweaters and various other padded articles of clothing so I don't have to see your 10-year-old-boy-boobies. By the way, we have all figured out that your lips aren't really big and pouty, you are just sticking them out in a lame attempt to make them look that way, but instead you just look like a mouth breather, so stop it. And brush your hair. And shut up.

Thanks,

Lisa

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Mastercard,

Thank you for increasing my limit. And, thank you for the lovely checks you sent me. You mean I can just use those checks like real checks? So exciting! I could even use them to pay my bills and even my rent! Wow, how convenient for you to send them to me right at Christmas time. You people are so sweet and friendly! Why just the other day I called and spoke with someone, I believe Holly was her name, she almost fell in to the phone with sweetness. I was a little concerned that I had not received my statement for the month. Holly let me know, sweetly, that I had no reason to worry. That because my balance had been paid in full and I had no charges for the month, I would not be receiving a bill until next month. How nice.

But I am still a little concerned. I think you must have mistaken me for someone else? I can't figure out where all this nice nice is coming from. Don't you remember me? Misty? You use to call once a month, demanding money. You use to treat me bad, I mean BAD, everytime I called (yeah, I still remember you Becky, you stupid bitch). You kept raising my rate, you had no sympathy when I moved across the country and didn't receive my mail. You charged me late fees. Remember? Remember?

Well I know you are not that nice, and you should know I am not that stupid. I know why you are kissing my tush. Were you a little shocked when I paid off that balance? Were you?

My my my how your attitude towards me has changed. Bastards.

And don't get excited. Those plane tickets I charged? The check is already in the mail baby. You won't be getting a dime of interest from me. You fuckers.

Do I sound bitter? You bet your ass I am. I won't forget the nastiness. I won't forget the way you made me feel. You don't fool me with your "let's play nice with Misty". No, you don't fool me. I needed you for a long time. I depended on you. You abused me. This relationship is over. You don't own me (Anymore).

no love from me you fucks, mis

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Keanu,

I'm with Joy....don't listen to Jon....I don't mind if you speak, just refuse...I mean REFUSE to accept a role that reqires a southern accent, k? thanks.

much love.

alexis

and while I'm at it....

Dear Johnny Depp and Kidrock,

I would like to introduce you both to a great friend of mine. Johnny, Kid, meet Shampoo. Im sure you'll become life long friends. I'll share mine with you, Johnny baybee.....but I hate you Kid, to go buy your own.

much love to johnny

much something other than love to kidrock

alexis

and let's not forget....

My dearest Gavin,

Umm, sweetie? Could we PLEASE do something with the hair color? That red SUCKS, baby....sucks.

If you would have dumped Gwen when I told you to, this would have never happened.

Oh well, maybe I can talk some sense in to you on Saturday night when I see you in Dallas....I mean, I had to kiss some serious ass to get these tickets. I just wish the "Bush Bash" could have just been us and not 200 other people.

See you Saturday night,

alexis

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Gavin,

Although I hate you, hate your music, I do find something gleeful about the phrase "bush bash."

I'm sure there are plenty of people who agree with me.

Apathy,

Pamie

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Beer, I enjoy seeing you almost every night, but can you please leave me alone for a while? You know I only keep you around because I'm a nice guy. Just turn and walk away and I will see you next year. Aww... Who am I kidding? I can't stay angry at you... Glug... Glug... Ahhh... Sincerely, Chuy

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear College, Why'd ya do it man? We were just getting to know each other you know? I mean, just get comfortable, and suddenly, you're a whole different thing! Gone are the all-night movie marathons, gone are the midnight trips to Wal-Mart. Gone are the hours of free time to become reaquainted with the little joys of life. And now you've betrayed me with you exams, your final papers. Sure, you say, but break is coming. WHATEVER College, don't give me that, I have to do all this WORK before break. Don't even think I'll forgive you for this.

Love Katy

Dear Suite Mates, Thanks for continually sharing the joys of Ghetto rap with us through the bathroom. Let me tell you there is NOTHING like waking up to that throbbing bass, oh, I mean, unless you count waking up to that throbbing base at 2 am. Keep it real love Katy, PS I'm NOT going to be the first one to buckle on this bathroom cleaning standoff. I can learn to love mildew!

Dear GAP, Thanks SO much for the snowflake danceing comercial. I LOVE THAT. I want to be a GAP dancer when I grow up.

Love Katy

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

I forgot one: Dear next door neighbors, Sure, I love the new Counting Crows just as much as anybody, if not more, but there are more tracks than that first one, (try 2, 7, and 10) and there ARE other albums out there. And while you are experimenting, check out that crazy cool VOLUME button, your stereo and my head are separated by only a thin wall. PS That Santana song? WE'RE ALL OVER IT! Love Katy

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

hi jennifer lopez,

we haven't really been properly acquainted, since i don't listen to crap radio and i don't have much opportunity to watch mush music. still, you know what they say about first impressions.. i must say, your half-naked-cowering-in-the-corner publicity shots were especially poignant, but when i saw your video (rising to the top of the coca-cola countdown! congrats!) i couldn't help think that males everywhere must be wondering.. "is she going to fuck me? or is she going to fuck someone else?" after all, it is a foregone conclusion.

in the same vein, i'd like to send a big hello out to santana!

wow, i always did think you were awfully swell, having watched your woodstock performance of 'soul sacrifice' about three hundred and forty eight times. that stuff is historic, ya know? and we thought we'd heard the last of you! well, silly us. no, it turns out you're sell(-out)ing lots of copies of your new album, complete with lame guest stars, and propelled out of obscurity with a bunch of half- naked chicks. again, congrats.

and hey, tori amos, i'm still madly in love with your first four albums, but i have to say that "to venus and back" is one of the most boring pieces of shite i have ever heard. on top of that, the fact that you've piggy-backed it on an incredible live album is almost insidious. luckily, you've spawned so many nutcase fans that it will still sell like crazy. and if celine dion weren't retiring, i'd be holding my breath for a duet of '1,000 Oceans', perhaps for a 'Titanic' sequel. now, that would be great, wouldn't it?!

oh, and either stay off the coke, or shut up about it. lots of impressionable kids are listening intently to your every word.

keep up the good work, guys!

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Pamie,

you made me cry.

I hope you're happy.

alexis

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear alexis,

Don't listen to pamie. Just know that I'm singing to you and only you out there. I know our love goes beyond bad hair and bendhis.

Whenever I sing real soft and then shout real loud, I'm doing it for you. Everytime I repeat myself, every time I repeat myself, every time I repeat myself, I'm stumbling over my love for you.

Yeeeahhhh.

Oh, yeahhhh..

Hold it, I just wrote another "hit."

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

dear northwest airlines:

if you're going to be the only airline with a direct flight from minneapolis to baltimore, could you please at least make sure they leave on time? thanks.

smooches, aggie

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Cal,

Please stop licking my face with your sandpaper tongue. It is very late and my skin is very sensitive.

Your friend,

the guy who rescued you from the pound

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Ortho-McNeil(makers of Ortho Tri-Cyclen),

Could you please make a birth control pill that does not make me crave McDonald's fries.

Thanks,

Misty

Dear Ortho-McNeil (makers of Ortho Tri-Cyclen),

Also, could you add a little extra of whatever it is that makes the boobs grow?

Thanks,

Steve

(Misty's husband)

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Burt Reynolds: I hate you. I hate the way you handled the whole Loni thing with zip, zero, zilch class. The sight of you makes me want to barf, and I hope I never accidentally pop a movie in the VCR and turn it on to find your loathesome face on the screen.

I'd like to say that someday there will be a dearth of bodacious blondes willing to date your stupid ass, but Hollywood appears to just run over with stupid bodacious blondes, so you'll probably die in the arms of a 30 year-old boobally-enhanced intelligence- challenged bimbo. Robyn

Dear Farrah: You're scaring me. What was up with that grimace on your face all through "Ally McBeal" last week? Robyn

Dear Calista: Look. I don't know where you get your acting tips, but if you don't stop TOUCHING YOUR FREAKING FACE every six seconds, I'm going to have to throw something at the TV. It's not cute. It's not sexy. It's annoying. Cut it out. Robyn

Dear Dyan Cannon: Stop with the plastic surgery. You look like "Madame." Robyn

http://www.bitchypoo.com/bitchypoo.html

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Tori Amos: Why did you have to start playing bigger venues? We liked it so much better when we didn't go to a concert of yours and get stuck in a MOSH PIT. I mean, you had a great carreer going, and many loyal fans, but I must say your last album was not up to par with your older material such as Little Earhquakes or Under the Pink. Do you mean to tell me the guys in the band don't have anything better to do?

Dear Shrimp-fried Rice: Why, oh why do I crave you 4 days out of every month? What is your secret, and could you maybe pass it on to something slightly more healthy for me such as carrotts or something????

Dear Mariah, Britney, Christina, Mandy, Jessica: GET OVER THE BLOND-BIMBO THING!!! Not everyone who watches Mtv is a 15-year-old drooling, over hormonal boy. I am tired of seeing yor tummies, and those little pooch tummies that you all have to make you look like you have weight. And to you Mariah, must you make a remix video where you are wearing 80's shorts and flashing your ass every second??? My boobies are bigger, perkier, and they are real!!! get your implants out of my face!!!!!

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear MTV,

I know I'm not longer part of your marketed audience, but I was there at the beginning! I was there when Madonna, Sting, Michael Jackson and Duran Duran were the only ones with videos! Okay, sometimes there are days when I don't surf on over to investigate the latest bimbette, or to see what Carson Daly is wearing. But I am part of that first generation that you touched, you'll always be part of me. So, I feel comfortable writing you my request...it's simple. During this weeks countdown of the Top 100 Videos, could you play the whole video? Yeah, yeah "Videos can be seen in their entirety at 2am EST" I have a job now (which means that I can spend money on your sponsors now) I can't be up all hours just to revel in the glory that is Goin Back to Cali and Hungry Like the Wolf. Help me help you! Help me, help you!

long time watcher first time writer, L

PS Also, maybe you could help me clothe Mariah & Britney despite Omar's plea for skin?

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Lenny Kravitz,

Please repeat after me: I am not the Guess Who.

Thank you,

Allyson

P.S. "American Woman" was a sucky song to begin with.

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Forgot one:

Dear MTV,

What the hell? Since when is "Gonna Make You Sweat" a better video than "Whip It"? Another thing: how about giving us some background on why you choose the video? Yes, I agree that "Criminal" is a great video, but *why* did you choose it? Also, more David Byrne. Thanks!

Your faithful viewer,

Allyson

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Jennifer Lopez,

While I must disagree with above writer who questioned the way you pose and splash around in very shiny silver-backgrounded water, I do have a concern with you deciding to insure your body for $1 billion

While I think your heinie (I will refrain from using the term "rounded, heart-shaped ass) if worth at least $2,500, I believe that your intimacy with Puffy "Daddy" Sean Combs "Daddy" might severely decrease the insurable value of your body.

In short, unless you break it off with him, I don't think Lloyd's of London will give you more than $79.95 for the totality of your (albeit) much-lauded bod.

Think about it, won't you?

Omar

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Keanu,

You are not serious. You are not intense. You are just boring. You are boring to look at and boring to watch. (Only ever liked you in "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure".)

Please fall off the face of the earth.

Thank you.

Dear Backstreet Boys/'NSync/98 Degrees/Youngstown/All Others,

You may also fall off the face of the earth.

Dear Martha Stewart,

Ditto.

Dear Emeril Lagasse,

Ditto. (David Rosengarten could kick your ass using only a sprig of mint, a nice cabernet and both arms tied behind his back.)

I could go on, but I won't. (This post would be waaay too long.)

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear MTV:

You may have received a letter from Laura recently advising that you throw clothes on Mariah and Brittney. I just wanted you to know that Laura works for Whitney Houston and is just trying to ruin both Mariah and Brittney's careers. And I know MTV can't want that. Plus she does crack. I saw it.

By the way, can you bring back Janeane Garofalo, Chris Kattan, Denis Leary and Jon Stewart for more video-bashing? It would be appreciated< p> Oh, and get rid of Road Rules. Seriously, has anyone managed to watch a single episode all the way through? I mean, anybody?

Love ya,
Omar

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear VH1,

What the hell is up with this show The List? It really fucking bugs me. Personally I don't give a shit who Vanilla Ice thinks is the best front man of all time, much less Bud from Married With Children. And if you are going to let the audience vote, at least get some people in there who fucking know about music.

You need an example? Just last night I was watching and the topic was best band of the nineties. (Hosted, I might add, by Shaquille Fucking O'neal, what the fuck is that?) Anyway they mentioned some good bands, but when it came right down to it, the audience chose #3 Outkast, #2 Nirvana, and #1 The Fugees. I don't even know who the hell Outkast is, but they can't spell. Who do you let sit in your audience anyway? All the good bands in the nineties and they come up with Outkast. I give up.

It's my fault anyway, for watching your shitty station.

mis(who obviously really likes to type the word "fuck")

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear, well, pretty much everyone!
I gotta ask. What's up with spelling lately? I mean, "night" as "nite"? "Quick" as "kwik", or "Quik", or "Qwik"? Once upon a time, I'm pretty sure that dictionaries existed for a reason. Not sending you my love...
-Meghan


Dear MTV
You've changed. I used to watch you for my daily dose of mindless, totally insipid videos. Now, however, I can't turn you on without having to watch whiny twenty somethings! What happened to the hilarity of late night Beavis and Butthead? Daria was pretty cool, too, but this Real World and Road Rules and whatever else it is that you play is getting old.
Can't you make MTV2 or something for that stuff?
Thanks.
-Meghan


Dear God
What's up with all this new fangled killing people shit? Hunh? I mean, can't we just go back to this garden of eden everyone's happy as a little duck deal? Okay, okay, so they ate the apple, or whatever it was. But I mean, does that really necessitate that the rest of us have to suffer? Sins of the father and all that, but...
Once upon a time, wasn't this supposed to be a great place? So what's up? Did you make a big booboo or something? I mean, you're God! I didn't think that you were supposed to make mistakes! Not that I'm trying to tell you how to do your job or anything,just that, well, I'd like to know what's going on down here!
Just kind of curious.
-Meghan

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Blink 182,

You guys are so funny. The first time I saw that Boy Band parody video, I fell in love with you. But what's with the nakedness? Don't need that.

Hey Billy Blanks,

I know you are trying to kill me and you're not going to get away with it. Tonight, it's me and you in a one-on-one slapdown.

Dear Year 2000,

If I never hear another word about you, it will be too soon. Please get over yourself.

Love to all, Allison

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Administration: I think James looks damned sexy with his hair spiked up like a flagpole. You violated his rights when you decreed that phallic extension 'immoral'. Leave him alone. Dear Roommate: PLEASE buy your own maxi pads. It would make me very happy to have some left when I need them. Dear Porn: You make me very happy. Sitting alone in my room, late at night, staring at the perfect retouched photos of your models with my hand in my pants, I have had some of the most wonderful orgasms. Please keep filling the world with smut so all us lonely hedonists can feel that pleasure we crave. You keep the crusty old men of the world away from beautiful young virgins. You beat the world bra cup size record time and time again, much to the astonishment of your fans. I could never possibly live without you. Will you marry me? Dear Continental Airlines: You should be taken out in the street and shot. Your only redeeming feature is your submarine sandwiches. And even that doesn't make up for your bussing me from Mexico to Bangor. I hate you. I hope you and all your family for the next seven generations contracts the bubonic plague and dies slowly. Dear Mr. Dressup: You are my hero. How do you make the markers squeak like that? I've always wanted to be able to draw like you. Are you good in bed? Do Casey and Finnigan sleep with you, or have a room of their own? As much fun as it would be to all climb in together, I'd rather have you to myself. Oh! How I miss you on morning television! Mr. Dressup, my love... *sigh* Marry me. Please. Love Meredith Dear Meredith: You're not funny. At all. Shut up and stop writing perverted messages to us!

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

dear retail customers during the christmas season:

contrary to your beliefs, i am not being paid minimum wage to be abused by you. please abuse my managers. thanks.

also, don't look at me like i'm insane when i want to see a driver's license with that check. thanks again.

dear dick vitale:

shut up. you're ugly and duke is a lousy basketball team.

dear mateen cleaves:

buy some new sweaters. you'll spare us all indigestion over your horrid taste.

no love and mail bombs to all of you, aggie

-- Anonymous, December 08, 1999

Dear Talk Soup, Listen to Pamie! I hear this Andy Cobb is one funny mofo. Besides, he has friends in LA that want him to move there but he needs a reason to give up a good job, a girlfriend and all his friends in Austin. You won't just be giving him an opportunity, you might be keeping his friends in LA off of the horse. Love, a concerned third party who is unrelated to the dashing Mr. Cobb

ps- The bit Hal did last night where he pretended to be drunk made me weak. That is not a good thing. It simply drained all of the strength out of me, making me too tired to even yell at the TV. Tom's funny when he's drunk; Hal pretending to be drunk- not funny.

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear Charles Barkley,

Enjoy your politician life now that your career's over. Don't forget to smack Scottie Pippen when you get together to play golf.

Much... um... hell.

Jon

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear Keanu,

You're going to have to ignore those ladies once again.

You see, I watched Bram Stoker's Dracula several times and despite my like of the cast, it was ruined. Why? Because you're as stiff as a board. You should get together with Al Gore for some pointers.

Seriously. Seek help, bro. I can't believe you didn't absorb any of Anthony Hopkin's ability while he was on the set.

Passively caring,

Jon

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear Buddy Lee,

I miss you. Where have you gone, oh, my hero?

Pantless,

Jon

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear Bjork,

You're weird. Strange.

And I mean that in a good way. I still enjoy you. For some reason I think you're cute.

Hey, I know. You could give Keanu some pointers on how to speak. Yeah, that would be good. Would you be a darling? Yes? Smashing.

Love,

Jon

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear Fellow Citizens of Atlanta,

You know that 50 mile stretch of highway between McDonough and Peachtree Corners? Could you please do me a favor and stay off of that stretch between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m., weekdays? That's when I'm trying to get to work, and you have all been getting in my way, so if you could please cease traveling those roads during that time, then I won't have to kill you.

While you are sitting at home, waiting for 8:01 so you can start driving, why don't you practive a few things? May I suggest working on things like using your blinker, and reading signs. S-T-O-P - that means stop. Brake lights on the car in front of you also meant stop, or at least slow down. I don't know how to say it any plainer than that. Y-I-E-L-D - that means stop until no one who has the right of way is coming. You know that screeching sound you always here when you breeze past a yield sign? That's me, smoking my tires because I have had to slam on the brakes to avoid inserting my car into your back seat. The emergency lanes to the right are for EMERGENCIES. They are not travel lanes for you to cruise down during traffic jams because you are better than everyone else waiting through the gridlock. Also, Don't change lanes 80 times for no reason because you think every lane but the one you're in is faster, because they are all the same, and your behavior is what is making the traffic slow in the first place. If, after a few months, you have all mastered these things, I will CONSIDER allowing you back on the road with me again.

Thanks,

Lisa

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear drivers of Toronto:

Please see the above letter addressed to the drivers of Atlanta.

Dear WB:

Please stop making angst-filled shows about two dimensional people. My wife is addicted to them and they all suck.

Dear ABC:

Please broadcast Whose Line Is It Anyway? 7 nights a week, instead of that stinking Regis gives away money to intellectually challenged people show.

Dear ABC censors:

Please stop censoring the actors on the aforementioned WLIIA? program. Sometimes being smutty is funny.

Dear Santa:

I would like the Creemore Springs brewery for Christmas. I've been a really really good boy this year!

Sincerely, Ron Collings

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear drivers everywhere,

Lisa's letter pretty much fits so you BETTER listen.

thanks

alexis

Dear Britney, Jennifer and while you didn't ummm 'perform' last night, this is for you, too Christina,

Ok, let me get this straight....are you singers or dancers? 'Cause it's COMPLETELY obvious to the free world that you can't do both at the same time.

Please pick one.

But when ya get right down to it.....I think only one you can really sing....but that's another story.

thanks ever so much

alexis

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear Omar,

How could you cheapen our tender moment together, with the crack pipe, by sharing it with strangers? I thought it meant something to you, the way you huffed on it looking up at me with those glassy puppy-dog eyes.I thought, I thought... (sniffle,sniffle, sigh) oh the pain! I had a bad feeling, especially after seeing your trampy whore girlfriends tits AGAIN on the Billboard Awards. After all the good times we had in that comdemned house; naming the rats, starting trash can fires, robbing people for money. You're throwing it all away...for that, for that hussy! MEN...UGH!

Heartbroken in PA, L

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear J. Depp,

I know Pamie loves you and I think you're one of my favorite actors, but I could swear I heard a European accent creeping into your voice the othe night on some late night talk show. I know you live in France and all, but really, has it been so long since 21 Jump Street that you're dialect has changed?

Dear American Politics,

Were you always so stupid and pointless? Does anything you do have any correlation to everyday people? I think it's great that now you don't even have to have a campaign, you just have to scare the other candidates away with how much money you've raised. It's at the point now where we would rather see someone in office who's funny or bizarre, so please give us more Jesse Venturas and we'll all start voting again.

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear Volkswagen,

I hate you now. The New Beetle sucks. Your misguided attempt to capitalize on the cult following of the Beetle has only resulted in the near-destruction of VW culture as I have known it for the past fifteen years. You know that people who own Real Beetles play "Punch- Ugly" instead of "Punch-Buggy" when they see the [Gulf-frame-with-the- we-wish-we-were-cool-body] New Beetle? I'd kick the ass of every New Beetle-drivin' rich bitch that I see in Scottsdale, if only my car could catch up to them.

No love,

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear Kenneth Branaugh,

we all know that you love Shakespeare.

You *DON'T* have to play every male lead to prove this to us.

And you don't have to produce every movie made from Shakespearean plays.

Thanks,

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear Talk Soup:

Do not worry. While John was hilarious, you have found a great replacement in Hal. Hal's a funny guy! And he can be funny without having a white spot in his hair!

Dear Keanu:

You rock. Ignore the detractors.

Dear Pamie:

How can you not like Hal?!

Dear Gap, Abercrombie and Fitch, Tommy Hilfiger, FUBU, Stussy, Mossimo, and all that other trendy crap:

You suck. Die already.

Yours, Murphy

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear Laura,

To paraphrase Tina Turner, ordinarily I would be touched by this show of emotion -- should I be fractured by your lack of devotion? Should I? Should I?

I'm sorry to have to say this on Pamie's nice forum, but our crack days our definitely over. I now shop at Old Navy instead of the Sal. Army and last night, I wiggled by Bon Bon for the first time at the Billboard Awards. I even helped Jennifer into her little pasties outfit and kept Christina from getting carded on her way in.

I still think you work for that great cow Whitney Houston and I still vow to destroy your plans to cover up the greatest flesh of our youngest performing generation.

And don't think I'm gonna come crawling back either. Nobody gets me, baby, I'm the wind!

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear Men's Clothing Salesmen,

I used to love you when I was younger and you'd help me shop for my dad, step-dad, or brothers. You were so good at helping me get them something that fit even when I didn't know their size.

Why have you decided to turn against me and let my boyfriend leave the store with pants that hang down below his butt? When he asks you your opinion, don't tell him it looks good. Why would you do that to me? Did I do something to offend you? Was it always just about the money? I always thought it was something more. You know I can't be there every time he needs to buy new clothes so please, help him find the right size or at least sell him a snazzy belt.

Sincerely,

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear Hanes,
Thank You very much for making Big/Tall mans socks that actually fit a big/tall man as opposed to Fruit of the Loom who tricked me. I did not enjoy having to cut the last pair off that I actually spent fifteen minutes getting on just because I thought for sure they wouldn't lie to me like that and that they surely would fit once I got them on. So, thanks.
Big/Tall Lee

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear Santa Claus,

Why did you stop giving me good presents? I remember the great years, like when I got a Lite Brite, and the Barbie Townhouse. I was so happy! I knew when I saw those treasures that I really HAD been a good girl! So, I kept acting the same way, thinking as long as I was good, my presents would always rock.

Then, I started getting things like the Box O' Cotton Undies, and the Christmas sweatshirt with the cat and real bell on it. Let's not even talk about the year I got the Oil Change gift certificate. Once I moved out on my own I started getting things like pots and pans, and tools. I'm not saying I didn't appreciate them, I'm just saying that there are still fun things out there too that shouldn't be overlooked just because I'm not 8 anymore. Suffice it to say, the last few years of "practical" presents have left a little to be desired. I have been good, dammit, and you owe me! Remember that time you couldn't get back up the chimney because your ass was too fat, so I let you out the back door to save you the embarassment of being spotted cheating? Yeah, that's right, that was me.

So now I figure I have waited patiently through enough of your slack years that I can cash in on the big one. I want one of the new BMW Sprt Activity Vehicles. Silver. In the driveway, with a red bow on it. I don't care how you get it here, I don't care if your back hurts from carrying the huge sack of toys, blah blah blah.

If it's not there when I get up on Christmas morning, then Mrs. Claus and I are going to have a little chat about the blond bimbo I saw riding around in your sleigh with you that time. Don't try to tell me she was a present for someone either, because she was in the front seat with you, not in the back with the gifts. Don't disappoint me this year Santa, I really don't want to have to blackmail your ass. My alarm clock will be set for 7:00 a.m.

Happy Holidays!

Lisa

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear Charles,

I'll miss you. You gave great interview, but don't be offended if I don't support you on the republican ticket. However, I am happy that I don't have to see you heft up another 3 pointer.

your friend,

E

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear Eyes,

Thanks a pantsload. What's the deal with you guys? I mean, really. Why do I even bother? It wasn't even two years ago that you were in perfect working condition, and now this betrayal! Don't give me the bullshit line, "You're getting older". Fuck that! I'm only 22! And don't even go there and say it has anything to do with the fact that I sit in front of a computer screen for 8 to 10 hours a day. My employers would never put me in the sort of position that might cause me physical harm!

Why, it was only 12 months ago that I went to the eyedoctor and *begged* for glasses, just so I could spare your lazy asses. I figured that if I got them now, you would be happy and do your job, and I wouldn't be blind as a bat by the time I turned 30. I did this all for you. And look what I get in return! Now I have to wear these friggin glasses ALL DAY because you're too damn "tired" to focus on anything without assistance.

I even went out and bought contacts for you! But no, you complained about that. You didn't want anything touching you, you said. You didn't like the way they felt, you said. "We'll be fine with the glasses." Dammit.

It wasn't good enough for you to have it easy while at work, oh no, you need me to wear them while driving and at the movies . . . everywhere! Do you have any idea how obnoxious it is to be trying to eat and have these damn glasses fog up every time I lean over my plate? You're spoiled, that's what it is. I ought to throw away the contacts and the glasses and let you suffer for being so bratty! Fuckers.

Annoyed, :)e

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear Drivers in Texas,

The left lane is the fast lane.

I'm glad we had this talk.

E

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear Erics and Ericas of the world,

Why is it that we all have to sign EVERYTHING with "E". I mean, it's not like our names are all that long. Are we just lazy? I dunno. I'm not trying to criticize, but it's weird and ALL of us do it.

In Sisterhood,

:)e

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear Washington CitySearch nee Sidewalk Head Honchos,

Remember before the merger when people could navigate your site without hiring a caravan of pygmies? When your site was only mind numbingly slow, and not pull out your incisors while you wait slow?

When you could actually find useful reviews of restaurants, movies and shows, and not the inane map-it icon that replaced them? What happened to those reviews? Did the movers put them in the box marked stuff too useful to survive the merger? You know the one, its where you put all your hardworking local writers. Did they get shipped to the San Fran citysearch nee sidewalk accidentally?

And those formerly useful search engines that generated something other than revenue for ticketmaster? Like I really need help finding more ticketmaster events.

Its over citysearch. You are no longer useful to me. And dont try any of your slick new marketing spam. That will only make things worse. You just unmerge yourselves and maybe I'll think about dropping by.

Daniel

P.S. Washington DC is not on the west coast.

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

I agree with Erica. you guys are frickin' lazy.

o.

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear David Letterman: Many years ago I used to stay up late to watch you. Your show was edgy and full of originality and attitude and often hilarious. But over the years you've lost it. Most of the contrived "bits" that you do now are overly safe and formulaic -- the kind of stuff your old show would often try to subvert. Did the whole rift with NBC and being passed over for the host of the Tonight Show make you so bitter and dejected? Where's the irreverence, man? I hope you find it soon. Maybe you should start dating a hot college chick - heck, it worked for Seinfeld.

Dear Craig Kilborn: It's obvious you inked a deal with the devil. Your show is full of more screeching crashes than a fog-shrouded interstate.

Dear Keanu: Ditto to the above posts about avoiding roles with Southern accents. Oh, and don't use the word "whoa". In "The Matrix", when Lawrence Fishburn was teaching you how to jump from one rooftop to another, you said "whoa" just like in "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure" and it ruined the whole movie for me.

Courtney Love: Find a real singer for your band, honey. Monotone screaming is good for maybe a couple songs, but not for an entire CD. And cut back on the cigs -- your interview voice is already starting to sound like an elderly Lucille Ball.

Pamie: Thanks for providing space for random rantings. Your journal is a highlight of my day! You make me laugh all the time and you made me cry (once). If I had the extra dough, I'd buy you that digital camera you want from Amazon.com so I could see your beaming mug more often on Squishy. Eric is a lucky boy. bye- JD

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear Max Martin,

Please stop writing songs fro Britney Spears. It'll save us all a big headache... and we'll get a laugh out of watching her try to write songs herself.

Thanks, Steph

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear Squaresoft:

I am writing to you out of sheer desperation. You see, you created a prduct called Final Fantasy. My friend and I decided to give your FF VII a try last year. We don't normally play role playing games.

But you are evil. You put in plots and the full spectrum of human emotions in it. You had to put in wonderful cinemas with amazing orchestral sounds to tug at our heartstrings. You soaked up our spare time without ample warning.

And then that wasn't enough. You made the next game in the series. Now my friend and I have to let in these new characters back into our lives. You are evil, my friends. We now make treks to gather together and offer brain sacrifices to the game.

*sigh*

You're so wonderful.

Happily gaming,

Jon

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear Childhood, Where have you gone? Already 23 and missing those days of carefree abandonement and the ability to sing silly songs at the top of my lungs without worrying that people will think that I am mental. We used to go to sleepovers and play "Makeover". We couldn't wait until Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer came on every year. We used to run and actually like it. I miss you.---Amy

Dear Ex-Friend Hilary, Just wanted you to know that we now refer to you as Bruce because we can't stand to even say your name. You'd make a pretty Bruce, I guess. What you did is unforgivable and I truly hope that you are finding the help that you need. You hurt many people---the people who really believed in you. However, I want to thank you for making me a stronger person. No longer am I the doormat that I used to be. And, no matter what you tell yourself, I am a genuinely nice person---yes, they actually exist. If only you would believe in them. good luck--Amy

Dear Katy(dulcinea22), I am sorry that I haven't written to you. I am truly happy to hear that you are having a blast at school. I am soooo jealous! You are going to have a great 4 years. PS I miss the midnight trips to WalMart, too. Rupert!!!! Love, Amy

-- Anonymous, December 09, 1999

Dear David,

So you got married, big boy. Congratu-fuckin'-lations. Does that mean that you have to stop talking to everyone without a penis? Does your wife beat you, David? There are places for battered men, you know. Well, maybe there's not but you could start one and make lots of money for being the founder of the National Center for Abused and Exploited Men. That would be cool. Anyway, yeah - I think you should break away from the chains that hold you down - is that a song? It sounds like one. Maybe it is.

Mia

Dear Garth,

This is probably the 18th "you've-changed" letter you've gotten from us, but so what? I hate Chris Gaines. He sucks. I hate his wig and his goatee and his music. It's hell on earth. Not good. This was your dumbest move yet, Garth. Offering a free live concert to Wal-Mart stores around the country was kinda stupid, but you've hit an all time low with this one.

Mia

Dear Fred Durst,

Is it really true you banged Carmen Electra? You dirty whore. I'll bet you have diseases now. She knocked boots with DENNIS RODMAN, Fred! DENNIS RODMAN!!! The man is a walking STD. I am so pissed now, Fred. I thought I was gonna be your first. But no, you went for Electra (which is, by the way, not really her last name) because of her big boobies and her fake tan. You're such a shallow bastard. This sucks. I am so unhappy.

Mia

Dear Rupert Everett,

Why are you gay? Why are you so beautifully, chiseled-ly perfect and GAY!? WHY!? It's not fair, Rupert. Life isn't fair.

Mia

Dear Brittney,

My sister Erin wants to look just like you. Isn't that neat? Erin's fucked up in the head.

Mia

-- Anonymous, December 10, 1999

Dear Me,

Don't put your last name on the Internet, you dumb fuck.

Mia

-- Anonymous, December 10, 1999

Dear Eartha Kitt

You are the scariest woman alive. You're old and wrinkly and all scary and shit - you shouldn't be making any growly noises in front of a camera either - it's weird and eerie and I don't like it at all.

Mia

-- Anonymous, December 10, 1999

Dear Coca-Cola, What have Idone to make you so angry? We used to get along so well. I'd get out of class, or work, and by a nice big chilled bottle and srink it all the way home. Or pick on up at Sheetz, or 7-11 on road trips, or even as an accompanyment to fast food. But now it's all gone, everytime Idrink you I get a sick tummy! Why oh why? Is it because of all the green tea, sobe and water I'd been drinking? Or because sometimes when I went to my sister's or to do laundry in the basement I would have a pepsi instead of you? Well, Pepsi makes me sick too, Coke, and so does sprite, and Cherry coke, and root beer, and I just don't know! I'm sorry, for whatever it is I've done. Take me back, please! Love Katy

-- Anonymous, December 10, 1999

Dear ER,

One time when I was doing a story about hospitals and I got to go to a real emergency room, I marveled and thought "wow, just like on 'ER.' "< p> Now, when I go to a college dorm and see everybody dating everybody else and whining and running around like little ants over little imagined dramas, I'll say, "wow, just like 'ER.' "

When did you become this tired, banal show? And when did Anthony Edward's character become so... normal? He used to be this great little underdog who made puppy eyes at the (not even that amazingly attractive) Sherry Stringfield! Now he gets whoever he wants, including frizzy headed Limey hotties!

George Clooney and Juliana Marguiles and Gloria Reuben (who had two expressions: "pained," and "hopeful, but pained") are leaving at just the right time. I mean, Kelly Martin? She wasn't even the best thing about "Life Goes On!" What the fuck?

I guess it's okay because you know Noah Wylie's gonna ride that gravy train until the cows get intubated. And Eriq La Salle is all like "hey, at least they give me screen time now."

I would ask you to change back to the way things were, but I'm not watching anymore anyway, so do what you like.

Got no loves for ya,
Omar

P.S. Yes, I will probably watch if George Clooney comes back and gets married to Nurse Hathaway. But it will only be to see his suave "so long suckers!" look as he strolls down the aisle.

-- Anonymous, December 10, 1999

Dear Kenneth Branagh,

Don't listen to Emily. Shakespeare is wonderful.

But "Celebrity?" And "Wild Wild West?"

Were you thinking? Just stick to Shakespeare - it's what you're good at.

But maybe just for once you could let someone ELSE play the male lead. I hate to say it, but Mel really was a better Hamlet.

Dear Keanu Reeves,

Maybe you should have your German voice do your American movies as well. Your German voice is sexy. Your real voice just sucks.

Dear Northwest Airlines,

Y'know what they said about the Minneapolis - Baltimore flight? Ditto about Boston-Amsterdam and Amsterdam-Boston. Transatlantic flights suck enough without leaving half an hour late. Is it too much to ask that I don't have to get stuck at the freakin' gate because the door won't shut? That worries me. Can you just make sure all the doors shut? That would be great. It doesn't seem like too much to ask - to fly planes with doors that shut. I know, I work at an airport with a whole slew of planes - whose doors ALL shut.

Dear Jet Fuel,

Do you have to stink so much? And could you stop staining my pants?

Dear Brittney Spears,

Consider putting on real clothes. And shut up.

Dear Johnny Depp,

Normally I would go to any film to see you, because you're YOU. But Sleepy Hollow? May I ask why? I don't think I can do it this time - I mean, Christina Ricci? I know you didn't cast the movie - but I just can't do it this time.

Dear The World Is Not Enough,

Could you re-write the film using a staff of humans instead of spider monkeys? Thanks.

Love,

Sunny

-- Anonymous, December 10, 1999

Dear San Francisco TCI, or AT&T cable, or whatever your name is this week,

Why did you expand the number of channels and move all my favorite channels to different numbers and ~still~ not manage to give us Comedy Central all day? Is that too much to ask? Why why why? Why do you have informercials on for half the day? They show programming ALL DAY on Comedy Central! i had to miss So I Murdered an Axe Murderer so that you could show something that slices and dices.

i hate you.

-M

P.S. And while we're at it, why don't we get the Cartoon Network?

-- Anonymous, December 10, 1999

Dear Prince [or the Artist, or whatever the fuck you're going by now],

No.

You cannot come back.

You sucked before, you suck worse now. I didn't know what was possible, but, hey, you've always been different.

Stay away. Stay far, far away. "When Doves Cry" still scares me.

Not a whole lot of love, Beth

-- Anonymous, December 10, 1999

Dear Janitorial Staff,

Is it too much to ask for the ladies room on the 13th floor to be fully stocked with toilet paper? I've gotten used to having to share one roll between 5 stalls by the time 3pm rolls around, but the bathroom was *completely empty* by 11am today. I am certain that using paper towels is not the healthiest thing, nor is it very comfortable on such delicate tissue.

Thank you very much.

Dear Female Denizens of the 13th Floor, Y'all are a bunch of disgusting pigs. I got used to some pretty disgusting goings-on in dorm bathrooms, but we're supposed to be grown-ups, ladies. I find it hard to believe that your mom never taught you to wash your hands when you leave the toilet. Even if you don't want to, or don't like to, or whatever-- can't you just run your hands under the faucet and *pretend* to wash your hands? Especially when there's someone else in the bathroom who sees you walk out of the stall and pass right by the sinks. It's disgusting. You want to know why I wear sweaters with the sleeves over my hands? It's so I don't have to touch the door handles or anything in the bathroom after you walk out of the stall and don't wash your hands.

Also, must your spray your perfume in the bathroom? I understand you probably have a hot date tonight, but not all of us want to walk out of the bathroom smelling like a $10 hooker. Thanks.

Pissed off (literally, not figuratively), :)e

-- Anonymous, December 10, 1999

Dear Woody Allen,

You are a child molester. I used to love your movies but now when I see "Hannah and Her Sisters" or "A Mid Summer's Night Sex Comedy" on cable, I turn it off and think "That's the movie made by that child molesting freak". You married a girl who used to think of you as a father, you were seen by a baby sitter sexually assaulting a 4 year old who may have not been your natural child, but she did call you Daddy. If there is a hell I hope the devil is reserving a special place for you and all the pathetic sell outs who have overlooked the fact that you like little girls and appear in your movies. Rot in hell you sick piece of dog shit.

Ellin

P.S. Mia Farrow is a better person at her worst, than you could ever dream of being at your best.

-- Anonymous, December 10, 1999

Dear Prince:

Please keep trying. I just *know* you can do it again. It's not that you keep trying that's making me sad.

The thing is, when you come up empty, don't release it anyway. Just keep trying. There's no need to embarass yourself.

What? You need to eat? So do I. You don't see me releasing crap albums. Stop it.

thank you, your long time fan who is currently finding it necessary to hold his nose, Joe.

-- Anonymous, December 10, 1999

Dear MTV,

Why did you stop playing Sifl & Olly? Did you think maybe if you stopped, you could squeeze in more episodes of Road Rules and the Real World? Or are you hellbent on eliminating anything good from your daily programming?

Love, Laura

-- Anonymous, December 10, 1999

Dear Dr. Laura:

I hear you and your son were in a store and saw a dirty magazine. You went on the air and tore the hell out of the store owner for twenty minutes, calling him names and such. The guy said he didn't know anything about the magazine, and that he didn't even carry it, just look at the invoices.

So you sued him for slander, because by trying to defend his reputation and his business he was calling you a liar. You asked for one million in damages.

I hear the case was brought into court and the judge dismissed it because it was stupid. And I hear that the store owner is now hitting you with a countersuit for FOUR million dollars.

I hope you pay the money, because you are officially a bad person.

xoxooxox, Derek

-- Anonymous, December 10, 1999

Dear MTV,

For once I agree with Laura. Bring back Sifl and Olly.

o.

-- Anonymous, December 10, 1999

Dear CD Player,

Why have you stopped working? Since I got you two years you were a wonderful piece of machinery, even playing my Monkee's CDs 30 times in a row. But now...

Now you don't work correctly. Now I have to play the CD twice before you will start working, and even then its not always enough. Why? What did I do? Was it all the disco?

If it was the disco, I've changed! Gone for awhile are _Saturday Night Fever_ and _Pure Disco II_ and now I'm playing good stuff like Beck, and Fleetwood Mac, and Blondie.

Please start working agin!

Faithfully yours,

Allyson

-- Anonymous, December 10, 1999

Dear Internet:

Oh man, I don't even know where to start.

Remember when I first found you? Remember when I was shocked - SHOCKED, I say! - when I discovered e-mail? I mean, sure I had been running around with those BBS floozies, but you were the real deal, weren't you? You were NEATO.

And the WEB! Don't even get me STARTED! You suddenly - I mean, wow, this was some amazing stuff! The places you took me - Glassdog, Water, the Fray - OI! It makes my head spin!

But I guess that wasn't enough for you, was it? Because you let sleazos with money into your bed, didn't you? Oh, sure - the undying love and devotion of hundreds of thousands of smart users wasn't enough, was it? NOOOOOOOO! You had to get in bed with CORPORATE FUCKING AMERICA!!!

NOW look at it. Any shithead with a neuron and $70 for a domain name is trying to get rich on overvalued stock. The most successful marketplace on the 'Net STILL isn't making money. AOL is STILL the biggest ISP in the world. Meanwhile, you have all these shitheads who don't know any better thinking this is "just like TV" and going to CNN.com and ABCNEWS.com and etc. etc. etc.

Man, it's like I want to leave, but I know you wouldn't care either way. Did you ever care?

I want your shit out in the morning or I'm calling the cops.

-- Anonymous, December 11, 1999

Dear God:

Next time, consult with me first, before you send me one of those "lessons", okay? I have things to do, things that take some time, and all these "life-lessons" you toss in my way are slowing me down.

And while we're at it, can you tell me how the kids managed to suddenly be on the brink of teenage hood? Even the 7 year old? Slow them down will ya!

Andrea

Dear In-laws: Your sons are grown men, the youngest is almost 30. Stop blaming the rest of the world for their problems. THey have to pay their bills just like everyone else. And if you don't like their wives & girlfriends so much that you say nasty things about them behind their back, and get MAD when they find out, well, don't be two faced and all nice-nice when they bring a new girl home. Because then we just think you, you know, like us or something. And if two of your sons have a fight over something stupid, just STAY OUT OF IT! Even if one calls you up saying "But he started it!"

Andrea, again.

Dear Hollywood; Pamie needs to have her own show. But don't make her too big a star, because then she'll forget us. :-) And don't hire a stylist for her, she's endearing just as she is.

Me.

-- Anonymous, December 11, 1999

Dear Dolly Parton, Will you be my mom? I love you. jeff

Dear Della Reese, You give me nightmares. jeff

-- Anonymous, December 11, 1999

dear women of the world,

did ya read what erica wrote? huh? did ya?! then do it you nasty bitches! wash your f-in hands, that is the most nasty-est thing ever! also, am i the only one in the world who leans? i know you're supposed to squat, but cant you put it in the toilet? huh? i do not want to lean on your pee, thats nasty. also, if theres a line, say something when you're coming out! i dont want to walk in and cut, dammit! im not rude like that.

not sincerly,

katie

dear retail customers,

did you read the blip above about not abusing us? yeah? well DONT DO IT YOU SELFISH PRICKS!!!!!!!!!! i do have needs too, if i ask how you're doing and if you need help, its cuz its MY JOB! not because i have nothing better to do. also, pick up after yourselves, i know you wouldnt be acting like that at your own house. its annoying, if you pull something down and cant put it back up, tell me! i'll do it you lazy bastards!

fuck you,

katie

dear nice lady from today,

thank you for being nice, thank you for saying thank you, thank you for letting me show you how our prices are marked.

lylas!

katie

-- Anonymous, December 11, 1999

Dearest sister-in-law, Why do you have to be such a coniving, two-faced bitch? Why my brother married you is beyond me. Taking my brothers kids and leaving the state was such a bad move. I just want you to know that i am going to devote much of my time to making your life as miserable as possible. And one more thing. Fuck Yoooou. Now i have to fly down to N.C. i hate flying. You are such a bitch. Rot-in-hell-you-whore.... E.

-- Anonymous, December 11, 1999

Dear Government:

Please stop telling me what is good/bad for me. I managed to get dressed all by myself today, so I may be capable of more mature decisions.

Dear McDonalds:

Please stop insulting my intelligence with your cutesy-wootesy, lovey- dovey commercials. The "best bacon" does not help my nausea, and I will continue to boycott you until your commercials are tolerable. Burger King isn't too far away.

Taco Bell:

I don't want to hear an ear-splitting ad about your cock-sucking dog when I'm already there to order through your drive-thru. If your food didn't have drugs to make it addictive, I would boycott you too, and live a healthier life. Then maybe I'd still have a gallbladder.

Nissan:

I love you! Your Maxima is the only thing that hasn't let me down! I even like your commercials. Respectfully, and Faithfully Yours, Katherine Anne

-- Anonymous, December 12, 1999

Dear X-Files,

Don't go.

I know. I know. Shhh. Its okay. I know its time.

But please, let Mulder and Scully do it. I know they kissed and that was sweet but c'mon. Would an open mouth tonguer be all that bad? And then some dirty hot sex? They are saving the world, you know.

All my love and obsession, jess

Dear David E Kelley,

Has Ally started being nice to the service industry characters yet? I stopped watching the show after i saw her flip out on yet another waiter/waittress/other minimum-wage-probably-not-making-poverty-level-income character. Oops! Did i interrupt you during another Billy/which-female-should- i-kiss-next moment? Sorry! Go ahead and rip into me. I live for it.

Much annoyance, jess

Dear 26,

You were weird. jess

Dear 27,

Please be more productive than 26. thanks. jess

-- Anonymous, December 12, 1999

Dear Grammar;

I liked you better when people used you properly and I didn't have to go running around correcting everyone like a second grade school teacher. It takes a lot of time, you know.

H.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 1999

Dear Universe,

You started out so simple: Terra in the center with a few rotating concentric spheres that held the wanderers, Sol, Luna, and the pretty twinkly things. It could have stayed that way, but no, you had to make things increasingly more complex...

You then moved on and put that damned ball of nuclear fury at the center of yourself. Terra wasn't good enough, no! Instead we had to develop this love-hate relationship with an overblown furnace that you told us was much bigger and much farther away than we had previously been lead to believe.

But you didn't stop there. YOU KEPT LYING TO US! You invented this new story that all those little dinky points of light in the night sky were stars like Sol, just very far away. I mean, COME ON! What kind of bullshit is that?! What a raw deal. At first you said we lived at the center of things and now we find out that we are in the fucking BOONIES!!! Talk about false advertising.

And you kept getting BIGGER and BIGGER. Enough was enough, but NOOOOO! You tell us next that you aren't really a cozy island of a few hundred billion stars. Nope. Instead you pull back the curtain to reveal that those fuzzy little blobs in our telescopes (oh yeah! we're watching' you, you bastard!) are little islands of stars, just like the one we live in and that you have no center and that you are expanding and that there are more of these galaxies than there are stars in a hundred Milky Ways!!! YOU SUCK! How are we ever supposed to explore you if it takes 20 BILLION YEARS traveling at your imposed speed limit (another point of contention which I'll save for another letter) just to go HALFWAY?!

Universe, when does it stop? Yesterday you said you were expanding and today you said that the expansion is decelerating but that there isn't enough mass in you to cause it to do that gravitationally so that must mean there is another energy density at work that you didn't let us know about. Man, NONE of this was in the lease.

If my civilization falls prey to a gamma ray burst in my galaxy you will hear from my attorney you sadistic freak.

Sincerely, Jon Wiley

-- Anonymous, December 13, 1999

dear Billy Corgan (smashing pumpkins), i liked you a lot better before you shaved your head and went crazy.

love, matt

-- Anonymous, December 13, 1999

dear minnesotans,

i'll stop making fun of your accents if you'll just put an "us" or a "me" on the end of "want to come with?"

i promise.

love,

aggie

-- Anonymous, December 13, 1999

Dear Hockey Players,

You guys really sounds pathetic these days. How come during an interview you always speak about your teammates with those little knicknames. "Oh, Petey's been out for a while, eh, but he's coming back soon. Patty and Jimmy have really taken up the slack lately." I mean, eeeew. You sound like a bunch of Jr. Highschool girls. You're hockey players for godssake. There's nothing like seeing a 6'3" hulk-of-a-man with a black eye, eight stitches in his lip and sweaty mangled hair talking about Timmy and Mikey. Knock it off!

Yours Forever, Darry

-- Anonymous, December 13, 1999

Dear Men, I liked you better when you were boys. By this, I mean, when you're young, you're up front. You pull our hair, tell us we have cooties, we know you like us. But about the same time those sexual feelings kick in, you become very hard (no pun intended) to understand. For instance, I ran into this guy I went to high school with not too long ago. According to my sister, his face lit up when he saw me. Flirting/catching up commenced. He hugged me, great big bear hugs not once, not twice, but three times. The last great big bear hug being given after I gave him my number. Yet he didn't call. What's up with that? Men, I love you, but I don't understand you. Mr. I Give Great Big Bear Hugs, call me up, tell me I've got cooties, and I'll be a very happy woman. Anybody else feel the way I do? Oh, another one...Adam Duritz, what happened? When I saw you in concert (best concert ever, the Recovering The Satelites tour they did with The Wallflowers), you were so hot! You're one of the few men who look better with facial hair (in my opinion). Grow back the goatee, man! And for you Christina and Britney bashers, check them out from the MMC days...they were both unbelievable little dorks. As was Justin from NSYNC. Ooh, for him, dude, please find a hair color and stick with it. One hair color at a time please. For JC, you're the one ex- Mouse that hasn't changed, thanks for that. Keri, never liked you, never will, shouldn't have cut the hair, babe. And, as for that comment about how you hope you're a good role model for girls because you're not stick thin...you're a size freakin' six! By that moronic comment, you just perpetuate the "Size Two Is Fat" ridiculousness. And, last but not least, Tony...come on, Lisa and I were both in love with you. We thought you were so much better than her.

-- Anonymous, December 13, 1999

Dear Final Exams, You are the devil. You really fucking make me want to jump out of the window. I do well throughout the semester. I think, "Yeah, I'm going to get accepted into the business school. I'm good." Then, I have to take these fuckin' exams where I am forced to regurgitate all this shit I learned 15 weeks ago. Do you realize how traumatizing this is? Do you realize how much shit college students go through in 15 weeks-especially freshmen?! I don't think it's too much to ask for you to be banned. Alayna

Dear AOL Instant Messenger,

-- Anonymous, December 14, 1999

Dear AOL Instant Messenger, I have so many mixed feelings about you. I mean, you allow me to talk to people far away for free. Things don't get much better than free. But, dammit IM, you distract me. I'm trying to study, and I see the little yellow guy hold up the little grey thing (I have no idea what it is) and I get all excited. Who could it be? Could it be HIM? My heart pounds and I click the little yellow guy. Oh, wait! It wasn't him. It was some girl who lives on my floor and logs on and off every 12 minutes. I guess what I'm asking is you make him message me. Please. That would be quite a novel invention. All right. Maybe I'm nuts, and I have more problems thatn AOL IM. But, please, take this into consideration. All of my love, Alayna

-- Anonymous, December 14, 1999

Dear Ricky Martin,

What gives?

Your 15 minutes of fame is up. You should be paying overdue fees, in fact. I saw that MTV was promoting another video by you. It's crap, of course. So, what's up with that? You think just because other music artists are sampling Vanilla Ice or Snow's Informer that you get new life? Think again, buddy.

Take your bippy and shove it,

Jon

-- Anonymous, December 15, 1999

Dear David Fincher,

you make me sick. And so do Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Kevin Spacey and Gwyneth Paltrow, the fearsome 'Seven' foursome! How DARE you presume that such a predictable orgy of gory violence is a work of art, like the carefully crafted 'Silence of the Lambs'? I'll never watch any of your movies again, you demented sickos!

Get Lost!

Slim Chance

-- Anonymous, December 16, 1999

Dear X-Files, I know you are ending and I know that it's time. I also know all about those people who want Mulder and Scully to "do it" -- but please, don't. I am as much a romantic as the next (probably more) but don't make me think that just because two poeple are really close and have shared a lot together means that they have to "do it." People can be really good friends and not have to fuck, ok? Thanks. Respectfully, Lindsay PS Even if no one else did, *I* know that it was a Friend Kiss on that New Year's episode. I appreciated it and hope to see more in the future.

-- Anonymous, December 16, 1999

DEAR PARENTS OF IN-COMING FRESHMEN(WHO WANT TO LIVE ON-CAMPUS): you kids are growing up, so stop calling me because little billy lost his contract or precious sue can't possibly live without her bestest friend in the whole world. and NO, a turtle can't live in the dorm with you, despite your great little essay on turtles. and i don't care if your daughter's new roommate listens to heavy metal and has a dragon poster (the one with the piercing eyes) that's scaring her so bad you have to stay in a motel room until she gets a room change.

DEAR RUSS MEYER: man, i love your films, but after watching "UP" last night, dude- what's the deal with nazis and kinky sex and inexplicible nekkid women humping trees? i was confused more often than turned on. HEY- are you even still ALIVE?

DEAR GRANDPA DAN: i really hope your heart attack before my wedding wasn't too damaging. sorry you had to stay in houston for a week. that sucks.

DEAR BIG UNIVERSITY IN THE MIDDLE OF TEXAS: please pay me more. please.

sincerely yours,

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

dear cute boy who i had a crush on:

is it necessary to completely humiliate me? i mean, you haven't hurt my feelings enough already? i KNOW you're in love with your best friend, so quit rubbing it in my face, intentionally or un.

and return the god damned book i loaned you, you butthead.

cheers, aggie

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

dear chumbawumba,

oh.......nevermind.

-nerfy

-- Anonymous, January 06, 2000

Dear hair,

I know that once you were long and straight and beautiful, and it was my mistake to cut you off, then torture you for over a decade with perms and coloring and more cuts. But now, it's been over a year. No perm, only a wee bit o' color, and you've gone wavy on me. Not even beautiful renaissance-cascading wavy, but gotta blow dry or it looks messy-wavy.

Hair, please forgive me and go back to being long and straight and beautiful.

forever yours, Pamela

p.s. At least you've spared me from split ends.

-- Anonymous, January 06, 2000

Dear People Who Make Signs,

Learn how to use quotation marks judiciously! Signs that read

EMPLOYEES MUST "WASH" THEIR HANDS and OUR FRUIT IS "FRESH"

frighten me!

Take a grammar lesson and quit making yourselves look like such tools.

Thanks, Stace

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000

Dear Billy Corgan,

You look fine with a shaved head.

Dear Kelly, my bff,

I like you the way you are!

Dear Vladimir Putin,

You'd better do Russia justice. Or else.

Hugs and kisses...

-- Anonymous, January 11, 2000

Dear Peter,

I liked it better when you didn't say you loved me, but really did. This whole saying it and being full of shit thing isn't really you, and it sure the fuck isn't me.

Thankyou. This has been my passive aggressive post that he will never read. Thanks.

-- Anonymous, February 09, 2000

Dear Channel Four,

Your station logo says WB. Your website says WB. Your ads in the newspaper say WB. Would it be a real stretch for you to actually play the WB programming?? I realize that we like basketball in the midwest and all, but choose! CHOOSE one!! WB or Basketball! Not both!!

Sincerely,
Saundra

-- Anonymous, February 12, 2000

Dear Kenny (and any guys considering doing this):

If you didn't want to go out with me, you should have said it was because you were interested in someone else. Instead you lied, and said, "I'm not over my last relationship yet". Then you kept flirting; leading me on, keeping me around in case you couldn't get the other girl. Then the nasty fat daughter of your boss who has NO personality goes out with you, and you can't even come talk to me when she's there. In my opinion that makes you as gutless as a Honda Prelude, and you KNOW what I think of those.

-- Anonymous, February 16, 2000

Dear Sicky Bug,

Thanks so much for leaving Steve alone when I wrote you previously. Even though I did have to write twice. I appreciate the fact that you stayed out of my apartment. I guess I failed to be specific enough, but I didn't want you in my office either. Thanks so much for infecting my boss, my best friend and now me.

I know you only did this to get revenge because I told you Steve didn't want you, he only wanted me. Now here I sit, the only one in the department today, with a stuffy head and a fatigued body and painful eyes. I hope you're happy now. I hope you die a quick but painful death. Soon.

Joy

-- Anonymous, February 16, 2000

Dear Keanu,

Please do not accept roles where you speak. But if you do, make sure they're the sort of roles where 'dude' and 'whoa' could/should be part of your character's dialogue. And for the love of all that's holy, don't ever try to fake an accent. Bill & Ted worked for you, and so did Point Break and The Matrix. Dracula and Devil's Advocate did not.

Loree

Dear Kevin Costner,

See what I said to Keanu about accents? The same applies to you.

Loree

Dear SUV owners,

If you can't define what SUV stands for, if the thought of taking your shiny new Expedition or Grand Cherokee Limited or Escalade off pavement makes you cringe because it'll get dirty, if you don't know how to handle four wheel drive, if you think said four wheel drive means you can still drive highway speeds during an ice storm, or if you've bought a so-called 'luxury' SUV, die. Die now. Die painfully. And don't take anyone with you when you do it. Cliffs and telephone poles are a good choice.

Thinking soccer moms should go back to Volvo station wagons, Loree

Dear cellphone owners,

If you must talk on your phone, fine. But turn it off when you're in a movie theater. If you must leave it on because you're on call at the hospital awaiting an organ transplant or the birth of your child, that's fine. But if it rings, ANSWER IT OUTSIDE THE THEATER. Nobody else wants to hear your conversation, you idiot. If I can work in the cellular industry and still remember my courtesy, so can you.

You are not allowed to talk on your cellphone while driving, unless you're getting directions or telling them to hold on while you pull over. If you don't, don't act surprised when I lay on my horn and flip you off because you're drifting over into my lane or not noticing that the light changed two minutes ago or just generally being an ass. If I could kill you and not go to prison, I would.

Go to hell, Loree

People of Seattle,

Why, oh why, do you forget how to drive in the rain? I don't understand. It rains all the time here, especially between October and April. With that much rain, you should be able to cope with it. But what I truly don't understand is why you forget how to drive *again* when the sun comes out.

People confuse me, Loree

-- Anonymous, March 02, 2000

Dear boy who I can't remember what you looked like because no one told me the 'Shark Attack' had so much 51\50 rum in it:

I am sorry that I hit you. I'm REALLY sorry I don't remember hitting you. You shouldn't have called my friend what you did. And we all agree that running to the bouncer afterwards is really pussy. We hope that your friends are still teasing you.

Love, Moe

Dear Bouncer at Sharkeez,

Thank you for letting me back in the next night. You are truely a big man. No pun intended.

-Moe

-- Anonymous, March 17, 2000

Dear Keanu,

Remember No Way Out, the movie that made Kevin Costner look like an actor because he never had any line longer than three words (except for the Russian bit at the end, oops spoiler)? All he had to do was hang around looking roguish and/or sick to his stomach?

Go get someone to write you one like that.

Dear Tony Blair,

Thank you for making my election year choices look good.

Dear Joss Whedon,

I don't think any of the other 127 posters have written to you yet, and that kind of says it all.

BTVS has lost it. The authority figures are out of the picture - no more Buffy's mom, no more Principal Snyder, and Giles is going through some kind of second adolescence - so Buffy doesn't have to deal with role-juggling tension as much anymore, and that was a really important part of the show. You gave the gang such a wide range of sociosexual experience in high school that there wasn't much left for them to learn when they got to college. The West Wing is actually a more realistic view of adolescence than Buffy right now. I am not going to still be watching when Oz and Willow go to work for Microsoft, Xander gets involved with a prostitute, and Buffy decides to have a demon child with Giles, which should be pretty soon as you're obviously running out of ideas. In fact, I'm already not watching.

You have a chance to redeem yourself with Angel. Unlike the rest of the audience, I'm not crying for Doyle, but you need to introduce a strong counterweight, the character Doyle could have been. Wesley is too much like Angel. Try someone like Oz, or Harvey on Nash Bridges - a lightweight character who is very clearly not-Angel. Don't be afraid to apply peroxide to make it easier for us to tell the difference.

HTH.

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2000

Dear Jennifer Lopez,

We got it! Your big butt, perky boobs, and flat stomach make you a hottie! Now please wear a real dress instead of a robe that's not even closed!

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

Dear Detroit Red Wings:
Come on. I know Kocur is out, and he can't do all the ass-kicking around there anymore. It's no excuse. You let St. Louis get to the top of the division. That's just not right. You need to go kick the Stars around for a while, just to prove a point. Yeah. Colorado too. Bastards.

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

hey donna martin- dude, david is gonna hook up with you after that skank od's on her own ego, so stop being so damn GLOOMY every frickin' episode! it's the last of the last season, and i want so goddamn SMILING, okay? (sorry you're still the ugliest girl, though.)

AND to the writer (it was a woman) who wrote last night's 90210 episode: LSD does NOT make you pass out, forget you had sex, and get a wake up refreshed. if this was a "don't do drugs" episode, then you should have CALLED me and we could have talked about the time i ate a laced brownie (this was, like 2 months ago) and spent all night, a WEDNESDAY, tripping balls and puking my guts out.

i'm done. you can all go home now.

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

dearest television casting agents,

i know talent is hard to come by (in L.A.), but beauty is all over the place. so please, if you cannot find talent to display during prime time hours, get lose desperate beautiful people that wonder thru the city, i have seen them i know they are there. and by the way, if you are looking, i know of a handful of talented actors ranging from heart ponding stomach tinglig gorgeous to visually confusing. take a chance on talent.

talk soup, please listen to us, your former viewers: hal sucks ass, andy is funny and cute (and has the body to get your show decent ratings). p.s. thank you cable gods for finding my illegal hook up and disconnecting it, with out involving me, i was getting addicted to stupid shit that flickers on the pretty blue light box. -courtney

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

Dear David Foster Wallace: I loved loved loved Infinite Jest with all my heart. I plowed through hundreds of pages joyfully, consumed every footnote with relish. I lugged that book all over hell's half acres, much to the complaint of my lower back. Why'd you have to fuck me so hard on the ending? Was that really necessary? In keeping with the title, I guess I should have expected it but I didn't. I was caught unawares and I resent you for it. Hisses (not Kisses,) Stephanie

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

Dear Managers at Flextech

Thanks very much for the promotion, the new job is great, and I'm going at it all guns blazing. However, are you bastards ever going to be available for me to renegotiate my salary, or was I supposed to take this new role just to give myself a bit more to do?

Yours in anticipation,

Jackie

Dear Fellow Commuters in London

Listen to me. It's not the last fucking tube ever. You don't have to push me into a little squished blob so you and your big hard- cornered fuckoff briefcase and your hideous body odour can get on the tube next to me. Read the sign. There's another tube in 1 minute. So fuck off this one and wait for it.

No love at all for you stupid fuckers,

Jackie.

Dear Body Clock

What the hell were you thinking, deciding to be wide awake from 4 am this morning? I'm tired, I didn't go to bed until 11 last night, and I want to crawl under my desk, but I'm not even allowed. Are you happy?

You suck,

Jackie.

Dear Pamela Anderson

What the hell was Barb Wire all about? The biggest load of shit I've ever had the misfortune to watch 10 minutes of at 4 am in the morning, and considering I had an ex-boyfriend fond of kung-fu films I think that's certainly saying something.

Retire whenever you like,

Jackie.

Dear People I Work With

Fucking well pick up the fucking ringing phones and answer them before I take you outside and give you a good kicking.

No love at the moment,

Jackie.

(That's officially the most swearing I've ever done online ... I've got some issues today, OK?)

-- Anonymous, March 24, 2000

Dear Ass,

What the hell are you trying to do to me? Summer is right around the corner and you are making it very difficult for me to consider the possibility of wearing a bathing suit. I know we have this conversation every year but really, could ya just give me a break here?

Yours in Desperation,

Sarah

Dear Rudy Giuliani and the Evil henchmen you call a Police Dapartment,

Stop it. You're scaring me. I liked my neighborhood better when it was overrun with crack whores and gangs. Now I think maybe you shot them all. Oh sorry, you just shoot the innocent people minding their own business. My bad. Don't hurt me.

Sarah

Dear NYPD Blue, Law & Order and Third Watch,

Could you please, for the love of God, keep your self-important p.a.'s out of my shit? If one more college dropout who thinks he's a filmmaker because somebody gave him a walkie-talkie gets in my face I'm gonna snap. You don't want to see that. Trust me.

Regards,

Sarah

-- Anonymous, March 24, 2000

Dear Strep Throat,

Go. The. Fuck. Away.

ummm....like NOW.

Some spring break this has been...now it's Friday....I'm supposed to start back to work on Monday....but nooooo, I can't be around all those rugrats with strep throat.

thanks.

Dear Oleander,

Thank you sooo much for deciding to play at EDGEfest this year. I thought we were going to be stuck with those idiots that sing that 'bloody back pack' song. I would like to tell him where to stick that backpack....but I'm too nice for that. Or something. ewwww....I also heard that Local H is going to be there, too....wtf is up with that?

Anyway...thanks!

-- Anonymous, March 24, 2000

Dear Mouth, Would you please get under control? You really don't have to eat everything just because it's there. And you REALLY don't have to speak everything that Brain sends you. Sometimes it's just supposed to be a little private joke between Mouth and Brain. PRIVATE. So shut up. Stay closed. I mean it. Love, Chubby Nasty Girl

-- Anonymous, March 24, 2000

Dear Christina Aguillera

Sweetheart. You have a lovely navel. You really do. Rudolph Valentino would've paid cash money to lap champagne out of your little belly jewel there. But could you put it away for a minute? Just a minute, while we talk. Thirty million horny teenage rosy-palmers can handle it for a couple seconds. Promise.

There.

Now, I hear you're trying to learn Spanish, sweetheart. You've heard about this Ricky Martin guy, that whole "Buena Vista Social Club" thing, hell, even Gloria Estefan's kickin' out the old country jams. Making millions with La Vida Loca, conjugating those old "ar" verbs like naturals. The thing is, dumpling...you're not a natural. No, you're not. Sure, you're cute as a button. We've talked about that navel of yours. But a sixteen year old girl trying to make like Linda Ronstadt? It's not happening. Ever hear of jumpin' someone elses' train? That's you all over, babe. Puerto Rican, Shmeurto Rican. The closest you've ever come to the ghetto, honey, is Vita Arroz in a little paper packet.

So stick with the genie and the bottle, and thrusting your little underdeveloped hips. Let the boys dream about the wiggle in your walk, and leave the Spanish for the guys who can speak it.

Thanks ever so,

Jenny

-- Anonymous, March 26, 2000

Dear Shoe Manufactures, It's not my fault I have wide feet...it's my dad's. So when you make a size 10 in womens, mean it, ok?

Dear Daddy, Thanks for giving me such freakin wide feet. And huge thighs. And big fingers. It's all your fault.

Dear UNR, Why, oh why must you torment me so? Please make yourself more enjoyable or else I might have to transfer somewhere nicer...like UCI or something.

Dear men, Why do you drool over bitchy girls who are so skinny that it looks like their skin has been turned inside out?

Dear metabolism and hormones, Get your fucking ass in gear. I am tired of you not working right.

Dear Scottie, Your abrubt departure disturbed me. You suck.

Dear Ian, I used to love you to death. But until you get over yourself, I am not going to answer my phone.

Dear Work, I am NOT just a stupid college kid. Stop treating me like one.

Dear MTV, Not EVERYONE likes Rap 24/7. Get a clue.

Dear downtown Reno, Clean yourself up! You look horrible and dirty. If anyone asks where I live, I will no longer admit to living in your limits. You are *so* pseudo-Hollywood Blv.

Dear Piercing dood in Newport Beach, Even though you were really cool, I'm not too happy that you didn't tell me that my ear would throb like a motherfucker for an entire day after you pierced my cartilege.

Dear erin, Stop procrastinating and study. I know you really don't want to do it and your brain is tired, but you really need to get good grades. Oh yeah, convince yourself to get a new job. The one you have now sucks. And maybe you shouldn't drink so much coffee...you know it is bad for you.

-- Anonymous, March 26, 2000

dear liz,

hey, remember me? ashly. ashly SCHILLING. no? lets think of synomyms. oh! here we go: dumbass ashly, ashly-retard, littleshit, that one bitch. we cool now? good.

ok. i remember you. yeah. you were my best friend. yup. that's right. BEST FRIEND. i mean, dammit, you were so my best freind it wasn't even fucking nescessary to say so. did i ever turn to you and say, "lizzy, did you know you're my best friend?"

um...no. did you ever turn to me and say "ashly, did you know you're my best friend?"

no. didn't need to. would have been too fucking redundant, right?

ok. we're agreed. good.

in addition, do you admit to being the best freind bawling in my arms and vice versa at 3 fucking AM the day before you got on the little college-bound airplane?

question: do you recall WHO started crying first? was it me? could have been. things get to me. a lot. you never cry, do you? oh no. NEVER.

so. who started first? ok, well, um, IT WASN'T MY ASS, GODAMMIT. oh hell no.

yeah. that's right, liz, YOU CRIED FIRST. YOU did. you never fucking cry. you NEVER. FUCKING. CRY.

and so you left. you had to, right? of course. and i admit to not being able to STOP CRYING for like a fucking WEEK after that.

anyways.

and i visited you in new york, didn't i?

yeah....because you ASKED ME TO.

so i did.

because i love you.

hell, you were my best friend.

do you remember that?

remember how fucking WEIRD it was?

when we saw each other again?

like some sort of psuedo-reality.

i don't know.....

and then i was a complete bitch when i got scared cuz i felt like i had lost you or something.

god, do i regret that.

i'm sorry.

i'm so, so, SO fucking sorry.

it hurt us both (like the mutherfuck of all understatements. ha).

i should have, um, USED MY DAMN SINGLE BRAINCELL and foreseen that.

and just waited for you to come back instead.

but, i couldn't.

you were my best freind.

anyways.

and i really don't know what happened.

but.

i miss you.

i miss you, lizzy.

i love you.

still.

and maybe.

just maybe....

you still love me.

gag,

ashly

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

dear jessie- what's the deal? we were, like, best work buddies. you go off and move to a different department, and i'm totally excited for you. then, i spend a little bit of time in the nut house and am somehow, magically, removed from existance in your world. what's up with that shit? i mean, i really need a friend at this point, and i thought you would be there...

i have one friend left. she's busy all the time. we had fun, jess, we really did. remember watching "bold and the beautiful" everyday? the natural cosmetics company we were going to start? how i inspired you to go veggie?

i want my books back.

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000