How long is your guilt trip? Do you need to pack sandwiches?

What tactics do your parents/loved ones use to get you to do things you don't even know you're going to do?

-- Anonymous, November 17, 1999

Answers

This will be my next family trauma: Saturday night, Thanksgiving weekend. My mom will lament, "the whole family is never together like this." She'll want us to help put up the Christmas tree. My sister and I will all want to go out and see friends since we live out of state now. My sister will complain and escape because she has no conscience. My boyfriend and I will stay and watch my dad swear at the lights and my mom tear up when she sees the ugly play-doh ornaments I made in kindergarten. My black club boots will go to waste.

-- Anonymous, November 17, 1999

Ahh yes, Guilt, the gift that keeps on giving. I'm having Thanksgiving at MY house this year because my mother guilted me into it LAST year:

Mom - "You know Christine (in her high, squeaky voice - that's how they always begin) you really should have a holiday at your house now that your married almost 2 years."

Me - "OK, but, and I don't mean this in a bad way, we live in a 1 bedroom apartment with a 2 x 4 table, 4 chairs and small dining space. I don't even have any place to put the food except to leave it in the kitchen, which, as you know is strictly an EFFICIENCY kitchen (read: very small with every appliance on one side only with not enough room for even 2 people to stand in it at the same time - I kid you not) so we would all have to eat balancing the food on our laps, including Nanny and Poppy (who are 90 years old) while you live in a 3 bedroom house with a large dining area, table and enough chairs for the 10 people who would be coming over. Plus, I would love to wait until I really just had a little more room."

Mom - "So. Your brother can bring over a table and you can borrow chairs -- just re-arrange the living room, move all the furniture out of the way and take the day off from work the day before so you can do all the cooking. See? That works out."

Since I never win anyway, I'm taking the day before off so I can do all the cooking, I am borrowing a huge metal table and chairs from my mom and I am re-arranging the living room. God, I feel like I'm five.

-- Anonymous, November 17, 1999

I'm not going home for Thanksgiving! I'm not going home! Not, not, not.

Excuse me. I'm done now. I just wanted to share my joy.

My mom is already giving me 90,000 types of conflicting guilt for Christmas, though, so you can all gloat. This year she's specializing in the "Whatever you can do in your busy schedule/I know you don't have much money" vein, which is really sneaky. The problem is that as a single woman with no boyfriend, I have no excuse for skipping any major family holidays. I only manage to weasel out of T'Day because it's so close to Christmas. Thank you for your excellent timing, Pilgrims!

My goal since September has been to try to drive off the main highway of my family's guilt trips. It's better, but it's not easy.

-- Anonymous, November 17, 1999

Listen. You people have nothing on me, I am serious. My mother is the Mother of All Mothers -she is also Southern, and that combination makes her The Devil. She will have her claws of guilt in my 'til the day I die. (My one moment of triumph came one day when I was in college and Mother and I were having a conversation much like the one pamie described, except a lot angrier on my mom's part, and I said, in a fit of independence "MOTHER, I DID NOT PACK TO GO ON A GUILT TRIP TODAY," and slammed down the phone. Heh.)

Hell yeah, I'm bitter. I am the youngest in my family AND I'm the "good child" so the entire world revolves around me. Didn't you know that? One small move from me and Earth will be plunged into darkness. My grandmother's health depends on hearing from and seeing ME. I am the living embodiment of Feng Shui.

I dread the holidays like some people dread an oncoming hurricane. My dad's family is currently at war over an inheritance and now my mother has gotten herself involved(of course)to the point of insanity. Everyone in the state of Alabama seems to be in a throttling rage. "But we're all so excited to see yooooooooooooooooooooooooooouu, hooooooooonnnnney!!!"

Right. Please help me.

-- Anonymous, November 17, 1999

Yeah, I'm traveling along the Guilt Trip Highway right now too. I offhandedly offered to my aunt in July that we could do Thanksgiving at my house this year, probably because I was excited about the fact that I finally HAD a house instead of an apartment. In a million years I never thought she would take me up on it. She always ranted on and on about how hard it was for her to put it all together every year, but she is one of those people who thinks if it's going to be done right, it has to be done by her.

Unfortunately, circumstances call for them to be out of town until T-Day, so she couldn't do it, and next thing I know I am trying to figure out how I'm going to pull of a dinner for 13 people when I have never cooked for more than 4 people at a time. Seating will be a problem, especially for 13. 12 I can do pretty easily, but 13 throws a real wrench in the works. And then my husband's mother calls and asks if we will do Thanksgiving for his side of the family this year.

When she found out we had already committed to my side of the family, we shifted from low gear into high on the guilt trip. Could she come and eat with us too? No, because there is no room, and if she came then we would also have to invite my brother and sister in law, and their 2 kids, and her parents. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH ROOM. This is why I offered to do Christmas for their side of the family, but she says no, because she is going out of town. So I offer to throw an early Christmas, and she says no, but I can't figure out why.

Mother in law has conned sister in law into cooking for T-Day, but told us she is going to stop by our house to meet everyone (in 14 years my family has never met my husband's mother. Believe me, it's for the best). It was actually more like a threat, but I think she'll make good on it. She says things like, "Don't worry, I'll only stay a minute" and "You won't even know I'm there." "I won't even eat a morsel, I just want them to see that you have a mother, even if you're ashamed of me." I hate that martyr crap.

On the up side, I did manage to find 14 matching, heavy duty, nice looking real plates for 99 cents each, so now the table will match and if someone breaks a plate, it's no biggie! I would have been so nervous using my mother's antique bone china, but now I don't care if people go outside and throw their plates in the street after dinner. It's quite a relief, really.

-- Anonymous, November 17, 1999

Oh, geez, Pamie, you just played last year's holiday conversations for me *all over again*...flashbacks, I'm having flashbacks...

Except *I* usually get, "Well, why do you have to switch off holidays with M's family -- it's not like you're married or something." AIEEEE! KILL ME NOW!

This year, however, is the last year they can do that. Phhhhbbt!

(And I'm telling you...one of these years we'll like to both families and spend the day AT HOME. Doing NOTHING. And it will be WONDERFUL...)

-- Anonymous, November 17, 1999

Bah. Holiday guilt is nothing. Moving 2000 miles away and not making too much money helps. "Are you coming home for Thanksgiving?" "I don't know. You flying me up there?"

Right now I am innundaed with "Get married now" guilt. Yes I know my grandparents aren't well. Yes I know they haven't much time. yes I know they want to see us married before the baby comes. Duly noted. I'm going now.

-- Anonymous, November 18, 1999

"Whhhhhy? Whhhhhy? Why do you have to go to Bill's parents house for Thanksgiving this year?"

"Mom, we were at your house last year, remember?"

"You're always at their house."

"No we're not! Listen, let's not fight about this."

"Fighting? Who's fighting?"

"YouMom, please!"

"Oh, I see. Now you can't even talk to me. I get it. Do you talk to Bill's mother? I bet you do."

Somebody shoot me. Now. Please.

-- Anonymous, November 18, 1999

I guess I should rejoice in being 17 and not having any say in what I do over Thanksgiving. Right now the only problems I'm having with the holiday is what type of appetizers I should tell my mom to get and the fact I have to work the night *before* and the night *after*. Ah well. I'll live...

-- Anonymous, November 18, 1999

My mother doesn't call me nor do i call her. We don't talk at all. I'm assuming I'm pretty lucky in this aspect. Guilt trips do not run rampant in her side of the family. All the guilt trippers are on my father's side. Red Rover, red rover...

-- Anonymous, November 18, 1999

My mother isn't the problem it is my grandmother. The woman doesn't speak to me for four months and then suddenly the world is going to end if I don't come for her Thanksgiving Dinner. The fact that I didn't come for Easter is already one very large strike against me, and I need to call her tonight to inform her that I am in fact not coming to Thanksgiving at her house (2 1/2 hours from mine) even though I said I might come, and that 3 Thanksgiving dinners in one day is enough Thank you very much. Ackk.

-- Anonymous, November 18, 1999

I have no guilt.

My Parents ask once, and if I tell them no, it's dropped. They dont even TRY tricks anymore.

The secret: Crush them early, when you're young. Show them what a little ingrateful bastard you are and no amount of guilt will change that.

I kow it's terrible, but it has to be done.

-- Anonymous, November 18, 1999

My parents realized, I don't know how, that it is easier not to have five Thanksgiving dinners in one day.

As a result, my mom cooks cornish game hens on Friday, dinner's at or around 3pm, and my dad does ham and sometimes turkey on Saturday around 5pm. When my sis and I were both in high school, it was great because we could spend thursday with our boyfriends' families and Friday at mom's and Saturday at dad's.. and we had some variety in food so we didn't get too sick.

This year tho, I'm not sure. Last year I worked Thanksgiving Eve, Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Year's Day at 7am. So I am so glad that I am not working at Denny's this year. *grin* Who on earth goes to Denny's over the holidays? I don't know, but it's busy as fuck.

-- Anonymous, November 18, 1999

I am a parent. And I am still in the stage when holidays without children sound like a heavenly song of angels.

May be there are some other parents who would enjoy having my children around?

Oh, just one thing. My children do speak English, but they learned it from American action films. So they are able to describe dozen different ways of sexual intercourse and bodily harm in English, but not up to asking to pass mustard. Anyone interested to make their parents happy with little aliens from Old World ?

-- Anonymous, November 19, 1999

It's good to know I'm not alone! I moved to AZ 2 years ago and it was a very traumatic move and a lot of my belongings didn't make the trip--things I liked. My mother is a minor artist and has given me a truck load of paintings over the last few years of which I gave all but 2 to Good Will before I left as they wouldn't fit in the U-haul. She has only visited me once since I've been here but has noticed there is nothing hanging on my walls and mentioned it but I blew her off. My parents and the 2 "good children" are visiting for Thanksgiving and my mother called to arrange some things and asked if I had done any decorating (no) and what ever happened to all the paintings she had given me. I ignored the question like I hadn't heard it but I am going to have to confess that they are GONE forever. It promises to be a hellish 2 days for Thanksgiving.

-- Anonymous, November 19, 1999

well, im a little late in answering this, but i've been busy. being 19 with no boyfriend poses no problem, i sit at home and clean my freakin butt off. its great, i shower half an hour before everyone's supposed to show up, i work great with deadlines. i shop forchristmas the week before, i never ship things on time. perfect. but the downside about being me is im joining the army in a few months, so (sniff sob) this will be the last holiday i might be spending with the fam for a while. is anyone in my family sad about it? god no! they're all waiting until i leave so there's more room for them to sit after dinner. those bastards!

-- Anonymous, November 20, 1999

This goes on and on. I am 44. I have three children. I am going to have everyone over for Thanksgiving because my husband and i and kids are going to FLORIDA during Christmas vacation. My mother doesn't know that my husband's parents will be there too. I am dreading the moment when she finds out. She is also Southern and paranoid/schizophrenic. Maybe she will have mercy on me because I just found out my blood pressure is 100 on the bottom. Is this ridiculous??? Don't do like me and be a physical wreck by the time you are 44. STOP SPEAKING TO YOUR PARENTS WHEN YOU ARE 25!!!! After that time, parents contribute nothing.

-- Anonymous, November 22, 1999