I posted on an earlier thread about our problems with deadbeat relatives living in our home. The thread was started by someone who knew that some of the relatives he would end up with were going to cause problems. We had no idea what problems we were going to face when we allowed two relatives to move in with us.

"A" has been here over nine months. The reason "A" wanted to live with us was to be able to attend college. "A" received a large student-aid package later but did not move out. "A" went all out to be pleasant and helpful until approximately one week after moving in. We feel misled. "A" is mean to our children, disrespectful to us, unwilling to share chores, wasteful of all resources, and slovenly. When we are less than positive, "A" will straighten up for a few days before returning to the normal behavior.

"A" was a guilt-case. You know the kind. Real sob story. We felt like we had no choice -- but in hindsight, we did. It would have been far easier to say no to "A" last year than it is proving to be to remove "A" from our home now.

"B" was employed and asked to live here briefly during a company transfer to a new location. "B" showed up with no resources and no job. "B" refused to leave the house to seek employment until forced. "B" left the house less than 8 hours in two weeks but claimed to have turned in over 20 applications to companies that mysteriously remained unnamed. In short, "B" was lying about looking for a job. "B" bummed money, encouraged our children to disobey us, and was alarmingly rough with our children in play. "B" played with toys like a child and refused to do anything without being forced and supervised. "B" smoked in the house against strict prohibitions. "B" ripped a piece of the house off during a break-in while locked out and didn't offer to repair the damage.

We removed "B" after two weeks. "B" is currently living for one month in town in an apartment we paid for. We will not pay another dime for anything "B" might need. We are finished. "B" is clearly a psych case.

"C" phoned us last night and asked for a few days time in our home. "C" has some serious legal and social problems. "C" wants to turn over a new leaf and create a normal life. We turned "C" down but were disturbed by the lost and sad quality of the appeal. "C" promised to call back soon. We're brainstorming for a solution outside of letting "C" come here. Of the three, "C" is the worst off and possibly the best one of the bunch.

There's a pattern here. People who need you to take care of their needs will ingratiate themselves. They will exaggerate their needs in such a way as to make you feel guilty for not helping them. They will exaggerate their helpfulness.

We learned that an individual may overestimate his contributions and underestimate his withdrawals in our group experience.

Our advice to anyone contemplating taking in DGI relatives is pretty simple: DON'T. If you don't know them extremely well, DON'T. If you know them well enough to know you don't get along in good times, DON'T. If you aren't sure, DON'T.

They'll make you feel bad about turning them down. No matter how bad you feel, you will feel much worse trying to get along with them under tense and restrictive circumstances. You'll feel pretty desperate for ways to remove them from your life without bloodshed. If you think that turning them out will result in their starvation and death, be advised that the situation will be so bad you won't care if they live or die -- as long as they do it somewhere else.

From the trenches..

-- helen (bounce@please.now), September 29, 1999

Answers

Thank you for the candid discussion.

We actually sent money and a list of supplies to buy to one couple that wanted to come here. Said if they were careful it would get them by. DON'T COME HERE! WE WILL NOT LET YOU IN!

If they missuse the money, tough.

I think they took the "hint".

If they had come it would have been a disaster. Paying them off seemed like the only idea, and my conscience is clear.

-- LM (latemarch@usa.net), September 29, 1999.

(1) We let a new friend live with us while she got on her feet. (She had dog-sat for us.) She was on welfare and claimed that she was trying to get a job.A year and a half later, she still didn't have a job. Suggestions that she actually look for work fell on deaf ears. Eventually, she left our (she felt hostile) home for what she perceived as greener pastures. That turned out to be a short term arrangment, as well. In retrospect, what she really wants is for someone to take care of her...rather than taking responsibility for herself.

(2) We let another friend and her two young sons stay with us until she could travel to the mainland. The visit was pleasant, she was helpful, and the children reasonably well-behaved.

(3) We are considering foster children...who will probably be non-motivated, drug using, and less than well behaved... However, we are planning on starting any such arrangement after the middle of January.

(4) The other relatives are all on the mainland. I knew that there was some advantage to living on a remote island.

-- Mad Monk (madmonk@hawaiian.net), September 29, 1999.

I could relate several tales where relatives have taken advantage of the "family" relationship and things turned out sour. This includes loans of various types, including money, tools, room-n-board, etc. Seems like in many of these instances, those doing the taking feel that since they are family, the givers kind of owe it to them, or they should be more understanding about "their situation". After all, they're "family"...

Late last year I made my pitch to everyone I knew that, in my opinion, things could get pretty dicey next year. I urged them to educate themselves, and do what they felt appropriate. There could be no doubt about what I would recommend that they do. Should any of them show up at my door, all they will leave with is my "I told you so". You can't take care of everyone, and each must live with their own decisions. Should things turn out to be just a bump in the road, do you think they will be knocking on my door to help me defray the expenses of my "unnecessary" preps? HA!

I agree with Helen... Think long and hard about your priorities when making this decision, and keep in mind that those asking already made theirs. I have a sign posted at work - a lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. Nuf said.

e.m.

-- Eyell Makedo (make_do@hotmail.com), October 01, 1999.