Have you ever had a lunch date that you totally blew? Do you know how to keep your cool around strangers? Do you freak out when people see you eat? How do you handle this kind of situation? When you're a klutz, what's the best way to appear with grace?

-- Anonymous, September 29, 1999

Answers

Response to awkward stranger dates

I am extremely shy when it comes to dates. I am not nearly so klutzy, but talking is very hard when I don't know the person. I also am constantly wiping my nose hoping and praying that there isn't anything hanging out of it. I look like a coke addict sniffing and wiping, sniffing and wiping. I then must excuse myself and go to the bathroom which probably proves to the other person that I am, in fact, a coke addict.

I did have a friend over once to have lunch and everything was going smoothly. The food was prepared correctly, ie, not burned, and the place was clean. Conversation was going well. Everything was perfect. This is when my cat decided to walk into the middle of the room and hock up the nastiest hairball I had ever seen. I was mortified. And the little brat just sat there next to it and licked his chops. I haven't talked to that friend in a long time.

-- Anonymous, September 29, 1999

Response to awkward stranger dates

Oh no, that cat story is going to cause me to go off topic. In college, my roomate's mom sent us a big giant cookie for Valentine's Day. It was ringed with pink icing.

Well, that day a girl I barely knew in my music sorority was coming to our apartment to pick up something from me, the new President. (!!) I was trying to make this great first impression, even though she was going to be there for maybe 3 minutes. The apartment was spotless. Gleaming. She knocked on the door and my roomate and I were like tag-team Martha Stewarts jumping around offering her coke or coffee or whatever.

My roomate offered her a piece of our wonderful Valentine's Cookie, which we had just received. She went into the kitchen to get it and I heard her say "Oh...no..." She came breezing out and said, "It looks like Henry [our cat] got into the icing just now."

At that moment, we saw Henry streak into my bedroom. I was standing there with my visitor so my roomate very casually said, "I'll go check on him."

Unfortunately, the stupid girl who was visiting was some kind of cat lover or something and when The Hen (http://www.geocities.com/Broadway/Alley/6175) strolled out moments later, she had to bend down and coo over him. He is a very handsome cat and I do not blame her, but as we bent down to pet him, I noticed a foul stench rising up from his general direction. Simultaneously, I heard an outcry from my roomate who had just gone into my room.

Me and the visitor rushed toward my door and then heard my roomate scream "DON'T COME IN HERE."

People, pink icing is not good for cats. They should be kept away from it at all times, is what I am saying. Henry, for all his panache, had eaten his fill and then gone to my room where the icing had made a rapid exit in the form of Montezuma's Revenge all over my room. It was on the walls, on the bed, on the floor, in every direction. Afer this performance, he nonchalontly cruised out to meet our visitor, covered in...well, cat shit.

I can safely say, without question, that this incident - forever known as "The Cat Hose," did not make a very good impression on my guest.

-- Anonymous, September 29, 1999

Response to awkward stranger dates

Ok, those cat stories were hilarious.

On topic: I had a good rapport with a male customer that I spoke with frequently and had helped out of a few binds, so when he offered to take me to lunch one day I figured it was just a friendly get-together and thank you for my help, strictly platonic. We decided to meet at a little place near my office, so I showed up 5 minutes early and he was 25 minutes late. I already had my food and was halfway done when he got there, because I thought he wasn't showing and I only had an hour for lunch. So that was pretty awkward.

Then, he asked me something, I forget what, but my answer involved my husband, which he evidently wasn't expecting because he said, "You're MARRIED?!?". I said yes, and he rolled his eyes and sighed like I was some big tease for getting him out there and then dropping this big bomb on him. He didn't say anything else at all. AT ALL. I felt like a big doof, and my chewing sounded really loud to me all of a sudden. When I was done, I said I had to leave and he kind of nodded but refused to look at me. From then on his secretary called me when he needed something.

Oh, and on the cat thing, my friend had my hubby and I over for dinner one night, and afterward we were playing a board game on the glass coffee table when their cat Jake jumped up to say hello. He also said, "Haaaaarfffff!" and blew chunks all over the table right in front of my husband. I started laughing, and my friend gracefully glided to the kitchen for paper towels, asked us to please excuse Jake's indescretion, wiped up the barf, removed the cat, and sat back down to finish the game without missing a beat. I was so impressed. I don't think I would have handled it with so much class if it were my cat.

Pamie, I'm so happy you're back!

-- Anonymous, September 29, 1999

Response to awkward stranger dates

Okay, I wasn't there. I didn't see it, but this story is too great not to share:

A friend of mine had a cat in heat. He also had a little sister who was into Corey Hart. This was back in the day when people were into Corey Hart. Anyway, they were in her room making fun of her Corey Hart poster. They were sitting on the floor playing a game and the Corey Hart poster was behind them and they were pointing at it and laughing. They were playing the game and one of them stopped and said, "Hey, where's the cat?" At that moment the cat came rushing across the room, stopped at the Corey Hart poster, got down on her hind legs and, as a cat in heat will do, scooted her ass across the poster leaving a giant blood trail across Corey Hart's face. Then the cat ran right out of the room.

He loved that cat.

-- Anonymous, September 29, 1999

sorry no cat story.

My cousin and her boyfriend set me up on a date with one of his friends. I was really nervous because I have a tendency to make noises when I eat. Not obnoxious pig noises, but I sometimes make little humming sounds. Kind of like a baby. I never know I am doing it until someone tells me. (i have problems, i know.....)

So here I am on my best behavior. Everything went really well. Until the waitress made a quick turn with a tray in her hands and knocked my date right smack in the forehead. He got really embarrassed and a little mad, and I didn't know if I should laugh or be sympathetic. I must admit I laughed a little. He walked around for the rest of the night with a red line across his forehead.

-- Anonymous, September 29, 1999

Balloon animals. He actually sat at the dinner table and made balloon animals for all the little kids sitting around us and for our waitress. I very calmly paid the check and walked out amid screams of "Can't you take a joke? Here, I'll make one for you, too!"

-- Anonymous, September 29, 1999

Oh, I have an awkward stranger/bad date/gross cat story, but I'll condense it: Worst blind date ever, kissed like a cow gagging on a frisbee (why was I kissing him if I disliked him so much? well, I was young and stupid and he ambushed me, that's why), wore too much aftershave so I spent the evening with my sinuses clogged. Went back to my place, I offered him coffee but really hoped he'd decline, he said nervously, "gee, you have a lot of cats," he began to have an asthma attack and mentioned something about allergies, Benny yacked up a hairball on the rug right in front of him, Bad Date Guy literally bolted for the front door, and I never saw him again. Yay, Benny.

I always feel like I'm doing what you describe, Pamie, looking all over the room, spilling everything, dropping my napkin, having difficulty with simple things like chewing, not knowing what to order (iced tea -- grown up nonalcoholic drink -- if you don't like it, learn to; it's your friend at a business lunch -- mineral water works, too, but some people think it's pretentious). But I've been told by neutral parties that I actually do pretty well. You probably do, too, Pamie.

-- Anonymous, September 29, 1999

I am one of the most outgoing people you'll ever meet. But you wouldn't know that from the first meeting. ((That didn't make any sense. I don't care.)) I have this terrible problem with rambling and then not finishing any of my sentences.

My boyfriend will introduce me to one of his friends from home. They ask where I'm going to school.

"Indiana University... well, it's not Indiana University, it's a branch of it.. but it's not a community college, but I still live at home, so...."

'So...' what? Where was I going with that? I didn't know. The person I'm talking to never does either.

Then I'll try to tell a funny story to someone I don't know and when I get to the funny part, they're still looking at me blankly. So I start adding to the story to try to make it funnier, and they still look puzzled. What do I do?

"... and then he just got in the car and ran it over... so..."

Gross cat stories? Hmm, well, I work at a vet clinic. Lots of gross cat stuff happens. There was this cat last year who had an abcessed tongue, and she drooled all over herself constantly. It got all matted into her fur, and since she couldn't close her mouth all the way, she had to sort of toss the food into her mouth using the tip of her tongue and her chin, resulting in cat food and water and drool flying everywhere.

Lucy puked in my closet the other day. That was pretty gross, too.

-- Anonymous, September 29, 1999

Most awkward lunch date EVER.

I had told a very good friend that I would meet her for lunch the day after a cast party I was having. We weren't really dating, but we were more than friends and it was already awkward enough since she could date other guys but would get upset if I so much as talked to another girl.

Anyway, the party was huge. As it was during my college years, I was rather drunk and impaired by numerous controlled substances. At some point, a group of girls decided it would be funny to give me the biggest hickey ever (ah, theatre departments). It's hazy, but I do remember freaking out (after a few minutes) and running down the street before I was picked up by a cop (luckily I knew him from a previous party and he gave me a ride home). When I returned I went to the bathroom and came out shouting "What the f*** is this?! This ain't cool!!" so... (see Maggie, you're not alone)

So the next morning I meet my friend downtown and I've got my shirt kind of pulled up with my head tilted to try and hide it. After a few minutes she asked if my neck was hurt. There was nothing I could do besides draw it out in true Three's Company style or tell the truth, so I just sat up straight and showed it off. Her first reaction was horror- it really did look like I had been mauled by an angry wolverine from the ear to the shoulder. Then she just got mad. I don't think she ever spoke to those girls again.

-- Anonymous, September 30, 1999

The first week on the new job happened to include the boss's birthday ,and a group of ten of us took her to her favorite restaurant - a very upscale French place. We were seated and examining the menu when I made the fateful decision to take a sip of water. Probably because I was a little nervous, the water went "down the wrong pipe" (as my mother might have said). In other words, the water rushed into the airway. When that happens to me, there's always a split second of doubt about whether or not there's going to be a fullscale gagging fit. On one occasion out of ten the "down the wrong pipe" situation is resolved quickly and quietly. This was not one of those times. The realization that I was about to make a public spectacle of myself in front of my new boss and colleagues caused my face to turn an apoplectic-like crimson. By the fourth gag, everyone at my table and most people in the restaurant had swiveled their heads and, in some cases, their chairs to look at me in alarm. An elderly gentleman having lunch with his wife at a nearby table hoisted himself out of his seat to get a better look. Everyone appeared to be mentally downloading the Heimlich Maneuver chart and wondering about their liability if they tried to do it and I still died. "Are you all right?" asked the new boss. To me, it sounded more like an accusation than a question. I couldn't speak, of course, so I tried to reassure everyone by nodding and waving and smiling a little between explosions of coughing. Someone once told me to look at the ceiling when you're gagging so I tried that, but it brought on a whole new, noisier bout. Finally, after several lifetimes, I quieted down and everyone went back to their lunch with only the occasional furtive glance to make sure I hadn't gone face first into my salad bowl. I thought of taking another sip of water to calm my nerves but thought better of it. Too risky.

-- Anonymous, October 01, 1999

I have far too many awkward stranger/lunch date stories, so I'll just tell you my gross cat story. I took Smoke to get her front claws trimmed at a little grooming place about six blocks from my house. We don't have a car, so I had to bundle her into her kitty carrier and take her on the bus, and walk a block. Normally all she does is cry a lot, but this time there were dogs in the grooming place, and the woman wouldn't let me hold her while she had her claws trimmed, so she got freaked out. As I was walking home, this little tiny old lady stopped me to coo at the cat. As she was oooohing over how cute Smoke is, I noticed this stench rising from the carrier. I looked in to discover that Smoke had had Montezuma's Revenge all over the inside of the VERY small carrier, which meant it was all over her...she then peed and vomited, too -- and the little old lady didn't notice! I finally had to yell at her to let me get my poor kitty home, where I had to compound her misery by giving her her first-ever bath.

-- Anonymous, October 01, 1999

Here's a cat story. When my husband and I first got together, he had an adorable little orange and white kitten named Spritel. Who liked to chew on rubber bands. One day when I was at Dale's apartment, we noticed Spritel doing butt scootchies across the carpet. "Why's he doing that?" "I dunno." "What's that trailing behi- oh GROSS!" Dale essentially had to step on one end of the rubber band and then lift the cat.

-- Anonymous, December 19, 1999

I had a boss that liked to recount a similar story. Instead of a rubber band, though, it was a plastic Wonder Bread™ bag.

And he also liked to imitate the screeching sound the cat had made.

He was from West Virginia.

-- Anonymous, December 19, 1999