Oh, gods, Pamie, I'm so sorry. I read that she'd stopped eating and thought But she's better now, right? I read that you took her to the vet and thought She must really have been sick for them to do that. But she's better now, right? I read that the shots perked her up again, and cheered, and I read that she got worse again, and the first tear dropped off my cheek. With every sentence after that, another tear. Taylor looking around your place like he'd misplaced something had me bawling like a baby. Sitting here at my desk at work and sobbing, and wondering if I could leave after only being here for an hour and go home and hug my aging cat.

There are no words that can ease the pain, but that doesn't mean I can just sit here without saying anything. Through you, I met Lillith, and I love her. I just wanted to say goodbye.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Answers

Lillith was a wonderful, special kitty. I never met her, but I know that she meant so very much to Pamie and Eric. She's crossed over into a place where she can run, play and eat all the chicken wings and pork chops she wants.

Goodbye, Lillith. Keep an eye on my kitty, Smokey, up there with you.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

I'm so sorry, Pamie. Nothing I can say that will help, but we're ALL thinking of you.--Al

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

My gosh, I can't believe all this. I'm so sorry, Pamie...I guess you're gonna hear that allot, but it's still true. So very sorry. Seiku and Bonsai wanted to ask Lillith if she would be willing to tell thier friend Mykka how much they miss him. Tell him for me, too, Lillith. Pamie, hug Taylor for me, and accept all our regrets.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

I, too, kept reading, hoping that that wasn't where that entry was going. But I knew. I could hear it in your voice, Pamie. My heart was breaking for you and Eric and Taylor...oh, especially Taylor, with his sniffing inquiry into what was going on. I, too, started crying at my desk...am still crying.

I'm so sorry. Our thoughts are with you.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Oh, Pamie, I'm so sorry. I burst into tears here at the office when I found out that Lillith died. I had been sending her good kitty get-well thoughts since I found out she was so sick.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

I'm so sorry Pamie. If there's any good in this, it's that you and Eric were both with her when she left. I'm sure it was difficult, but you'd probably feel worse if something had happened and you weren't there to know that you did everything you could for her. I know that, healthy as she is, my 18-year-old kitty will eventually leave me. And my biggest fear is that I won't be around -- I'll be at work or away on a business trip -- and she'll be alone. You gave Lillith a wonderful, loving family and a good life, and you did everything you could for her. She knew it, and you should take comfort in that. Hug Taylor for me.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Pamie, I'm so sorry about Lillith. Like so many others, I shed tears over a wonderful cat that I never met. I hope you and Eric are doing OK and your whole little family is in my thoughts.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Pamie-I am very sorry about Lillith. Please know that you, Eric and Taylor are in my thoughts.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

I'm praying for you.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

My condolences, Pamie and Eric. I was really hoping Lilith would get better, and it was a shock this morning to read about her. You have my sympathy. I'm so sorry, guys...

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

I never thought it possible. Instead of sitting here at my computer desk, cracking up at whatever Pamie had gone through that particular day, I was crying. I was so sure she was going to be fine when you guys took her to the vet - but... I don't know.

Pamie, to help you out a little bit, she probably didn't know what was going on when she went into the seizures. I've seen them happen before, and while it is scary, their brain will usually shut down when they happen. Humans don't remember their seizures, and the veterinarian I worked for told me the same thing holds true for animals.

At any rate, Pamie, I'm so sorry. I know how badly I would feel if that happened to my kitty, Lucy. Lucy was sitting on top of the monitor when I was reading this. She kept looking down at the screen and looking at me to see what was wrong. I think she feels bad, too.

You know that she was grateful for everything you and Eric did for her. She just got tired of being sick. I hope they're feeding her lots of pork chops up there. We wouldn't want her to puke in someone else's bra. :)

You and Eric and Taylor take care. And if another cat comes into your life, don't hesitate to take her in. She needs you just as much as you need her, and you'll be surprised how much of Lilith you might see in her.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

I was so sorry to hear about Lillith. I'd started reading your journal just a bit before she became ill. It's so hard to watch a dearly loved companion fail; I've gone through that with my own Al and Kyla and poor little Andy. While my first two kitties lived long (hopefully) happy lives, Andy the Burmese was only five when his kidneys failed. I just try not to think about what I've lost when they're gone, but rather everything I gained by being allowed to share in their lives for what always seems like too short a time. Good luck to you and Eric and Taylor. Lillith will live on in your memories. I hope some other little kitten who desperately needs a home will be lucky enough to join your household soon and help ease the ache in your hearts.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Pamie,

My condolences on your loss of Lillith. I know through your writing how much she meant to you, Eric, and Taylor. I am deeply sorry.

Todd

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Pamie and Eric - I am so sorry. You are both in my thoughts.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

I guess I was not the only person crying at work while reading about Lillith. Your words here made her real for all of us, made her part of our lives too.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

I'm sorry.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry. . .

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Nothing I can say will ease the pain you and Eric are feeling. You are both in my prayers.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Pamie, Eric and Taylor -

Hang in there friends. She's in peace now - no more pain and she's not suffering. I know that she's somewhere watching over you guys and she loves you and knows that you love her. *hugs*

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

oh so sorry for all three of you thinking of all of you

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Oh Pamie.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and Eric and Taylor. I tried not to cry at work, reading, but just couldn't help it. You did the best you could for her... she's at peace now.

It's small comfort though, I know.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Pamie and Eric: My heart goes out to you both. Lillith was a very special cat and she was as lucky to have you as her humans as you were to have her.

Know that there are a lot of people out here thinking of you.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Many, many condolences. Losing pets sucks.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Oh, Pamie, I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you and Eric and Taylor. Lillith's not alone in kitty heaven, she's got my cat up there to play with.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

i'm so so sorry, pamie. i'm crying all over my desk. please just know that my thoughts are with you ... and give taylor a great big hug for me.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Pamie, I am so, so sorry. Be sure to take as much time as you need. She was part of your family.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

So terribly, terribly sorry to hear about Lillith. It's so heartbreaking to lose a friend. You did the best you could for her and gave her so much love.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Oh, Pamie, I'm so sorry. You have my sympathy and prayers, as do Eric and Taylor.

Now if I could only stop crying at work..

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Dear Pam, Eric and Taylor

I am so sorry about Lilith. I don't think anybody was expecting that. I wish i could be there for you to offer you a place to go like you did for me once. Its a little weird. I was going to write you late last night and thank you for that, Pam. Everything conspired yesterday to make me think of that day that David died and you let me come over and gave me a beer and talk of anything else but. I guess i know why now. I love you guys. take care of yourselves and let your friends take care of you, too. Thats what we're here for. Webbed Heart, jessica

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

i'm so sorry, pamie. i'm sure she knew you loved her. we all knew how much you did. you three are in my thoughts and prayers.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Sorry, guys. Call me if you need to. Check your e-mail for the new number. And Pam, nice hat.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

I'm so sorry, pamie.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Pamie and Eric.. Im so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you. sabrina

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

I'm so terribly sorry for you and Eric and Taylor. I'm sitting at work right now with tears rolling down my cheeks, just like everyone else apparently.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Pamie, I am sorry to hear of your loss. I've lost several pets and I know the pain that you must be feeling. I like everyone else here, had gotten to know Lillith through your posts and we will all miss her. You, Eric and Taylor are in my prayers and thoughts.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Well...we're just all crying! You poor guys, what a traumatic scene you had. It sounds like Lillith went out with some drama - any cat would appreciate that, but I am sure you and Eric didn't appreciate it. She was obviously an awesome and wonderful cat to have been so loved.

Here's to Lillith, may she reign from on high as she did on earth.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Pamie and Eric - I'm so sorry for your loss of beautiful Lillith. It reminded me of the time I lost my cat and the hurt you feel for not being able to help. Be rest assured though that she lived a very contented life with heaps of love with you, Eric and Taylor and now she's no longer in pain.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Paime, Eric and Taylor - I'm so very sorry. I've heard of this before, and thought you might take comfort from it. MellieBee ********

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to rainbow bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food and water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.

The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing: they miss someone very special to them; who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. The bright eyes are intent; the eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to break away from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. YOU have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress he beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together. . . .

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Thank [diety] I wasn't at work. I sat her and started bawling - Jake jumped up from the couch: "What's wrong?!"

"I think she's trying to tell us that Lilith is dying."

He hurried over to my desk and we held each other as we read through the rest of your trauma. Eerily, our two cats also jumped down from our perches and wound around our legs. All four of us offer our most sincere condolances. Much much love and warm thoughts to you, Eric and Taylor.

Much much love,
Jolene, Jake, Jezz & Aliera

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Also, I know this was written about a dog, but when I lost my cat to leukemia four years ago, this hit home like nothing else could: I hope you can find *some* comfort in it:

I remember bring you home. You were so small and cuddly with your tiny pawas and soft fur. You bounced around the room with eyes flashing and ears flopping. Once in a while, you'd let out a little yep just to let me know this was your territory.

Making a mess of the house and chewing on everything in sight became a passion, and when I scolded you, you just put your head down and looked up at me with those innocent eyes as if to say: "I'm sorry, but I'll do it again as soon as you're not watching."

As you got older, you protected me by looking out the window and barking at everyone who walked by. When I had a tough day at work, you would be waiting for me with your tail wagging just to say, "Welcome Home, I missed you." You never had a bad day, and I could always count on you to be there for me.

When I sat down to read the paper and watch TV, you would hop on my lap looking for attention. You never asked for anything more than to have me pat your head so you could go to sleep with your head over my leg.

As you got older, you moved around more slowly. Then one day, old age finally took its toll and you couldn't stand on those wobbly legs anymore. I knelt down and patted you lying there, trying to make you young again. You just looked up at me as if to say you were old and tired and that after all these years of not asking for anything, you had to ask me to do one last favor.

With tears in my eyes, I drove you one last time to the vet. One last time you were lying next to me.

For some strange reason you were able to stand up in the animal hospital - perhaps it was your sense of pride.

As the vet led you away, you stopped for an instant, turned your head and looked at me as if to say:

"Thank you for taking care of me."

I thought: "No - thank you for taking care of me. ***************************************************************** We'll miss your stories, Lilith. Thank you, Pamie, for sharing your wonderful friend with all of us. Say Hi to Alex for me, would ya, Lilith? Tell him his mommy misses him.

Much love.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Pamie,

My condolences to you, but, on a somewhat more positive note: that was the best damned writing I've seen in a long time. I think I wore out the "down" button on the scrollbar during that rush back to the vet. If it were on paper, "page turner" wouldn't be a strong enough word to describe it.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

i am at a loss for words. yet i feel this compelling need to express my sadness. i am sorry she is gone. the world is a better place for having her as long as it did. her stories and antics made many readers smile and she (with some help from you, pamie) made all of us appreciate the beauty of a simple "making biscuits" massage.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Pamie, Eric, and Taylor,

My condolences to all three of you. It has been obvious by your dedication to her that Lilith was an incredibly loved member of your family, and there's no doubt she knew how much she was loved.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Oh pamie, Eric & Taylor, I am *so* terribly sorry about Lillith. I think we all wanted to believe she was getting better. Thank you for introducing us to such a sweet cat; documenting her funny stories; and having the courage to share her final moments with us. What a tremendous honour you have bestowed upon us. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

stace

-- Anonymous, August 17, 1999

Eric, Pam, and Taylor. . . I don't really know what to say. I wish I could say that I was sorry for what happened in an orignal way, but I can't say anything that hasn't already be said. I'm sorry I won't be able to see Lilith again. She really was a unique cat. The three of you have my deepest sympathies. Kevin

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

I am very sorry about Lillith. I know she lived a very happy life with you and was very loved.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

I'm sooo sorry, Pamie and Eric. I lost two animals that I loved very much too. My kitten, tabitha, was a really small when I got her and I soon found out that she was sick. During the night she'd crawl out from under the bed and curl on in a little fur ball on my shoulder.

I tried taking care of her as best I could but she just got sicker. I took her to the vet and had to leave her there. I got a call later and was told that she was in too much pain and it was best to put her to sleep.

I couldn't stop crying for days. My shoulder felt so empty after that.

I also had a guinea pig die on me. I loved him just like I do my cats. When a guinea pig gets sick, there really is nothing that can be done - they are too small to be treated.

One night, on my birthday, I came home to find little Spikey in his tank, his eyes all glassed over and not moving. He was breathing very rapidly. I called the emergency vet and could barely talk I was crying so much. I raced to the vet with little Spikey in a box now making these horrible sounds that I'll never fully forget.

I had to leave him there so he could be watched over night. The vet's assistant put this cute little blanket over him. I sat there and watched him not moving, under this little blanket. I managed to stop the tears long enough to thank the assistant for caring enough to think he might be cold. I went home and when the phone rang, I knew it was over. My little Spikey was gone.

The only thing that ever made me feel even a little better about Tabitha and Spikey was knowing that they weren't in pain anymore. It didn't make the tears fall less, but I was glad that there was no more suffering for them.

Lillith is in kitty heaven right now watching over you and Taylor. She is no longer in pain.

After I read your entry, I hugged all 3 of my cats until they tried to scratch my eyes out. But they, along with me, want you to know that Lillith will be sorely missed - by all of us. :(

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

Dear Pamie, As a matter of fact this is my third attempt to post the message. Hope I can take a look at the monitor without starting to cry this time. I don't know what to say... I'm deeply sorry. Niels Hannover/Germany

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

Pamie, Eric and Taylor -

As someone who has experienced the sudden loss of a beloved cat due to health, I know very much how dark the world must seem right now to the three of you. My thoughts join those of everyone else who has contributed here, as well as those who mourn with you silently in the background.

I also know that it is difficult at this time to see how any good could ever come from this. I can only share our story and hope that it helps a little. http://www.northco.net/~cd/012899.htm

That's the history. While Katie's passing did leave a horrible void in our lives, it allowed Abby to enter a new spot in our hearts and to help the healing. This life path lead directly to our being acquired by Megan and Finnegan.

I believe that a part of Katie's purpose in life was to pass on at that particular time, to allow our lives to be enriched by the spirits and gumption of our 3 'new' cats.

I'm not saying rush out tomorrow and adopt the entire local SPCA; you need to take the time to mourn. Do consider, in a few weeks, how a new little bundle of fluff, piss and vineger can help you all heal.

You can never get over; but you can get better.

(I wish I could write more expressively how I feel and what I mean about this.)

Take care, all three of you.

Godspeed Lilith. Watch out for Katie on your way; she's a bitch at times. :-)

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

It's all been said before me. Really sorry and big hugs to all three of you.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

My eyes are misting over as I write this. It all reminds me of how my family lost one of our dogs last summer to liver failure, just as suddenly. Be glad to know that you were with her and loved her as she passed, and remember all the joy she brought to your lives. Pamie, Eric, Taylor, and Lilith, all of you are in our thoughts and hearts.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

Yes

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

Pamie and Eric --

I was sorry to hear about Lillith. Hang in there. Cry on each other's shoulder when you need to.

- Katy

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

Pamie, your squishy entries have consistently been a ray of light on dreary office mornings. Now that you're hurting, I wish I could give something back -- a hug, a shoulder, whatever might ease the pain just a little bit. But, since I only know you through your journal, all I can offer is words: I'm so so very sorry.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

How folks treat their animals is very telling as to what kind of people they are. I'm very sorry to hear Lillith is gone, but the love and selflessness you two expressed toward her is a monument to her memory. It's rare you hear that someone would be willing to cut out from a lunch break to pop pills to a cat; most folks would just as soon give it up to a shelter or have it put to sleep first.

Lillith is warmly remembered, which is more than anyone could ever ask for. I'm sure she'll remember you when it's your time to move on. Yup, you'll be walking toward whatever it is you call heaven, and she'll come darting out of a cloud or something and slap her body around your ankles and trip you while she purrs, "Hi Mom! Miss me?"

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

Pam and Eric -

I'm so very sorry. I don't have any words that might make you feel better, but you're in my thoughts and prayers.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

Pamie, Eric and Taylor,

Like everyone else, I can't stop my tears. Glad I'm not at work.

My sentiments have been expressed by all those who have written above and by all those who will follow, I'm sure. All your readers are lucky to have been touched by Lillith, just as she was lucky that you came into her life.

You are surrounded by friends who care deeply and who share in your grief. Small consolation, but every little bit helps. We're grateful to you, Pamie, for sharing her with us. Even the painful parts.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

Pamie (and Eric!)

Your entry yesterday made me cry! I know Lillith will be missed.

Hugs,
Katie

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

so here i am at work, reading the online journal of a woman i don't "know" per se, and reading about a cat that's never sat on my lap, and i'm just crying and crying and crying. everyone is asking me what's wrong, and all i can say is "pamie's cat died." and since i always share entries with my co-workers, they all knew what i was talking about.

pamie, everyone here sends their condolences and support and we're all thinking of you. everyone here has lost a pet at some point, to illness or accident, and we know what's going on at your house and how hard it is. take care and hope both you & eric feel better soon.

big bear hugs are being vibed your way . . .

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

Pamie: I don't start my day @ the office til I read your column. You are a mainstay in my life and I really don't know you (crazy). But I know the pain of loss, whether it be an animal friend or human friend, and I'm deeply, deeply sorry for Lillith's passing.

You must remember the good times and the family you created with the 4 of you and know that the thousands of readers join me in hoping that with each passing day, life will be just a little easier for you, Eric and Taylor. Know that you have a wealth of readers across the countryare all pulling for you and who genuinely care about you ... sort of like Elton John's "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?"

You all will be in my prayers....Marilynne

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

oh pamie... im so very terribly sorry about lillith. im just glad i was in my room and able to read that entry by myself because i just lost it... but you dont have to worry about her up in kitty heaven because my cat boots is up there and he will take care of her! (he was the best cat ever) i wish you the best in getting through this -- elizabeth

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

I am one of the ones who cried at work, too, and again today. I am so sorry about Lilith. Thanks for writing Squishy and sharing the good times and the bad times, too. You are a wonderful writer.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

I'm thinking of you, Eric, and Taylor today. And I'm so glad that you are letting yourself mourn and not listening to anyone who says "it's just a cat."

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

Pamie, I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is to lose a cat who's not just a cat, but a friend too. Don't worry, though -- I know many people have already promised that their cats will watch out for her, but I'll do the same...my cat Cinders is there too, and they'll be friends, and Lillith will always be watching over you.

Take care, Beth

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

Pamie, Eric, and Taylor,

As I sit here with my cat Bear on my lap, I just want to add my "voice" to all the rest in offering you my condolences for your loss. I, too, cried at work yesterday as I read of Lillith's passing. My thoughts and prayers have been with you all day.

Pamie, thank you for sharing your daily life with all of us -- the good and the bad. Anyone can tell jokes every day and entertain the masses, given time to polish an act. But you don't act; you truly give us glimpses of who you are. We love you for being you. And it takes an uncommon grace to touch so many hearts. Thank you for letting us in.

Remember, Lillith will always watch over you. When you see a shadow in a corner and think it's her... maybe it is. =^)

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, Pamie. My dog, Pepper, died two years ago after having been sick for an extremely long time. While it is hard to let them go, the sense of relief knowing they don't hurt anymore is immense, too (I'm sure you know that already). Lillith is OK now. She's probably romping her little heart out up there. ;)

Find strength in your family, both the immediate and the extended. I just spent about 25 minutes reading the outpouring of support and prayers that everyone has passed along to the three of you, and I'm completely overawed. You have brought so many people together to share in your joys and sorrows - I think it's fairly obvious that we're all here for you, whether you know us personally or not. Take care of yourselves. Big hug from me.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

Everyone else has said it before me, and nothing I can say will really help, but I just want to say how sorry I am. You, Eric, and Taylor are in my thoughts.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

Oh.. Pamie. I just don't know what to say.. your entry had me bawling. Anyone can pull through, but you can never forget. Good luck, and my condolences..

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

Pamie and Eric and Taylor, I'm so sorry about your lovely Lillith. We've talked cats before, and I still sing to mine like I always do. Maybe you could do your own Lillith solo at her wake, do her little song or something. I've been weepy since yesterday for you and your family, and I've been hugging and snuggling my cats. Thanks for sharing all that with us. It's not just a cat, and yeah, it hurts.

my condolences,

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

I just started reading on here about a month ago but I think it is so sad about Lilith. I know it's hard to deal with! Our hedgehog, Koosh, died about 6 months ago and it was so sad without him! I'm sorry! Atleast Lilith isn't sick anymore!

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

Pamie & Eric -

I'm really sorry... I choked up at work, too. And the worst part is - I knew she died all along because I read Xeney's journal first! I wish you healing and comfort.

Kate

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

Pamie, Eric, and Taylor: I'm so sorry for your loss.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

There is an excerpt of a book called "Out Of Harm's Way" that I intend to grab when I get home tonight and post.

In the meantime, I just had to say, I know how it feels; I've been there recently as well as many times before. I have found out about pets' deaths on the phone, when I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, and I have held a kitty as he died in my arms.

Words cannot possibly express my sympathy.

Thank you for the beautiful entry, Pamie. I know it was a terrible subject, but it was, in its own way, healing.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

Pamie, I am so sorry. it hurts so much to lose a pet. don't listen to the dorks who say "it was just a cat" - they don't know what it's like to love a little fuzzy creature. *hugs*

-- Anonymous, August 18, 1999

i'm so sorry...
i've never had a pet, i can't relate, but i cried. and i know you've cried more than any of us.
i'm so sorry.


-- Anonymous, August 19, 1999

Pam, Eric and Taylor...

I was very saddened to hear of your loss. I don't think I can really say more than my personal email to you, though.

I know Lillith was a family member, not just a cat, not just a pet, but a vital part of your lives. You have suffered a loss, but also a gain. Loss of her physical presence, but the gain of the knowledge that she isn't suffering anymore.

I had an immediate dread reading the entry for yesterday. I always check the browser title for what Pam's calling it. Seeing nothing but the date itself told me that it was not going to be a funny entry like usual.

When I first saw Lillith's name, I had the pessimistic feeling and unfortunately it was correct. I had to keep reading, though, because, like you, I had a faint hope that she was not dead. I felt absolutely crushed when you wrote that you were sorry for all the things she had to go through. A terrible loss.

I wish you the best.

-- Anonymous, August 19, 1999

I'm very sorry and I don't know what to say. Courtney's better at these things than I am and she had to put her cat, Wad, to sleep just a few months ago, so maybe you two can talk it out if it would make you feel better. On behalf of all of the Monks, we will all miss Lillith; and we send you, Eric and Taylor all the love we can.

-- Anonymous, August 19, 1999

From "Out Of Harm's Way" (nonfiction, an excellent book by Terri Crisp, I strongly recommend it...but expect to cry throughout):

Irene lived in a small Victorian home in downtown San Jose, with her thirty-some felines. None of them were indoor cats. In fact, they were all wild, but she loved them just the same. Each one had a name and a story.

I'd been to Irene's many times. When a cat was sick, she'd ask me to come by and trap it. Irene couldn't afford to pay vet bills on her meager income from Social Security, so the cats would be taken to the Humane Society and euthanized. As each cat was loaded into my car, Irene would spend time with each one, saying good-bye. She would lean down close to the cage and whisper, "No scared. No scared." It was hard to see her friends leave, but she knew it had to be done.

To help ease the losses, I had trapped several of Irene's favorite female cats and had them spayed and vaccinated. They were all doing fine living in Irene's backyard. Several of them had even started to let her pick them up.

The time I spent with Irene was always special. Frequently, Jennifer and I would stop by to see how she was doing. She was in her seventies and she had no family, so sometimes I worried about her. She always told me her cats were great company, but I know she looked forward to our visits. When we arrived, there would always be a fresh pot of English tea and tiny homemade cookies waiting for us.

When I hung up the phone, I suspected this visit was going to be different.

[... This is background for the chapter, in which the author comes home from six months away to get a call from Irene, who is on her deathbed. Irene makes the author take care of all of her cats before she lets her help her. All the author is really able to do is make Irene comfortable and make her promise to let the author take her to a doctor in the morning. In the morning, Irene is dead. No relatives, no friends but the author. Jennifer is the author's daughter. ...]

"I'm Joe. The landlord. Came by to collect the rent -- she was three months behind, and I found her dead in bed." The man's words did not surprise me. I'd suspected my good night to Irene just hours before might be the last one.

This woman, who so dearly loved her cats, had kept death waiting until she knew they were all taken care of. I was glad I'd gotten home from Alaska in time to help her.

"The coroner just left. I didn't know who else to call. It's sad when a person doesn't have any kin. But at least she had her cats." I smiled as he spoke of Irene's friends.

Jennifer and I drove in silence to Monterey. It was a spectacular day to be going to the ocean. The sky and water blended into an uninterrupted state of blue along the horizon. A group of brown pelicans skimmed the water in search of foo. The breeze that came through the window was warm. I knew Irene would have enjoyed the day.

When we got near the pier, we parked the car. It was a short walk to the boat docks. I carried my backpack and held Jennifer's hand. A man I'd spoken to on the phone three days earlier was waiting at his boat for us.

We passed the breakwater and headed a mile out to sea. The spray from the ocean mixed with the warmth of the September sun was like a child's lullaby. I closed my eyes and thought about Irene. When the boat stopped, I knew it was time.

I opened my backpack as Jennifer watched. I'd talked with her the night before about what we were going to do in Monterey, and I think she understood. This was the first person she'd known who had died. Before Jennifer fell asleep, she told me she would miss the little homemade cookies that Irene always made.

From the backpack, I pulled out the small brass urn. Jennifer followed as I moved to the railing. I held the urn with my left hand as I unscrewed the top. Before I removed the lid, I stood there for a moment and looked around. Irene was right -- this was a wonderful resting place.

I removed the lid and slowly tipped the urn toward the water. As the ashes mixed with the sea, I whispered, "No scared. No scared."

-- Anonymous, August 19, 1999

Everyone who reads Squishy knows how much Lillith means to you and Eric. We'll all miss her too. I'm so sorry.

-- Anonymous, August 19, 1999

I am so sorry to hear about your family losing Lilith. I cried and cried when I read the entry about it (luckily I wasn't at work). My thoughts are with you and Eric and Taylor...

-- Anonymous, August 19, 1999

pamie,

I've very sorry for the loss of your cat. I wanted to send you a story I wrote a long time ago, meant for a children's book...most of what happens here is true, though the names have been changed. My cat sylvester was gone for years, and all of a sudden showed up on the side of my house, with one of his eyes clawed out by another cat. it was very traumatic seeing it, but the fact he came home to die made me feel so happy.

********************* Once upon a time, there was a five year old girl named Jessica Green, who loved cats very much- especially her kitten named Sylvester. He was half siamese, with light gray fur, blue eyes and a raccoon tail. He was the perfect kitten. As he grew up, he spent lots of time exploring the neighborhood. Sometimes he would be gone for a few days, but as he got older, he would stay away for years. Nevertheless, Sylvester would always come back home to Jessica and let her know that he loved her.

When she was nine years old, Jessica decided to get another cat. This was because Sylvester hadn't been around for three years, and she was convinced that he had died. So one day she brought home a black and white kitten from the church fair. This girl kitten she named Alfie. Much to her surprise, Sylvester showed up in her back yard three days later. Boy was Jessica happy!

While remembering to give Alfie lots of love and attention, she gave Sylvester a great deal of hugs and several helpings of his favorite dish (raw eggs and milk) to keep him home. Unfortunately, Sylvester still had the urge to roam. A few days after coming home, Jessica woke up to find him gone. Her father had let him out by mistake, on his way to work. Jessica cried, but hoped that her cat would visit soon. And he did.

It was against Jessica's religion to celebrate birthdays, up until the time she was fourteen. But for some reason, when she was thirteen, Jessica thought that her mother, who was in poor health, needed a birthday card. She bought her mom a card despite the rules, and gave it to her on June 29th.

That afternoon in June, Jessica decided to go outside and find her kitten, Alfie. While she was outside, she heard another cat meowing on the side of the house. Always one to play with neighborhood cats, Jessica went to investigate. When she saw the cat, she couldn't believe her eyes. It was Sylvester!

Jessica hadn't seen him for almost four years and was curious to know what had brought him back. She walked around Sylvester to look at his face. What she saw brought tears to her eyes, and a big lump to her throat. She realized that he had been in a terrible cat fight, explaining the bad scratches on his face as well as his swollen eye. She sat there and cried, trying to comfort both herself, and her poor cat.

Her mother heard Jessica's screaming and ran outside to find her daughter hunched over her long lost cat. She told Jessica they had to find a box to put Sylvester in so that they could take him to the vet. That ride to the pet hospital was one of the longest rides of Jessica's life. It hurt to see Sylvester in pain, and hurt even more to know that there was nothing to be done for him.

After they got to the vet's office, the doctor determined that Sylvester would have to be put to sleep. While Jessica's mom was signing papers, she thought about the birthday card she had given to her mom earlier that day. Was all of this a punishment for going against their family's religious beliefs? She prayed and asked God to forgive her. She hoped that it was all just coincidence. Her prayers were soon answered.

It just so happened that very same day, someone had left a litter of kittens behind the vet's building. The secretary asked "Would you like to see them?"

Mrs. Green said yes, and they were taken to an examination room. The lady brought in four kittens, one of which stood out among the rest. Even Jessica's mom approved of this long-haired, hazel-eyed, male kitten. It was quickly decided that he would be the newest addition to the Green family. The kitten's new owners said goodbye to the secretary (while Jessica said a silent goodbye to Sylvester) and headed back home.

During the ride home, Jessica told her mother how she felt about Sylvester's death and how it might have happened because she gave her mom that card. Mrs. Green told her daughter that this misfortune was not her fault.

She said, "doesn't it seem funny that someone dropped off kittens the very same day? People hardly ever leave kittens at the vet. Besides, this cat is a male like Sylvester and kind of looks like him. I think this is God's way of saying that it was all just a sad coincidence."

When Jessica felt better, she decided on a name for her new kitten. She chose Mojo, as it was the first think that came into her mind. He turned out to be just like Sylvester, and he loved his new mom very much. **************************

Unfortunately, Mojo only lived for three years, but Alfie is still around 16 years later. I kick myself that I never got a picture of Sylvester (mostly because he ran off all the time). But Mojo and Alfie have a trunk load of pictures which I look at and treasure. It may be sad to look at things that remind you of your kitty, but just remember how much the two of you loved each other. She's watching over you!

stephanie

-- Anonymous, August 19, 1999

I'm so sorry for you loss.

Still choked up, I remain,

-- Anonymous, August 19, 1999

Pamie....Lillith will always be a part of us through your words. How many "humans" can actually say that? Your family is in my prayers.

-- Anonymous, August 19, 1999

Dear Pamie,

I've never had a pet(but I was one of those crying at work yesterday). My mother had a dog "Bob" as a child and, of course, Bob died. She didn't want any of her children to ever experience the kind of pain that you are going through now. But, as a result, we never knew the love, joy, and responsibility that having a pet brings. To this day, I am nervous around animals from lack of experience.

Pamie, take comfort in the fact that you had the great opportunity of living with Lillith as a member of your family.

Segue to the naming thread: My mother got hers, though, because she was forced to name her first born after my father's brother Robert who had died in WWII. She sure didn't want to name her baby after her deceased dog!

-- Anonymous, August 19, 1999

Pamie, like everyone else I sat quietly in my cube weeping as I read your entries this week (I believe my coworkers simply assumed I was being exceptionally sulllen, but that's ok). I often share your writing -- whether funny, angry, thoughtful, or sorrowful -- with my mother and sister and friends, and look forward to reading about what's going on in your life every day. I'm terribly sad for you and your family this week, but I'm also grateful, as always, that you have shared your story with me and all your other readers. You've made me appreciate my pet just a little more. Youve also given me the chance to think of the ones I've lost over the years, and to take a little time to grieve for them and remember how happy they made me. Lillith sounded like a wonderful cat, and I'm sure she couldn't have been more loved. She, you, Eric, and Taylor are much in my thoughts.

One of the most moving pieces I have ever read about the loss of a pet (aside from your writing and Xeney's) is a short story by Lorrie Moore, a wonderful fiction writer. This story originally appeared in the NYT on Christmas Day a few years ago, filling the entire op-ed page. You can read it at http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/09/20/specials/moore-bert.html (free registration may be required). If anyone has trouble accessing it, email me and I'll email you back a copy. It's sad and funny and --- to use a much- abused term -- genuinely cathartic. And a splendid rebuttal to anyone who would say, "Its just a cat."

Best wishes for all of you,

-- Anonymous, August 19, 1999

"Just a cat" - You, I and anyone else who has had his or her life taken over by one knows how full of crap that statement is. When you really think about it - they don't really contribute that much and seem to continuously seek out new ways to piss you off - but they also know when you need someone to hold, hug and be non-judgemental. Cats just know.

I have no doubt from reading your journal these past months that Lillith had a very happy and full (by cat standards) life, and like someone else said - it was such a blessing for her that you and Eric were there when she most needed you. Tonight when I get home, I'll hug my 18-year old orange tabby Danielle a little longer than normal, and no doubt think of your experience and feel the saddness start to bubble up again. Danielle will understand and just lay there and purr.

"Just a cat" - bullshit. She was your cat and you were her human. There is a special bond there that those other people can't even begin to comprehend. Their loss.

-- Anonymous, August 20, 1999

Pamie, Eric, and Taylor,

You are in my thoughts and prayers... I know this is a tough time... so when you're feeling down, picture Lillith running along chasing butterflies and having a grand time in kitty heaven.

-- Anonymous, August 23, 1999

I stumbled across your page only a few days ago and have been reading through your entries non stop since then. I lost my cat a couple of years ago during a move to another state...she got seperated from me at a rest area at night and we couldn't find her. We drove from our new home about 2 hours one way every day for weeks trying to find her in the dense woods with no luck. It felt like a part of me died when I lost her...the grief was overwhelming. I have Max and MiMi now, and I regret that they never got to meet Bobbi....but I know that no matter where she is out there, she will always be in my heart. Max has been getting on my nerves for days....but I after I read about Lillith...I have learned to overlook the little things....much to Max and MiMi's dismay, they have received constant hugging day and night. I have definitely learned to cherish every moment I have with my pets while they are here. I know that the pain will lesson for you in time, just know that until then, you will be in everyones thoughts.

-- Anonymous, August 28, 1999

I just recently started reading squishy (around the beginning of December) so these condolensces are a bit late, but I wanted you to know how sorry I am about Lilith. I wish I had something really profound to say, but I can only sit here weeping at my desk. I hope that as time has past that things have been easier (haven't read the rest of the year yet to know if it has). May she come to you in your dreams to let you know she is OK and that she still loves you.

-- Anonymous, December 16, 1999