I think this one is pretty self-explanatory.

Mine is my dad because he doesn't mind talking (LOUDLY) about my colon problems in the airport. Right behind a good looking man, mind you.

Not to mention he hadn't bought new clothes since 1976 until last year.

I still love him though.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 1999

Answers

Disclaimer: what I am about to say does not mean that I do not love these people.

My children are the most embarrasing members of my family. Just today, this very afternoon, in the middle of the most crowded ice cream store on this side of the river, my five year old turns to me and says, as loudly as any five year old can:

"So, Mum, why was it that you couldn't breast feed us when we were babies?????"

And of course, there is the infamous condom incident with the same five year old and my eight year old son.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg. . .as any parent would tell you.

http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Atrium/5991

-- Anonymous, July 06, 1999

Come on now, Dawne. What is the infamous condom incident? God, I hate when people post stuff to tease! :)

-- Anonymous, July 07, 1999

My most embarrassing relative would have to be my cousin, Firebug Paul.

Firebug Paul was a volunteer fire fighter a few years back until he got arrested for arson.

When he was six years old, he ran around this fancy restaurant where my family was having a get-together until he puked all over the table.
He had a girlfriend a couple years ago he affectionately referred to as "Bad Girl." There was a lot of ass-slapping and threats of punishment at Christmastime.

Firebug Paul is now dating a girl the family secretly calls "Nell." Ever seen that movie? Jodie Foster plays some heathen chick who lives out in the woods and has long stringy hair and speaks her own language? That's her. She ate a kleenex at my grandma's funeral.

When my great-grandma died, Firebug Paul threw himself down in the hospital parking lot and rolled around, screaming at the top of his lungs.

Keep in mind that Firebug Paul is around 30 years old, stands at 6'2", and weighs in at about 375 pounds.

Firebug Paul now spends his days hollering at people who drive by from his front porch. He also likes to ride around in the back of an old pickup truck with a bunch of other relatives I don't claim, either.

-- Anonymous, July 10, 1999

That story is too good to be true Maggie! Have you ever thought of creating a character out of Firebug Paul? You wouldn't even have to actually. I bet it'd be quite funny :)

-- Anonymous, July 10, 1999

Melissa,

Unfortunately, the story is true. Firebug Paul is a real person and, sadly, the people of his kind make up about 75% of the people in my town. Oh, well -- nice folks -- a little psychotic, maybe, but nice just the same. :)

-- Anonymous, July 11, 1999

Whoa, Maggie! Paul beats any stories I have. But my grandmother does think that the fall of communism in Eastern Europe is all a hoax to get Americans to let their guard down. Oh, and the communists control our weather. She also called the cops on her neighbors, saying they were plotting to kill her and had bodies buried in their basement. Funny thing was, they didn't even have a basement. Then there was the uncle that supposedly was on America's Most Wanted, but I never saw that particular episode so I can't be sure.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 1999

Oh, we haven't even touched on the other family members. There's Uncle Tim, with the mysterious lump that appeared one day about 5 years ago in the middle of his forehead. No one knows how it got there (including Uncle Tim). The lump, we believe, is somehow linked to Tim's frequent memory loss.

He and his wife have a steady diet of roadkill. I am not joking in the least. They live on a Boy Scout campsite near a major highway, and when a deer, rabbit, squirrel, bird, whatever gets creamed, the county highway department will call them and ask if they're hungry. The livestock removal truck then delivers it, hot and fresh, right to their door.

Uncle Sherman, a.k.a. Uncle Fester, died recently. He was 846. He lived out in the boondocks in a house he tried to set on fire numerous times. (I suppose if he wanted it done that badly, he could have always called Cousin Firebug Paul.) Anyway, Fester's bathroom was fully functional. However, Fester chose to use the bed, finding it more convienient. Fester was always the center of attention at any family get-together. He often passed out in his bowl of Jello.

Cousin Jeremy and I used to play "Mother, May I?" in the hallway during Thanksgiving dinner. He is now 22 and married and still enjoys this game thoroughly. He also likes to stand downtown at the government-subsidised apartments with his shirt open.

......

I saw that yesterday.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 1999