Is there a time in a relationship where you have to draw the line at "unconditional love"? When is it time to say "change, or I'm outta here!"? Give it up...get specific!

-- Anonymous, April 18, 1999

Answers

Berdie--

All relationships change. People change, and so the dynamic between them changes. What you have to decide is whether or not you like the changes that have happened. I'm a little confused by what you are saying is "unconditional love." It seems like maybe someone is taking advantage of you under the name of "unconditional love." Don't let someone use you because you care about them.

A relationship is a two-way street, you know? When someone is hurting you knowingly and is doing nothing to change the situation, then you are being used. It's time to get out. Bottom line.

The hardest thing to do is to leave a relationship that you thought was going to last forever. The strongest thing you can do is leave a relationship that is hurting you.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 1999

I'm not very generous on this issue. There is too little time in life and too much fun to be had to ever settle for someone or something. If you spend at least half of your time either fighting or making up, it's time to spend some time alone or with someone else. If you ever dread having to see that person, or honestly feel like you would rather be with someone else romantically (unless you have an understanding- see the polyamory forum), it's only right to break up. Not only are you cheating yourself, you're cheating them.

Of course, there is always the "But you don't understand! I love him/her, I just can't stand them." Hatred and lust can easily be confused with love. They are both very strong emotions.

But the fact that you are seeking advice (just assuming that this isn't a hypothetical situation) here is definitely a sign that it's the end of whatever relationship you're in. When you are constantly questioning why you stay in a relationship, you're probably looking for a reason to get out. But remember, no one likes that person who always complains about their significant other. It's okay for a little while, but then it gets old and everyone just wishes somebody would dump the other one.

Of course, it's also good to remember that none of us (especially me) know anything. That's why we get into relationships. If we really knew any better we'd just be able to be happy by ourselves.

-- Anonymous, April 19, 1999

Forgot one thing: never say "Change, or I'm outta here". If you entered into the relationship hoping to change them, you should have never started dating them. Sure, people change, but on their own. We resist change from outside forces. Stating that you want them to change will only strengthen the desire to stay the same.

Okay, I'm done now.

-- Anonymous, April 19, 1999

I asked myself that question a lot when my boyfriend was a hard-core junkie. I had gone through putting him in the hospital, ultimatums, threats, etc...and i was just exhausted from trying to keep myself clean and worrying about him. I never really gave up though, who knows how much tough love you can give before you throw your hands up in the air and give up on someone. It took a LOT of time and healing, but I'm really glad I stuck with him! We still deal with struggles every day, independently and together. It still causes a lot of problems. But I don't agree with someone who would say "you shouldn't have to work" in your relationships...some people have to work harder than others, but that doesn't mean it's not worth it.

-- Anonymous, April 19, 1999

I think the worst thing people are taught -- or learn -- is that relationships last forever. You meet someone, you settle down, you have kids, etc. And if it ends, you're a failure. I think many people suffer from this belief, and stay in unsatisfactory or abusive relationsips as a result.

I'm kind of going through this with my SO, in which I've told him that there's some behaviour that's just unacceptable to me. It's so hard for me to comprehend that I may have to leave if things don't change, because I love him dearly and I know he has a good heart. The thing is that everyone has a different tolerance level for what unconditional love is. Obviously you don't go into a relationship saying you're going to change the other person, but if you're at the "change or I'm outta here" point, maybe that's telling you something -- something you already know, but may not want to admit.

-- Anonymous, May 17, 1999