Is there a place you constantly smack your head?

Do you often read the same book over and over and not remember that you've already read it before until the last chapter?

Do you somehow always end up having to take your shoes off at work on a day where you wore the socks with the holes?

You don't have to keep it all bottled up anymore.

-- Anonymous, April 02, 1999

Answers

at least once a week i pull up to the gas pump, get out of my car to pump the gas, then realize that the tank is on the other side. d'oh!

-- Anonymous, April 02, 1999

I've lived in the same house for two years now and I still reach to the wrong wall when trying to turn on the kitchen light.

At least once a day I kick Allie's water bowl and spill water everywhere. Instead of moving it to a less obstructive spot, I pick it up, refill it and put it back exactly where it was.

At work my computer used to sit on the floor by my legs. Everytime I'd turn to the left I'd bump the power button and turn it off (this happened at least once a day for two months.) Finally I put the case on top of my desk. Now I turn it off everytime I'm aiming for the cd- rom.

Okay...we all have this moment: You realize all too late that you are out of toilet paper.

-- Anonymous, April 02, 1999

as for toilet paper:

At first I'll just sit there, wishing that I had the "shake" feature that comes with men...

and then i'll do that pants around the ankles waddle to the other room (usually the kitchen) where the new rolls of toilet paper are sitting, waiting to be carried into the bathroom. Somehow I think that if I waddle quickly, nothing will drop.

And then I start thinking about how I'm dropping pee on the hall carpet and then I get all grossed out and then I just hate myself.

Ew.

Stupid!

-- Anonymous, April 02, 1999

I was driving home from a friend's house when I noticed that two GIANT mosquitos had gotten trapped in my car. You know, those ones that look like they can carry off small children. I really don't like insects so I attempted to swat them with a rolled up magazine which probably wasn't such a good idea seeing as how they could've stuck their giant probiscuses into me and drained me like an embalmer. Anyway, I should have been watching the road because my car crashed straight into a parked car. I swear those mosquitos were laughing at me. The cops were called and I had to tell them how I managed to crash into a parked car. In retrospect I should have told them I was drunk or on drugs or was legally blind but instead I told them the truth; that two fierce looking mosquitos were in my car and I was trying to off them. The cop looked at me, sighed and said 'That probably won't hold up in court'. I just love sarcastic cops!

-- Anonymous, April 02, 1999

I'll put on a coat while wearing a purse on my shoulder, trapping the purse inside the coat. Then I get in the car, and try to get out of the purse without taking off the coat or my shoulder harness.

I sometimes fall off my shoes.

I have a permanent bruise on my shin from walking into the edge of our glass coffeetable, even though we've owned it for about six years and it has tons of crap on it, so it's not like I can't see that it's there.

I -- I'm so ashamed.

-- Anonymous, April 02, 1999

I have large speakers. It's almost a necessity when you live with three male roommates. You must have a stereo system capable of playing a metaphorical game of "deuling banjoes" or you'll never be able to survive the first house party.

When I was moving the speakers around, I decided not to mount them on the brackets on the wall (they were looking a little flimsy), and simply put them on the floor. As I stood there, craddling a heavy black box, half the size of me, I realized that what I really needed was that milk crate...yes..that one...just out of reach...to put under it. So, I stretched. I curled my body in such a way that I managed to reach the milk crate, but as I turned back, the speaker began to slide ever-so-slowly out of my grasp.

I did what every other mature woman with a heavy, expensive speaker that was about to fall would do. I stuck my foot out to break its fall.

(insert pained, animalist cry here)

It's amazing how the mind works. One instant it's saying "save the speaker, save the speaker"...the next, it's saying "forget about the speaker! what about that foot!!!"

I narrowly avoided a break, and spent the next two weeks hobbling about with a brused bone. After the tenth explanation,I began to omit the part about "intentionally" putting my foot out.

C

-- Anonymous, April 02, 1999

On an almost daily basis I call my Girlfriend "Beth". Her name is not Beth. I, in fact, don't know anyone named Beth.

-- Anonymous, April 02, 1999

I have two plastic bottles in my medicine cabinet. One contains baby oil and one contains alcohol. On a regular basis I pour alcohol on my finger, think "that sure is runny baby oil," and then proceed to rub in onto my eyelashes to remove mascara. Only then, when I smell the alcohol and feel my eyes burn do I realize I've done it again. And, yes, the bottles are different AND labeled.

-- Anonymous, April 02, 1999

whenever i am nearing an address that i am unfamiliar with, i will turn down my radio so that i don't miss the house. because i have to hear the address, you see.

daily on my way out of my office, i run into the five foot tall oscillating fan. the fan that is a good two feet to the left of the door.

in same said office, when wearing my oh-so-cute old navy tracksuit, when i go to get up from my chair, the string from my jacket is caught between the armrest and the seat and i get yanked back down in a very spastic fashion. did i learn after, oh, five or six times? no. every time i wear that damn (cute) jacket, it happens.

-- Anonymous, April 02, 1999

1. I constantly forget to unbuckle my seatbelt when I stop my car. whoever rides with me must think I'm totally spastic.

2. I do the no-toilet-paper-waddle way too often. the sad thing: I live in the dorms. it's not fair that guys can just shake off, and I either have to contort myself to dig toilet paper out from the next stall over or peek out the door quickly to make sure nobody's there, then make a run for the stall at the end of the row.

3. I turn down the radio when looking for an address. I like the idea of "hearing" the address - I wonder if that's what I'm doing.

4. I say "ouch" when I drop something. this something usually doesn't land on my foot. and usually it's a piece of paper.

-- Anonymous, April 03, 1999

I frequently chase entirely too many girls at one party.

-- Anonymous, April 03, 1999

pamie, apmie, pamie... you know I do stupid things too. Same birthday, remember? (happy birthday now, because I'll forget tomorrow) As for stupid things.. 1. I always call this friend of mine Sheldon when i know his name is Sterling. 2. i go all over the house looking for stuff, only to get upstairs and forget what I came for. 3. Yesterday i smushed my finger (long story - don't asked, but it involved a tractor and a piece of roof), my hubby didn't think it was broken, I did, so my neighbour drove me to the hospital. it wasn't broken. i sure wished it was so I could wave it around at people. :-) I do have a partial cast because the Dr. said he didn't want me bending my fingers (on my writing hand of course). THere's lovely purple bruises on them now, I checked. Anyway, my hubby insulted me today ( i'm a big wimp when injured) and he said to hit him with my other hand, not the one with the partial cast, so i did, and when my arm came down, i smaked my hand on this plastic box thingy, and made a big welt on the pointy finger of my *other* hand. 4. i ahve this one knife that cuts me every other time I've used it. it has tasted blood and wants more I think. 5. i say stupid things all the time - too many to list, but usually involve me stopping mid-stream to change the foot in my mouth. I' m sure there's more...

-- Anonymous, April 03, 1999

Well - I constantly go to my car with my bag, briefcase, invoice book and keys in my hand. I then attempt to get into the car without putting anything down. Obviously my handbag does that swing thing from my shoulder and slides down the arm and spills its contents on the passenger side of the car where I can't reach them. Every day.

I also try to open screen doors, never quite get the handle fully turned, and then just keep walking into the closed door smooshing my nose into the screen.

Ditto to all the toilet references so far.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 1999

1)My car was parked behind my friends truck in her narrow driveway. We were taking her dog for a run, so loaded dog up in back of truck (while standing in front of my car), then proceeded to back in to my car. Friend didn't even know what she had hit. 2) Same friend parked work car in airport lot to go on work trip. When she got back to the airport, she couldn't find her truck. She reported it missing and the sheriffs drove her around the parking lot for an hour, and she was describing the truck and even the parking space (had a little flower bed next to it). She drove by the work car several times before she realized that she hadn't driven her own car to the airport. The sheriffs laughed. We are both working moms, so that is our explanation for all the stupid things we do. Kids just think we're dumb. But sort of cool.

-- Anonymous, April 05, 1999

Rather than waddle and drip pee everywhere just wipe it with your hand and then wash your hand.

Problem solved.

-- Anonymous, April 05, 1999

Wipe it with my hand?

Okay, first of all if I were to try this (which I'm not saying I have) it would just run down my arm and soak my sleeve with pee. This is if I had tried it, which I am clearly saying here that I haven't.

Secondly, usually there's an old magazine around... or in a pinch, a towel.

-- Anonymous, April 05, 1999

A magazine?! What kind of magazine is that? The kind that is printed on paper towels?

If you were to try the hand (and clearly you have not), you might find there isn't as much pee as you might think. Or maybe not. I guess we'll never know though, eh?

Okay, here's another possible solution. You keep an extra roll of toilet paper in the vanity. Heck, keep a whole package of extra rolls.

-- Anonymous, April 05, 1999

I am so glad I'm not a girl (except the obvious advantage of being able to see boobs when ever I felt like it). But, I mean, we got the obvious "boys" to take care of down there, but besides that it's "no instructions necessary." Probably because we guys are:

a) too dumb to figure out any instructions, and; b) we never take the time to read instructions anyway.

So we're "user friendly."

Your hand? Newspapers or Magazines? Oh man....

I can't think of stupid stories offhand. Once it was late and I had just finished working prep for a rally in Philly. Me and my friend had to go up Broad Street all the way north to the suburbs. But we turned on Broad Street SOUTH, and despite the fact that we knew North Broad like the back of our hands, we refused to believe we were going the wrong way until we looked out the left hand window 20 minutes later and saw Veterans Stadium. Another thing about guys, we refuse to ask directions or believe we're headed the wrong way....

Oh yeah, and once I played "house frisbee" and backpeddled to catch it, but my head hit the corner of the wall and I had 18 stitches in my head. I also once got mad at my mom when I was a kid, and out of frustration, I punched our glass storm door. Punching glass, generally, is a bad idea.

Even if you're Billy Blanks.

-- Anonymous, April 05, 1999

How's this for dumb? Every time my girlfriend asks me "what do you think, honey?" I answer her. I will never learn.

If the elevator is taking a long time, I keep punching the button thinking the elevator will somehow come faster. I think I'm losing this habit slowly, but...

...if I don't find something in the fridge I check it again in 10 minutes.

-- Anonymous, April 07, 1999

I wear contact lenses. Overnight, they soak in disinfectant, in the morning, I have to put them in neutralizer for 5 minutes before putting them in. Simple, right?

I asked the eye doctor, when I first got these things, what would happen if I forgot to neutralize them. "don't worry, you'll only do that once..." was the response.

By now,I've lost count. (...a guesstimation would be about 20?)

The problem with putting a contact soaked in disinfected straight into your eye (above and beyond the intense agony that ensues) is that you eye goes into shock at the pain, and immediately closes. It's DAMN hard to get a contact out when your eye is clenched around the offending peice of manufactured plastic and won't let go.

ouch ouch ouch...

-- Anonymous, April 12, 1999

oh i laughed and laughed and laughed. ;)

i have this tendency to get flustered and jump on random subway cars and so forth without checking carefully because i'm (get this) nervous that i don't know exactly where i'm going and afraid of missing a train. before i actually moved to new york and got more of a clue, i got on the N train going south when i meant to go north to queens. and i didn't figure it out until i was down by coney island.

also, when my boyfriend says "let's stop talking about this", i can't seem to stop myself from continuing to debate the subject. i cannot believe i haven't learned not to do this yet.

it took me at least 3 months to learn to move my coffee and/or juice to another part of my desk so i wouldn't spill it all over the place when i went to answer the phone. i must have spilled orange juice on my desk at least 20 times. sometimes my phone keyboard still sticks when i press down #9.

i routinely set my breakfast or lunch out on the kitchen counter to take to work (or even sitting right next to my bag), and leave it there.

-- Anonymous, April 19, 1999

Has anybody else seen that Coca Cola short by Brian Regan about stupid times to say "you, too"? I take that a step further. Not only do I often say "you, too" to cab drivers who wish me a good flight, or movie theater employees who say "enjoy the film," but afterwards, I sit there and rationalize it to myself.

"Okay," I think, "when they walk in here and laugh and point at me and tell everyone what a gimp I am, I'll just say I thought they said something else, something worthy of a 'you, too.'"

-- Anonymous, June 16, 1999

pamie, how's this for stupid:

For some reason whenever I bump into objects or hit my head on something (I'm tall), I always tell that object "Sorry". What's worse is that my "Sorry" is almost always audible so people tend to look at me funny. Is there something wrong with just being a kind person? Loving to all creatures ... a complete tool?

The funniest was when I was in a half stupor from sleep and staying at my dad's new house. I was walking down the hallway in the dark looking for my bedroom door. I found it by smacking right into the right edge of the frame ... and right on contact with said door frame, I farted like I've never farted before or since (this was last June).

And of course, I told the door I was sorry. Then I jumped under the covers and laughed my fool head off.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 1999